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View Full Version : Need Support to stay away from Ex-FWB


TennisLady
02-11-2012, 03:29 PM
I know in previous threads I have written about this guy I was seeing as a fwb who created so much stress for me.

I saw him for nine months up until March of last year, and he constantly disappeared on me, broke up with me three times to only get back together, wanted to be exclusive but was on other dating sites, and really upset me greatly. He and I have so much in common and had great chemistry, yet I gave up after he kept disappearing and I finally moved on.

We still had a great friendship and talked as friends, without seeing each other. I always had to initiate contact up until recently.

I told him that I started seeing a new guy, and he completed freaked out and is now pursuing me like crazy. The new guy is being a gentleman and taking me out for dinner, not pushing for sex until I get the divorce underway and move out, and is honestly one of the kindest, most caring guys I have ever met. After years of guys just using me for sex, it's a breath of fresh air. I told the new guy that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else and wait for him.

Well now I've gone over two months without sex and I'm dying. Ex-fwb is pressuring me to hook up, but he makes it clear that he just wants sex, no other comittments like going out to dinner, etc. New guy took me to a party last night, out to dinner, and has been a great friend.

I don't want to screw it up with new guy if he finds out about ex-fwb. Yet ex-fwb says that no woman wants him now and that he's lonely.

Please help me stay away from ex-fwb. I've said no to him several times......yet I'm having a hard time blocking him/cutting off all contact since he's such a good friend and has been supportive (well, of course he is now supportive and asking me how I'm doing all of the time because he wants me back!) ugh

As I said in my thread on the AN forum, I've been off of dating sites since Dec. and it's been a blessing as hard as it was at first!! My phone no longer rings all day and there is so much less stress in my life, except now for just these two guys.

I am also interviewing now to get a better paying job with benefits so I can move out. New guy knows all of this and has been so awesome, he's definitely a great boyfriend material and I don't want to screw it up with him. How can I stay celibate??!!

Ananke
02-11-2012, 03:57 PM
I am also interviewing now to get a better paying job with benefits so I can move out. New guy knows all of this and has been so awesome, he's definitely a great boyfriend material and I don't want to screw it up with him. How can I stay celibate??!!


Are you sure you have to? It sounded as if new guy is waiting out of respect for you, but it isn't clear that he would still want to wait if you told him that you appreciated the gesture but felt it wasn't necessary. Maybe there are other really important reasons why you want to make sure you wait, so maybe these thoughts are way off-base, but it seems like it would be better for you to become intimate with this new great guy who likes you as a whole person than for you to go back to an emotionally manipulative untrustworthy FWB who causes you pain.

I am also not sure he is being a good friend here. A good friend (even a good FWB) would not try to interfere with a new relationship. A good friend with benefits would step aside and support you in trying to make things with new guy work.

dermaline
02-11-2012, 04:15 PM
Hi Tl,

Well done for posting and holding yourself accountable. And for holding out and making improvements. :yay

As I said before I really think it would benefit your greatly to remain celibate for a year. It is a means of coping for you and from what I have heard it needs to be a year to break the compulsion.

You absolutely don't want to mess up your potential relationship with the new guy. And divorce is obviously still a while away and your h probably does not yet know of the agenda.

The ex is also v predictable as he has intimacy issues. So while you are unavailable he will be desperate and as soon as you are available he will be gone. And you will have ruined something potentially valuable. And opened up an emotional can of worms that will be v destructive to you.

i think you need to approach this in the same way as a crack addiction.

Expect to feel anxious and then look at alternate coping.

TennisLady
02-11-2012, 04:45 PM
Thanks Ananke. Ex-fwb did tell me to ask the new guy if he wants me to see other guys or not because he didn't want to mess up something good since the new guy seems to like me as a person and not just for sex. I did and the new guy basically said he couldn't hold me back but it's almost like I don't care about him if I do see other guys. So because he seemed a little freaked out, I said I wouldn't.

dermaline, thanks. Yes I miss that feeling of the high of being with my ex fwb, but I should go back and read the threads of when he disappeared on me and how devastated I felt when he cut me off and ignored me. I pretty much cried all weekend, ruined my weekends with my daughter and she didn't understand why I was so upset those times.. Now he's saying he distanced himself from me because he could tell I was getting feelings for him, and he admitted that he pretty much runs from every relationship. One year of no sex, I thought it was six months from the love and sex addiction books I've read? I've made it to two months, ugh four more?

