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View Full Version : Betrayed by my boyfriend...so broken :o(


seliwyma
02-14-2012, 05:14 AM
I haven't been here in ages, but I'm just so numb and broken right now I needed somewhere to turn.

My boyfriend is on tour in Europe with his band at the moment and as we live together I've been opening his bills to pay them. I noticed a number on his mobile bill that he has texted a lot during the night and since he's been on tour. When we first got together, almost two years ago, he went on tour almost straight away and after he came back he admitted that he had sent dirty texts to another girl, due to boredom and frustration. It hurt, even though we were new and I made the tough decision to put it behind me and slowly build up the trust again. And since then things have been absolutely incredible. He has been perfect in every way and makes me feel so amazing about myself. But tours make me nervous. And seeing that number made me freak out, so I called it. And it was a girl.

So I sent him a message asking him about it and he called me back straight away. He admitted that he'd been sending flirty messages to her. He swore that nothing had actually happened beyond that, but he couldn't give much of a reason as to why he was doing it beyond that fact that we haven't been having a huge amount of sex lately (about once a week...we have a new puppy that takes a LOT of work and our sleep schedules are different, so it's hard!) and that it was something "different."

One of the biggest things that hurts me is that I thought we were so open and so good at communicating with each other about anything. I didn't dream that he had a problem with our sex life, because I thought if he wanted more or something different then he'd tell me! When he's on tour we send dirty texts to each other a lot, send pictures...and even if we're not having a massive amount of sex lately we do try different things when we do and I think the sex is really good.

We cried to each other on the phone for ages (I'm not looking forward to getting THAT bill) and he begged me to forgive him for being so stupid, told me over and over that he loved me and that he couldn't imagine life without me and that I'm so perfect and he wants to be with me forever. He's been texting me constantly since we got off the phone too.

I love him so much. He was my dream come true...my miracle after all of the horrible things that I've had in me life, he made me so incredibly happy.

I don't want to leave him...but he's made this mistake twice now and I don't want to be a fool. I believe him that he loves me, but this is a real problem that can't keep happening.

And of course now my brain is turning to feeling insecure about myself and my body. I know that my weight limits some of the positions we can try and that it means I don't have as much stamina as I'd like. It also means that I find it hard to take sexy photos because there aren't that many flattering angles when you're obese. And now I'm worried that I'm going to feel pressure around sex...not that he'd pressure me, but that I'd pressure myself to do it more than I naturally feel it so that he won't betray me again. Which is awful. I don't want that kind of feeling in my relationship at all.

I'm just so sad. We have the potential to be the most incredible, happy couple. I thought we were. But I don't know how much to trust now, I don't know how much to forgive. I don't know if he'll actually stop this. I believe he'll want to. But I think he has a problem.

Just last week he sent me a huge letter telling me all the reasons why he loved me and how much I mean to him. I cried with happiness as I read it. I just can't believe the same person is making me feel so horrible today.

I guess I need hugs, thoughts, just to know someone's there and cares...

Thanks fishies

sflathinker
02-14-2012, 07:18 AM
People don't cheat or stray because their partner is overweight, they do that because of an unfulfilled need to be responsible, committed and especially if they believe that they will get away with the behavior. He admits fault, begs for forgiveness AND then blames you for the reason he screwed up? Love isn't just a feeling and a longing for a future together, it's a decision to do what's right by your partner, even during the rough times, even when you are apart or fighting. It's up to you whether to forgive him, again. But to think that he would do anything different if you looked different, or acted different, or if you lost weight...is a waste of time. He will do this because he believes he can.

Serena for Serenity
02-14-2012, 05:36 PM
I am sorry you are in pain :gimmehug:gimmehug I read what your wrote and definitely can relate to some of the feelings. You are not alone. It sounds like you have to decide if you can actually trust him. It seems like you two lead very different lives when he is on tour, have different schedules, and that can be hard on a relationship. I don't think it is acceptable for him to text girls just out of boredom or frustration, couldn't he text you or just entertain himself? I have found that musicians who travel and play gigs to not be the most trustworthy type, but I don't want to jade you with my thoughts on that. As for the sex part, if he wasn't happy about how much sex you two were having, perhaps it would have been better if he had brought it up in person. I think that its normal to not have as much sex after a certain point in a relationship and if you have a puppy...that makes it more difficult to get intimate, since all the dogs I've known would gladly like to jump on you while you are trying to be intimate, but I don't really like dogs, so yeah. You should not force yourself to do something you are not comfortable with and your weight does not define you as a person. You are so much more and you deserve to be with someone you can trust. You are smart to not want to be played, since that hurts, but I know it hurts to think of losing him. I would just seriously ask yourself if you think you can trust him,want to stay with him, those kinds of questions and trust your intuition. You probably already know the answer. I hope that you can find some peace :gimmehug

