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Skyward
03-12-2012, 09:05 PM
My boyfriend is very sarcastic and it's starting to make me nervous. He's funny and entertaining, but sometimes he says things that are like thinly-veiled insults. He swears he's always "just joking", but the manner in which he jokes is starting to make me uneasy.

He's never called me names or anything like that, but he's said sarcastic comments that leave me thinking, "Wait, was that below the belt?" I've talked to him about this many times, but he says that he isn't coming from a place of anger or contempt. He says that people have always told him he "seems angry" or "looks angry" but he swears he's not. He also has a history of inadvertently insulting people with his sarcastic comments and off-color jokes, which he also says he doesn't do on purpose, but...

I personally see a lot of anger in him, anger that I don't even think he knows is there. Some of the things he says, and the nature of some of his jokes, leave me wondering WHY he is even thinking like that in the first place. He says he is insecure and it started as a defense mechanism when he was a child, but now it's become who he is. He has a very difficult time being authentic and direct, and I think it's "safer" for him to hide behind all this sarcasm. But then his real issues never get worked on, because he's always HIDING.

Any opinions on this from the :bowl?

bellydancer
03-12-2012, 09:15 PM
Hi Skyward,

I'm someone who grew up in a house where sarcasm was the norm. This actually made things kind of hard for me a few times when I was first out of my house because I didn't realize that other people didn't understand my sense of humor and they did not grow up in a house where this was the norm.

Personally, I think it just took me a few times of realizing I'd offended someone to understand what was going on.

It could be, though, that your boyfriend really does have an anger/security issue. You might find a way to gently point out when you think he might be using sarcasm as a defense mechanism and ask him what is really going on. Beyond that, I'm not sure there's much that you can do about it other than encourage him to work on it. Just as he can't solve your ED for you, you can't solve this for him.

Skyward
03-12-2012, 09:37 PM
:hugon bellydancer :hugoff,

You might find a way to gently point out when you think he might be using sarcasm as a defense mechanism and ask him what is really going on. Beyond that, I'm not sure there's much that you can do about it other than encourage him to work on it. Just as he can't solve your ED for you, you can't solve this for him.

I have pointed it out to him many times, but I don't think he's making the connection between what comes out of his mouth and what his underlying feelings actually are. I don't know if he knows but doesn't want to REVEAL himself and be vulnerable, or if he's cut off from that awareness completely.

I know I can't fix or solve this for him - it's becoming an issue for me personally because I can't help but wonder if this is a big :redflag of things to come. That's what worries me.

bellydancer
03-12-2012, 10:04 PM
What worries you about it? What do you think it could be a red flag for?

dermaline
03-12-2012, 10:27 PM
I think for some sarcasm can just be a habit and a way of expressing themselves and there is no underlying intent and normally one can feel that.
But I also think it can be very passive aggressive and leave one feeling that one is overreacting as it can be anger but in disguise.

What are the type of things he is sarcastic about?

Are there any other signs of things being "off" in this relationship? Is he kind and considerate? What concerns you?

rafferty
03-13-2012, 02:36 AM
I too grew up in family who are very sarcastic - with a very 'off' and black sense of humour. And for people who aren't used to it... it can be a bit confronting.

But there is no anger behind it... not for any of us... but for me - I think it masks some insecurity about letting people in to know me.

I too wonder what the red flags are about? What do you feel might be coming?

:love

Rothie
03-13-2012, 07:34 PM
I grew up with sarcasm, but it was meant to hurt disguised as humor. I tend to be sensitive to sarcasm and take even the stuff that is meant as joking as serious. my husband uses sarcasim and it bothers me. It has nearly destroyed our marriage. I also know I tend to keep somewhat detached too. Your bf sounds like my husband. He often looks mad when he states he isn't. For us, it partly me and my insecurities and reading too much into things and partly his issues with showing emotion (his parents don't show affection) and depression.

