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sunshinepoppy
02-26-2012, 02:27 PM
I joined a club last year. I have been a regular member, going to every meeting without fail. I was just contemplating things, and realized I attend for one man, I have been returning meeting after meeting because of one man. He is attractive, very charismatic, and he and I have a LOT in common. The very first meeting, I felt attracted to him.

But I am saddled with this huge body. :cry I am very unattractive to myself and I seriously doubt I am attractive to him. In the past I have nurtured futile unrequited love, several times. I don't want to do that again. It is hiding from reality, living in a fantasy world. But what do I do with these feelings? At first, I was able to stave off feelings of attraction and desire by reminding myself of some of his flaws. The better I know, him, though, the more I understand the root of his flaws and it just makes me like him more. :cry

Even worse is that I KNOW I am romanticizing him. Building up this bigger than life image of him in my mind. :cry In my mind he is a bit like my fictional hero from a certain movie, and grows more so as time passes.

Wow, getting this out is a real relief. :cry

But now what? What do I do with these unwanted feelings? Can I make myself stop feeling like this? :cry Is it realistic to even try? :cry

I don't want the other club members to know of my feelings. It is really obvious I like him. But I have stated very firmly to several members I have no interest in dating. Which I AM very not interested in dating. Or at least dating anyone except him. I have been single for six years and want to stay that way. For now.

I talked to my T about this earlier. She advised me to do a couple of things... dwell on his imperfections in my mind, laugh less when I am with him, and make sure to spend as much time with other members of the club as I spend with him. This worked for a while, but it is wearing off. My heart keeps getting softer and softer. :cry

I don't want to feel this way!

:cry :cry :cry

fifteen
02-26-2012, 10:13 PM
Aww, hugs, sunshinepoppy. I understand how if feels to fall for someone when you know it could never work. It hurts and you just wish you could stop wanting the person. I have had a crush on the same guy at my gym for about **** years. But I've gotten to a place where I accept my crush on him and no longer am angry at myself for my feelings. I can't help them. Crushes are normal and they can be fun. There's nothing wrong with dreaming a little bit.

A lot of what has helped me to not think so much about my crush or be sad at the fact that we'll never be together has been opening myself up to dating. So, this of course leads me to ask the question, why aren't you interested in dating.

sunshinepoppy
02-26-2012, 11:07 PM
Thank you :hugon fifteen :hugoff

It's nice to know I am not alone.

I am not open to dating because I don't like my body and don't want to expose myself to anyone on the entire planet. Not as long as I look the way I do. I am trying to accept myself the way I am, but I'm not there yet. I have occasional flashes of slightly positive self acceptance. That's a real step forward for me as I have been consumed by self hatred for so long. I am quite proud of my progress, but I am nowhere near wanting to share my body with someone else.

Additionally, I hate the idea of being rejected due to my body.

Furthermore... who could possibly want me in this body? It seems stupid to try.

Another thing is that I see my single friends chasing dates like crazy and it seems pretty depressing even if you have a normal body. I am especially stuck on this one. My attractive, witty, desirable friends can't get a date. They want a date so badly, they are not getting it, and it is making them very unhappy. They really are working themselves up, and getting nowhere. Why put myself through that? There are disadvantages to being single, and sometimes I miss being in a relationship. But the same can be true being in a relationship.

I have been single for six years. It is the way I am right now, and I don't see that changing.

Regarding this particular guy, even if I had an acceptable body and liked myself enough to want to date... he's a very hypocritical atheist. He objects to Christians proselytizing, yet wants to convert others to his way of thinking. He's quite intolerant. I might be able to handle an inoffensive, mild mannered atheist. But maybe not. I do believe and I find it hard to comprehend someone not believing in SOME kind of god. But he's far from mild mannered. He's quite angry and bitter.

This romanticizing... my movie hero was bitter and a total mercenary, because he had had a terrible experience with a true love. He hid his hurt being a tough guy, but his heart was very gentle and loving and his ethics clean and true. He met the right lady and shed his bitterness and anger, and became an altruist. Yes, exactly, a movie fairy tale and quite unrelated to reality. This guy is the way he is and will probably remain that way. I have learned that I can't love someone's potential, I have to love them here and now, the way they are.

So, anyway... I need to shed this somehow.

axi
02-27-2012, 01:11 AM
Could you skip a couple of meetings, maybe or get into a debate on religion with him? It might help cement your feelings that it wouldn't work out.

I am sorry you're going through this.

sunshinepoppy
02-27-2012, 08:38 AM
Could you skip a couple of meetings, maybe or get into a debate on religion with him?

:muhaha Get into a debate? Hahaha. That is a fun idea! But unfortunately it's not possible. My religion preaches absolute acceptance of every faith or having no faith. It is against my religious principles to debate these things. I love ths idea though!!! :muhaha

I suppose I could skip a couple of meetings. I could. I take the minutes. But they can survive without me. They had no minute taker before I joined, they can do without me. And I could skip the social functions too, I suppose. The idea makes me sad :sad as it is the mainstay of my social life. This group has become very important to me. I was very unhappy, socially, before I joined this group. :sad

HOWEVER I am going to investigate another group. A women's group, no chance of falling in love there. :muhaha Well, I suppose there might be a chance, you can't say "never," but it is highly unlikely as I have never been in love with a woman.

