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CamillaSecret
02-21-2012, 03:37 PM
Hello all,

These past **** weeks I have been going through severe depression. I will summarize what has been going on.

I know this guy since I was eight yearsold and have known eachother AND BEEN IN CONTACT FOR TWENTY YEARS. We have started talking on a regular daily basis daily basis since ****.**** yrs. Him and his longterm girlfriend broke up a over a tear ago. We tell eachother personal things, we talk on an internet site for hours in that day and night, at times we would flirt sexually. We texted eachother. Most times he would initiate the messages and texts. I seen him twice within last year. He wanted to see me and i found excuses because I felt like I need to lose weight for him to like me. I said to myself I will see him and lose this much weight.

Based on what I have been telling myfriends signs and facts, they thought he was interested in me more than friends. Starting last october, he started to hang out with this other younger girl. I found this out in last novemeber. He said that he has someone coming over right now and she has always been coming over. He said that "I think we are just friends" but guys say it means more when its late at night. I asked it depends if you like her company or you are interested. HE SAID YAH I ACTUALLY AM. That was when I went depressed and count bear thought losing him. SO THEN THIS IS WHEN I DECIDED TO DO THINGS WITH HIM REGARDLESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY WEIGHT BEFORE I LOSE MY CHANCE.

Since then I meet with him twice at school in november. He found excuses to not see me because of school and of his illnesses but i understood that.

Events in person during christmas holidays.
Meet with me to see a movie with friend and I.

We then next saw eachother and seen a movie. He came over past midnight after the movie. This is what happened:
We were sitting across from eachother on couches. He then said i have a soft voice and you cant hear me so i am going to move over and sit next to you. He hinted to watch horror movies. He then said so your mom is not home and your dad is sleeping. he then asked me to massage his back. He wanted to massage mine but i said no b.c. I didnt want him to touch my fat (insecure of my body). He sits next to me touching my body. He asked if he was in my personal space i said no. HE THEN PLACED HIS HAND ON MY KNEE AND WAS RUBBING IT FOR **** HOUR. He took his hand away and then then started to tickle my knee. I DIDNT ADVANCE IT AND FELT FROZEN BECAUSE I WAS INSECURE ABOUT MY WEIGHT AND HAD ANXIETY FROM MY PAST RAPE. He then left.
After he left i texted him saying that sorry if i seemed distant tonight. I was feeling perplexed from the movie we last last week (rape scene but didnt write that). I had a good time and hope to see u again. he responded with :p.

A week later I saw him again. The plan was to watch movies and he will bring some over. He sat in the spot he sat last night. I sat next to him as last time. It was a **** hour movie. HE Didnt touch me. Right when the movie was over he said he had to wake up early. I was really sad because he didnt stay that late like last time and i didnt make a move and he didnt either.

I asked him agaim to come over after work. His excuse was i will smell like popcorn. He then said i find it odd that you want to hang out with me and you seem unconfertable with me there. I said I do trust you and i find it weird that i seem that way. I would be happy to tell you but it has to be in person. He said i will have to check my schedule and get back to me. He never did. The next night after his work. He then as me past midnight if i wanted to come over and that he will pick me up. I said i was i am ready for bed and i didnt want him to wait and pick me up half an hour.

A few days later. my girlfriends and i invited him out he said no but i understand b.c. of his family dinner. Since then we still talked on this site and text. When he told me that the same girl from school is going over to do homework with him. I got depressed and scared of losing my chance. So the next day i asked him to meet with me b.c. i needed to talk to him. He said sorry he cant b.c. school and that his schedule is messed up but he is olways on that internet site at night. We meet on site.

I told him:
I do like you and i have for a long time. he said he knew i did b.c. i told alot of ppl and threw my mannerisms and such. I told him that i put walls up b.c. of my past and my perfections...that fact that when i dont meet my expectations i put walls up and get nervous.
He said that was why i have been prying on you for years and i tried to see if there was a connection such as movies, etc.

He then went to bed and just said that was coragous of u telling me this. and that he could continue this on the next day. The next day he massaged me again. he told me:
I think we are in different placed. I am not saying my feelings won't change. It's just that I need someone who is just as out there as I am, by that I mean the silliness, ackward sense of humour, and the like.....and I am not feeling it.

