View Full Version : Relationship issue

02-21-2012, 08:52 PM
Sorry this is long....

I'm almost afraid to post this, to have this out there. I love dearly the man I am with. And I don't want to loose that but I'm not sure why I'm hurt and feeling a little distant.

Been dating seven months or so. Different ethnic/reglious/culture background. We are much older in age (me thirty six and he fourty three) so because of that and other factors, our feelings for each other grew very quickly and very intensely. I have NO doubt in my mind that he loves me. he saved my soul and spirit and helped me to live again, to believe in myself. He accepted me, respected me, cared for me, understood me, appreciated me, challenged me, and much more. he's always wanted the best for me, to make me strong and independent and confident in every way. I can't express in words how much i love him and I know he feels the same way. He cried over a valentine's day card that I gave him. He feels for whatever reasons he doesn't deserve me...i don't understand that. I don't deserve him is what i feel. He is super good looking, me very average and not great body type etc. I have insecurities. He doesn't like to hear me criticize me for he loves me for me as a person and not my looks (though he is atracted in me that way totally and says every time I criticize me, then I not appreciative of what God has given me). I can't say enough how much I love him. I know I would do everything for him and he for me. There's been no questions. I feel his past is that he has been hurt, betrayed etc by women. I have had my own trust issues. He is the first and only guy I've gone full way sexually. I always thought because of my upbringing that i would wait till marriage, but life has been full of pain and never went the way I wanted. I don't regret having done that. It was my choice, not forced in any way unlike other men in past who tried.

Now.. (may be graphic)
Due to this and that reasons, health, crazy schedules, tiredness, etc, our sex life has been down quite a bit. Over the seven months, I feel there's been a lot of new experiences/feelings etc in that department that I wasn't prepared for and I almost went over the top if u know what i mean. However there is a part of me that needs to control and when those same experiences are repeated, i react differently, more in control, and don't allow myself to go ove the top almost. It doesn't feel as exciting if that makes sense. Cause first time, I don't know what to expect, but second round I do...if that makes sense. Ok having said that. A guy is a guy. he will do anything to please me. but as he learned how to love me, be vulnerable, and allow his needs to come into the picture, he wanted things from me too. As most guys, he loves oral on him and wants to finish it off too that way and well spit out etc from my end. That is something I have always had a rough time getting my mind around. Even having oral done on me took some getting used to and in my head it's still "eewww...how would you want that". So the two or so times I did that for him....first time, didn't know what to expect much...diddn't freak out totally. Second time, afterwards went to bathroom and almost gagged. Then I didn't want to do that anymore. There was one time I started and couldn't after that and well it was not a comfortable situation. I know as a guy turned on, it's got to be very difficult when gal cant' finish what she started. So after that incident, it was weird, but he ended up telling me i don't have to do anything i don't want to. That was bit back. Now over time, our sex life is really down. I know he misses the oral though he doesn't say it out, little comments here and there tell me he does. This weekend I was having my periods, but again..i know he needs some action...So i tried to give him oral..and well I can't finish it off. I guess smell, the idea of it ending in my mouth, etc. So I stopped and apologized etc and would finish with hand job but he was hurt. I felt guilty cause I love him dearly and want to do everything for him, but this is one thing that for whatever reason, I'm not able to get over.

Our talk...
We talked about this. I tried SO hard not to shut down and am still trying in a way. He was struggling not to shut down as well. For him, he thinks our love/relationship is such that we would do anything for each other, that we overcome whatever for each other. And I thought so too for our relationship...but this is an area that I can't seem to. He feels that I'm focusing on me when it comes to pleasing him and how it feels to me and forget what it does for him (not just sexually but for our relationship of trust and committment) and in that sense I'm being selfish. That even if something is not right for him, he does it becaus he loves me and focuses on that. I told him to have patience as this is something that will take time for me, i want to get there. He says it's a mental block that i need to choose to overcome in that moment and not "try" because once a person says they will try, it leaves room for "giving up". he is a trainer/instructor and has always used that approach to overcome whatever fears he has had and teaches others that. So he feels I'm being selfish in some ways. I do see it from his point of view. He may feel I don't trust him or love him hundred percent to overcome this for his sake as he would for me. And for a guy it is difficult to be at that point especially if you want hundred percent committment from someone you love dearly.... I don't know why I continue to hurt. I tried to pretend I understood and i do to an extent, but it still hurts me in some way and part of me is shutting down. I don't think I'm selfish. I have some fears and phobias and what not in the sex department for various reasons. I don't think I'm normal in it :( I would do anything for this man, anything, but i don't get why I can't move past this. So it hurts me to be told I'm being selfish in this. He seems to think we talked and it's all ok, but still...... it's on my mind and it still hurts. He doesnt believe we can give up, we have to work through our issues...but he does think it's a bad sign for me if I allow my fears and phobias to get in the middle of our relationship by my mind being consumed by them (i have a few but I don't let them get in the way of relationships I think). I know he doesn't want me to be controlled by my insecurities and fears, as he always challenges me to overcome them.

I can't talk to him about it yet as I want to do it face to face. He is not feeling well and due to past health fears with his heart, I'm not going to bring this up on the phone or until he's well enough. He needs to be better healthwise and not crabby too. I worry about loosing him over this..not that he would drop me for not giving him oral. It's not about that for him but about putting the other person first like he feels he puts me and me not letting my insecurities get in the way...

I don't know what i'm looking for. I need to put this out there though i'm afraid everyone will tell me to drop him or something or how wrong he is. I love him so much and this is the only issue that has come up for us as otherwise he is an amazing guy..........

