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beep
03-10-2012, 10:16 PM
Hi there.
So here's my story:
I was in recovery for a few years until a few years ago when I started having problems questioning my sexuality. I've never dated in high school, and I was more into drinking in the first year of college than dating. But my sophomore year, I met a girl who made my world flip upside down. I had really intense feelings for her that scared me, because I couldn't be gay. So I dealt with it by drinking a lot and losing my virginity to a guy I don't know or remember. I don't remember much besides crying hysterically and throwing up for hours afterwards. I hated myself and started having panic attacks. I had to drop out of school because things got so bad, and when I got home, things got worse. I was restricting and purging, and was really irritable. My mom was mad at me and kept threatening me with sending me away. I was at my lowest point when I met this other girl. She was gorgeous to me. Blue eyes, wonderful smile, and a hilarious personality. We started talking and then we were ” together.” She made me feel happy and beautiful and I loved her. Being with her helped me out of the dark place I was in, but the longer we did what we were doing, the more I felt like the world would hate me. I started school back up in the fall and had to leave her, and when I was away from her, this voice in my head would tell me what we were doing was wrong and that we were disgusting. But when I was with her, nothing else mattered but us and how happy we were. But with both of us in school, we couldn't see each other often and the voice won out and I broke things off. I don't know what I was thinking, but I thought if w weren't together, then everything would be better. But it wasn't. My heart hurt for her. she ended up in a relationship with another girl not even a month later and my ED has been back with a vengeance. I keep wondering what is wrong with me that she moved on so quickly. And another part of me hates myself for being in love with a girl in the first place. Its been a few months since I found out about them dating and she keeps telling me that we should be friends. We hang out every time I'm home, but I cry and purge whenever we are done being together. I was doing so good before and I don't know how to get this to stop. I want to be her friend, and I want to stop purging, and I want up stop feeling this way. I don't know what to do.

bellydancer
03-11-2012, 01:08 AM
Hi beep,

Welcome to SF.

Even though she wants a friendship with you, you don't need to try to be friends with her if it's not right for you. If being friends with her tends to make you this upset, then maybe you could at least put off the friendship until you reach a stronger place.

ducksquack
03-11-2012, 05:45 AM
Welcome and I hope you find a lot of good support
here for your ED recovery and your other issues.
EDs are not about the food as it is the underlying
issues that we need to address (of course we need
to address our disordered eating too).

Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. I am not but
I have friends who are.

I suggest you get a support team to help you deal
with your physical and emotional issues and keep
sharing here as you arent alone.

god bless.

VCS
03-11-2012, 12:21 PM
Hey Beep

welcome to SF and well done for posting about something that is clearly a sensitive issue for you

I was in recovery for a few years until a few years ago when I started having problems questioning my sexuality. i think that this is key to your post - accepting your sexuality is key to your recovery

there seems to be a lot of conflict in you - you can recover when you accept your sexuality and are happy in a relationship but you still feel ashamed of your sexuality which then leads to you punishing yourself and ending the relationship and causing you pain and relapsing

i am gay and happy to be, i have no issues with this part of me. i dont go shouting it off the roof tops and i dont go in life when i meet people saying "hi, my name is V and i am gay" in the same way that you never get people introducing themselves to you saying "Hi my name (whatever the name is) and i am straight". we are all people, we all deserve the same in life whether we are gay or straight

you are you, you have your values, your beliefs, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses whether you are gay or straight - nothing changes

believe me, there is nothing wrong with you being gay. i dont know if the way you see it as wrong is because you have somehow gotten that message from someone (directly or indirectly) or if it is something deep rooted in yourself or could it be that because it is something that makes you happy (and why shouldnt it), you resist it?

are you in therapy? have you ever discussed this in therapy? i would suggest that you need to speak about it in the work that you do around recovering from ed as to me, from what you have posted, there is a clear link there

it might be worth also getting in contact with an association - coming to terms with being gay is something a lot of people have struggled with. it might help

for me, i came out quite late really, in my early twenties and i was more scared coming out to my gay male friend than anybody else

i hope that you find some peace within yourself. there is nothing wrong with you for being gay, absolutely nothing

V x

beep
03-11-2012, 12:41 PM
Thank you guys for replying. I don't know if I could stop seeing her altogether. It scares me to think about. Like maybe she'll be happy I'm out of her life or maybe she'll forget about me... That sounds bad, doesn't it? Idk. I am not currently in therapy, but I do see a counselor every once in a while through school. I just have a difficult time bring honest with her when I talk about it. She assumes the person I was seeing is a man and I'm afraid how she'll look at me when I correct her. I don't know why. I wasn't raised in a very homophobic lifestyle and I have no problems with other people being gay, just myself.