I said that is fair, but in reality to get to know someone better you need to see them more often in person.
he said yeah. I then asked by curiousity, why do you talk to me? He said it's because you are good to talk to and i can have intelligent conversations with you. He then said I dont want you to be waiting for me "to come around" because I dont want you to miss out on that perfect guy for you.

I felt so hurt. I had a nervous breakdown. CRYING ON THE PHONE WITH MY FRIEND. I felt used emotionally with the amoutn of time i have spent with him talking about his problems giving support and such. From the signs i thought he was interested and when i act foreward with it it will eventually happen.

First time i told someone my feelings and it backfired on me. I trusted him and i no longer dont.

The next day, he messaged me hi how r u i said i'm busy. Since then he has not messaged me.

So my friends told me to no talk to him. Get him to miss me. I have not talked him for **** weeks. The longest we have not talked was less than a week. I went crazy because i was going through that withdrawl of not talking to him.
Exactly **** weeks he messaged me on the site.


We talked **** times this week on that site for several hours. He initiated all. I last talked to him saturday night.
He is on the site now for the past two hours and HAS NOT MESSAGED ME. I want to cry.

I had the hope that if i show my sillininess and ackward humour (which i do have but he didnt see it in person) then he would feel more connected with me. and the fact that he said it doesnt mean his feelings wont change.

I am trying to be his friend right now but i still get worried with him being with other girls.
I cannot lose him. i have strong feelings for him. Even though we talked for ****.**** yrs daily basis, seeing eachother few times doesnt cut it. I saw him three times over the holidays outside of school and they all consisted of movies. You cant talk and get connected when watching a movie! My friends feel like i have not been given a real chance. THEY ALSO LOST SOME RESPECT FOR HIM. EVERYTHING WAS MISLEADING.

Right now I feel unwanted and not loved. He hasnt message me even though he has messaged me everyother time i was on this week. This rarely happens.

This is spring break and he has not asked to hang out. And the fact that he is working in a different city for the summer for four months....that means i wont see him again in person!

Right now, I am trying to see him as a friend but it's really hard All i want his for him to see me more often to get to know me. It makes it hard b.c. i told him we didnt feel connected b.c. i put walls up when i'm nervous. And still he hasnt.

The night when i found out his feelings werent mutual....I also took alot of pills.

Please help.

axi
02-21-2012, 07:10 PM
I am really worried that you took a bunch of pills over this. I don't think you are in a good place in recovery to have a relationship if your moods are that unstable.

I also don't think he was misleading you. He seemed very interested up until the two of you hung out and he was initiating touch with you and you backed off. He said he wanted someone more out there and that is a valid feeling. It does not mean you did anything wrong, just that the two of you are not well matched. You need someone who can go more slowly and let you warm up and he wants someone who is already open.

You can lose him and be fine. Romantic things don't always work out. You will be fine. Focus on yourself and recovery.

sflathinker
02-21-2012, 07:21 PM
I am going to be blunt. He didn't do anything 'wrong' except he hurt you, which is painful when you aren't strong enough to deal with it. Taking pills for any reason is not ok and the truth is, he DOES care about you, but not in the way you want or need and he's being kind about it. He didn't use you or lie to you. He saw that you need something he cannot give you so he has told you that he is not the man for you. Nothing you can do will change this.

I consider myself a woman with special needs. When I was younger I found myself hurt by men and rejected due to the fact I liked men who didn't like me back. As I got to know myself more (and developed thicker skin in regards to dating) I realized that because of my 'special needs' I needed to stop liking certain guys and focus more on liking guys who were capable of meeting my special needs.

Work on loving yourself and believing in you.

pantherr
02-21-2012, 07:48 PM
First of all, I also want to express concern about the pills. This is a universal experience - not to invalidate what you're feeling by any means - but unrequited love is something everybody (unfortunately) has to go through. It's painful. But that pain is transient, and certainly not worth harming yourself over. If you still feel like hurting yourself or if you feel suicidal, please go to the hospital. I've had to go to the ER before for depression and I sat there and cried for hours and listened to two doctors tell me it was going to be okay. By the time I left I still felt anxious and sad, but I didn't feel hopeless anymore. Hugs to you - I do know what that hopelessness is like and it's awful :gimmehug

Now...I have to say that I agree with the two :fishy before me. I have put myself out there a couple times and been hurt a couple times so I can definitely empathize. Rejection sucks hardcore. But his feelings are no less valid than yours are. This is a difficult learning experience - as you are understanding yourself and recovering you are not only trying to figure out who you are, but what kind of person you want to be with. If you have or don't have a particular sense of humor, then find someone who appreciates and loves that, not one who wants you to change (or even who you want to change for). He's just not the guy. And even though you think he is (that's why you like him after all!), when you look back on this you'll see...he just isn't. The Guy exists. He will appreciate your sense of humor (awkward, goofy, subtle or sarcastic) exactly as it is. He will respect your boundaries and fears.

