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sisserbell
02-13-2012, 12:17 AM
I don't even know how to start this because I am ashamed of myself.

I self torture myself, by basically stalking my ex boyfriend, via facebook.

We broke up a year ago when he found out I had been lying alot, due to my ED. He then realized I had an Ed after I attempted suicide. I ended up moving home and that was that. He talked to my mom alot, but never me again.

I deleted him as my friend last year because I was in therapy and I was trying to get over him. I thought about him all the time so I decided to not trigger myself everyday on facebook. Well the sad thing is, my mom is his friend on facebook. Her laptop is always logged into her Facebook and I am constantly fighting myself not to check it.

I hate how much I am still in love with him and feel as if I will never move on. I miscarried our baby in January last year, which led my ED to spiral out of control and into my attempted suicide.

When I am not hurting myself with my ED I am hurting myself with these stalking actions and depressed thoughts.

I guess what I am asking is does anyone else find themselves stuck? Stalkerish? I feel so crazy and shameful doing this.

sisserbell
02-13-2012, 12:25 AM
I feel so pathetic that I wrote this now. I am so weak and alone.

TennisLady
02-13-2012, 12:52 AM
Hi sisserbell,

I have done this myself, stalked exes pages. Don't think of yourself as the only one who has ever done this. There are a LOT of people out there who do this. Unfortunately the internet makes this so easy.

However you need to find a way to get over it. Can you ask your mom to block him? Then you won't be so tempted to check. Also having your T or someone be an accountability partner will keep you from obsessing and thinking of him.

pantherr
02-13-2012, 01:02 AM
Sisserbell, I think everyone with a facebook is guilty of stalking. So be easy on yourself, because in this digital world that's pretty standard.

Honestly, I would have your mom defriend him. And then you may be able to work on healing and moving on (although how to do this, I'm not sure, and if you figure it out please let me know)

sisserbell
02-13-2012, 01:08 AM
Thank you for the response TennisLady. I don't know why my heart won't let me get over him. I just keep telling myself like if we saw each other again and I got a chance to explain myself in person, we would find love. I am delusional obviously.

I don't even want to tell my mom I check him through her facebook because of all the trust issues in our past.

Do you think it's wrong of me to go on there tomorrow, when she is at work, and make it so she is not automatically logged on?

I suffer from anxiety, so night time is the worse. I lay in bed and my thoughts always wonder to those times. I feel so weak like I should have moved on, but I haven't moved anywhere yet. Ugh! My life seems like a vicious cycle of nothing-ness.

axi
02-13-2012, 01:36 AM
I think making it so you don't have easy access to his profile is a good thing. What have you been doing to move past this?

sisserbell
02-13-2012, 06:16 AM
Nothing. That's the problem. I am stuck at my parents house until some court issues get resolved. Which means the last couple months of my life I have been in a tiny town and doing nothing. I know this is the problem and I wish I could move on, but right now these are the cards I am having to deal with.

sflathinker
02-13-2012, 09:22 AM
Life doesn't control you, you always have options. If you find it too tempting then ask your mom if she still keeps in touch with him and then ask her if she is willing to remove him because the idea upsets you. She might say "no" and its a hard lesson when someone we love doesn't give in but ultimately it does teach us that we are stronger than we think. I wouldn't confess you log into her computer because you are violating her trust, but talk to your t about that. As far as finding ways to be happy in your space....little town or big city, the key is to enjoy your life, hobbies, activities and to make friends along the way.

Liv Kaymak
02-13-2012, 12:00 PM
Hi sisserbell,

I have done the same thing. You are definitely not alone. As you might know, I am also struggling to get over my ex. It's really hard. Try not to feel bad about yourself. I believe heart-break is one of the most painful experiences.

I know that when I facebook stalk or even allow myself to ruminate about my ex, I end feeling terrible. However, you do have some power in this. I echo Sflathinker, and try to talk to your mom (but don't tell her about going on her facebook!!). And maybe try to set up some rules for yourself. Sometimes when I catch myself ruminating about my ex, I will try to detour my thoughts to something else. I realize its hard when your stuck at home and feeling depressed, but try to force your thoughts in another direction. I don't try to completely stop thinking about my ex (because it doesn't work for me and puts too much pressure on me), but more manage it, like think about my ex only ten-fifteen minutes a day (and its helped me a lot). Or whatever kind of limitation works for you.

When you feel the urge to cyperstalk, ruminate, or engage in ed behaviors try using your coping mechanisms. Like watch a funny tv show or movie, draw or color, you can look on SF for their coping mechanisms they have a huge list.

Also, I know that you said you moved home and the transition is hard for you. It might make it easier if you can start a part-time job (it doesn't have to be fancy or high-paying), just something to get you out of your house and around people. Or maybe start volunteering somewhere (with kids, animals, older-people, soup kitchen, church), etc. Or start some hobbies that you may enjoy like: sports, dance, art classes, book club, etc. Try to find things that are outside of your home, where you can engage with others, and enjoy yourself. It might help you feel better and not ruminate so much on your ex.

nc
02-13-2012, 01:41 PM
I think you need to be honest with your mother. Trying to change her setting or do something behind her back just continues the dishonesty. If you want to change then that means truly change, which means being honest with your mother and working with her on how to keep you off her facebook or removing this person as he friend.

I worry that you end your post asking if anyone else has done this rather than asking for ways to come clean and to stop this behavior.