Skyward
03-13-2012, 10:19 PM
Thanks :fishys.

I guess what concerns me is that I'm afraid whatever underlying anger he might have will come pouring out onto me in the future. I have a tendency to blame myself by default and I'm scared of becoming his punching bag. He treats me very well and has never given me an indication that he'd do this, but because I don't trust myself to effectively protect myself yet, I get worried that whatever anger or darkness ANYONE holds is going to find its way to me. It's a general feeling of being unsafe which I am tackling in therapy and really trying to make progress with.

bellydancer
03-14-2012, 09:06 AM
Hi Skyward,

I don't think that sarcastic people are somehow more angry, or mistreat others more than any other sort of people. I think that you need to separate what is your stuff from what is his stuff. If he's given you no indication that he would treat you disrespectfully, then your fears are likely your stuff.

Skyward
03-14-2012, 01:30 PM
Actually there is a correlation between chronic sarcasm and buried anger/contempt. There's really no reason for a person to come from a snarky place if they're happy inside and at peace with themselves. It's also a means of erecting a barrier between yourself and other people, so they can't actually access the real, vulnerable, scared you.

All of this is true of my boyfriend. So my stuff is easily triggered by his stuff.

bellydancer
03-14-2012, 02:16 PM
Well, I haven't always found that to be true in my personal interactions with others, but carry on.

nc
03-14-2012, 03:07 PM
I have to admit that I am a natural born smartass. I bite my tongue a lot because I am not always sure that my remarks will be taken in the spirit they are given, which is pure humor with no ill will at all.

My adult sons are the same way as is my husband so get us together and we can be brutal.

I have always enjoyed people with that kind of wit as long as I knew it was just their style of humor. I love Kathy Griffin, Bethany Frankel, Jeff Lewis (I want to be his best friend, lol) even the character House because of the sharpness of their humor. It is not for everyone, my brother can't stand it because he says it is just too negative for his taste, but it leaves me and my family rolling.

I don't think there has to be anything behind it but that type of humor is certainly not for everyone.

I would say that rather than trying to analyze your boyfriend you simply need to ask yourself if his personality is a good match for yours and if it isn't then perhaps the answer is to not be together rather than try to change him.

Skyward
03-14-2012, 04:30 PM
That kind of wit can be funny, and my boyfriend IS funny most of the time. But I still believe that ultimately it's born from a place of unhappiness, and it makes me uncomfortable because to me it feels like a power-play.

I think if I weren't insecure deep down, then I wouldn't be triggered by that kind of attitude. I take it personally and think it's a personal attack and then I get angry because I feel like I've been violated in some backhanded way.

I think my tendency to feel not good enough and left out is exacerbated by my boyfriend's sarcasm because it feels like disrespect, like he's being evasive or inauthentic with me ON PURPOSE. Like he's out to get me.

When I was a kid I was told that I was "too sensitive" a lot and told that I took things "too seriously"...but then when I would lighten up people STILL picked on me and then people would say, "Why aren't you sticking up for yourself?" It was like I couldn't win. That feeds into this whole thing.

MCHC
03-14-2012, 04:39 PM
I grew up in a very sarcastic family. They still are. It was meant to be mean. They will deny it and say it is all in good fun, but someone always ends up hurt, usually me. I can be sarcastic too growing up in my family. I know it was hurtful to both my husband and children. I am trying to work on it and have stopped it to some degree. Funny enough I was talking about the same thing with my therapist. She said sarcasm is another form of anger. We were out of time but she was going to explain it more when I see her again which will be next Wednesday. Maybe if your boyfriend knew it bothered you he would try to change.

Skyward
03-14-2012, 04:44 PM
Right. It's like they want to watch you squirm. I often feel like my boyfriend desperately wants the upper hand, to eat before he gets eaten. He didn't grow up in an environment of trust or communication, so he's very adept at hiding his true emotions and true self. Sarcasm is the giant cover-up.

