PDA

View Full Version : feeling lost


floran
02-29-2012, 09:19 PM
I have never posted my own 'problem' on here before, and find it rather scary doing so. I hope I'm posting in the right area; I apologise if not. But there are several areas of 'relationships' that are troubling me.

I've worked really hard on my anorexia. I suffered it since a teenager.

The problem is that I find it exhausting being around people. I'm exhausted most of the time anyway. I struggle getting out of my house, and await for people having gone to work and school before taking my dogs out. I have been victimized in the past in my neighbourhood, even needing a police car parked outside where I live, just to keep me safe. I know I was victimized because I come across as someone who is a 'victim' and will not fight back, having a gentle nature. I know the neighbourhood trouble could all start again at any time. These 'negative' relationships towards me frighten me. I now feel that I don't really want to get to know or see people - yet I dearly wish I didn't feel this way.

My dogs are my life, and I fear that they have become the only ones who love me, or who ever will. I love them so very, very much.

I struggle with certain family relationships - I have a much older sister who I realise has chipped away at my confidence all my life, and continues to do so. But whenever anyone meets her, she shines brightly. I feel guilty saying she has a much darker, manipulative side to her character. This has been realised not just by me, but by my Psychiatrist, and he sees it as her long-term jealously of me as a younger sibling. But back then, when I was younger, I was stronger and more able to deal with the way my sister treated me. Ironically, my relationship with my sister has become even harder, since I depend upon her becasue I find so many things difficult. I know this has led to an even more unhealthy relationship. But how can I change it? How can I change myself so she is not so 'involved' in my life?

I also suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is hard for my family to accept or understand. Post Traumatic Strss is very difficult for me to cope with on an everyday basis. It was the absolute turning point which changed my life from something promising and good into a living nightmare; when I truly broke down, and had several breakdowns afterwards. I still do. I don't think I've ever recovered, and I fear I never will.

Yet there had been so many possibilities - just the normal 'ups and downs' of life - which could have been part of my life. I know regrets are not helpful. But the other day, it really hit me how abnormal and how very different my life-possibilities have turned out. I was walking my dog, and a woman with a push-chair containing baby twins passed me by. I suddenly found myslef crying. I am soon to turn forty-two years of age. I have longed for a partner and a family of my own all my life - but time seems to have passed me by, being stolen by the horrors of my illnesses. I have failed so much. I have never even had a relationship - never even been kissed. I feel so embarrassed admitting this.

My heart aches for all that is lost to me. And I am lost with it too.

I can't really put into words what I feel. I know I am so lucky to have my dogs. But something is wrong. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know what to do.

I am sorry to post this. I feel such a trouble doing so. I hope I have not annoyed anyone with my post. But I now don't know where to turn, or what to do about how I feel, and how I have failed so terribly.

ducksquack
03-01-2012, 05:08 AM
I am sorry to hear you struggle so badly with life
however posting about it here shows a lot of courage
and it is good to get out all of our feelings with those
who understand some.

My illnesses did rob me of much of my life and it has
been painful dealing with them all. Alcoholism was my
first diagnosis followed soon after with chronic depression,
OCD, GAD and then finally my EDNOS.

Recovery has been a brutal battle for me in many ways
as my addict mind has been a huge challenge to overcome.

Fear, worry, anxiety along with many underlying issues
required I get tons of support from both professionals
as well as support groups such as AA and OA to name
the main ones. I started my recovery in my forties so
much of my life was lived not knowing what was really
wrong with me.

Today my life is good and recovery has brought me much
peace of mind which I never ever had. I will never be
what I consider 'normal' but thats ok because I am now
ok being me.

Reach out and never give up is what I suggest and I know
that without some very dear people in my life I would never
have made it. There are safe and supportive people out there
and I hope you consider finding some.

god bless.

recoveryatlast
03-01-2012, 05:58 AM
i read your post and it sounds like me five years ago- the similarities almost put goose bumps on my arms.

