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nefretiti
04-04-2012, 03:20 PM
so, all my life i like men. i love men, especially in sexual way. and only when my ed started i started noticing i hav strange feelings for some women. usually nothing happens, as we never are more than aqaintances but now this is ....i met this girl a couple of days ago. spontaneously we started talking. then we ended up spending the whole day togethr. the girl is very cute and interesting and there issth about her...as the day went on i found her sexier and sexier...then she was taking potos of me, touching my hair and she always comented on girls never guys. she said she used to date someone, **** years ago but she never mentions any man.

**** days ago i asked her if she wanted to go grab a coffee, but she wanted us to go for dinner. she chose a restaurant, came dressed up stunning, and it was **** of us. she was so excited about me trying her national cousine, then she insisted on sharing the food, eating from thesame plate, then she was asking me about my life plansand interests, and after some timse she became kinda flirty. my gosh!i was looking at her and i was so excited. and then she insisted on ustaking the same cab eventhough she lives other direction and she wastelling me she liked the night and we should get together again. also during conversation she was telling me fun things she wanna do and she was always saying "i will take you (somewhere)".

oh, after that night i just can't stop thinking about her. i have a boyfriend i like a lot and i don't know what is this.

any comments?

midnightdreary
04-04-2012, 10:03 PM
Are you bi or what? You are whatever you want to claim as an identity. Some people consider sexuality to be fluid and we may be attracted to different types of people at different times in our lives-- genders, ages, 'looks' etc.

It is very normal and probably more common than we think as a lot of people don't talk about having varied attractions!

I have (women) friends who ID as straight who are sexually attracted to women but would never want to date them; I have gay friends who have dated guys!

At the end of the day, as long as you follow your heart, there's nothing wrong with any type of attraction, even if it seems out of the ordinary.

As you have a boyfriend, of course, acting on any new feelings may be complicated as you are in a committed relationship.

Sylphlover
04-09-2012, 01:53 PM
nefretiti:

Are you in a committed relationship with your current boyfriend? Boy or Girlfriend alike... Please talk to him before taking any action with another .. whether it be girl or boy.. OK that aside... the exciting stuff :supergrin

I was with men for many years.. Actually was married to a man. I did know that I was always attracted to woman though was afraid because society's reactions to lesbians/bisexuals that I would not take action on my attraction to the same sex.

So long story short.. i couldn't hide who I was anymore as I realized how strong my attraction to women were.. And not just physical attraction, but intelligent, emotional, spiritual.. I was in a committed relationship with a man when I couldn't stop my attraction anymore. I actually came to SF for some support on how to handle my realization and sought out a therapist for support.

I also talked to the man I was in a relationship with as I wanted to be honest with him about my attraction to females. He thought I maybe bi-sexual and actually was supportive of me to find out. Not in a "oh my Gosh it's hot for my girlfriend to be with another woman" sort of way but really supportive in my search for who I really was..

Well, it turned out that I am lesbian. I was always lesbian, as I personally believe, this is NOT a choose but how one is born.

So what I am telling you is there are so many mixed feelings about "coming out" if that is what you are truly experiencing.. As I found out.. You are the only one who really knows!!

I felt that excitement, the confusion, the sadness, the happiness, the connectedness, the loneliness, etc.

I support you in really believing in yourself.. Being honest to yourself and those around you (the ones you trust and are supportive are the ones to talk to.. not the ones who can cause harm to your spirit or cause you distress) so nobody gets hurt!

You may be bi-sexual, you may be lesbian, you may be straight... Just be kind to yourself as you find out.. Allow yourself the support you would provide your best friend!! Embrace your sexuality no matter who you are..

Have you met up with this woman again? Does she know you are in a committed relationship? Post more on SF if you find it helpful as I am here to support you in your quest no matter your realization.

FoxInSox
04-21-2012, 01:33 AM
These stories all sound exceptionally familiar. I'm in my thirties, and just recently realized the startlingly delicious truth about myself.

Despite the conservative evangelical upbringing, despite the eight years of marriage, I am NOT straight. I am, in fact, enthusiastically lesbian.

I pushed this awareness away for years -- a dissociation from self strongly correlated with my ED/SI. Eventually, recovery got in the way, and I couldn't hold back awareness anymore.

That probably doesn't help your situation at all... I'm curious for an update :)

nefretiti
04-21-2012, 02:33 AM
hm, i am a bit scared to explore. so i just ignored her when she called me. so i guess i will never know.... :/ thanks for support though...i think this is just too much for me.