Skyward
03-14-2012, 04:59 PM
I never wanted to believe this, because I wasn't raised to care about power or status...but the older I get the more it seems like life is just one giant power-play. Like it really IS eat or be eaten. It seems like you either take for yourself, or someone will gladly take from you. Sad but true.

I've never been one to play games with people. But so many people play ego games and are out for themselves, so maybe I need to revise my own approach.

nc
03-14-2012, 05:03 PM
I don't agree that all sarcasm is born of anger, I think it is how it is said and how the other person interprets it. For instance in our family we are all laughing, even the person it is targeted at as we are all able to see it for the good natured ribbing it is meant to be.

But when someone is joking, regardless the manner, and the other person is hurt by it then it is no longer a joke.


So I ask again, if you feel there is something wrong with him, and he feels comfortable with how he is, can you see yourself in a long term relationship with him? Can you see staying with even if he never changes?

rafferty
03-14-2012, 05:06 PM
Sarcasm is the giant cover-up

I don't agree at all with this - not as a general rule in any case. Sarcasm is almost the way of life here in Australia. It's a normal communication style. Our humour is sarcastic. That's the way many of us are.

It's not about anger or contempt... and it's not about being out to get anyone.

I do agree that sometimes angry or resentful people hide behind sarcasm - or use sarcasm as a weapon. But ALL sarcasm is not anger. And all people who are sarcastic are not angry or contemptuous.

I think your past experiences and insecurities are getting in the way of being able to see that people can operate differently to how you fear. What would happen if you took your boyfriend at his word and accept that he *isn't* angry? What if you saw his sarcasm as humour that hides no contempt?

:love

nc
03-14-2012, 05:14 PM
I never wanted to believe this, because I wasn't raised to care about power or status...but the older I get the more it seems like life is just one giant power-play. Like it really IS eat or be eaten. It seems like you either take for yourself, or someone will gladly take from you. Sad but true.

I have to say that I don't believe this to be true at all. I am one of those people that tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to and the truth is that it is rare that I am truly disappointed in a person. I am always amazed at how kind and friendly complete strangers can be.

Last year I was struggling to carry some heavy bags out of the mall. Nothing was wrong with me they were just heavy and I had to walk to the other end of the mall. A women I had never met before insisted on taking some of the bags and helping me to my car. She was my age and said she was just waiting for her husband and had the time and I graciously accepted her help as the bags really were very heavy.

Things like this happen all the time and in return I offer the same kind of assistance to complete strangers, my husband is the same. If we see someone struggling to load something in a car we will stop and help.

I truly believe the world will be how you choose to see it, there is a lot of good out there and a lot of good people.

Kensington
03-14-2012, 05:43 PM
It's possible that your b/f is hiding hostility behind his humor. At the same time, not all sarcasm is really just angry words or attitude. I adore sarcastic humor and love conversations with friends who are good at it, too.

You can tell your b/f that when he says <blank>, you end up feeling <blank> (you fill in the words). If he continues to joke with you in the same way, you can decide if you feel he really is dismissing your feelings and whether or not you want to continue dating him, or if maybe you should look at your own insecurity.

Ultimately, I wouldn't want to tell you "Your b/f is doing nothing wrong" when he really may be passive aggressive. I just as strongly wouldn't want to tell you "All sarcasm is mean-spirited", when I don't think it is. You said you're working on this with your t. Do you have any insight from her/him about it yet or is it a work in progress? Trusting that he won't hurt you is a big thing to work on, as well as trust in general. You might consider asking him to go to one of your appts. to discuss the humor thing.

I second Nora's comment about the world not being "eat or be eaten". It can be, but if you only look for that, that's what you'll find.

bellydancer
03-14-2012, 07:44 PM
I think my tendency to feel not good enough and left out is exacerbated by my boyfriend's sarcasm because it feels like disrespect, like he's being evasive or inauthentic with me ON PURPOSE.

