PDA

View Full Version : I feel so alone and hurt


fifteen
02-22-2012, 11:07 PM
I am so sorry for posting but I really don't know how else to deal. I feel so hurt by people who I thought cared about me. Now I question if anyone actually gives a damn about me. I feel worthless and very alone.

A while ago I wrote about how the man I was seeing went MIA on me. He ended up apologizing and explained he had needed space because he was really hurt about how we didn't have a "normal" committed relationship. I really regret that night that I talked to him because rather than thoroughly resolve our issues we had sex instead and then talked about other things like we always do. I thought at the time that meant he was back with me. I was wrong because he never called after that although he promised he would. I didn't call him because I needed him to make the effort this time. Many weeks went by and I finally reached out to him because I just felt there were things we should talk about and there were things I wanted to understand. He ignored me and never responded. I now question whether he ever cared about me at all. I feel so worthless and so angry at him. And I guess in my mind I'm a little disappointed. I wanted the man who had become my best friend back because I was feeling very friendless and going through some major stuff and more than anything I truly had feelings for him that had not faded yet.

The reason I was feeling friendless was because my best friend of over ten yrs had been ignoring my calls. We also made plans to hangout and she blew me off. I am pretty sure she's going through something and is not upset with me. This is why I texted her the other night that I was worried and I was there if she needed me. But even if she is going through something is it that hard just to call me back or text and tell me you need space. I truly don't think so. I would never in a million yrs treat her this way. She knows how much it hurts me when people ignore me.

I do know that I can be alone and be okay in life but lately I am desperate for friends because I feel like I really really need support. It gets overwhelming for me to have a mother who constantly resists treatment for her illness and puts herself in jeopardy of dying. So far she has managed to stay alive but the other week things got extra bad when she again refused to listen to the drís recommendation and it's now a fifty fifty shot at whether she'll be here in a few weeks. I finally had enough. On Sunday I told her I couldn't help take care of her anymore because it was killing me. And it was...my depression and eating disorder were both in bad places. I was hurting myself in trying to cope with what I felt was watching my mother slowly kill herself. After years of giving everything I had to try to save her I finally walked away the other day and I got myself back with a therapist and with a dietitian. They seem like they;re really going to help me but they're not friends. They can't be there for me and give me a hug on those days that this stuff just crushes me. I so badly want my dad but seeing him means having to be triggered by my mother.

Anyway I have not a friend to comfort me during this time. And it's really lonely and painful dealing with this situation along with other stuff which I just don't have the energy to get into all by myself. If I care about someone I make sure they know that and donít ignore them. Why am I not good enough to get a call back from **** people who I thought were friends? I was always there for them. I try to see the other side...the sorta ex is maybe just trying to move on and my best friend is trying to deal with her own issues. But really this does not one thing to assuage my pain and anger. I now have it in my mind that I am not good enough to be cared about and that these people never really cared about that much. All I want to do is track down my friend make sure she's okay and then tell her how much she hurt me and how I no longer know if I can have her as a friend. I also want to go bang on my sorta ex's door and call him a coward and an asshole to his face. I don't know how I will stop myself from doing so next time I'm near his place(I have a friend I see every once in a while that lives in the apt across the hall from him.)

Thank you for reading. Any advice and perspective is appreciated. I ask that you be gentle though because I am feeling quite vulnerable. I have so much anger right now and canít seem to let go of it. Nor can I seem to get passed this very deep sadness I feel.

ducksquack
02-23-2012, 07:14 AM
You have a lot of very difficult things to deal with
and I am so sorry to hear that.

It must be brutal to watch your Mom slowly kill herself
but you did the right thing in walking away as it doesnt
help if you destroy yourself trying to help her. It isnt
selfish to take care of yourself it is healthy. Is it possible
to meet your Dad for coffee without your Mom being there?

Your friend is maybe going thru some horrible things and
simply doesnt have the ability to even reply to you and
it sounds like as awful as that is for you it may just be how
she is.

Perhaps your ex simply isnt the person you thought they
were or they dont know how to be honest and open.

Loss of people in our lives is a terrible feeling that has been
painful for me and I hope you can get some answers from
these people and that you can take care of yourself for now.

god bless.

pantherr
02-23-2012, 10:52 AM
Hi fifteen,

I can't imagine what it's been like for you having to take care of your mom, when it sounds like she doesn't want to take care of herself. Furthermore, I can't imagine how hard it was for you to prioritize your own health (if you're anything like me, you want to save everyone before you save you). But I think that you did the right thing, no question about it. It's different because it's your mom, but recovery from the ED and depression has to be your first priority right now or else you may never get to live the life you want and deserve. I'm proud of you for making these steps towards recovery. :gimmehug

Is there any way you can contact your dad and have him meet you for a walk or coffee or lunch or something? So that you guys can spend some time together out of the context of your mom/house?

As for the guy...I want to punch this guy for you. What an ass. I know it hurts...actually I think it's very healthy that you are in touch with your anger. Because you definitely have a right to be angry with him.

Your friend - good rationale that she probably is going through her own shit right now, but I also agree that ignoring you is just plain rude, regardless. She should at least let you know that she's ok so you stop worrying (you're a good friend for being concerned!). And again, letting yourself feel angry is more than okay. When you finally do reach her, I think it'd be good for you to have a talk about this.

I know what you mean about the importance of having friends' support. Loneliness is the worst trigger for me. Again I'd encourage you to reach out to your dad...and maybe in the meantime just try to be around people when you can. For me - I study at the library/coffee shops instead of alone at my apartment, because just being around other people really does make a difference.

I hope your friend reaches out to you soon. :gimmehug Hugs from the :bowl

fifteen
02-24-2012, 08:15 PM
Thanks for the support guys.

I just feel like a big loser right now. My life just isnt what I expected it to be. And everytime I think things are going my way the rug gets pulled out from underneath me. I feel like I can no longer have faith in people or put trust in them. The second I think someone is there for me they let me down.

Anway I went home to be with my dad yesterday because I've been very very sick and needed some help taking care of myself. I'm still at home unfortunately which means I'm being triggered by mother. So far I've failed at following my mp and feel like I just really suck. I shouldn't have bothered coming home because my dad is just too busy with my mom to really be there for me. Wow, even when I am with my dad I am alone.