View Full Version : Sexuality. How do you know?

02-15-2012, 04:10 PM
I have been single for a couple of years now but before that i was in a six year relationship with another girl. We had our ups and downs through the relationship but on a whole we pretty good together. We got together in uni. She was my first girlfriend. Before her i had a boyfriend but i spent the whole three months of our relationship running away from him. We never did anything. I just couldnt!
Since the split two years ago i have questioned my sexuality. I dont actually know what i am.

I lost my virginity at fourteen when i was raped and since then i have spent my life running away from men. When i started going out with a girl i felt safe but i dont know if i was just lonely and it was a way of getting safe affection. I have been thinking this for a very long time but havent actually spoken or written these words until now. this is a big deal to me.

How do i figure who i am? I am close to my thirties and should have figured this out by now but i am just so confused!

Please someone challenge me and help to dig out the truth


02-15-2012, 05:20 PM
Hi Sparkly,

I am sorry to hear about the trauma you suffered at fourteen. I can't begin to imagine what it's been like as you've worked on coming to terms with this. Being afraid of men as a result makes perfect sense to me. Do you have a T or someone to talk to about this? It's amazing how trauma when we're younger can continue effecting us for years and years afterwards...

As far as figuring out who you are sexually. I can't offer much advice to you there, since I've always been interested in boys (although I have made out with girls before...), but I am wondering...six years is a very long time to be a relationship with anyone, man or woman. Did you love her? Were you physically and emotionally attracted to her? Can you see yourself being with a man?

Even though I knew my sexual orientation, becoming sexually active was a bizarre process for me. Until my current bf, my experiences chalked up to emotion-less hook-ups involving too much tequila. I hadn't actually had sex - although I'd come close several times - until my bf. And being with him was a COMPLETELY different experience. Other guys who were in it just for the physical had no hesitation taking off both of our clothes very quickly. With him, he wanted to wait because he said he really liked me and didn't want to f it up. So I knew he was a keeper. I love him not just because I am attracted to him and I like being with him sexually, but because I trust him with my body and, more importantly, I can trust that he likes me for who I am (despite my issues lol).

I didn't mean to go on a long rant about my own life. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that in my very limited experience, affection and love IS about feeling safe to a certain extent, both physically and emotionally. At the same time, trust takes a long time to build...at least for me...and getting to really know someone (again, man or woman) is complicated and difficult. I'm sure you know that. :)

02-20-2012, 11:21 PM

Ive been where you are before. Growing up i was always a tomboy but i had plenty of boyfriends. But i could never take the relationship to a physical level. One of my boyfriends decided he couldn't wait anymore and tried to force himself on me. I fought him off and later ended it. I never really attempted a realtionship with a man after that. Now, six years later i have had **** girlfriends. One lasting for two years. Now im engaged to be married to a woman, the love of my life. No one can answer your sexuality for you. But what i found worked for me was rather simple. Go with your heart. Go with your insticts. The first time I was with a woman was one of the most inatural moments of my life. To this day i have never had sex with a man and don't see that ever happening. If god forbid, something were to happen and my relationship i still don't think id ever wind up with a man. My mother says its not natural. That no one is born a devient. But i don't care. I love my fiance and i cannot wait until we are married. I hope this somehow helps. If nothing else youre not alone.

02-20-2012, 11:23 PM
sorry four girlfriends. Sometimes i forget to spell out my numbers. Im still veryyyyy new. lol

02-21-2012, 08:31 AM
My basic advice is to go with the flow.... a label is .... for soup cans. and people, if we want it and it's helpful. I think it's totally normal to change your mind, go back and forth, be attracted to all genders, or be attracted to no one.

Right now, when asked, I do identify as queer or gay or a lesbian .... but I have no idea about the future, and if I find myself attracted to a man, I certainly hope that I will feel free to follow through on those feelings.

And there's no "should by now" -- do you know how often women in their thirties and forties experience a shift in their emotional, sexual, and romantic attractions? Way more than men. And we don't see it represented that way in media, etc. but the data is in-- sexuality can be very fluid for women.

I hope this helped :gimmehug Hang in there, you're strong and resilient and sexuality is just a dance sometimes....