But yes I know the sex thing fuels the ED because I panic about how my body looks naked. When I went into recovery and gained weight three years ago, it was easy to stay celibate for a year because I was ashamed of how I looked. Now I have to do it for reasons not of shame (because that year of celibacy didn't break the addiction.

Thanks for your help! xoxo

axi
02-11-2012, 10:53 PM
Please, block his number and tell him to not text you. He has not been supportive of you at all and has disappeared and left you devastated several times. He's even said that no one wants him and he's lonely?! If that isn't a mood and self-esteem killer, then I don't know what is.

Listen to what he is not saying; he is not saying he wantsyou specifically. He is not saying he is sorry for all the times he's left you hanging. He is not saying that he wants anything except sex with you. Do you think you will find fulfillment here or do you think it is only going to be another disappointment that will weigh you down and leave you questioning your worth?

TennisLady
02-11-2012, 11:52 PM
Thanks axi, you're spot on :)

dermaline
02-12-2012, 05:53 AM
Well all I know is that both the USA rehab series and the UK documentary I saw (where multiple experts were consulted and all said the same thin) was that it was a year of abstinance. And that actually included masterbation.

Axi said it well.

Kensington
02-12-2012, 11:30 AM
<HR>
Well now I've gone over two months without sex and I'm dying
<HR>

You're not really dying, as you know. You're feeling like you want to do something that you know isn't in your own best interest, which is similar to an ed or a substance/alcohol addiction.

Last time you saw your t., you had come clean about all that has been going on. Have you seen her since? The next time you see her, you need to tell her you feel like you are "dying" by going without sex for two months. You also need to tell her you are projecting into the future by considering a guy as "boyfriend material" and trying to behave in a way that keeps him in that role. Both of these are common to sex and love addiction and you need to have action plans in place with your t. for dealing with them.

dermaline
02-12-2012, 11:56 AM
Actually Kensington is right. Drama and romance is part of your addiction. So really you can't be abstinent with both the ex in contact and a new potential on hold.
Something to think about as you want to get truly better and have full recovery.

TennisLady
02-12-2012, 05:04 PM
Hi Kensington,

I see my T in three hours. I haven't seen her since I made my confession about my behavior as she left the country for five weeks.

I plan to go over that, as well as issues with my Dad and needing male approval (when I was younger to be the best student, best athlete, etc), and also to discuss why every guy I attract (including husband) seems to have Mommy issues.

I am glad I've been off the sites. I have been doing some animal rescue work and job hunting instead. The lack of texts is so refreshing! It was so stressful to have my phone constantly buzzing before, and created so much anxiety and inability to complete any simple task. Yet it's been easier because of the new potential that I'm so excited about, I really don't want a bunch of jerks emailing me.

Dermaline yes, drama and romance is my drug as well as the ED (which plays a huge role in that).

dermaline
02-13-2012, 07:59 AM
What are you going to change then, TL?

Can you make commitments on here and to your t.

No romance or drama or sex for a year. ?
As well as maintaining your "no negative internet sites and unhealthy people" rule.

Kensington
02-13-2012, 11:33 AM
Glad to hear you're doing animal rescue work. I've rescued/foster cared a number of strays over the years and it's rewarding work. I'm sitting here with one of them who is on my desk right now (Siamese cat!).

You said, "Yet it's been easier because of the new potential that I'm so excited about". Do you realize that's like saying it's been easier to stop binging becuz you are restricting? If you are holding onto a guy as potential for easing your love/sex addiction problems, that's just another behavior.

How did it go with your t? Does she know about this guy and how you see him?

TennisLady
02-13-2012, 10:09 PM
My anxiety is sky high right now so I am heavily sedated, I will reply when I'm more calm.