FoxInSox
04-21-2012, 02:24 PM
Readiness is critical, lovey, and cannot be rushed. If/when you need to explore it, you'll be able to at that time.

Sylphlover
04-23-2012, 02:17 PM
Please take care of you and great for you :yay for realizing this is too much. I respect you for realizing your limitations :supergrin

kappybooik
04-30-2012, 03:14 AM
Hey Nef,
A friend of mine is currently taking a class on the psychology of sexuality. She and I were chatting and we both agreed that this sort of thing is rarely black or white but somewhere on the spectrum. Having someone enthusiastically interested in you is a completely intoxicating thing. NO WONDER you're into it. But here's the thing:

****) As I'm sure you know, you owe honestly to the man you're in a relationship with before you take any action.
****) In my experience, spending some time in quiet reflection and/or meditation to search your heart may be helpful. If this person wasn't in the picture would you be asking yourself the same questions? Have these feelings come up before?
****) Do you have a therapist or counselor you can talk to? once you've come to a more sure understanding in your own mind, run it by someone if they're available. they can give you lots of practical suggestions that will guide your way.

Enjoy the sweetness of "the crush".
Be Well,
Kappybook

whoaminow?
05-03-2012, 12:24 PM
so, all my life i like men. i love men, especially in sexual way. and only when my ed started i started noticing i hav strange feelings for some women. usually nothing happens, as we never are more than aqaintances but now this is ....i met this girl a couple of days ago. spontaneously we started talking. then we ended up spending the whole day togethr. the girl is very cute and interesting and there issth about her...as the day went on i found her sexier and sexier...then she was taking potos of me, touching my hair and she always comented on girls never guys. she said she used to date someone, **** years ago but she never mentions any man.

**** days ago i asked her if she wanted to go grab a coffee, but she wanted us to go for dinner. she chose a restaurant, came dressed up stunning, and it was **** of us. she was so excited about me trying her national cousine, then she insisted on sharing the food, eating from thesame plate, then she was asking me about my life plansand interests, and after some timse she became kinda flirty. my gosh!i was looking at her and i was so excited. and then she insisted on ustaking the same cab eventhough she lives other direction and she wastelling me she liked the night and we should get together again. also during conversation she was telling me fun things she wanna do and she was always saying "i will take you (somewhere)".

oh, after that night i just can't stop thinking about her. i have a boyfriend i like a lot and i don't know what is this.

any comments?


i have had boyfriends. i thought i was as straight as you can be. now i live with and love a woman. i don't see myself as a lesbian or straight. i fell in love with a person. whatever equipment he or she has between the waist and knees doesn't really matter.

she jokes and says to me "mom always told me to marry a doctor. how much you bet she says a male doctor next time??" LMAO.

nefretiti
07-08-2012, 08:59 AM
:confused erm....thought it would be suitable to continue here, use its the same topic....

so, here i am, months after i started this thread....i did acknowledge that it was too much for me at the time. thought it was just one of my whims. as i know some grls do think they like a particular girl but it turns out was just a matter of curiosity.

so for me, maybe this is hug just cause it is not just a matter of curiosity how it would b to b with a woman. it is this specific grl that i am interested in still. ad it is strange agan.... broke up with bf, and i saw her later..she was insisting to come to my place so i can do make up for her. lets sa that i consider my place quite private so i dont just invite ppl. but she invited herself which i found quite strange.on top of that insisted. plus me doing her make up, firstly i thought of that as annoying- she could do he own make up. but then, i thought, she knew how much i love mae up and thatmy whish is to go to a make up artist school. maybe that was some kindf bonding thing. none of my friends ever asked that.i found it also quite cute to want me to do sth that i like. it too her **** h to get ready - for what when we went for a rink only? then it smed that while at my place she had so much fun, but when out she was kinda bored. didn't talk much. which i found strange. and kept on telling me (kind of joking) to keep my eyes from this or that guy...and then again she was noticing only girls. even to me, she said to dress up, and then she was complimenting my clothes,ake up, looks, while she didnt really ress up like a gily girl as she calles that. the whole night was quite strange, and again i felt quite attracted t her.i dont know, the way she talks, the way she makes gestures, everything about her i find so irresistable attractive. i didn't dare to say ything again.

