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Miyako
02-10-2012, 06:12 PM
So... I wrote about a guy friend of mine in another thread. How I told him about my anorexia etc. It's the same guy I'm talking about now.

There's a concert in three weeks that I'd love to go to with him. I met him there last year since it's an annual benefit concert. So I know he probably wants to go this year as well.

My problem: I'm afraid to ask if he wants to go with me...

First: I am terribly shy. Like there's a bunch of people talking and I'm the one who won't speak a word. I don't really talk to my guy friend when others are around. Whenever I'm alone with him it's no big deal, I trust him and can talk to him for hours. But from time to time I'm shy with him as well. And he knows that. So that's the case right now.
I've always had a hard time asking people to go to the movies/a museum/a concert or to ask if they wanted to have lunch with me or whatever. Simply because I'm shy. It has always been like that.
He's very outgoing with tons of friends. The exact opposite of me. I feel so inferior to him right now.

Second: My thoughts. Stupid ED thoughts that I don't wanna have and that are driving me nuts. I think:
He can go with someone else who's better than me. Someone who is interesting and fun to be with. Someone who doesn't get terribly shy with him from time to time and who won't speak a word whenever that happens. So why would he wanna go with me. He can have someone much better. He can have whomever he wants.
Maybe he'll be annoyed because I ask him and he doesn't wanna go (with me?) and so he'll think that I'm annoying.

I have already been out with him for drinks and stuff, spend the whole night talking, played Scrabble for hours. But it has always been difficult for me to ask him to do one of these things with me. Even though he's said yes every time...so far...But this time it seems to be impossible.

I really don't have the nerve to ask him right now. But I really want to.
I guess I just need some encouragement...

pantherr
02-10-2012, 07:28 PM
Miyako, it's normal to feel nervous about this kind of things!!! And it's great that you identified some of your ED thinking. Can you recognize that those are distorted thoughts, though? I can be shy - I was certainly shy when I first started dating my current bf. I had to tell him I was shy like three times because he didn't get it. But he also thinks it's sweet and endearing. You're not one of those frikkin annoying girls that are so narcissistic they can't stop talking. Being shy is not the same as being uninteresting.

By the way, I asked my bf out first. I just thought whatever, fuck it I'm gonna go for it. Since I had no other way of reaching him, I found him on fb and sent him a message asking if he wanted to get together. Later he told me he was gonna do the same thing, but wait a week (I waited three days). It was honestly the best risk I ever took. Six months later and I am soo happy with him. :)

So anyway, stop the ED self-degradation. Realistically, you know this guy enjoys your company (because if he didn't he wouldn't hang out with you). So what's the worst that can happen?

axi
02-10-2012, 07:31 PM
Go, Miyako, Go!

Seriously, go ask him.

Miyako
02-11-2012, 03:07 PM
Thanks for the encouragement! :)

Well, right now I'm not really able to label my thoughts as distorted. I get that they're ED thoughts but that's it...I'm not able to do something against them...

My guy friend actually asked me if I was shy (that was six years ago lol) and I recently told him again in case he forgot. I don't wanna come off as rude or whatever when I don't talk to him.

I don't know if going to the concert with him means really going out with him like having a date.

He's bisexual and I don't know if he'll see it as a date or just doing something together as friends. I never really know if he does something because he's friends with me and that's it or because he's friends with me and thinking of more. I don't know if he turns around to smile at me because he's my friend or because he's flirting. I don't know if he could think/thinks of me "that way" or not.

I don't even know if I really wanna be more than friends. The idea of having a relationship with someone is freaking me out. I mean I'd have to do stuff like kissing. I've never done that. At first I ran away when my guy friend wanted to hug me... I'm far behind everyone else at my age. All of my friends have been in longterm relationships for two or three years now and I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. I feel like an idiot. When all the other girls started to go out on dates and stuff, I tried to starve myself to death and isolated myself. I missed/still miss a lot because of my struggle with my ED...

So the situation is kinda difficult...I don't know much right now but what I do know is that I love spending time with this guy. He's amazing and I like him soo much which is why I wanna go to this concert with him.

pantherr
02-11-2012, 03:29 PM
Miyako - everyone gets to this stuff at their own pace. Who cares if you are "behind" some of your peers? You have been working on YOU, and that's pretty amazing.