sisserbell
02-14-2012, 05:46 PM
First of all Happy Valentine's Day sweetie. Secondly I am sorry that you are going through such an ordeal. If I would have been you I could not have kept my cool or had a conversation about it. I would have ranted and raved by myself or t friends before basically driving myself insane. So good for you.

I definitely agree with Serena. She made many valid points. It's alarming to me that he can discuss these issues, such as testing and your sex life, only when he was confronted or caught in such a position that he had to defend himself. Obviously he's been on the fence about these issues for some time or he would not be doing them and not need to defend himself about these actions. I always thought if someone who gets caught doing something needs to defend themselves until they are blue in The face and place blame on others, are manipulative and guilty. This is just my opinion.


Sorry. Just expressing my opinion. Not pushing my idles onto you.

Take care of yourself tonight. Do something special just for you on this Valentines Day.

punkrocklibrarian
02-14-2012, 06:02 PM
*Massive hugs* to you, Seliwyma. You're often in my thoughts anyway, but extra thoughts are winging your way. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I agree with Serena - hard thought it is, you're the only one who can decide what to do and, if you examine your thoughts/feelings hard, i expect you already know what the RIGHT decision is.

Any decision you make in this sort of a situation's going to be hard, so whatever you do, bear in mind things will be tough for a while and remember, your friends and family and all your fellow fishies here are always there for you, no matter what the time and no matter what it is you need to talk about.

Love and strength
xxx

seliwyma
02-14-2012, 07:01 PM
Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for replying and for giving me your honest opinions.

I must point out that he only said about the having had less sex after a LOT of pushing from me for a reason and actually asking "do I not have enough sex with you?" Mostly he said he didn't understand why he did it because he knew it was wrong. He has NEVER in the entire time that we've been together commented on my weight or my body in any way negatively. They were my own thoughts. He has been amazing like this.

We've been talking about this non-stop and really, I can't know how I feel until he gets back (in three weeks...urgh). He's said that he wants to see a psychologist to understand why he has been doing it. He said he really can't come up with a reason when things are so great in our relationship and he loves me so much. So he's going to have a couple of sessions on his own with a psych to try and understand why he's doing it, what it is he's getting out of it and how he can channel that into something non-destructive. Then we'll have a session together to try and resolve things between us.

I believe that he loves me and that he truly wants to fix this. I hope that working with a psychologist will be the help that he needs. I have made a firm decision that there are no more chances after this. No matter how much it hurts, if it happens again it is over.

I do see myself with this man forever. That why I hope to god that we can overcome this. We've been perfect together in every other way. No one has ever made me so happy.

He said that he wouldn't tour any more. He has an Indonesian tour booked for a week in April and he said that after that he would not tour again, because he wouldn't want me home by myself worrying. I don't want to take that away from him though, his band is such a big part of his life. I wouldn't want him to resent me in the long run. But it will be so hard to feel confident again when he goes away.

I guess I'm in a place where I'm willing to work on this...or more to the point, I'm willing to let him work on this to earn my trust again and to try and build a confidence between us again. But I am one hundred percent confident in saying that this is the last chance. If he does not prove himself to have made a complete commitment to me in every way, then it will be over.

I haven't been able to eat since this has happened...you can tell when I'm truly broken inside when I, the obese binge eater, can even stand the idea of putting food into my mouth. I hate this.

seliwyma
02-14-2012, 09:03 PM
This is what he sent to me last week:

