View Full Version : Dealing with someone who won't admit they take issue with your relationship?

03-05-2012, 01:07 PM
Iíve been engaged for going on six months now, we plan to get married in December. My future-MIL has started to show opposition to our marriage and itís taking a toll on me. Iíve been binging a lot since I found out, which adds just that extra component of ED stress to deal with on top of what there would already be. From the start things werenít great. She said that he had never shown any signs of the plan before we got engaged or told her about it. (He told her before he went to ask my dadís ďpermissionĒ that he was going to talk to my dad about marrying me) Most recently however, she confronted him about why he doesnít ever take her advice, and he said cause she didnít know what was going on with him, so she didnít have an understanding of the issues in his life. Then she said that the reason he doesnít talk to her about anything, especially us getting married, is because itís stupid and ridiculous and he knows it but doesnít want to admit it. At that point in the conversation he had to leave before he did something he would regret. It took me a couple hours to calm him down, and they still avoided each other for a couple days. Today she asked him why he was avoiding her and he said because of the argument and her lack of support for our relationship, she responded that sheíd never been anything but supportive.

We are Catholic and before today weíd discussed going to our parish priest and having him discuss her concerns (the director of faith formation asked when we first got engaged if either family was opposed. We said no, because we didnít think so at the time, but she said if they had been then having the priest intervene with them and try to allay their concerns wouldíve been the first course of action). But now Iím not sure if that would work at all, because she seems like she would deny having any opposition or concerns. Iíve been trying to figure out how to make her feel more involved, with planning and such, but itís very difficult with how angry Iím getting at every turn. I feel like Iím walking on eggshells with her, because I donít want to make his relationship with his family take another turn for the worse and I think a lot of her opposition comes from having married young herself and things being tense in her own marriage at this point. Does anyone have any ideas or advice?

03-05-2012, 02:21 PM
Sorry you're going through this.

Even if your husband didn't talk to his mom about his plans to marry you, so what? Your fiance is marrying you, not his mother. His mother needs to understand that. Now that he's an adult, she might not be involved in every decision he makes. And as hard as that might be, you need to keep that in mind as well when you get frustrated. Avoid taking out your frustrations on your future husband. Regardless, using behaviors won't help with the situation. It won't help you deal with your future MIL and it won't help you support your fiance through his relationship with his mother either.

As for the priest getting involved, that's a decision that you'll have to make based on a) whether you think it will help and b) how necessary it is for the church to know about your mother in law's difficulties. Personally, I've never found priests to be useful regarding marital and relationship issues, but that's just my experience. Other people might find it useful and it might depend on the individual priest.

Is the issue that she truly opposes the marriage, or that she's now claiming that she feels out of the loop on it?

03-06-2012, 11:33 AM
Thank you for replying bellydancer :)

I think it's a combination of the two things. She tries to claim that her being out of the loop on it, is evidence that it's a bad decision, because we must be actively avoiding other people seeing our relationship.

You're right about not taking it out on him and how I shouldn't use behaviors. I've been trying to stay more levelheaded than him about it and actually calm him down. I've just never dealt with drama like this before personally (my family is essentially drama free, my brother has had lots of issues with his ex-wife, but my immediate and even extended family is pretty easy going) and I really want his mom to like me. I think the biggest problem personally is my ability to react to this. A lot of me is trying to find sympathy for her about how her marriage is right now and how she's struggling to let "her boy" grow up (before we got engaged she'd said something about how an ambiguous "they" were taking him away) and get him to feel sympathy so that he doesn't just stop trying, and trying to find a way to fix that, which I should know I can't do, but I feel like I should and it all spirals from there. I'm sorry, I don't know how coherent this is.

The reason we would go to the priest is because while she has little respect for us, as she doesn't yet consider us adults, is she is very very religious, and has great respect for the Church. By him explaining that the Church finds no fault with our decision and that we're taking our time doing all the pre-marital counseling that the Church requires maybe she'll see this as a rational decision and not just a stupid thing that a couple of dumb kids are doing and will regret as soon as they have.