later on she was texting me. me avoiding again. so for a couple of weeks it was quiet until **** days ago i was posting on facebook that i'm planning to start kic boxing, and there she is, wants to join, actually wants me to go with her to a place she knows. i mean i know frieds do that, go do things together, but this is not like my other friends. when she heard i am going to pilates, she wanto join. last week i was tellng her i am going on holiday to maldives alone, she saying she wants to go with me. i never had a friend that wants t join everything i do and does it in such agressive way, while on the other hand we don't really keep that frendship on egular basis, and iis always like she wants to know everything about me but never totalk much bout herself, just random stuff. sometimes i feel it all revolves around me, which is quite strange....


so again i started thinking about her. actually every time she appears i start thinking about her and i just cannot control my fantasy. i want to see her so much and i actually wanna be able to tuch her (like she touches me all the time) but i gt so scared. what if it gets too much for me again, and what if i suddenly redraw, that wold spoil everything....what if in the end i realise i am just not for that....i have never been ith a woman, what if i try and it just turns out i was wrong about everthing etc....

the problem is, there is another woman i started being attracted to. and it is one of my pilates teachers. it is que strange and i think am starting to imagine things, i cannot even go to that class, when she suddenly starts being all the time around me, 'helping" me while there are so any other people that practice foless time and would need elp, and it eems that every time she is touching me more and more, even how she talks to me when her voice suddenly turns soft and sweet.... gosh i think i am just going crazy!

i still see men and i li them, and i stillflirt with them and get attracted to them. and it is all just driving me crazy. i actually thought of askig "my friend" to go out one evening and then to stay over, and if she agrees to see what will happen....but i just freak out when i think might agee and i am scared of what might happen even though i dont ve reason to be.

quite long post, but please some comments on that

VCS
07-08-2012, 04:54 PM
it seems that you are quite confused because on the one hand you are interested in this girl and the female teacher and at the same time you are kind of resisting the attraction. the questions you have are natural - what if you dont like it, what if you cant go through with it etc. it really is natural
i dont know if you are gay or bi or straight but a bit curious especially about these two particular girls and i am not even sure it matters much for you to want to put a label on it or for anyone to try and put a lable on it. how about you go with your gut instict and with your emotions/feelings. if you are attracted by this girl (the first one) and you are developing a friendship, how about you spend a bit more time with her and see where things go without putting any pressure on yourself or analysing what it means in terms of relationship or sexual orientation. have some fun exploring this

nefretiti
07-09-2012, 04:17 AM
you might be right....why i need to label it...i don't but i am so confused and scared by this new feeling. .. and then i talk with my close friends about everything, this i could never share with them...they would look at me strange... my best friend sometimes jokes when some girls ask me out or fall in love methat god is sending me a girlfriend now, but it's always a joke and those women i never have feelings for.... now i would not know even to this friend, how to share and she might be the only one to understand, and is closest to me right now....

and how can i be friends with this girl when i just have this feeling around her, like i'm tipsy. i get dazed. like in another planet. cannot even function soberly :D

VCS
07-09-2012, 07:42 AM
think of it this way, lets say you do allow yourself to explore what is happening between you and the first woman you mentioned. you have time, you dont have to rush into anything, you can just take it one step at a time and just enjoy the time you spend with her, being doing her make up, going for a meal, just being in the same room as her, without stressing yourself with the big questions - what does it mean, am i gay or bi, where is this leading etc. those questions are probably what stresses or scares you the most. if you just go with the flow and the idea that spending more time with her is enjoyable and may or may not lead to something else but for now you will take the pleasantness of the time you spend with her - i think you will find that far less scary.
from what you describe though, i would say you have a very big crush on this woman. and from what you describe, she seems to like you too. just see what happens, explore, take your time, enjoy the moment, dont ask yourself too many questions, enjoy yourself

Sylphlover
07-09-2012, 12:09 PM
nefretiti:

I hear your confusion, your fear, your confusion, your excitement!!!! It is all there. All I can say is what worked for me.. I had all these feelings about woman for years, like I mentioned in the previous post, talking to a therapist about my feelings helped me sort them out. Also writing about them and talking to supportive friends helped me gain some clarity. Keep on writing about this you will know your truth.

You will also know inside if and when the time is right to go on "a date" to "explore" these feelings with a woman.. one thing is for sure.. It sounds like you have tried to ignore them, avoid them but they keep popping back up.

