View Full Version : should I say something?

02-20-2012, 12:41 PM
Hi :bowl,

First of all I have big issues with confrontation and I hate arguing. Definitely a people pleaser kind of a person.

I have been dating my bf for six months now. He is amazing. I have never felt so close to anyone before, or so attached, and honestly that's a little bit scary to me. I love him and I think he loves me? But he hasn't said it yet, which makes me too scared to say it first, so I'm just waiting it out.

Anyway that's not the issue. This issue is this:

I'm dog-sitting for family friends right now. Yesterday he took the dogs for the day which was super nice of him, I needed time to just do my homework and not worry about them. (I love these little guys but they are high maintenance dogs). So then I went over to his place, which is about a twenty to thirty minute drive from my apartment, for dinner with him and his family. I sort of figured he'd come back to the house with me + dogs and spend the night, but we never made solid plans around that.

After dinner I could tell he was really tired, so I asked him what he wanted to do and he couldn't decide. He said he was just exhausted and wouldn't be very good company, and he basically just wanted to pass out. Which is totally fine with me, I get it. Sleep is very important to me, so he helped me get the dogs into the car and gave me a kiss goodnight and I went back to the dog-sitting house alone.

So I get there and realize my bf still has the house key. Which is as much my fault as his, neither of us thought about it.

I call him, thinking F, it's already my bedtime, I really hope he can meet me halfway so I don't have to spend an hour driving just to get the stupid key. I also spend about ten minutes trying to break and enter instead, to no avail of course.

I tell him the situation and he goes - "I'm not at home, I'm hanging out with Max." (his best friend) :zoinks

Um. Ok. He ended up just leaving them in the mailbox at his house for me. I honestly do not get annoyed easily, but I feel a little bit hurt by this. First of all it was a lot of driving for me to have to do. But that's not really even the problem.I don't want to overanalyze it, but he had just told me he was too tired to come back with me...but not too tired to hang out with Max apparently...which makes me feel like he'd rather hang out with Max than me. Which again is fine, I need my time with my best friends too. If he had said he wanted to hang out with Max, I would've been cool with that! But...really, too tired to come back with me but not too tired to hang out with his friend? Why lie about it?

I doubt he actually lied. I'm sure Max just called him up and asked him to hang out and he wanted to so he did. But still, that kind of stings. Maybe I'm being silly. I'm not angry, just a little put off. Because even if he didn't lie, he did choose.

Also, I know when those two get together they like to smoke pot. Which again, is ok even though I don't personally do it much at all, but it's happening more and more often...like bf and I will just be hanging out just the two of us and he'll roll a joint. Once he asked me if it bothered me and I said no, but here we are two months later and it's getting old. I just feel like Max and my bf are grown ass twenty-seven year old men. Stop smoking the cheeba like a sixteen-year-old highschooler. :ugh

So I know I should be honest and say that yes, last night was kind of shitty. And I also should say something about the fact that the pot is starting to bother me (it's a little concerning actually, I know my bf is stressed about his future right now but smoking pot every day isn't going to get him anywhere). They should probably be two different conversations, since I don't even know if he and Max smoked last night...although I'm willing to bet money they did, I don't want to make that assumption.

It's just...so uncomfortable. I think about it and I just want to cry. I'm like a child. I don't know how to handle this. Part of me just wants to run away because caring about someone this much and being able to be hurt by him is really scary. And part of me wants to just have him hold me all day and tell me it's ok.

There's a nice little novel for you and for anyone who actually read that whole thing...thanks! :yay Any advice on how to bring it up? And on how to deal with the emotions around this?

02-20-2012, 01:27 PM
If you don't communicate he will never know that you feel slighted and that you are developing expectations of him (which you are). And im not sure you have a clear understanding of those expectations. I wouldn't date a guy who smokes pot but I know people who do. But if it bothers you that he's smoking more, what is the limit? If you have one, and you are getting annoyed and dont express it (and explain why it bothers you and aren't a hypocrite about it) then he just assumes you are cool with whatever he does. Couples don't see eye to eye all the time and compromise. If something is a deal breaker then its important to know as we all have limits. If you are close then talking to him about how you feel isnt going to hurt the relationship unless he is the type who will feel threatened by making changes. But the same goes for you, he might ask for some consideration or something in return.

02-20-2012, 04:34 PM
Hi sflathinker,

Thanks for your input. It does make me think.

If you don't communicate he will never know that you feel slighted and that you are developing expectations of him (which you are). And im not sure you have a clear understanding of those expectations.

That's exactly why I am so conflicted right now. I have no idea what my expectations are. I don't even know what I want. He's the first guy I've ever felt like this with. And like I said, it's scary. I should just be honest and tell him that. I've always been good at distancing myself from people, never wanting to get too close.

As far as the pot...I guess I don't know much about what my limit is - I just want to know what his limit is. Because I don't mind it once in a while, but every day? He's just so much smarter and more interesting and more engaged when he doesn't smoke. And I feel like when he's with me and he smokes, that is off-putting because I'd rather be fully there to spend time with him and I want him to do the same. I'm not one of his guys that he can get stoned and watch American Pie with (or whatever it is they do).