I would get yelled at when i walked my dog and lock myself in my house. i had problems with my family and some ptsd issues as well.

And i was grieving all the loses the ED had made me endure. But grieving all that stuff is what just before i started to really put the effort in to fight my ed and get well

I'm a normal weight now and recovered and people smile at me instead of yell. My family relationships have been repaired and i'm still working on some ptsd but i'm heaps better than before

It is all possible - im a year older than you so never think its too late

do you see any professionals for help? Have you been in treatment?

floran
03-01-2012, 06:36 AM
I thank the people who have been so kind and understanding, sending me mesages of support.

However, I cannot see the 'delete' option for my thread, and I would dearly wish to remove what I have written. Seeing my own message has distressed me, and I don't want to distress anyone else. It is the last thing I would ever wish to do to anyone. I should not have written it, I now realise.

If a MODERATOR sees this, is it possible you could delete it for me, please? I would be most gratfeful to you. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.

axi
03-01-2012, 12:55 PM
Don't apologize for taking up your space. The bowl is here for exactly this reason. We're here to support each other and help each other recover. You didn't inconvenience anyone by writing here.

Kensington
03-02-2012, 11:36 AM
Floran, your post is just fine. It's ok to have emotions about discussing something that may be difficult for you. You've gotten some good replies and I hope you will come back to this thread. I can close it if you like, but I hope you will think about how that can be a way to shut down your voice. You deserve to be heard.

floran
03-02-2012, 03:10 PM
I'd like to thank everyone who has been so kind as to give support to me in my thread of words. But they are not only words. They are my feelings.

I panicked extremely upon seeing my post in which I'd written about myself. Seeing it 'out there' for anyone who wanted to to read really made me feel terrible about myself. I spiralled down, and ended in floods of tears, wishing I hadn't SAID anything.

DucksQuack - you said I had courage in posting. But all I could feel was mortified about having written about myslef. It was my first post about myself, although I've been a member of SF for a while. I have spent quite some time trying to see answers to my own problems through simply reading other people's posts. But this rather detracts from addressing one's own problems, and doesn't have the ability to help the person out there if nothing is offered.

Receoveryatlast - on reading what you so kindly said to me, all I could feel was guilt that I had touched upon your own life, possibly upsetting you. But now I realised you SHARED. And that is a wonderful thing. Thank you.

axi - thank you for helping me see sense.

I spoke with my Psychiatrist today about all of this today, and he also made me see sense.

Kensington - I don't know what you must have thought about my frantic personal message to you, requesting the deletion of my thread! I apologise. But thinking about it now, I can only laugh at myself. Yet, before I laughed, your words brought tears to my eyes - the type of tears which make you feel that uncanniness of being 'known'. I don't know how you knew to choose the right word which really tapped into me, making me understand. You said that closing my thread would be like shutting down my VOICE. 'Voice' is a very special, meaningful word to me - it is something I highly value, yet feel I don't have, or don't have the right to have.

On SF, I realise we all have the right to a voice, and we all have rights. And we all have the will and choice to try to make life the best we can, and to get well. We have the choice to reach out to others, or not.

Thank you Kensignton, but I have decided to leave my message here, and not have it closed. Thank you for giving me that option, and for helping me see sense. I will leave my words to stand, and I will stand tall alongside them - not shirking in shame at me or my life. I have 'un-embarrassed' myself in what I have written, and will try not to live hating myself of what my life was, or really what it never was - so lacking.

We can all pull together to help one another. And the best way is to not be a spectator, but a participant.

I have been a spectator on SF - reading other people's posts, not reaching out, not really being of any use, and not really adressing my own problems. Similarly, I have been a spectator in life. I have a lot of catching up to do in life....

It will not be easy. But I will try even more harder.

Thank you to you all, dearly

axi
03-02-2012, 04:57 PM
It's not easy, but the more you practice, the easier it is. I was so nervous when I wrote my first post and I, too, had been a spectator for awhile before I had the courage to post.

