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View Full Version : hurt, I feel like I am always wrong and sick of being blamed


Seabiscuit
03-31-2012, 09:29 PM
Hi-

About a half hour ago I got off the phone with my Mom. I love her very much. I feel hurt because she made some comments, that I feel were blaming to me, and as usual, I am the one who apologizes first. WHY? I am so freakin' sick of apologizing for expressing my feelings, I wasn't angry with her, I was assertive I feel. Yet SHE is the one who claims she is upset when I was hurt and upset.

This whole conversation was about a relative and how both the relative and I lived with my Mom at various times. I expressed hurt over being kicked out from her apartment about fifteen years ago- maybe it was longer ago, and I said I thought it was wrong of her husband to constantly blame me at that time. She obviously took his side, saying how my father (My parents are divorced and re-married to other people) wouldn't let me live with him, and how her husband's criticism was probably spot on- not caring whether or not that would hurt me to say that.

I love my Mom and her husband a lot, but I am still upset a bit about what happened fifteen years ago that I was kicked out of her apartment. Now when I go to visit her, at times, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I was planning to visit her this weekend for a few nights because of some appointments near where she lives. She made it unclear as to whether or not I can still come to visit her this weekend. I love her and would like to see her, just saw her last weekend in a different city and had a great time, but not all our times are great. At Christmas we argued and she said I ruined Christmas which she later apologized for.

I am not sure what I did wrong in this altercation/argument, I think I offended her by saying that I didn't agree with how her husband was to me at the time but if I can't be honest...

I don't know what to do, but I am tired of always being the first one to apologize, I do that because I am tired of fighting and I try to make some sort of peacemaker attempt. She never has been good at apologizing and is in her sixties so probably won't change. I love her but I am sick of this.

Thanks.

Amy

lmwiley
04-01-2012, 01:19 AM
I can completely relate to your post. I avoid talking to my mom like the plague because it never ends up well. Like you, I too feel like I have to watch what I say, filter what comes out of my mouth, and hold back how I really feel so I don't offend her or cause an argument. She's also like dealing with an adolescent-middle school-girl. I always get a cold shoulder, a silent treatment, or a "Well, you started it!" Everything is so childish..

It's actually nice for me to hear that someone else has the same problem because it's so hard to deal with. Just know that others feel your pain completely. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. Know that I understand, though, and I really hope your relationship with your mother improves.

Seabiscuit
04-01-2012, 02:26 AM
Thanks so much for replying Imwiley

I am sorry that you are going through similar difficulties with your Mom, that stinks. At least we know we're not alone though, right!?

Has anything helped you in your relationship with her- have you seen any improvements? Forgive me if I am being personal, just thought we could brainstorm towards a solution. I have tried sessions with her and my therapist and that has helped a little. There is a book called Making Peace with Your Mom which is somewhat helpful.

Well anyways, thanks again for your reply! I see you're a newer :fishy so WELCOME!

Take care, email me anytime :)

Amy

rafferty
04-01-2012, 07:24 PM
Seabiscuit..... just a thought about what perhaps went wrong in this conversation...

I expressed hurt over being kicked out from her apartment about fifteen years ago- maybe it was longer ago, and I said I thought it was wrong of her husband to constantly blame me at that time.

Fifteen years (or more ago) is a long time ago. Not that you can't feel hurt about it.... but perhaps this is the kind of thing that needs to be dealt with at the time. It's not possible to go back and fix past hurts. I know that back then you might not have had the skills to say what you wanted to say in the way you wanted to say it.... but the point of learning assertiveness skills is to use them for present and future situations.... you can't go back and fix past ones using new skills.

You still might be hurt by feeling blamed by your mum's husband all those years ago.... but your mum can't really fix that nor can she really apologise for him. It sounds as though she felt a bit confronted by your statement and she responded by going on the defensive. Not a great response for sure.... but then again... the kind of statement you made really has no real response - I wonder if she felt as though you were asking her to take sides? That's the way I would have received your statement.

I wonder if it's about you practicing what are assertiveness skills versus blaming statements. Definitely saying "Back then I felt hurt when I was asked to leave the apartment" is assertive. But moving on to say "It was wrong of your husband to blame me constantly" isn't assertive - it has shifted to blaming and it's shifting from commenting on your past feelings to making a judgement on someone else.

Another way to say it is to say "I remember feeling upset and confused about the arguments that we had back then - and I don't want us to get in that situation again. I received it as being blamed... and that felt pretty damn awful"

Does that make sense? Sometimes you have to let go of proving a point and being right and move to communicating your feelings about a situation. Hoping that others will agree with your version of things isn't the goal. It's about learning to clearly state the way YOU feel... and in turn being able to receive how others feel as well without feeling that difference in opinion invalidates you.

Take care,

:love

Seabiscuit
04-01-2012, 07:47 PM
Hi Rafferty,

Thanks for your insightful reply.

I guess I hadn't seen it as where she would have to choose sides and I wouldn't want to put her in that situation. I have a hard time letting go of things from the past. At the time that she kicked me out, I don't know that I was able to be assertive. I was much angrier then. So how do I deal with the remains of the past? I have a lot of unresolved issues from my past, involving others, not just these family members, and part of me wants to bury it but part of me feels I have to work through it.

Point taken about working on assertiveness skills, thanks.

Amy