Why can't boys just be mind-readers.

02-20-2012, 06:59 PM
Girls aren't mind readers either and when the honeymoon phase wears off it's time to be honest with yourself about what bothers you and what is truly unacceptable. Some battles you will not win but it's important to understand how he feels about it. Just because you think he's smarter when he's not stoned, doesn't mean he wants to stop smoking. Maybe he enjoys being stoned alot and it's possible that in five years time he is still smoking this much. You might find this off putting but acceptable or this might be a relationship ender. You can't possibly know this right now. You live in the present and this isn't about what you think he should or shouldn't be doing, it's about YOU and what you are willing to put up with.

Like you said, his friend likely called last minute and it was innocent. Friends are important and easy to be around (hey, sometimes I choose to lay out with a book over spending time with my bf simply because I need down time) however, he could have explained it better, but I'll bet he is used to you acting like nothing ever bothers you so he didn't feel the need to sugar coat anything. Be honest and he will likely be able to gauge what might upset you better as you continue getting to know one another better.

Serena for Serenity
02-21-2012, 09:57 AM
Hey, I agree with sflathinker in that he probably doesn't know that it upset you and didn't think much about it. I have often wished that people would be 'mind readers' but that is never going to happen and we just need to learn to express ourselves...In my past relationship I never expressed myself properly and would then blow up when he didn't just 'know' what I was thinking. I was constantly thinking he should or shouldn't be doing something and ignored the fact that I could do something or say something. He also smoked a lot of weed and I was smoking too, but it always seemed like he would rather just smoke his life away than be present and sober with me in the moment. I ended this relationship because it turned out the things I chose not to deal with at first became deal breakers and things that I found very unattractive (I also quit smoking since it did make me feel less motivated and hazy). You have to ask yourself what you want out of a relationship and what you are willing to put up with. You can't change him and if his smoking bothers you or the way he acted in that situation, you need to just talk to him about it, otherwise it could keep building and building and he won't know anything is wrong. I know how hard it is to express yourself and be vulnerable but it is worth it in the long run.

02-21-2012, 03:26 PM
Hi :fishy s,

Thanks so much for your input. I absolutely agree with you.

The issue of the other night was resolved pretty much right away. He could tell something was wrong and just straight up asked if I was angry because he didn't come over. I said I wasn't angry that he didn't come over, but I was a little hurt when he had just told me how tired he was and twenty minutes later he was hanging out with Max. I already knew M had probably just called him last minute, which my bf confirmed, and he said "he lives down the street, he just came by and we smoked and watched a movie that I fell asleep during."

And I told him I figured that already, but it still made me a tiny bit sad. And he understood, said he should've just come back with me, but that he was in a really bad mood that night and didn't want me to have to put up with it. I do understand, and so does he, and I'm glad we talked about it.

The :smokin issue is something I will bring up another time in the very near future. It does bother me and I absolutely agree that I need to say something. The honeymoon phase is ending now, and even though it didn't bother me before, it's going to bother me more and more. I don't want to be the kind of person to tell him what to do and I don't want him to resent me for it, but at the same time it isn't healthy to just be silent in a relationship.

And I don't expect him to stop cold turkey. I drink or smoke every once in a very rare while, so I'm not gonna be a complete hypocrite. But doing it every day or even every other day...it does concern me. :ummm

He's just so sweet to me it's impossible to stay mad. :angel He is a really, really good guy, and he makes me feel like I'm made of gold. The good outweighs the bad by far. Last night as we were laying down to go to sleep he turned to me and said "God, you make me so happy just being around you." :lubdub

02-21-2012, 04:29 PM
He sounds like a nice person, but values and lifestyle can cause fights later. If he wants to smoke then this will be something you have to approach delicately, and soon. If too much time passes or you attempt to change too much about him, then the question will be, are you sure you accept who he wants to be.

02-21-2012, 06:57 PM
This is a good question. Long term, can I see myself dating him as he is right now (with the smoking in particular)?....then no. That's a little heart-wrenching to say, because like I said, he's the first guy I've ever loved and trusted and cared about this much.

I don't want to change anything fundamental about him. I guess I've just been assuming that this is temporary since he is really stressed out at this point in his life (switching careers, applying for grad school, etc). But if this is his way of dealing with stress, then am I okay with that? Not really. And anyway, I shouldn't assume anything. Maybe this is actually how he always has been and doesn't want to change. But I hope not. :ugh

UGH why must you make me ask the hard questions. :cute

But the thing with him is - I can't see him not willing to make a compromise. I don't know what or how much he'd be willing to change for me, but I'm sure he'll be receptive. Well, I'm not sure since nothing like this has come up before so I'm not going by any empirical evidence other than that's how I know him so far. :ohboy Thank you for giving me such a rational way to evaluate this. It's so helpful to be able to step back and think a bit more objectively now and then. Right now it's so hard to consider anything other than how much I like him and want to be with him. But that isn't the only thing that matters in a lasting relationship (although obviously it's important, too).