:challenge What is your biggest fear in exploring these feelings :challenge
:challenge What is your biggest fear in not exploring these feelings :challenge

:challenge Do you think you could sit down and talk to this first woman about your thoughts/feelings? Do you feel safe enough with her? Would you be able to tell her your truth? Would you be able to set limits/boundaries with her? :challenge

For example, if you are comfortable tell her you are attracted to her, you can't stop thinking about her.. (or whatever thoughts you wish to share with her) however also tell her you are NOT sure what it all means.. and you are scared... (put in all your feelings).. And then if she wants to make an advance.. sexually.. would you be able to tell her STOP or no if you are not ready?

You have to be true to yourself no matter what your sexuality is.. And if you need/want to take it slow.. do that!

nefretiti
07-10-2012, 02:43 AM
vcs, well...i'll try that...eventhough it is scary strange. :)

well, mi biggest fear is how i'm gonna b percieved. which is strange. i do hav a lot of gay friends and i don't see any problem in that, but now i actually realise that deep down i do find it strange and somehow not quite right :/ but if i don't explore my feelings, they r there no matter what, and they r just appearing all the time, it is quite annoying... hahahaha funny thing, now that i progressed amazingly in therapy and that my life has changed in the past year so much and i was so proud of myself, suddenly different feelings appear and i discover so many things about myself but i never thought i would discover something like this :D

hm, i might even tell her how i feel, cause i don't really know how to manage it. deep down i'm hoping though she will tell me she sees me only as a friend....so i could be at least relieved from this struggle.

VCS
07-10-2012, 04:47 AM
nefretiti, it is all up to you. what i am trying to say is that you decide what you do, how much you do, if and when you want to spend time with this girl, and whether it leads onto something more than friendship or not. the other thing i am trying to say is dont analyse, dont stress yourself, dont worry about what other people will think of something that for now is nothing more than you fancying her and her quite likely fancying you. nothing has happened (as far as your posts indicate) and at the moment it's just you asking yourself all those questions. they are normal questions and believe me i have been there before. but you know what, you dont have to go announcing to the world (ie your friends) that you have these thoughts and that you fancy this girl and from what i am reading, you being scared of "coming out" (my words, not yours) when you have not even started to explore the situation

it's not strange to explore your feelings and spending time with a person you are attracted to and enjoy spending time with. and i did say "person" as really, it doesn't matter what combination we are talking about - man/woman, man/man, woman/woman. if today, you meet a guy and he makes you feel the way that this girl has been making you feel, you would think nothing of it and go for it, wouldnt you? well, here, what i am saying is that it is ok, more than ok, actually really normal and accepted (largely, though i know that in some countries and religions, things are not as straighforward) to explore this

i'll tell you what, when i realised i had feelings for girls and i started being attracted to several girls, i freaked out. so i understand where you are coming from. mainly i freaked out because i had been spending a lot of time with my best mate (gay guy) who had opened my eyes to a world that i had not known before (gay bars, clubs etc). he introduced me to his gay male friends and gay female friends (many of whom i started to fancy and dream about) and i was known as V, who was A's straight female friend. so when i started to realise certain things for myself, i was worried my friend would feel bad for making me gay by introducing me to this world. when i think about it, and after having had that conversation with my friend on so many occaisons over the years, i realise how crazy and untrue it was. it was just an easy cop-out for me not to explore this further. but i did and you know what, that's the best thing i did

so anyway, sorry for telling you so much about me, i just thought i would let you know that i relate to your fears but dont let the fears stop you from exploring the situation. and as to whether you're gay, bi, bi curious, straight, all that is a label you dont need to worry about. whatever will be, will be

oh and by the way, if you speak to your friend and she tells you she's not attracted to you in that way and in your own words, you would be "relieved from this struggle", i would point out that you mentioned your pilates teacher. so it's maybe not just the one or two women you have some attraction for

dont over analyse, dont worry about what your friends will think (gay or straight), just have a little fun for yourself, enjoy life, spending time with a person that makes you want to spend time with them and see where things go

good luck

Sylphlover
07-10-2012, 05:47 PM
you wrote "deep down i'm hoping though she will tell me she sees me only as a friend....so i could be at least relieved from this struggle."

Please empower yourself and don't give her the power.. Even if she says.. she likes you more than a friend.. You still have the chose to NOT act on anything.. Or wait or act..

Make this an empowering decision!

I do think it is great for you to be willing to speak your truth to her though.. I think that shows confidence in believing in yourself..

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