I hope you keep posting and keep using your voice.

recoveryatlast
03-02-2012, 07:41 PM
I just read a very thoughtful reply you wrote to someone else and you have every right to be here for yourself. You have a lot of insight and you deserve help as much as anyone else. I hope you post more and i was just sharing my own experience, and i'm in a place where sharing doesn't hurt me anymore

sunshinepoppy
03-03-2012, 12:07 AM
I really identify with a lot of what you say. I am forty one also.

I have a much older sister who I realise has chipped away at my confidence all my life, and continues to do so

My older sister did the same sort of thing. It is really good you realized this was going on, instead of just letting the chipping away occur without consciousness. I am curious... do you feel as if you are "too much?" That you don't have the right to space? I can sort of feel you squeezing yourself down. You have the right to space upon birth. Every human has the right to take up space, be it literal or figurative. Don't let anyone tell you differently, whether overtly or covertly. You have the right to a voice and a self.

I am super glad you left this post open.

:gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

BrokenSoul
03-03-2012, 08:53 AM
:hugon Floran :hugoff

Your post touched me and reminded me of myself. Been a fishy for years and when i started out, I used to panic and react and request for my posts/account to be closed because of same reasons. I didn't know or feel like i should use my "voice". That was while back. Yesterday I actually came home proud of myself because I used my voice at work to speak to director about this new supervisor that is making my and other lives miserable. I used my voice. Emotions get to me and i choke up and cant talk when emotional, and yes i cried in front of another coworker, but i was strong enough in end to do what i needed to do. So know that learning to use your voice is a process, a necessary one, in the road to recovery. I am proud of you for starting that process. Keep strong and let yourself be heard. Everyone deserves to have a voice. Don't silence yourself.... God gave it to you for a reason.

floran
03-03-2012, 12:44 PM
recoveryatlast - I'm so glad you feel in a place where sharing doesn't hurt. That must be a very special place - I hope I, and others who struggle like me, get there one day! But I suppose going through the pain to get there is a similar process as BrokenSoul says learning to use your voice is.

BrokenSoul - thank you - and you should feel so proud of yourself. I feel proud of you for what you have been able to achieve

Sunshinepoppy - do I think I'm 'too much'? Do I think I take up too much space? My answer is yes; completely so. That is why I struggle so much to maintain my weight. Sometimes, I cannot believe that I am an actual person - by that I mean that I have the gift of life to live upon this earth alongside others. That seems too much - that I'm undeserving of having that privilege, leading to my own guilt.

It's like some of the words from Keats poem, Ode to a Nightingale: Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget.... Where youth grows pale and spectre-thin, and dies.

Those words have always been with me for as long as I can remember - since I was young and youthful - as they seemed to sum up my feeling of just wanting to disappear, having nothing - no voice, no physical body. I do not quote the above poem as something to strive for, but as a warning.

They are the words of a great Romantic poet. But there is nothing romantic or great in wishing for this for oneself, or feeling that this is what deserves to happen to you. Yet I still struggle, even still; even all these years later.

And there is so much to that fight for my 'rights' to be here, entangled within the dominance of of some of my family members. As my sister so often reminded me, and reminds me, 'I'm not having my younger sister outshine me'; and she has also constantly chastised me if anyone of the opposite sex has ever been intersted in me, especially if they are good, nice men. And even if I casually say someone is a 'nice person' she has scolded me that that man is way out of my league. I think my sister has so long 'had' me as her constant 'pet', but more like an 'object', that she is afraid to lose me. She gets her own self-esteem from being 'needed'. And I suffice that role for her.

Sunshinepoppy, I hope you are more able to cope now with your sister, and know how to deal with those issues. I wish I could learn to do so better for myself. I know my way forward for it is through independence. But I'm working with my Psychiatrist on this, and I'm lucky to have him help me.

I need to grow emotionally, by growing emotional wings, and growing up, and growing away from unhealthiness. But it is not easy.