Is it possible that sarcasm aside, your boyfriend just happens to be a person who is disrespectful, inauthentic, unhappy, interested in power, etc.? I know plenty of people who have those traits who are not sarcastic at all.

As I said before, I don't believe that all sarcastic or snarky humor comes from a place of anger or disrespect. I believe that some people can use it in a way that is inappropriate, but in my experience, those people would be inappropriate anyway.

If your boyfriend is disrespectful of you, etc., then I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship, because I wouldn't advise anyone to put up with that no matter what their sense of humor.

I also don't believe that the world is all "eat or be eaten." There certainly are people who do believe that, and their goal is usually to make other people believe that's the way the world works. But I don't operate that way and the people I associate with don't operate that way, either. You can choose to play that game, or you can opt out.

Skyward
03-21-2012, 02:34 PM
I think this is what's going on. My boyfriend grew up feeling like the ugly duckling and so he learned to use humor to get attention and approval. But, even though he's very attractive now, he never quite grew out of the low self-esteem and so he over-compensates by acting cocky. Sarcasm is part of that persona for him.

He likes to be associated with what's "cool", even though he is almost forty and he claims to shun material things like wealth and flashy things.

Honestly, I don't think he's a deeply happy person. I know that he thrives on drama, which is what I've been trying to get away from. Sometimes I get the feeling that he's showing me off because he just wants to be with an attractive girl...but then it's not enough for him, like he has a short attention span and always wants more. With his entertaining personality and sarcasm he's able to get the attention he craves, but at the end of the day it feels...empty. Superficial.

I confronted him again about his snarky comments and he's very apologetic about it. But again it seems that when there's a threat of losing me, of me rejecting him, he's all over me, but when it's just us being comfortable and content (no drama), he gets bored easily. And that's not ok.

All in all, I don't know if this relationship is going to be a lasting thing. I think he wants to avoid his own weakness and vulnerability by putting on this persona, but I'm not in the business of running from myself anymore and if he can't admit to his own issues, I'm not going to help him maintain this persona.

rafferty
03-22-2012, 01:16 AM
Skyward.... I don't know what to say about the analysis of your boyfriend. You say you *think* this is what is going on. As in you don't know for sure.

Whether this is a 'persona' - or whether this is just him as he is - you need to decide whether you like him as he is now... or whether you can't see yourself being able to accept him like this.

If you don't like the way he is - then it's fine to break up with him - but I would caution you in turning this round into being about him not admitting his own 'issues'. This is about you not being comfortable with the way he operates in the world. Being sarcastic and using humour to be entertaining is pretty low on the scale of destructive issues. Whether it hides low self-esteem or not - it's not really harming him or others in a big way.

However - I get that for you - sarcasm is a red flag. For you sarcasm makes you uncomfortable due to your own experiences and background. As in it's not the sarcasm itself that is wrong... it's your own experiences around people who have been sarcastic as a way of hiding anger. Because sarcasm isn't a fault in and of itself. But for you - it's a no go zone.

So - it's totally within reason for you to say - 'No - this is isn't a relationship that's going to work for me'. But just make sure that you know that you are looking after YOUR needs - not damning him for not looking after your notions of what HIS needs are for a good life.

Take care,

:love

LoneMare
03-22-2012, 06:09 PM
Hi Skyward-

I'm sorry I did not take time to read thru all the posts but when I read your concern about sarcasm it hit home for me. I recently was reading a book on recovery and came across a section about emotional abuse. It mentioned sarcasm as a method of abuse and it fit my father's relationship with me. Actually his relationship with my mother as well. To me it was a way of putting others down to make himself feel "better" in a way. He honestly thought of it as just teasing but in an underhanded way he meant it.

I think it depends on how and what is said but in my case this type of comment has stayed with me all my life. It made me fear my father because even if it was a joke, no one likes to be made fun of and laughed at. When you make a mistake and a sarcastic comment is made it is demeaning and hurtful, no matter how it is intended.