You're so awesome to be with. It even goes beyond just feeling comfortable when im around you. I feel like im not really complete without you around (which i notice more and more while im over here).
Just thinking of you makes me smile, and i can always cheer myself up thinking about how silly we can be together. It's rare to be with someone that you can feel completely free to be yourself.
You are so supportive of me. Its a lot to ask of someone to just leave them for **** weeks at time, and the fact that you even in a lot of ways encourage me with the band is really special. It makes me really appreciate you as well as love you.
And you suppot me in so many other ways. I've never heard you complain about having to hold my hand through all the little responsiblities of living together. You pretty much take care of me and never complain about it (even when somtimes i think my lack of understanding as to whats going on would get to you a bit, haha).
You always have time to comfort me whenever im even a little upset, even over stupid little things. Even after everything that youve been through and the problems that you have of your own, you're there for me.
You're so fun to hang out with. I could never get bored of you. We have so much fun together and do everything together and still it seems like we're not hanging out near enough. I can't get enough of you and never want to be apart from you. You're my best friend.
You are so damn talented. I always find myself bragging to people about you and wanting to tell everyone how good you are at anything you do. And i easily find excuses to brag about you. You're an awesome singer, pianist, and all round muso. On top of that you can speak other languages and are just generally an intelligent person. More than me, thats for sure. Anything you seem to try your hand at you pick up with ease. Its intimidating.
On top of all this, you are just so beautiful and i adore you and can't stop thinking about you, especially being away from you. I just want to snuggle up with you and kiss you.
Not only are you beautiful but you're so damn hot too! You turn me on so much. I think we're so sexually in sync with each other. We know what each other likes and are not afraid to try new things too. Mmm i miss you. ;)
I think what i love the most about you is the fact that i didnt have to write any of this - you already know it all. And you wouldn't even have to reply to it because i know too. :)
I love you so much sweetie! Theres so much more that i could write, but it would take me all day.
When ever you're feeling down or upset about anything while im away and cant get in touch or chat to me, just read this and know im thinking of you. Hopefully it'll put a smile on your face! :) <(")
Mwah!! xoxoxox

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile this with what I've just found out. How can he feel and say all of this whilst at the same time feeling the need to text someone else?

axi
02-14-2012, 11:27 PM
A lot of people hurt the ones that they do care for/love because of their own fucked up issues and it sounds like he has a fucked up issue that makes him seek attention from someone else rather than let you know he needs extra attention. The question is can he stop it before he completely crushes you and the love you have for him.

seliwyma
02-14-2012, 11:55 PM
I think that's what it is Axi. I do feel like there's an underlying problem here, because I do believe that everything else he says that he feels (and that way that he is with me) is genuine.

I hope he can stop it. I hope seeing a psychologist will be the help that he needs.

ducksquack
02-15-2012, 07:05 AM
We all have issues and he is no different. He does
seem to want to overcome this issue he has and you
are willing to see if he does.

You have a relationship which sounds great and I do
hope he follows his words with actions. You are right
in making this a deal breaker and I hope that things
work out for you both.

god bless.

punkrocklibrarian
02-16-2012, 05:46 AM
This is a very obvious thing to say (sorry!) but maybe somewhere in the deep dark recesses of his self-esteem he doesn't believe he deserves you / deserves to be happy, successful in his relationships, etc. so is subconsciously or semi-consciously trying to sabotage or put the relationship (hence his wellbeing) in danger. Of course, this impacts on you, but he clearly doesn't actually mean to set out to hurt you.

Seeing a psychologist sounds like the best thing to do. I'd imagine it'll take more than just a couple of sessions to sort out any underlying issues, but of course if he and you are all right to talk about issues like this or relating to why he might feel the need to fuck things up, maybe it'll strengthen rather than ruin the relationship.

seliwyma
02-16-2012, 06:47 AM
Hey punkrocklibrarian...thanks for dropping in again :o)

You know you've summed up exactly what I think is going on. He's suffered from a lot of self-esteem issues and depression in the past. And he told me that has frequent nightmares in which I die or I leave him and it leaves him terrified. Maybe if he's scared of losing me, on a subconscious level he might believe that it wouldn't hurt as much if he lost me because of something he did, rather than if I just didn't love him enough. It's kind of like the way that I don't feel as bad about failing at uni if I didn't even try, it's if I try and fail that it really hurts...so sometimes I self sabotage to save me that hurt....if that's a fair analogy.

We've got a lot to talk about. And I think he's got a lot of work to do to learn more about himself and where this came from. I hope this will strengthen us in the long run...showing us the need to learn more about each other and be more open.

axi
02-16-2012, 06:23 PM
If he has low self-esteem, he may be more prone to feeling flattered when people flirt with him and then want to keep that feeling going. I hope that he works with a counselor and develops more self awareness since he kept saying he didn't know why he did it- if that was the truthful answer because he may not have wanted to get into it if he felt cornered.

Also, I re-read the post where you said you were pushing him for an answer. It sounds like you were putting excuses out there for him to grab onto and most of them were about you and what you were/ were not doing. Why?