View Full Version : needing something deeper?

03-13-2012, 02:03 PM
I dont know how to explain a lot of this, feel like I need to so a really massive synopsis of the last eighteen months of my life. But maybe I'll just stick to one feeling at a time...

I have been with someone for about six months, he is a very good friend from a sports club where we were basically partners most of the time... we got closer and there was attraction there so we ended up getting together.

He knows all about my history (self harm and anorexia) but he says he cant imagine me as that person, that im so positive and happy all the time and how amazing it is I've come through all that...

But now we have spent some time together, I realise that I have shown him a side of me, as a friend that he liked a lot, and fell in love with... and I realise now that he doesnt know the other side of me, that gets very low and still struggles a lot with things at various times in my life.

I've tried to talk about that kind of thing, about the past and how I struggled and what I did to myself and how it makes me feel still today and therapy... but he doesnt seem to know how to react, its usually sympthatic, but in a kind of 'oh you poor baby, thats all over now, gone and forgotten, in the past...' (like thats where he wants it to be...) and he hasnt made mention of my recent refusal of treats or 'naughty' foods and my weight loss, even though I've been open about struggling a bit and the loss....

I have this horrible thought as well, which i feel so bad and guilty about... he's so nice, I mean the sweetest, kindest, loving, gentle, (you name it) person going, and I know I struggle with that... but I'm better at it now... But I feel like something is missing.... I'm not saying I want to be in a co-dependant relationship (been there) but I feel like I need to be with someone who has been through something in their life... I dont know if that makes sense?

For my boyfriend the world is a very simple, happy postive place... and I think that that's wonderful, and wonderful for him. But it makes it very, very hard for him to understand or see some of the problems I have sometimes, or when I am low. He tries, wow, he really tries and wants to listen and be there... its lovely. But... he doesn't get it you know? Like it doesnt go any deeper...

I end up feeling very alone for some reason

any thoughts or feelings or feedback would be so helpful for me right now

thank you fishys

Solenn xxx

03-13-2012, 05:58 PM
Have you sat him down and told him that you are struggling right now and you need him to understand that? Maybe you could show him the friends and family board here or suggest some ways to help. He may get that you are struggling and just not have an idea of how to respond or what you need.

03-14-2012, 03:36 AM
Hi axi, thank you for replying... Its not that he doesn't understand... He's very understanding and wants to be supportive and listen. Its. More the fact that I feel like he just doesn't have an understanding of what its like to go through something difficult or painful... He's never had to struggle through anything in his life, and he's lucky for that. I certainly wouldn't wish him to have struggled... But no matter how hard he tries to understand I feel like he can't really, on the deeper level I feel I need...

There is further reasons why I am so confused and conflicted about how I feel.

I had a relationship last year with someone I feel for very deeply. It was a messed up situation and he had a girlfriend and it kept going off and on for months, it was very intense and he claimed he loved me and would leave... But he didn't. But I've never been able to let go and always been in contact...

Recently he came to me and said hed made a mistake, that he wants me more than anything, will do anything for me. Give me everyhting I want. That he wants to love me... And I feel like he does get me, know me, very deeply... But maybe that's an illusion... I don't know. I have battled with my head for weeks and I think its feeling this trapped and conflicted that is making me feel so ill and turning to the ED again :(

Feel like I'm not coping very well.

Sorry, this is a garbled reply, got to get back to work in few minutes

Solenn xxx