TennisLady
02-14-2012, 01:30 AM
I mostly played catch up with my T since she's been gone for **** weeks. I described how I saw the new guy and how he hasn't made any moves other than a hug at the end. She said he sounds like one of the few gentlemen left in the world.

She doesn't think I have a love addition issue at all.

I have no idea why my anxiety is so bad today, other than I'm constantly exhausted and feeling overworked.

Kensington
02-14-2012, 02:42 AM
Does she feel you have a sex addiction problem? To what does she prescribe the issues with men, dating and sex?

rafferty
02-14-2012, 04:33 AM
This is the T that has experienced her own issues with love and sex addiction? What you say about her and her comments about the men you see and so on make me wonder if she's got enough distance from this issue as you would want in a T to help you with this stuff.

btw... I have to say - your ex-FWB sounds nothing like a friend - and honestly - there doesn't seem to be much benefit in the relationship. Talk about a misnomer!!

:love

TennisLady
02-14-2012, 11:09 AM
My anxiety is still sky high right now, and I sent the new guy several texts about being anxious that I'm totally embarrassed about now when I was taking way more of my anti-anxiety medication than prescribed.

I'm so embarrassed :((((((( He didn't even reply to those.

Kensington she believes the issues of men, dating and sex are due to my unusual situation of living with husband but not being romantically involved with him, and dealing with his controlling behavior. She believes that when I get divorced and can meet more normal guys (not hookup guys) that I wouldn't have these nightmare of men. However she understands how tough divorce is on children, as her husband left her when she had a nervous breakdown that she then recovered from and went and got her license, and her son had stomachaches every weekend before he went to his Dad's house. Having her family split up broke her heart and if it was her choice she wouldn't have divorced, so she understands why I have a hard time with it too.

T has expressed numerous times that she's concerned about me getting an STD, and shared a friend of hers who is very sexual as I am, and got HIV in her sixties. Now no man will touch her. So she uses that as a warning story.

rafferty - T said she had issues with love addiction at my age (she's in her seventies) but not now, she doesn't date now at all after second divorce. She tells me that once she got over her self esteem issues and started being more assertive, the trying to please men went away.

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But overall she says I'm a joy to work with because I take her advice and implement it, unlike many of her other clients. In the past month, I've been assertive with this man at work who has been aggressive, I've been assertive with husband and his mom who try to monopolize my daughter's free time and told them no or that I have this and that scheduled with our daughter. This is a far cry from before when I would just run off and complain.

She just says to keep working at getting a better job so I can get on my own, and then date more guys like the one who took me out (although I probably just blew it with him anyways by being anxious and now he thinks I'm crazy).....

Kensington
02-14-2012, 11:28 AM
Honestly, you are sounding like you did before when you were justifying the addictive behaviors. Obviously, I don't know your t, but I cannot imagine one of the ones I had advising me not to get divorced becuz they had regrets about their own divorce. Her divorce has nothing to do with yours and it's unfair to compare them or use her regret as an excuse to stick around with your husband longer.

I do agree that you need to deal with your self-esteem issues, but I don't see that happening in a real, full, one hundred percent way as long as you keep finding a new guy or two to ramp up the drama with or dream of being "the one".

You are using this new guy in an addictive way and it's not healthy. I have to say that after all these months (or longer) of reading how you see men and how your self-esteem revolves around them, I do not believe it's a fair statement that this is just about being frustrated becuz you are still married.

You said you have taken "way more of my anti-anxiety medication than prescribed." You need to call your doctor or t. or go to an emergency room, as this can be quite serious. I'm going to close your post becuz of this.

After you seek medical help, I want you to think about what kind of support you want from posts like this. It's quite possible that a lot of your posts about sex/love addiction problems are better suited for a website centered around that, with real time help being a big part of it, too. You seem to go in circles and there's not a lot left for people to say in response. You go from justifying what's going on to saying you realize it's not healthy to justifying it again. It also seems like sometimes you want to document what's happening in a diary style rather than post for (and accept) true support. If you post about this subject again, please tell us up front exactly what type of support you are looking for, but do keep in mind these issues are seeming more and more to be better suited for a love/sex addiction website and real time, rather than Something Fishy.

Seek medical help