VCS
03-11-2012, 12:54 PM
hey beep - your T will not judge you if you correct her and say that it was a woman, not a man, that you were seeing. without having to go into correcting her as such, could you just next time you see her, say something along the lines of - i think there is a link between my ed and me being unable to accept my sexuality. or anything that would open up the topic that you feel comfortable saying. i do think that this is something that you need to explore and come to terms with to recoever fully

do you accept that you are gay?
why is it wrong for you to be gay when it is ok for others to be?

you dont have to answer on here unless you want to but maybe for yourself. and maybe that could be something you discuss at therapy

or, if you dont feel you can bring it up at therapy, why dont you look up an association and go through that process with them. they wont necessarily be equiped to deal/help with the ed stuff but they could help you make more sense of why you are not accepting your sexuality?

good luck x

beep
03-12-2012, 06:13 PM
V, some days I don't feel too bad about liking girls. But it doesn't last long. I start to make up excuses about it, and if someone asks or beings it up I feel like I can't breathe and feel sick to my stomach. Then the whole cycle of b&p begins. I know i'm supposed to accept it, but I don't know how to. I feel awful about myself.

What associations are you talking about? I know there arr groups on campus, but I'm afraid to go. Do they talk about these problems? what would they think about it? would they be offended? Idk. I'm afraid they won't accept me there, either. I know I should really talk to my.counselor about my fears, but I can't deer her for another couple Weeks. My mind is constantly racing and i'm afraid.

VCS
03-13-2012, 02:55 AM
hey beep - cant stay long as have to get ready for work. noticed that you are from minnesota somy knowledge of what is available in the states is very limited but i have just had a quick google search and i saw there is a lgbt association on the campus. i can understand that you would rather not go there in the first instance but i wonder whether they have a phone line so you wouldnt have to speak to someone face to face, instead do that on the phone. there seems to be a site worth looking at if you google support for lgbt support - i cant post a link on here sorry, but it will say transgender and lgbt support in MN. scroll down pass the transgender info and you get to what might be halpful to you - think i saw something about a crisis line, would be on the phone, would likely be anonymous so could help you if you wanted to speak to someone but not sure, have a better look
nobody will judge you, you may think that the lgbt community is confident and everybody has got it all sorted out, everybody is out and proud. wish it were true, it's not. unfortunately there are far too many girls and boys out there who struggle with their sexuality for one reason or another and the lgbt associations or organisations across the world are there to support anyone who is struggling and reaching out with support. your struggles will be understood, you wont be judged. you seem conflicted and you know what, you are not the only one, the first one or the last one. also, not sure if that would help or not, but hey, maybe you dont need a label, maybe you just need to accept your preferences. all that stuff you could talk to someone, being your T or a lgbt association/organisation
but if it is affecting you to the point you mention, i would really encourage you to talk about it with someone, whoever you feel comfortable with. you can continue on here and i am more than happy to listen, respond, share my experience, my doubts, my difficulties, my successes, only if that helps and that is what you want. but as i said, reaching out for more local support where you can talk to someone would be the best, especially as it affects your ed
best of luck! x

beep
03-20-2012, 04:13 PM
Thanks so much for the support.

I am back at school now, but before I went back I had a conversation with the girl I had talked about previously. She is the only person outside of my family who I have told about my ED. We talked about my sexuality and not knowing (or accepting) who or what I am, and she told me that she's always here for me. Having her.say that helped me get a little bit of a handle on my b/p..

I did take your advice and went to my counselor today. Shockingly, she brought up the ties between my ED and my acceptance after I told her about some things. she didn't look at me differently, and I was really glad for that. It's now actually pride week here, so there are a lot of events going on thrown by the organizations you had told me about. I'm not sure if I'll attend anything, but it's nice to see that there is this kind of support shall I need it. I'm just not ready to reach out for that sort of help right now.

VCS
03-20-2012, 05:10 PM
hey Beep - very well done you!! i had been wondering how you were doing but didnt want to push you or put any pressure on you.

I am really pleased that you had that conversation and that said she will always be there for you. It's great that you were able to speak freely about your struggle to accept your sexuality. that's excellent, a brave step and i am so happy that it has helped you get a handle a bit more of your b/p

As for speaking to your counselor - you go girl!!! really proud of you for doing that and i hope that now it is in the open and she has/had made a link between acceptance and ed, you can start doing some work with her on that

Pride is great, can be a bit daunting the first time round but hey, wouldnt going out on a friday night on your own be daunting (at least a bit) whether gay or not? Pride can be very liberating though. But hey, you have made some pretty big steps and you take it at the speed you feel comfortable with. There's no right or wrong, there's no ticky list to follow, nothing like that

I hope that with time, with the support from your friend (can i say that instead of "the girl you mentioned"?), the support from your T, the support from the LGBT community, you get to a place where you accept who you are and find true happiness and full recovery from your ED

Best of luck - i will keep an eye on this thread if you post some more and i am always here to answer questions, help in anyway i can, provide some support or just listen

V x

beep
04-22-2012, 02:00 PM
Hi I just wanted to update:

