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WarriorSheep
02-10-2012, 04:37 PM
I really thought I posted this, but I guess not? Forgive me if I did.

This is causing my already high anxiety to be high.

A couple Christmases ago I was in treatment. My husband was going through boot camp and AIT. He had leave of the holidays and came to spend some time with me (had to fly out to where I was, not where we are from). On Christmas I chose to attend PHP half a day because it was safe. The hurt on his face was obvious. I feel so bad. I chose safety over caring for him. Technically, according to the program I was suppose to go, but I wish I just skipped. It hurt him so much. I vowed never to choose something safe over something that was important to him again.

Tuesday is group and Valentines Day. It is important to my husband. I wrote a note my therapist (who coleads the group)explaining all of this and left it at her office. She was not in today so I left it with a guy I had not seen before (a psychiatrist I think) which kinda makes me nervous.

Issue one: I want so bad to take back the Christmas. I want to take back the pain I caused my husband because I love him so much.

Issue two: What if she (therapist) thinks the note was stupid, or me leaving it was stupid, or I just sounded over bearing? I believe she will understand why I am missing (I was worried she would see me as selfish and frivolous since she and the other leader have to be at the group), but what if the other group members assume the worst of me?

:zoinks Help! :zoinks

axi
02-10-2012, 07:29 PM
I think that your husband should understand that at that point in time you needed to be in the program. If he had had a medical appointment, would you expect him to not go simply because it was a holiday? I think that in matters of getting better, you need to choose what will help you, even if someone may be disappointed.

Also, he can be disappointed that you weren't with him all day while understanding that you needed to go. Today I was sad because it's the first time my son was away from me since our move, but logically I know he has to go to school. Did you ever talk to him about this or are you just going with how you interpreted his feelings? You cannot take it back and maybe even you shouldn't since you probably needed the safety at that time. Also, have you asked him about his feelings on you going to group on V-day?

You have left the note. If your T thinks you need to be there, she will call you. Or why not call her to see if you can get a response faster since this is making you very nervous. The situation with her being there is slightly different since this is her job.

You sound so very concerned with how everyone else is going to take this: how do you feel about it? What do you think is best for you? Why is it so important that everyone else approve this decision?

pantherr
02-10-2012, 07:32 PM
Hi WarriorSheep,

Although I do understand your anxiety, these thoughts your having are very distorted.

In regards to Christmas, at that time you had to choose your health over what he wanted. I don't doubt it did hurt him, but that's kind of his issue more than it is yours. You have to work hard on this recovery so that you can be a good partner to him for many more years. :) Has he forgiven you? If so, what is preventing you from letting go and moving on?

Second, are you a mind reader? No. So you can't predict what your therapist or group members will think. In fact, I am positive they will be supportive, and I am sure you won't be the only one that misses Valentine's day. It's not stupid. It's a holiday and you have the right, just like anyone does, to spend it with the people you love. <****

WarriorSheep
02-10-2012, 08:01 PM
I know it was for my recovery and all that... but missing one day would not have hurt anything. Especially since he had been away for nearly a year with training and was working almost all night to afford treatment for me. I have explained my feelings about it now and he holds nothing against me.

What is preventing me from letting go? I have done so many shitty things. :sad My issues with alcohol have brought out the very worst in me. I have hit him twice when drunk. :cry That makes me an abusive spouse right? And we are not suppose to stay with them, and it means that the spouse is horrible and you are being treated awfully. :cry Not to mention all the mean/annoying things I have done a lot, lot more of but not quite to that awfulness magnitude. I quit drinking after the second time I hit him. It was just before Thanksgiving. Living with him helps me stay accountable. I have not really talked to anyone about this. Am I awful? :cry I started a thread about this in the substance abuse/self-harm forums.

So, if this really is not as drastic as I perceive, did I look like a dramatic fool in the note I left then? :ohboy

I doubt my T would call be cause she thinks I need to be there... it would be more of a... 'you are paying for this treatment and I can only try so much, you need to try too' thing. Last group the leaders expressed frustration with our lack of effort. :ugh

We talked about going to group... I just honestly asked which he would prefer, he told me, and that was that as far as my decision. He did ask my opinion and such.

She will not be in till Monday and I see her Wednesday and calling her would be more awkward since I think I already have boundary issues and am wanting to be very, very sure I am not to needy.

I have noticed that I am a mind reader (I know everyone is always thinking badly about me) and the world revolves around me (everyone is always judging me).

It is interesting that you point out distortions. It has been a while since I have tried to identify them. This situation seems so valid and real though... no distortions here. :confused

Thank you for validating my right.

It is important for my T to approve because... I really want her to like me and care a lot! I know what I want is not an option because it violates the professional relationship. It is important what the groups members think... cause I wanna be liked. :lookin

nc
02-11-2012, 12:01 AM
I think choosing to spend this day with your husband is perfectly fine if you are emotionally stable. I also think the therapist will understand.

At some point you are going to have to forgive yourself regarding the things that have happened with your husband. It sounds as though he has forgiven you so hanging on to it will only fuel behaviors and give you an excuse/justification to act out.

I think the note is fine. You might even leave a message at her office to ensure she got it. Just a short message saying you will not be in group and that you left her a note explaining why.

It sounds like you are really over thinking this and worrying more about what others will think and less about what you want/need.

WarriorSheep
02-11-2012, 05:55 AM
I am emotionally stable enough to do so. I am glad you think it is okay.

I do not deserve to forgive myself for that. Really how could I? When you find out that someone hit their spouse twice, intoxicated but still, would that not negatively color your view of that person? Would you not encourage the other spouse to get out of the relationship?

I am concerned with what others think, but I do want them to like me.