Have you told your T what you are doing?

axi
02-13-2012, 01:56 PM
Why are you doing nothing? You may not be able to change your location, but you can find things to do. You can join a group activity, take online classes, a martial art, something, anything. As long as you are not moving forward you are going to continue ruminating on the people from your past that have shown they do not want to continue the relationship. It's only hurting you to keep yourself stuck there.

sisserbell
02-13-2012, 02:18 PM
Thank you for all your advice and yes I should have ended it, how can I change this in a positive way.

I currently can not get a job. I am waiting charges. Long story short could be something that leaves a permanent mark on my record. Still haven't heard back from my lawyer and it's been months. All my personal belongings are in another state. They advised me not to get a job or seek residency until charging or no charges. I have volunteered at a nursing home and babysat a lot since I've been home. I read everyday, take pictures, crossword, crafts...etc.

Guess when my anxiety gets to a high point, such as after I eat and not engaging in ED behavior, I seek out to hurt myself somehow and that seems to be face booking.

I will start being more present during this time because it seems like I zone out and do this.

Liv Kaymak
02-13-2012, 05:09 PM
I am sorry to hear Sisserbell. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

Try reading self-help books about this kind of stuff (I find it helps); or if you are religious/spiritual (i hope that I don't come off too preachy) but sometimes praying helps; and I would recommend T (I am not sure if you currently are in T or not) but I think T would definitely help; and if you are in T try telling your therapist about these concerns and issues of yours and how its directly effecting you. Maybe if there are any support groups in your area, you can check them out as well, for some added real-time support.

Since you cannot really work, maybe you can join a local activity or club in the area. Or maybe take classes your interested in.

I also find night-time to be very difficult. When I find myself ruminating and thinking painful stuff, I literally make myself think about anything else that would give me solace and comfort during this time. Even if it is stupid (but I try not to judge myself for it!!!). Or I know its silly, but I will cuddle with a stuffed animal or something.

(Maybe in the future you will be able to talk things out with your ex, but for right now try to focus on you and what you need to do to make yourself happy and healthy. Make you and your well-being the priority).

Guess when my anxiety gets to a high point, such as after I eat and not engaging in ED behavior, I seek out to hurt myself somehow and that seems to be face booking.

I will start being more present during this time because it seems like I zone out and do this.

I think these two statements are really important. I think you are starting to see what is driving you act in this fashion, and with T it can help enable you to find healthier coping abilities during those difficult moments.

Take Care :love

nc
02-13-2012, 05:12 PM
So what are you thoughts about being honset with your mother about what you are doing? Have you been honest with your T about this?

sisserbell
02-13-2012, 07:15 PM
Hi NC, my mom isn't home yet for the day. I did not change her settings but I plan to have a talk with her about it tonight. I don't mind she has him as a friend because I don't know her password. I am going to ask her to log off on her laptop. She is supportive because she knows how much I did love him. I currently am not seeing a T because there is not one within three hundred miles of where I live. I have talked to my general practioner about my issues and my parents are very well aware of ALL my issues.

I am currently looking to get an online job and working on re-establishing financial aid for school.

I also joined mentor connect online and hoping having an online type of mentor will also be beneficial.

Carrots
02-13-2012, 08:06 PM
Sisserbell, please don't feel pathetic about sharing with us. I know MANY people who have done the stalking thing on FB. It's hard not to...

That said, I agree with that nc said: I think you should talk to your mom about it. I hope that goes well tonight and that her logging off will be of help to you. Keep us posted on how it goes.

:hugon sisserbell :hugoff

sisserbell
02-13-2012, 08:54 PM
So I talked with my mom. She said it was no problem and she did ask if she should delete him as a friend. I told her that I didn't feel threatened that she was his friend, more the fact that I could log on and access. We also discussed when I have the urge to do self destructive things, such as check Facebook, that I talk to her or journal so that she can read it at a later time.

But no I feel kore heart broken.....whoa is me..whoa is me.

godzilla
02-13-2012, 09:10 PM
Sisserbell-

Just coming at this from a different angle, but maybe the extent of your "stalking" and the intensity obsession mean it is time to take a break from facebook. Or cut down significantly ie say you will only be on it two-three times a day, each time for ******** minutes.

I understand being in a very intense relationship and everything go to crap. For me, when I limited my amount of time on these sites each day (set a timer), the days got easier and slowly the obsession and pain started to decrease.

As I said, just a suggestion. I hope you find a solution that brings you peace.

:gromit godzilla

sisserbell
02-13-2012, 10:36 PM
Thanks godzilla. I have deactivated my account many times. I don't stalk anyone else on facebook, just my ex, and I deleted him awhile back. So I wasn't ever going on obsessively to my own account, but I do recognize when I feel triggered by others on facebook and did work with that in therapy.

Thank you guys for all your support. This broken heart business is not healing very fast and it's been broken before but never ever to this extent.

Still wishing on my money tree so I could go IP somewhere. If only, if only :)

axi
02-14-2012, 12:23 AM
Have you called your attorney this week? Call and leave messages until he gets back to you. I can imagine living in limbo is only adding to your stress.

sisserbell
02-14-2012, 12:43 AM
Axi, I call and leave her messages everyday. The agreement was supposed to be reached by the beginning of January and since then she hasn't returned any messages. Makes me so anxious and stressed. I have been reading into everything. She is in court all day tomorrow so I know that will be a waste to call then. I left her two messages today. I can't figure out what is going on. My parents are even trying to help. My life is a mess...ugh!

axi
02-14-2012, 11:30 PM
What have your messages said? Have you been assertive or simply left your name?

sisserbell
02-15-2012, 12:04 AM
Lets just say I know this lady. It's in a neighboring tiny town and she has to ofmheard my messages a million times. I just think she has no answer. I live in a town so small everyone knows everybody and everybody's business. I have been assertive and I am calling again tomorrow.