So a couple Weeks ago I was diagnosed with pancreatitis. I don't really know how or why, and I fear that my b/p has caused it. It was only a mild case, and the pain is gone, but other health issues have risen and I'm still not handling my Ed well at all. My b/p has gotten more out of control after I finally admitted my sexuality out loud to my counselor. my counselor doesn't know how bad it has gotten, but she keeps telling me how proud she is that i've finally admitted my sexuality. She said it's the first and most important step in my road to acceptance and recovery. But I actually feel worse since I've admitted it. putting it all out there in words is even scarier than keeping it in and hiding it. I'm constantly scared that it'll get out to everyone. On top of that, my counselor had me write about my experiences. over a dozen pages came out and all of which made me remember all of the things I've done in the last few years to try and hide, none of them good. All of those mistakes made me sick to my stomach, but putting them down made me feel cleansed in a sense... Until I read them to my counselor and then my ” friend” who I was with but broke out off with because I was to scared... my consult said it was a good thing to share it with my friend, but there were things in there about her and now she won't talk to me. She's so important to me and I think i've actually lost her completely. She told me that I shouldn't have let her read it, and now o wish I hadn't. I haven't been able to allow myself to eat, and when I do, i've refused to keep it down. I'm so angry and upset with myself for everything, but I'm more scared than anything. I feel so lost. my counselor tells me that I did good starting everything, but I can't help feeling that I messed everything up and I wish I could take everything back. everyone tells me that admitting things feels liberating, but I feel more out of control and stifled than I did before. I don't know what to do. Especially since the only person who told me they would be here for me won't even talk to me.

VCS
04-22-2012, 03:49 PM
Hi Beep

I dont know what pancreatis is; i'm sorry you got diagnosed with that but glad the pain is gone. hope you are in contact with a doctor for your other health issues

you use the word "admitted" and not "accepted" - firstly it's really really good that you have admitted it and you are discussing with your T, it is indeed a positive step in the right direction.

you dont seem to have accepted it yet - it's just an observation hun and that's ok. it's different for everybody and there's no set time, right way or wrong way.it's very much an individual thing. admitting it can indeed be liberating and for many many people it is. i think that accepting it is probably even more liberating and maybe that's why you dont feel liberated. again, no pressure hun. you've done great, you've gone a long way in a relatively short amount of time. i think you need to discuss the difference between admitting it and accpetting it with your T and i think you need to tell her about the increased b/p

i'm no expert and wont pretend i am but i wonder if the reason for inceased b/p (or one of) is the fact that you still have negative thoughts or views on yoour sexuality - you have not yet accepted it. what do you think? do you think you can discuss that with your T

i think that it's amazing that despite the fact it's so hard, you engage with your T and her request so well - that's truly great, well done for that!

i am sorry that your friend reacted the way she did. i cant comment too much because i dont know her, i dont know you, i only know a bit of your experience through what you have written and i dont know what your wrote in your letter. is it possible that she just feels confused, lost, doesnt know how to handle the situation? i remember that you talked about the link between b/p and your relationship with her; i think you said that you were b/p more when thngs stopped between the two of you - if you spoke about that in your letter, is there a chance she could feel guilty or upset? is there any chance you could write to her to engage contact again? i hope that you two can get back in contact and work through that.

have you had any contact with the organisation? it might be helpful talking to people about their journey - realising they were gay, their struggles with it, how they came to admit it, accept it, how they came to be ok or even proud with their sexuality? i promise hun, it's not very often a case of very easiliy and quickly realise you're gay (general you), accept it, announce it to the world and be happy/proud with it. but you dont have to do that on your own and you dont have to rush with it either. a step at a time hun and for now, i think you need to tell your T about increased b/p

Take care
V x

FoxInSox
04-22-2012, 05:18 PM
Hi Beep,

I'm coming back to SF after several years because I want to give and receive some support.Your thread really caught my attention because I recently came out myself.

For me, my ED (and related "stuff") were unquestioningly related to my sexuality. Every time life asked of me to grow and develop in this area, I freaked out. After about a decade of this, I finally got still and asked the question, "Well, what if I *were* lesbian?" The relief and excitement and freedom I felt were immediate, arriving even before my brain could piece together the sentence, "Well, that's be freaking AWESOME!"

But...that kind of elated response came after a very very messy decade full of therapy, journaling, ED and SI, ******** step work, re-evaluating my religious beliefs, individuating from my family, a marriage (that, duh, didn't work) and a divorce, medication management, etc. I was hiding alot of things from myself, and one of the biggest was my sexuality.

It make so much sense to me that this is linked for you, as well. Sexuality and ED's seem pretty linked in general. Right now, you are in a place where you have said this big scary thing to someone, and despite her calm and accepting response, now it's *out there.* It's a little bit more real than when it was only inside your brain, and a hell of alot more scary. Currently, one of the ways you handle your anxiety is the b/p cycle. As you continue to work through recovery and work from admitting to accepting, your anxiety will decrease, your comfort with it will increase, and you won't need the relief of the b/p. Your anxiety will, in general, be lessened and you'll have more and more tools to handle miserable emotions, too.

Hang in there, lovey!