I don't have much advice but I do hear you and understand how you feel.

I would encourage you to consider how you feel and how he feels before just discarding your emotions.

Take care,
LM

Skyward
03-26-2012, 09:29 PM
:hugon rafferty :hugoff,


So - it's totally within reason for you to say - 'No - this is isn't a relationship that's going to work for me'. But just make sure that you know that you are looking after YOUR needs - not damning him for not looking after your notions of what HIS needs are for a good life.

The thing is, I know he's not actually happy. I'm trying my best to move towards health and happiness, so I want my significant other to be moving in that direction as well. I see him living a lie and battling underlying issues behind closed doors. I understand that he might need to put on a facade for the outside world in order to feel protected, but I can't stand for that level of guardedness and fallacy in an intimate relationship. I need him to "get real" so that our relationship can and will be based on something REAL.


:hugon LoneMare :hugoff,

To me it was a way of putting others down to make himself feel "better" in a way. He honestly thought of it as just teasing but in an underhanded way he meant it.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. I think some people really do mean it and theirs is a purposeful attack. Then I think other people might not be so self-aware, not really understanding the connection between their sarcasm and their underlying anger. But I think in either case, there IS anger underlying it, whether or not a particular comment is "meant" to be a personal attack. Because whichever way you slice it, constant, perpetual sarcasm BUILDS A WALL between two people. It is NOT loving because it is NOT honest. And whether there's intentional malice behind it or not, it still doesn't foster an open, honest, healthy relationship. It causes people to feel off-guard, which ultimately makes them feel insecure. And then all you have is two people playing a game, denying and avoiding their authentic selves. And, in my experience, that's a recipe for disaster.

Skyward
02-06-2013, 02:17 AM
So, update - almost one year later.

My analysis of him was correct. He is not a happy person or at peace with himself. There is alcohol addiction involved, the severity of which he downplays.

He's not a bad person, but he is hell-bent on running from anything authentic within himself, which makes real intimacy with him impossible. He sabotages real closeness and feeds on drama, novelty, and image. Yes, there is a deeper person underneath all of that, but he doesn't want anything to do with that person because he perceives authenticity as "weak".

He actually recently told me that he and his family "prey on the weaknesses of other people". He was serious. And really, he thinks nothing of things like this. It's normal to him. He thinks that making fun of other people and putting them down is funny. I have tried to get him to see that this is twisted, not normal, and he says he sees where I'm coming from...but at the same time he doesn't want to change. Why? Because this "shield" protects him. It keeps anyone from actually getting close.

We've had wonderful times together. For the most part he has treated me well. But there is a significant level of fulfillment that I am not getting in this relationship. I do believe he loves me, to the extent that he can. But realistically I don't see this lasting. We are different at the core.

koru
02-06-2013, 03:36 AM
So - as you say there is 'significant' level of u fulfilment in this relationship - so what keeps you staying with him? A year is quite a long time to have gotten to knw him. You say you do now believe it is the way he is - so: what's your next step? It seems very passive to say "I do t see this lasting" - if you're not happy, why stay? Why do you want to wait to make the decision this is t the right relationship for you?

sflathinker
02-06-2013, 07:15 AM
He's always forty. He won't change. My last boyfriend claimed he was sarcastic yet I love sarcastic humor. I found him to be mean spirited, always looking to one up someone else and used "sarcasm" as a way to communicate what I believed was an insecurity. Notice I say what "I" believed. He believed he was just being funny. I spent three years trying to convince him he was being mean and that he was unhappy as a result of being picked on as a child. He believed that my eating disorder caused me to psycho analyze him and didn't appreciate me trying to turn his 'sarcastic humor' into something else. Fact is, he is a mean person. It didn't bode well for me. He judged strangers, my friends and me. Ultimately, you have to not only love the person you are with but like and respect them. Others will like that personality but if it rubs you the wrong way then that in itself is the red flag. You say it's his defense mechanism, but let's stop for a second and consider that YOU are likely on the defense some of the time because you are waiting for those snarky comments and having to pull up a wall or risk responding in a negative way. Are you happy with yourself around him? Do you like the wall you feel? Don't spend so much time analyzing him that you lose sight of how you feel about yourself with him in your life. No one can ascertain whether he's right for but what I'm reading you say resonates and he doesn't just sound sarcastic in a funny way, which can be light hearted. If he is judgmental and mean spirited and picks on you then you have to evaluate whether this is changing how you act in general and if you are able to be your best self with him in your life.