That said, I also don't think he mislead you. He probably was/is attracted to you, which is why he tried to make a move, but at least he respected you enough to give you an honest answer instead of leading you on.

Now, as his friend, you are ignoring him the same way he's ignoring you. If you want to be friends, then someone has to be the bigger person. If being friends is too painful for you, then what can you do in the meantime to help yourself move on?

PS Either way, you will be ok. :ohboy

Aneres
02-25-2012, 10:52 PM
Hi Camilla, i have been gone through almost same thing with a guy... well.. he is my colleague..
we talk lots. and we share lots.. particularly is at that time where he is found stressed in his job, i was the one who spend time to listen to him..
after some time, i have a feeling to him... It was him who initiate this feeling... He ask me out and say he like me.. but eventually we didnt manage to date out due to he wan to see scary movie and i dont want..
All the colleague thought we are dating cos he alway in conversation with me and we are quite close..
He alway and keep on repeatedly say how he like me and how he is impress with me.. this make me to felt toward him even more and more..
i waited and waited for the day he ask me out again.. but he never....
i was so confusing and left depressing.. but yet my heart still long for him. hoping he will initiate the move soon...
then his job problem is slowly dismissed, and he is less finding me to talk about his problem...
I guess he is emotionally used me up for his stressed problem..

i cant wait anymore and i planned to initiated the move since he not making any move yet but at the end i didnt due to i feel that he is starting to withdrawal from me.. (YES, he no more having problem in his job, thus he no more needing my ears for him)

whenenver i am on msn, he is the one who initatiated all the conversation... but once his job problem is dismissed, he never say hi in MSN anymore..


this is really not fair.. i fall into a deep confusing, mix up and depressing.. and i gain weight...

when i wake up from this nightmare, it took me quite a number of months for that...
i feel that it not worth for me to having all this pain for this worthless guy...
and in fact, i can feel that he is not very true to me all the times...
He is using me up.. but covering most facts to himself...

when i wake up, i told myself, how could i fall to such guy in the previous..
all because the attention he giving me.. all the complimment which he alway say he like me and he is impressed of my personality every day in office during lunch hours and off working hours.

i am angry when i wake up... how could he treat me this way... he is not a sincere friend to me..
so i also withdraw with him.. i no talk to him..
and he try to coming closer again.. this time i withdraw completely and i dont want to have anything to do with him anymore... he trying with that tender look in his eyes again but this time, i not going to fall inside the trap anymore...

it save me from plunging into more deep depressing and ED.. He not worth it.. If he is sincere , he will face to face to ask why i withdrawal from him.. But he never.. he also never concern of my days or my job.. this is so called FRIEND..


Camilla, i understand that you are confusing and depress now.. i hope my story will wake up u..
Not all the guys is jerk.. but u need to listen to your little voice to judge this guy yourself...

a good guy will not make u feel uncomfortable ..
if he is sincere guy, u definitely will feel it from bottom of your heart..
a good guy will show appreciation...
if your heart is feeling something wrong bout this guy but your love feeling is trying to cover this fact from you... pls do listen to your own voice..

a guy who sincerely love you, will move slowly and go with your flow for your comfortability..

wake up.. it not worth to take pill to destroy your body for such guy.. Love your body SINCERELY also :)

we have a very big responsibility to take good care of our body because if we dont, then no body will :)
good luck to you..

cuddy
02-27-2012, 05:08 AM
let him go.... if he wants you he will come to you. You sound young and will have many more experiences/relationships. I'd just be up front tell him what you want from him and see what he responds with....If he doesn't feel the same atleast you know and can move on. No man is worth hurting yourself over.
Maybe set up a plan to work on yourself too. Sit down and think of all the things you want to change in your life. Make some weekly targets of little goals you want to acheive ex. getting a gym membership,focus on eating well, see a therapist to work on some of your issues. Maybe all of these things will bring you to a happier place. Get out and spend some time with friends and don't just sit home waiting for this guy.
I hope you feel better and maybe take aadvantage of your friends and talk to them. Talking always makes us feel better when something caotic is going on in our lives.