I say ask him to the concert, and then, if you're still confused, you can consider asking him if he thinks of you as just a friend or more? In any case, you know you'll have a good time with him at the concert, and you will probably be able to figure some stuff out during it.

As far as kissing and being intimate...take it slow. There's nothing wrong with that at all. I was one of the last of my friends to get my first real kiss. And I was one of the last to get a bf. But I waited for a really good one, and it was worth it.

Ananke
02-11-2012, 03:40 PM
Hmm, you say you don't want to be more than friends, but it kind of sounds like your feelings are more complicated than that. I often want to be with someone at the same time I am afraid to be with someone. I wonder if that applies to you too in this case?

I was actually in a similar situation a few months ago, and my friend did not share my desire for something more notwithstanding my own instincts and the predictions of all of our mutual friends. In the end, I am glad I revealed myself, although I wish I had done things a little differently. I am glad that I have resolution (even if it wasn't the resolution I hoped for), but I was not prepared to hear my friend's answer at the time I asked the question. In retrospect, I should have made sure I was ready to handle the potential disappointment of being rejected even though I considered it unlikely.

At the risk of giving unpopular advice, I'd ask him to the concert as a friend, but I am not sure I'd look for anything more until you are sure you'd be OK regardless of how he feels. I agree with everyone else that his behavior seems more consistent with a romantic attachment than a friendship, but nothing is ever certain with these sort of things. However, I think he'd definitely be interested in going to a concert either way, and you should be able to rely on your friends (or pseudo-romantically attached friends) to accept you and have fun being around you even if you are feeling shy.

Ananke
02-11-2012, 03:46 PM
Miyako - everyone gets to this stuff at their own pace. Who cares if you are "behind" some of your peers? .


This too. I had a different reaction to the beginning of my ED and had the opposite problem as a result. What I have found over time is that nobody seems to care as much about your level of "experience" as you do. Guys just want reassurance that you want to be with them. As long as you let them know that taking things slowly doesn't mean you are not attracted to them, any guy worth dating will be OK with it.

Miyako
02-12-2012, 04:15 PM
Thanks for your kind words! :) I really appreciate your support! :)

So I'm not the only one being "a bit slower"? ;) It always feels like no one wants me...

My feelings are quite complicated. And I am confused.

I wrote about getting mad at him in the other thread and in the beginning of my freaking out I actually told him how much I liked him and how important he is to me and he wanted to know what exactly that meant. He asked me to tell it like it is and not somehow differently or whatever. But I wasn't sure what exactly I meant. And then I freaked out anyway and started blaming him for stupid things that weren't his fault. What he did really wasn't a big thing, normally it wouldn't have mattered but at that moment everything was way too much to handle for me. Probably a lot of small things coming together. I was sad and felt bad. I was helpless and tired of constantly telling people that things were alright when in truth they weren't. I felt worthless and hurt. I felt like I wasn't important to anyone, not even my family. What a lot of other people did seemed to prove that my ED thoughts were right, that no one cared and that I was worthless. I was so tired of fighting that voice inside my head. That voice telling me that I'm not good enough. I couldn't understand why people did the things they did. I couldn't cope with all those things and started starving myself real badly for four weeks. I was drowning in my mind. And I blamed him for everything. I said it was all his fault when in fact it clearly wasn't. He didn't know about my ED and therefore didn't know that I'm not always able to cope with feelings the way healthy people do. I still feel so bad for doing this to him even though he said he wasn't upset with me and I shouldn't worry about him.

I really love spending time with him. He takes me seriously and listens to me. And he gives great hugs. He's pretty much the only one who hugs me. (My family isn't very affectionate - at least not with me. I can break down screaming and crying and my parents will be looking at me from ten feet away not even thinking about coming near me. The only thing they ever did was telling me I wasn't good enough. They always asked me why I couldn't be like everyone else.) He gives those hugs that are all warm and safe. They remind me of those hugs I wanted when I was a child. Those hugs I never got but wanted soo badly. I always wanted to snuggle up to my parents but they wouldn't let me. It feels good to have him pulling me close so I can snuggle up to him. Sounds weird, I know...