02-21-2012, 09:18 PM
Hi fellow :fishy,

Girrrrl I'm about to get a little intimate/graphic here so I hope that's ok lol He sounds like a good guy and I'm glad you love each other so much. :lubdub

:redflag For anyone who doesn't like talking/reading about sex, then don't read on.

As far as oral...the first time my bf went down on me it was very difficult for me to believe that it was something he wanted to do, that he actually liked to do, and that turning me on turns him on. So that made it difficult to enjoy until I just let go of my insecurities - easier said than done, sometimes they still creep back when we're fooling around, but I push them to the side. I really believe this: I don't have to necessarily love my body right now, but I can accept that he sincerely does love my body. Whenever I feel self-conscious, I just remind myself that he does think I'm sexy, beautiful, curvy, pretty, fit, etc.

As far as working on fears/phobias..I think that is a perfectly legitimate reason not to want to...finish off that way. I don't like it, either. So I don't do it. I mean, I am totally fine with oral as foreplay and going down there before we actually have sex, but there is something less intimate about it to me. I like turning him on, but there something submissive about it to me. Luckily my bf is very understanding and we reached the compromise that foreplay = good but I'm not about to let all of that end product get in my mouth. Just no thank you. That is not sexy to me, personally.

Note: I do not by any means want to offend anyone. I applaud the ladies who do it. Maybe one day I will work up the courage, but for now...we are both fine with our sex life and with just leaving that little detail out.

So how can you overcome this without feeling resentful or pressured into doing something you're not comfortable with YET, while at the same time having a healthy, mutually-satisfying sex life?

He should respect your compromise that you want to do it for him, but that you're not quite ready. Bottom line - you shouldn't do things that make you uncomfortable because you feel pressured. I understand where he's coming from, but the whole 'try means lie' thing is bull in my opinion. You are actively working on overcoming some things right now. You can break down barriers in the future - but for now, you need to do what makes you feel safe. :ohboy

In the meantime, are there other things you can try that you haven't done before to spice things up? :sly New positions? Taking a bath together maybe? What about buying some lingerie? Role-play? I mean, there are lots of other ways to have a really amazing sex life. Not being comfortable giving a bj until YOU are ready should not be an end-all kind of thing.

Hm..I hope that helps a little bit. The role sex plays in a relationship is funny. It can be (and has been for me) so many different things - scary, awkward, embarrassing, intimate, loving, passionate, playful, funny, romantic, rough, gentle...but remember it's supposed to be pleasurable for both of you. :love

02-21-2012, 11:01 PM

I hated oral with the first person I performed it on. I forgot that until I read this. Funny, because I love giving oral (yet, I don't love receiving it as much!). I love knowing how powerful and desirable it makes me, a man is putty in my fingers (or in my mouth I should say) and I enjoy knowing it feels better than anything I can do for him. When I do that, I can focus soley on his pleasure whereas sex itself is for me too, and oral on him is me giving one hundred percent. I close my throat and focus instead on sucking and even though I do swallow, I think of it like a bad shot and don't taste it. I actually get very turned on and because I enjoy it, my bf (and all previous bfs) have fallen over backwards to please me.

I think he has high expectations considering you are new to this. If my bf isn't clean or eats something unsavory, it doesn't taste good. And while I have more experience to draw from, yours is limited to a few not so great moments, which I promise you can get over, but it will take more experience.

I challenge you only so much as..imagine you asking him to do something very important to you that will bring you closer (in your mind, because that's what oral means to him) and him not considering it.

02-22-2012, 12:47 AM
Ouch. It sounds like he is not a big believer in mental issues, which could cause some issues down the road if he thinks an ED or depression etc can be just overcome by willpower. That's not the way it works.

Have you told him that it is not simply an aversion to the taste or feeling, that there are other issues at play and if he pushes you on this, it will hurt you and possibly make it so that you can never do this for him. You seem to be feeling very guilty about this and not seeing that by pushing you to do this when you are not ready, he is being selfish as well.

He needs to have patience while you work through this. It is not something that can be hurried.

02-22-2012, 01:49 AM
All of us are selfish in some ways. I think sex is one place where taking care of yourself and not forcing yourself to do anything you really can't tolerate is important. If it were a matter of you just not liking bj's too much, maybe it would be selfish. But this is something that makes you want to vomit. Is he aware of this, that it makes you gag? That you have a physical reaction? A reaction that goes beyond the simple physical mechanics of the gag reflex being triggered? I gag sometimes, but it is not from aversion, just from having something poke the back of my throat. Maybe he does not understand the distinction?

03-12-2012, 07:15 PM
Thank you all for your responses and thoughts. I apologize for not responding earlier as this was causing a lot of pain, conflict in my relationship, and I just wasn't sure what to say to anyone. I guess I needed to process this in my mind, in my relationship, in therapy, etc.

So it got worse before better. It led to some more fighting and me almost leaving this relationship for feeling backed and not heard. I told him i wanted to run away and so then came out other issues in the relationship......me being negative and critical of myself, my really crappy side, and the fact that i wanted to walk out of the relationship hurt his feelings deeply. We've since talked about things and I feel much better. I told him that although he is type that can do everything for me..I am different in that compromising works only as long as I don't ask someone else to be uncomfortable to the point it affects the core of who the person is. To me I suppose there is a limit in what you can ask of another and I would not want him to feel so uncomfortable to please me. He listened to me this time and didn't make me feel otherwise. We had to work through my making the statement I wanted to quit on this relationship. I did hurt him with that... :(

So overall, things are much better and I feel more happier. Not shutting down anymore and can go back to enjoying my relationship with him and moving forward.

Thank you all very much...