BeStillAndKnow
02-27-2012, 03:14 PM
Im going to be blunt as well. :ummm

If you don't agree with your family trying to set you up with him then why do you still want him. As said earlier "He Did Nothing Wrong" you allowed this by continually allowing him to allow this to go on so long. How old when you were first interested in each other?

Also can I ask if he has "ever"mentioned marriage or a long term relationship before this?

Can I ask what belief sysmtem you are practicing? This might help understand some of the communications you are having with him.

And before I close, I have also lost someone to I was in a cloe relationship with. We were together for *** years and then engaged for *** years. I finally, and I say finally let him go. I had an extreme major break down and lost my job etc. Couldnt focus for anything. But, with work with my therapist and still working on things with her Im able to not let him control me when hes prob not even thinking of me.
I realized that way into working with my therapist on this.
I mean we had the engagement ring, looking for houses and planning a wedding, all of it.

I tell you this to LET HIM GO. I got so far into this relationship and a few yearls later Im better and sstill going through the motions some times but Im making it. So if I can face this you can get through a sour relationship that isn't going any where. I agree you are not a good match. Your friends are right.

As for depression since I got so far in the relationship it was the third time I had hit rock bottom. And recently after my second time In patient which I was in for a year. I thought I was going to have to go back. I was in total relapse. Self harm, over dosing, bulimia were in full force. Not sure how long but I got back to where I could function. And it is hard bc our birthdays are in March a week apart.

I guess thats it. But its ultimately up to you and how far you let this relationship go when its not moving forward at all.

I hope to see your thoughts soon on this post. And I hope I wasn't too forward but people can get through relationships. I thought I was literally going to die. But Im stronger for moving and getting on with my life. This relationship will help you build healthy characteristics that you want in future relationships.

I wrote the above out of love. Dont let him control you when you probably arent in his head.
I did over dose a lot, please let him go. And as far as internet relationships I would let that communication go as well.

:ear
Leslie

CamillaSecret
03-02-2012, 02:20 AM
So my friend asked him whats up with hium because you know girls talk and you are the most confusing guy I know. She thought it was enough and found it odd that even though he is not feeling it with me, he acted like he is interested.

He said:
I actually told her that I was not feeling it, and that is not really true.
He said that the way we talk sometimes freaks him out, and that he can see us getting really serious really fast.
Before he starts a new relationship, he wants to make sure he is completely over his past girlfirend.

He lied to me because he thought it would be better for me to move on and find someone better than me(own security) , and that he didnt want to make me choose.

He thought about getting serious with me but we will be gone all summer.
She then said she is DOWN with FRIENDS WITH BENIFITS for now and is in no rush for a relationship.
He said he tried to make a move on me before, but he didnt think so.
and she said it's because he left too early.
Then he said she needs to comer over here then.
And asked what my plan would be? but she never told him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? HOW FAR I WILL GO WITH HIM?




I am really confused. I am not suppose to know this so I have to act as if what he told me.

Ever since he talked to my friend, he has asked me to come over to watch a movie. i SAID MAYBE. He then asks again if i'm coming over this weekend. I said maybe but next weekend is better for sure. He said sure whatever is best and i will just work around my school schedule. And now he says if it's rough at home, i can always come over.

I am confused. why this change mind. before he was always busy with excused with school and sees me sometimes. and now he is available.

***I am scared when I go over there, what if he is expecting something like sex. And if I don;t give in as far he wants, is he still interested in hanging out with me.
We are friends for eighteen years and close friends for ten years.
If I'm confertable, I am opened to massaging his back, a kiss, and maybe a make out session.

Woudl friends with benifits prevenbt him in wanting to be in a relationship with me.

sflathinker
03-02-2012, 07:53 AM
Yes. Friends with benefits will prevent him from wanting a relationship with you. Why would I pay for a meal when the meal is free?

axi
03-02-2012, 02:30 PM
He has already said that he doesn't want a relationship. If you want one, then I don't think that getting into a friends with benefits situation would do anything but set you up for hurt. Also, you should be clear on what the physical boundaries are. Friends with Benefits for most people means sex, so he may be confused as to what you want.