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View Full Version : next step - terrified of gentle intimacy


nefretiti
02-18-2012, 06:33 PM
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, i'm freaking ou, going crazy, i don't know even how to call this!

i like this guy so much and he is so nice with me, and i really like him and i like how gentle and nice he is with me but that is just overwhelming and i am so scared it will be too much for me to handle. i don't know what will be too much, i just have this enormous anxiety, wish to run away, but i wanna stay cause it feel so good, it feels so genuine and like happiness, but i cannot, and i want to and it is all just driving me crazy.

biggestgainer
02-18-2012, 10:50 PM
It is all right to be scared in a new relationship. It is even ok to discuss your fears with your friend. Are you going for a passionate (eros) type of love that can be exciting but burn out quickly? Or are you looking for more sweet, gentle kindred spirit bonding(agape) type of love that can be tender and sometimes boring?

It is ok to communicate. It is ok to feel awkward. It is ok to enjoy forplay and fear penetration. Talk things through. Go slow, breathe, and relax. Things don't have to be done in a hurry.

nefretiti
02-19-2012, 04:43 AM
i dont want any more 'passionate kind of love'. all passionate that i had turned to be sadomasohistic...i never enjoyed rough sex and still that was the only sex i appreciated. i am longing for a gentle sweet touch, for that kind of warm and happy feeling when somebody touches me. yet, i think i just cannot do that. i just cannot, in my head i cannot believe that having sex with somebody is anything else apart from power game and being selfish. i was abused by my father, i was raped by my first love. i cannot connect any love or care with sex. and i so want to. i want to feel that and i miss love and caring. and i am so terrified when i do have sex with this guy he will just turn into my father and my rapist, at least in my mind i will put him on the same side with them and he will just become a threat, dangerous, and i will try to get even with him and to shut off my feelings for him. and i dont want that!

oh, please, help me. i just cannot tell him this. i can imagine how he would feel or what he would think. but this is just like a huge stone on my way, like a mountain. and i am just desperate. i don't want to drop this, i don't want to drop a nice guy cause of my traumas, but they seem just so big and impossible to overcome.

biggestgainer
02-19-2012, 05:59 PM
To me you sound so much like some of the women described in Robin Norwoods book Women Who Love Too Much. I personally chose to never have sex while sober.

You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Maybe sex isn't the next step. I personally believe talking is the next step. Talking may be the way to heal your past. It may not even be talking to him.

I believe your user name is a goddess of love and fertility. I feel you need to honor your inner goddess.

True agape love doesn't even have to be about sex. From my personal experience, having sex with a man just because I thought he was expecting it from me, ruin the relationship. I lost self-respect the second we were no longer joined by our genital organs.

It is harder to make it a relationship that truly revolves around the heart. I'm not even sure how to do it, but I know with every fiber of my being it is possible. I believe it begins with speaking my past, my fears, and my needs.

nefretiti
02-23-2012, 01:28 AM
hm...i think ou're right. maybe i shouldn't rush myself. cause i the end turns out i am the one to put pressure...now i understand what you mean.

a few day ago, while we were together, he says : "babe, what do you think to go to the next stage?" and i got terrified...for me the next stage was undressing and having sex of course. and all of my issueswith sex, men, my body, start to come up. so i asked hat was the next stage. and he said it was to take off our shirts. i was a bit surprised with that answer. and thought:just that?, that is his "next stage"?...then igot terrified even with that. i thought he just said that so he can convince me to have sex later on. anyways, most of the men i have been with did that....but he - no. massive surprise. didn't even try to touch me in a sexual way...more caring....so maybe he is to be trusted. and maybe i amthe one so terrified cause of my past and all men that i have known that were not nice to me so now i don't expect anybody to actualy be nice....

and about talking...well, i don't really wanna talk to him about all now, maybe some things that he needs to know, just a little. i guess the ebst is to talk to my t....

biggestgainer
02-23-2012, 11:49 PM
Sounds like an excellent plan. I think using your voice and discussing these things with your t will be a good step in your recovery.