Skyward
02-06-2013, 12:57 PM
Koru -

Him and I are on the outs. Like any relationship where there has been love, it is difficult to finally cut something off for good. So I'm in the process of ending it. It makes me sad to end it but I have to take care of myself first.


Sfla -

I think we've dated the same guy. And the answer is, no, I don't like having to be walled. It is rare that he takes direct shots at me now because I stand up for myself, and he probably sees the way he treats me as respectful (as in, he treats me better than he does anyone else). But I realize that doesn't make it normal or healthy. I can't stand the sarcasm, the negativity, the judgment. And it's completely based on insecurity, which like I said he refuses to deal with. All I've wanted is for him to take responsibility for himself and his actions instead of denying his flaws and constructing HIS version of "reality" that supports and applauds his dysfunction. But, since it's clear he won't do that, I know I have to get out.

koru
02-06-2013, 02:02 PM
You're right - you definitely deserve better - I really hope for your sake, you'll be able to step away sooner rather than later, rather than hang on in a relationship that is not the best for you. I knw leaving will be sad, but it sounds like it will be necessary - and temporary - sadness. Saying goodbye now will later on open your heart for a more meaningful, fulfilling, relationship. I look forward to the update saying you hv left! I just hope it's not another entire year wasted with him

Skyward
02-06-2013, 08:56 PM
It's like slfathinker said - he's just MEAN. And he was picked on as a child too, felt abandoned by his parents, etc - and he has a ton of repressed grief associated with that which he refuses to bring to the surface. But if he would just let himself FACE the pain of his childhood and GRIEVE it out, although it would take some time, it would help him so much. THAT is the way out - but he thinks HIS way is the way out, his WILLFUL way of drinking, and being the comedian, and putting people down, and acting like a badass, like he doesn't care about anything because he's above it all. It's really sad to watch, because underneath that there IS a person who is worth rescuing. But I know that I am not the person to do the rescuing - he has to rescue himself.

It's like, underneath the exterior, he's this black hole. Like nothing is ever enough for him. It's just not enough, not enough to make him happy or at peace or calm. He can't just BE. Just never-ending. Which is the fundamental characteristic of addiction.

Having gone through recovery myself (still going through), I honestly believe that healing is as simple as facing your pain. Which, of course, is not "simple" - it's horribly painful and can take a long, long time. But at the end of the day, that is the only way out.

lexy*
02-07-2013, 08:05 AM
S,

Wow, your intuition was right! I tend to think that if you are in tune with yourself, particularly if you are a sensitive person, which you seem to be, intuition will serve you well. There is definitely a difference between sarcastic funny and sarcastic mean, and while the line may be somewhat blurry between the two, sometimes comments are just mean. I personally think that some times it isn't as important to analyze why someone is the way they are, but rather to look at how you feel when you are with them. And if you don't feel good when you're with the, regardless of the reason, it may not be a good relationship for you.

I'm glad that you are self aware enough to have taken the relationship for the good that it was but also that you have the strength to move on.

L

Skyward
03-11-2013, 12:24 AM
Well the relationship is officially done. I feel good about it.