I guess I'm more confused than I tend to realize...

pantherr
02-12-2012, 10:58 PM
Doesn't sound weird to me at ALL. I think I could literally spend an entire day with my boyfriend holding me. We don't have to talk or kiss or move. Like two puzzle pieces. So I definitely get that. Also, again I will tell you aren't the only "slow" one. I was also the last of my friends to lose my virginity (to current bf) and I felt exactly the same way about being undesirable!!! But that's just not true.

Made me sad to hear you never got the affection you needed and deserved from your parents. Physical contact is so important. I am not a touchy feely person (despite how it sounds..) and actually my bf is the first guy I've ever liked to have touch/hold me, but I've always loved snuggling with my mom and dad and watching a movie. I can't imagine what life would've been like without that.

I give this guy a thumbs up. He sounds very understanding and sincere. He also wants you to be real with him. And guys generally don't behave that way with girls they want to be 'just friends' with. So I know it's scary, but WHEN YOU'RE READY I say you should take a leap of faith and tell him how you feel. Maybe he's worried that because of the ED and your recovery, you wouldn't want him to make a move? Idk, we can't "mind read" but I'm just saying, sometimes girls have to do it first. ;)

Bottom line: you like the guy, so sometime in the future it's worth a shot.

EDIT: Also, as far as being complicated/confused, I will tell you that when I first started dating my bf I was unbelievably confused and I just kept getting more confused. Do I like him? Does he like me? Am I comfortable with this? What if I'm not good at sex? What if he meets someone else? What if I meet someone else? And on and on...until I felt comfortable enough with him and myself to just admit that I liked him and wanted to see where it went.

TennisLady
02-13-2012, 01:00 AM
Miyako,

Definitely ask him! What have you got to lose? If you don't ask him, you won't go with him. If you ask him, there's a chance he'll say yes.

Some guys are shy about asking, and especially if he knows about your ED, he may be trying to give you space.

Miyako
02-13-2012, 07:04 PM
So... First: I asked him today. The conversation went something like this:

I said: Will you be at the benefit concert next month?
He said: I don't know. I worked there last year which is why I got tickets.
(And I was like fuck, I totally forgot about that. He works at the theater but it's actually a benefit organization that sets up the concert and he jumped in last year because they needed more staff and he's pretty sure that this is what's going to happen this year as well.)
I went: I wanted to go and thought maybe you'd like to go there with me?
He said: Yes, if I'm going to work for them again and get tickets. I'm not really into having to pay for basically going to work.
(Okay, he said that kinda laughing but I get it - in case he won't work for them and get tickets, he's not really into going there.)
I said: I would buy the tickets anyway. (Because I asked him to go with me.)
He went: No, you don't need to do that, really. I didn't like the concert that much.
(And he probably thought that I thought he couldn't pay for them?)
I asked him: But if you go you'll want to go with me?
He said: Yes.
(He's pretty sure he has to work for them.)

:confused

So...If he works there before and gets tickets he will go to the concert. And that is very likely to happen and if it does he'll go with me.
Okay...I guess he thought I wanted someone to come with me because I want to go to the concert and don't want to go alone. And he was there last year because he had gotten tickets anyway and otherwise would not have been very interested in going to the concert.
I mean if he's not into the idea of going to the concert in general (with whomsoever), we don't have to go. I don't want him to be bored or whatever, we can do something else. I have no idea what but we could do something else.
What now? If he happens to work there, we'll go together.
This is not really how it was supposed to be... Kinda screwed up lol It's not like I just don't want to go alone and need someone to drag with me which is probably what he thought. Any ideas on what to do now?

pantherr:
Me too - I could spend an entire day in his arms.
My parents aren't very affectionate people. When I was a child we used to have two cats and they got all the cuddling because they were cute and I obviously wasn't. Those cats were treated like children and got all my parents love and affection without ever having to do something for it while I was trying everything to please my mom and dad and nothing was ever good enough for them so it seemed I didn't deserve their love/affection/attention. Sounds stupid and it certainly was...
I now know that they do love me somehow but are not able to show that.
I'm not a touchy feely person either, normally I don't like getting hugs and being touched. I always feel kinda trapped and very uncomfortable. I hate people getting too close...
Thanks for the kind words and your support! :) Being able to talk to someone who understand is incredibly helpful! :)

Thanks to everyone else as well, your advice is appreciated! :)