View Full Version : Sort of embarrassing question..

02-21-2012, 03:11 AM
Hey fishies,

I find this a little embarrassing but I feel I need to share to see if anyone can relate or give me any advice etc. Um so me and my boyfriend are great - we've been together two years and going strong. However, when it comes to the bedroom, the past couple of months I've had an issue. I love 'pleasuring' him and have no problem with stripping down to some sexy underwear or going topless etc but when it comes to the other way round I bat his hand away or firmly tell him 'no'. A lot of the time, he thinks we're going to have sex and then I just literally take over and don't let it get to that stage and instead make it all about him. I just don't understand why I'm feeling like this. Because if it was body image, surely I wouldn't be able to strip off and feel comfortable... He said that he read somewhere that this can be a normal part of recovery because I'm accepting to gain weight etc but I just don't know. I know it's nothing to do with me not being attracted to him or anything like that - I love him more than anything and think it's the hottest guy alive! Hence, why I wish I could figure this out...

Liv Kaymak
02-21-2012, 05:33 AM
Bethanymay, I am sorry to hear that does sound really frustrating! Please don't feel embarrassed by asking.

It sounds like maybe there are some more deeper rooted issues at play that go beneath your sexuality, but that are effecting your sex life. Maybe some questions to ask yourself:

Can you identify the feelings that you are feeling when your boyfriend tries to pleasure you?
Do you feel guilty or ashamed accepting and enjoying sexual pleasure?
If so, why do you think these feelings of guilt and shame? Where is is it coming from?
Or do you feel more a fear, anxiety enjoying pleasure?
If so, why do you think you have these feelings? Where is it coming from?
Do you feel out of control when you are being pleasured or having an orgasm? (Thus you want to be the one pleasuring him--because your in control??? Just an idea to think about)
Has someone in your past hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally? (Sometimes when our self-esteems have been cut-down, we may not think we deserve good things).
Do you think you don't deserve to enjoy your sex-life with your bf?
Have you experienced any trauma in your life (in a sexual environment or non-sexual)? Trauma can effect us in many ways.

Can you view your boyfriend pleasuring you, also as a way for him to enjoy himself and share something special with you.
(My ex used to love to pleasure me, he personally got a lot of fullfillment out of it, and maybe you bf would like share that moment with you?)

I hope this helps, these are just some questions to get you brain-storming.


02-21-2012, 06:54 AM
Thanks so much for your reply Liv, you've helped me a lot!

Now that I've read over those brain storming questions, there's a couple that made me think I need to identify things further. The guilt one I think is definitely one to think about - I guess I do feel guilty and ashamed. I just don't know why.. but I'm going to look into it further. The control issue makes sense too, I like to be the one in control, I guess I don't like it when i'm 'helpless' as it were.

Ah gosh, seriously thank you so much, I hadn't thought about these things and now it's something to really explore and work out further x

Liv Kaymak
02-21-2012, 07:10 AM
Your welcome! :love I am glad I was able to help you out. :winky

I used to (and sometimes still really struggle) with my sex-life as well. It was really hard, and for me, it usually stemmed from more deeper rooted issues. If you have T and feel confident and safe talking to your T about this stuff it might help you with exploring it further, because therapy does provide a safe environment. I talked a lot about sexual intimacy issues in T and it really helped me overcome a lot of walls when I was dating my ex. Furthermore, when you feel comfortable, it might help to talk to your boyfriend. And the two of you can work on it together.

02-21-2012, 01:47 PM
That was a great reply Liv! You really hit all of the points!

I felt much the same way Bethanymay. For me, it was the control issue. My amazing BF (now ex, but doesn't make him less amazing!) figured this out and suggested we try power play. I was really shy about it at first, but once I felt like I was in control of him, I could have him pleasure me and still feel like I was the one with the power. It actually really improved our relationship and our sex life.

But not to worry- it didn't have to stay like that. Once I had a lot of good associations with it, we were able to drop it and its more of an even distribution of control. (although it is fun to bring it back sometimes!)

Just something that worked for me. It also involved lots of talking it out with the BF and lots of words of encouragement from him. I know it can be confusing, but you can work through it and be closer than ever in the end.

02-21-2012, 01:50 PM
Thanks so much for your reply melissa.anne and thanks for sharing your experience, you're really helping me out here! That sounds like a good idea - I'm not seeing him for a few days but once I do I'll have things to talk about with him - I know he'll be great about it as he has been with everything else so that's good :)

Iced gem
02-21-2012, 01:57 PM
Hey Bethany

Thanks for this thread. It hits close to home.

Ive been thinking about this... and for me I think it's a vulnerability thing!

Allowing someone do this sort of stuff to us means we gotta trust them. And while I trust my bf with my life, there's always this teeny tiny fraction of myself that isn't trusting the whole thing. Like I always expect it to be a cruel joke. So I think I find it hard to let my defences down. To allow myself but one hundred percent vulnerable in front of another human being.

Does that sound like anything that could be going on?

02-21-2012, 07:10 PM
Hey iced gem, thanks for your reply! :)

Hmm I'm not sure it's a vulnerability thing but the one thing that I've definitely go out of your reply is that I'm definitely not alone in this, even if our reasons behind it may be different (though I dont know yet). Thank you so much for sharing with me - I was a bit scared when I first posted and getting your responses has helped me realise it's not so uncommon and I can do something about it :)

02-24-2012, 06:30 AM

Just wanted to say that I could have written your post - I have the same feelings about pleasing him vs pleasing me. I know what some of my reasons are - I've explored them a bit in the safety forum - but I hope you can work out what your reasons are and work on them.

And although, like you, I'm happy in my body (i.e. the weight restoration, and being in sexy underear), I know I am actually not that comfortable with the sexual parts of my body. That's a big reason why I'm happy to please him but not the other way around.