Looking back, I saw red flags at the start but I chose to ignore them, and really I knew that I would end up regretting that. What alarmed me from the beginning was how emotionally intense he was, how everything seemed so dire and dramatic with him. But, he showered me with attention and became so quickly obsessed with me, and frankly I liked the attention. I was vulnerable at the time and he made me feel wanted and beautiful.

He'll deny it, but he is an alcoholic. I knew this early on. I think that the over-inflated emotions and the NEED he expressed for me from the start made me feel like I had to "rescue" him in a way. At one point early on in the relationship, he said "If you ever left me, I would probably kill myself". So here is this clearly wounded, ultimately emotionally unavailable guy who is pouring it on WAY too strong and is WAY too intense, and I did not turn the other way and run...this concerns me so much. I guess I think that I am somehow *responsible* for other people's feelings, like I have to FIX the person because it's "my fault" that they're feeling the way they do. But this put me in a relationship where it was all about him, and where MY emotional needs were practically non-existent. It's like he sucked all the air out of the room. Very much the style of both of my parents.

Also, part of me was *afraid* of him. I could tell that he had a very egotistical, nasty, vengeful side, and I felt like if I didn't go along with what he wanted of me, I would pay. On some gut level, I was afraid to cross him. I got the sense that if I rejected him, he would try to destroy my reputation. So I chose to ignore the red flags. Obviously a big problem.

All I can do now is learn from this relationship and not repeat it in the future. I cannot be so forgiving of these guys who "need" me, because then I end up being some kind of "mommy"...a dysfunctional dynamic that never ends well.

axi
03-11-2013, 12:27 AM
Hugs, Skyward.

Skyward
03-13-2013, 09:36 PM
:gimmehug

I'm on and off. Sometimes I'm so happy to be away from him, and then other times I break down in tears. I wanted so badly for it to work. I wanted things to be perfect, like they were in the beginning. But I could not ignore the FACTS. I had to be honest with myself about what I was dealing with.

I'm scared about being alone. I know I can do it, but it's still scary. I understand why so many people don't leave bad relationships, because they just don't want to have to start all over.

I didn't want it to be this way...I guess I'm grieving what was...and grieving the fact that I had no choice but to end it.

koru
03-14-2013, 03:39 AM
:hugon skyward :hugoff

as your username says, 'skyward' - up up and on ..

im sorry you're hurting right now, but i do think you'd be hurting just as much - if not more - if you stayed with him.

its normal to feel grief when a relationship doesn't turn out the way you hoped it too. sounds like you're grieving what you hoped it would be like, rather than what it was, if that makes sense.

time is a great healer - the hurt will get less and less, and the joy will be greater = as will the relief and gladness you did leave now and not years and years later :love

Skyward
03-16-2013, 11:41 AM
Thanks Koru :) It is true that if I had stayed with him, it would have just been more of the same BS that was already happening. He is incapable of taking responsibility for himself or his actions. In his (delusional) eyes he is perfect, and hell-bent on convincing everyone else of that too.

It hit me this morning that what I did in this relationship was make him the center of my world, instead of myself. He was very needy and would get angry because he felt so insecure, and I was always there to reassure him that I loved him and wanted him and found him attractive, etc. But it's like managing him became my full-time job, and I didn't even realize it at the time. I was so focused on what HE needed, and I was not paying attention to what I really needed - and wasn't getting - from him. And looking back, I see that all he really wanted was for me to cater to him and adjust myself to his world. He felt entitled to have his every wish fulfilled, like I "owed" him that, like I was his mother. It was not a two-sided relationship; he would do things for me, but when it came to being there for me, he was incapable of seeing past the end of his own nose.

Like I mentioned earlier, many warning signs were there, and I saw those warning signs. But I was so taken in by his needs that I ignored my own. There was a part of me, too, that liked all the attention he was giving me. But the real problem is, why did I make someone else's standards a higher priority than my own standards? I knew from the start that I was dealing with an irresponsible, self-absorbed, self-entitled, angry person. Maybe I thought I could fix him, that my love would "make things better". But what ended up happening was I got pulled into all the drama and chaos that was HIS world. All the emptiness, the unfulfillment, the denial, that stagnation that he lives every day. And it is on my shoulders that I chose to enter into that world.