I checked out this women's group specifically as an antidote. If I have other things to think about, other things to keep me busy, I will have less time for this guy, and the group will be less important, socially.

I will think about skipping meetings/social events. The idea makes me very sad though. :sad

axi
02-27-2012, 11:45 PM
Aw, I hope you can find another solution, then.

How about a discussion, then, about his ideas? Not trying to convince him of anything, but exploring them and letting him show you how unbendable he is. That's what I think of debates as: not really trying to convince someone of something, but just asking questions and challenging each other. More mental exercise, I suppose.

pantherr
02-28-2012, 04:45 PM
I hope you don't mind if I talk about this, but it made me really sad to read your post. I'm glad you are working of self-acceptance, but I think you need to continue to actively challenge some of these ideas you have of yourself.

I am not open to dating because I don't like my body and don't want to expose myself to anyone on the entire planet. Not as long as I look the way I do.

So, you are going to wait until your body changes to date. But you're putting your life on hold because of the way you perceive your body - which I totally understand and relate to - but do you really think if you lose x amount of weight, you will see yourself as deserving?

I have occasional flashes of slightly positive self acceptance...but I am nowhere near wanting to share my body with someone else.

That's great!! :gimmehug How can you hold on to those moments of positivity? Can you write them down maybe?

Additionally, I hate the idea of being rejected due to my body.

Ahh, mind-reading/predicting the future. We all hate that idea, no matter what size we are. It was literally incomprehensible to me until pretty recently that my bf (we've been dating for six months) finds my body beautiful. And I still have moments where I reallyyyyy feel uncomfortable in my own skin, but now at least I can believe that other people perceive me differently than I perceive myself.

Furthermore... who could possibly want me in this body? It seems stupid to try.

This one really got to me. But think about the people that you love - do you love them because of/despite their bodies? Is what they look like even a factor at all in why you love them?

If you feel that you don't see your friends as their bodies, why do you think you're an exception?

Another thing is that I see my single friends chasing dates like crazy and it seems pretty depressing even if you have a normal body.

What is a "normal" body? I think the conception of a normal body (aka one we don't have) is rooted in the ED. But if you look around, note the diversity of bodies that really exist. I think lots of people believe that something about them is 'not right' or that it could/should be transformed. It's an interesting idea...do we should consider the normal body as being a relative average of everybody, and our abnormality is our deviation from that average? But that's silly to me, because the 'relative average' doesn't actually exist in any one person! Just something to ponder, I guess.

In any case, give yourself lots of credit for the work you're doing. :cute As for this guy, if you don't feel ready then you're not ready - but that's different than convincing yourself that you're not worthy. I hope you can challenge the latter.

sunshinepoppy
02-28-2012, 05:35 PM
:hugon pantherr :hugoff

Wow, I really appreciate your reply. You're right. I know you're right. A lot of this stuff is rooted in dysfunctional thought and perception. However, some is indeed rooted in reality. My best friend is a guy. We were talking about his pursuit of the fair sex. He is super-nonjudgmental, a person of depth, not superficial at all. But he has what he calls a "lizard brain." Meaning the deep part of the brain that controls food/sex/safety impulses, impulses beyond our control. And this lizard brain dictates to him what physical attributes he finds attractive or unattractive in a sexual way. It's nothing he has control over. He does not choose. It is the way it is. And I think everyone has this. If we didn't all have it, we could make very rational choices about partners without fuss. The fact of the matter is that the lizard brain of the average man does not find a woman my size and shape attractive in a primal sexual way. Some men do, it is true. It is not a complete wasteland with no hope... but it is not just a mental hang-up of my own.

I don't think that if I lose X amount of weight I will be any more deserving of a fulfilling relationship than I am now. (Rationally.) But I do think I will find myself more sexually attractive at that point. I have recently made some great strides forward about deserving to look nice... new, flattering clothes, makeup, new hair styles, etc. I feel really good about this, even if it is a bit new and strange. I have also made big strides forward in thinking it is possible for people to see beyond my body and develop friendships with me. Thinking that I deserve friendship even if I don't like my body or think it is perfect. So I am chipping away at this.

But yes, despite all my protests, you're on the spot with dysfunctional feelings and thoughts. I will address these things in time.

Thank you for your response. It has given me a lot to think about.

:hugon axi :hugoff

I don't know if I would be able to probe his beliefs and ideas. I could try, if it feels right. But I think something very helpful would be to look at his facebook pages, which are full of intolerant cartoons and quotes. Really offensive stuff, especially as it violate the cornerstone of all my religious beliefs.

I will persevere. And I think this women's group might be really good as an antidote.