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pantherr
03-03-2012, 05:37 PM
My bf and I have been dating for just over six months now. I've known that I love him for about a couple of months now, but I was waiting for him to say it first until I realized he might not. So today we were laying on the couch half-asleep, and he said he should get ready to go to work. I asked him if he wanted to know a secret before he left and I leaned in and whispered "I love you."

He was silent for a second then went "are you sure?" Hmmm..why would I say it if I wasn't sure? Then he said "I love you, too." :touched.

But then he got upset. Said that I don't know him well enough, that he's had a lot of problems and there's some stuff he's been shielding from me, that's I'm so cute/pretty/innocent and he's dragged me into his life. The last time he loved a girl he got his heart broken really badly, and that was around the time that his mom died, so the feelings he associates with 'I love you' are remind him of that time. :cry I think he got a little teary eyed even? Then he said I should think about it a little more because I don't know everything about him.

It was honestly the most bizarre thing. I kind of want to cry about it? But I really, really do love him. I've never told anyone that before, I've never felt like this and as warm and fuzzy as I feel :lubdub as much as I really do love him, he just said that it's really scary for him and he has trouble getting so intimate with someone. I told him that it's scary for me too, and that the problems he's had in the past don't matter to me + he doesn't perceive himself the way I do.

Anyway...that obviously was not quite how I had imaged that would go...I mean I get it, I had a feeling he would be pretty surprised to hear it and might respond like that to a lesser degree, but I also imagined it would be something that'd make him happy, not...upset like that.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Just thought I'd share the story. Honestly all I feel right now is a tiny bit sad, confused, but mostly just overwhelmed by how much I love him and wish he didn't go to work. He left and he was like "I'm sorry, it's just a lot for me to process right now. I'll call you later so we can talk more." :lookin

I just don't know what more to say to him. Really I just want to tell him a gazillion more times that I love him so that he can absorb it and just believe that's really how I feel. But I don't want to overwhelm him...I'm just not sure what all of this is about. I also hope he didn't say that he loves me just because he knew that's what I wanted to hear/that's what he was supposed to say. I mean, it's not fair to second guess what he said (esp since that's what he did with me and that's what is making me crazy right now). But I just wonder if he does or not. Also, I feel like I'm having a little bit of an out of body experience right now. Like..happiness but panic at the same time. AH.

fifteen
03-03-2012, 07:07 PM
First off, good for you for being honest about your feelings with him. That is very brave. I'm sorry he didn't react how you wanted him to. But I wouldn't start questioning how he feels about you. He clearly cares about you and I think that scares him because he has trust issues and doesn't want to get hurt again. It's often the people we care about the most that end up hurting us the most.

When you talk to him again just continue to be honest, patient and understanding. I can tell you as someone who has been burned by people I've trusted it's hard for me to be open and believe people when they tell me they care about me. My initial reaction is just to say "yeah right." But that doesn't mean I don't actually care a ton; it's more a defense mechanism. It just means I'm terrified of letting someone in only for them to hurt me again. Try not to take it personally. If his intimacy issues become too much for you then you might have to reevaluate your relationship. But for now I hope that he comes to see how much you love him and want to be there for him.

Good luck with everything.

pantherr
03-04-2012, 12:10 PM
Thank you for your reply! It was brave, huh?

I don't want to question how he feels about me. I know he cares about me. I guess I am also just scared that I let myself love him and if he pulls away now I'd be really heartbroken. So I really do know what he means when he says it scares him. Because I'm scared by it, too.

I also believe that he wants to work on it and not be so scared. I think it's something we both will 'get over' in a sense...

Thank you again. He didn't call last night but we were texting while we were both at work, joking around a lot as if everything was normal...I mean, everything IS normal. We are fine. There's just that little issue of that I love him that we need to discuss, I guess.

EDIT: Also, when he said "I don't know everything about him"...it really, really struck something and made me a little sad because I haven't told him ANYTHING about the ED, which is a lesser part of my life than it used to be, but was at its peak when he and I started dating. He has absolutely no clue. He knows I try to eat healthy and avoid junk food, and that I do work out, but the distorted parts of what looks like a 'healthy lifestyle' I keep completely hidden from him. I feel guilty because he feels guilty for hiding stuff from me, and meanwhile, this is kind of a big thing that I'm keeping from him. I don't think I'm ready to tell him...not sure if I ever will want to tell him. Only my family and two of my best friends know - one of these friends reacted really inappropriately and continues to make it very difficult for me to be around her because of it, and the other friend is in recovery herself (so while she can understand, she doesn't exactly model healthy behaviors herself).

It isn't fair to project those two less-than-positive experiences onto him, but I really just can't tell him yet. Mostly, that's because I just don't want him to worry or see me as weak/needing help in any way.

sprout
03-04-2012, 08:10 PM
Hi Pantherr,

I'm not sure what to say but I read your post and it touched me so I wanted to say something. :shy

It sounds like you and your bf are still getting to know each other and it is really sweet that you were able to express your feelings, and he said he loved you too. Yes, it does sound like he may have some baggage, but who doesn't, right!

But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Just take things slow and don't pressure yourself or him....you are learning about each other and learning to trust each other.

:lubdub :love

pantherr
03-05-2012, 12:51 AM
:gimmehug

Thank you sprout, that's so sweet of you!! Your reply put a smile on my face. :cute

I like the way you put it - everyone does have some kind of baggage (me included, obviously) and we are definitely still learning about each other and how to trust one another. It's such a scary but nice thing.

sflathinker
03-05-2012, 08:58 AM
Intimacy is a process and true love is knowing and accepting all of someone. Hopefully you will both want to take the relationship to the next level, when you are ready. That vulnerability is scary, but necessary eventually. For now, keep moving forward and enjoy falling in love.