All I can do now is be a lot more careful and listen to myself when something tells me there is something off about someone. I have to stop fearing the consequences of rejecting somebody who wants something from me. I have to start really trusting myself that I can make it on my own, taking care of and defending myself, and refusing to put up with less than I deserve.

Skyward
03-21-2013, 09:13 PM
Reflecting today...

I think that I stayed with him much longer than I should have because somewhere inside me I was afraid that his bad behavior was my fault, like I deserved it. This is a significant pattern of mine, in relationships and in life. If someone acts poorly towards me, I am more likely to blame myself, although I have gotten much better at this. But still, this tendency is not gone yet and I think it is what's standing in the way of me and a happy life.

I often felt like he had an agenda with me, to one-up me or make himself look smarter or more capable than me. Maybe I attracted him in the first place because he was looking for someone who wouldn't call a spade a spade. But I did call him out on his shit many times. At first he seemed to respect me for standing up for myself, but then he just fought back harder, trying even harder to win. And I got scared that maybe I was wrong and was being too hard on him. I started to let more and more things slide. I lost myself there.

I often feel like everyone else is right and I'm the wrong one, I'm the one who has the problem or isn't seeing things correctly, and therefore I am the one who deserves mistreatment and deserves to be treated as wrong. I don't know how to feel worthy of having a rapport with people, having them like, love, and support me....which is probably why I attract unhealthy people who confirm my worst fears. I just want my life to work.

axi
03-21-2013, 11:39 PM
I think unhealthy people are all over the place and everyone meets them. However, healthy people stop letting them treat them badly much sooner than someone with low self-esteem. People with healthy self-esteem create boundaries and when someone continually stomps on them, they realize that person is not good for them to be around and end it rather than letting it drag on and trying to fix it and that person forever.

Skyward
03-23-2013, 11:17 PM
People with healthy self-esteem create boundaries and when someone continually stomps on them, they realize that person is not good for them to be around and end it rather than letting it drag on and trying to fix it and that person forever.

Yes. And I am proud of myself that I finally decided that enough was enough. I have been handling all of this well, until tonight when I found out that he's been telling his family and friends that he broke up with me. He's telling them what he wants them to think and know, and it makes me so angry because he's basically erasing the truth of our relationship. He is saying that what happened didn't really happen, and I am not in a position to defend myself to his family or friends.

I do not like when someone twists the truth and makes me look bad in order to make themselves look better. I am so ANGRY that I got involved with this person who has NO integrity and NO backbone, NO desire to admit the truth and the part he played. This whole things makes me feel like a cornered animal. I feel like such an injustice has been done here.

What it boils down to is he is stealing MY voice. He is spreading lies. It wouldn't surprise me if people don't believe his story, because he's known for lying, but even so it makes me feel like I cannot defend myself. I broke up with him because he was never wrong, would never admit to his part in anything. He was "perfect". So I'm not shocked that he is continuing to act like a child, preserving his image at all costs. But it makes me SO MAD. I feel violated.

axi
03-24-2013, 12:37 AM
I think this is a good thing to practice your letting go skills on. Your anger is justified, so feel it, but don't dwell on it. These are people you do not know, so will it affect you in the long run?

Skyward
03-24-2013, 08:14 PM
Your anger is justified, so feel it, but don't dwell on it.


That's a good point. Because if I dwell on it, I'm continuing to give him power over me. I already know what he's about, so I don't need to waste my mental energy on someone who isn't worth it.


These are people you do not know, so will it affect you in the long run?


I do know them, but I only know them through him so I don't have a real, personal relationship with any of them. It doesn't affect me directly. I am just angry that he is taking something that's not his to take. But, I have to move on from this.