View Full Version : In need of desperate help

02-09-2012, 04:59 PM
I am so livid right now that i cannot even think of what to do in this situation. My roommate went behind my back to write a letter to a professional friend of mine, asking him to remove himself from my life. Her motives are not pure. She disclosed her feelings for me last year and I thought things were okay. I do not like women and I told her that. I disclosed to her that I was having an affair with a married man thinking if she knew just a little bit about me she would stop telling me that I do not care for her. She probes into my life and I feel obligated to tell her things. I think she enjoys this now more than ever because she thinks that she is driving a wedge between me and my married friend. I have heard all of the talk about the affair and am NOT looking to hear more. My concern is that she sent him an e-mail and forwarded it to a person she barely knows and her other friend when I specifically asked her--hell I begged her for my sanity, to keep it between us. She betrayed my trust. I received a copy of the e-mail she sent and it is making him sound like he is the only bad party in this when I am just as guilty. She coined a phrase I used in my journal and talked about continuing indiscretions. The only way she would know about any of that is if she went through my journal. I don't know how to confront her. My friend is willing to do it with me but I'm irate at the fact she is treating me like I don't have feelings. I am an adult and yet when I am around her when she is pissy, I am her target. What do I do??

02-09-2012, 05:08 PM
First of all, put a lock on your door and never have it unlocked.

Second, began to look for a new place to live

Third, let her know that she crossed a boundary that is totally unacceptable.

Why do you feel obligated to answer her questions regarding your life?

Finally, be prepared that the more that people know the more likely this man's is to find out.

02-09-2012, 05:34 PM
She would constantly tell me that I don't care about her and list not disclosing things as evidence. I am a private person and have my reasons for that--now more than ever. I guess I assumed if she knew one big thing then she would feel "closer". Lately she has been asking a lot about my past and I have been fairly liberal about surface details since I have had to share before. She made a weird comment after dinner that night of me "doing good" by telling her. I shrugged it off. I wanted to live alone from the start but she made it to where I would have no choice. She moved out here for a job. I should also mention I met her in treatment. I am desperately looking for work and already paid rent this month. I have no where else to go.

02-09-2012, 05:43 PM
This is the person that told you after treatment she has feelings for you?

It sounds as though she has a lot of issues, issues that treatment did not even begin to resolve.

I would still encourage you to keep looking, even if it means moving in with a friend after this month.

But you need to confront her and let her know that what she did broke all trust. SHe will likely try to make you feel guilty but don't buy into that. She sounds very manipulative and you need to remind yourself that is what she is doing.

02-09-2012, 05:52 PM
You truly need to get out of that apartment and warn your affair partner. I wouldn't put it past her to contact his wife if your roommate has already contacted him. Also she does not seem to have any issue telling others about your affair. Do not tell her any more details about you life, no matter how small. Start looking for a place now that you can move into, even if it is renting a room in someone's house until you can save up for a place of your own.

02-10-2012, 05:52 PM
Telling people about the affair is not the best way to keep it secret.

xxx So weird that you're talking about the betrayal of trust. What kind of person has an affair with a married man and then complains about someone betraying her trust? Yeah, what your roommate did to you was wrong, but that's karma for you.xxx

02-10-2012, 06:04 PM
Cypress - your post is more than a little judgemental! I don't think it's helpful for any of us to play moral police. Serotonin's choices might not be the same choices you'd make - but that doesn't make her a bad person who deserves betrayal and to have her privacy invaded!

Serotonin... I'm curious about your feeling of being obligated to tell her things about yourself. Where does that come from? Why the sense that you can't keep details of your life from her? You don't owe anyone information about yourself or your life - PARTICULARLY information that could be used to hurt you.

Why do you feel you need to get closer to this girl given that you become a target for her?


02-10-2012, 07:23 PM
Cypress, I agree. Your post was a little out of line. We're not here to cast value judgements on each other.

Axi, I definitely agree that you have got to get out of there ASAP. Bum on a friend's couch just until you find something else? At least put a lock on your door. This roommate of yours sounds unstable at best.

02-10-2012, 07:43 PM
Cypress, this member asked for no opinions about the affair. That is a subject that has already been written about at length and she heard everyone's opinion then.

You have been told before to stop making hateful comments to members. You have a history of this and it is not okay. If you cannot be civil when responding to members you need to find another board to post on because flaming is not and has never been allowed on SF. If you continue to respond to members in this manner your account will be suspended.

If you have any issues with what has been said to you please contact me or Kensingtong privately as you have disrupted this thread enough.

02-11-2012, 12:04 AM
I agree that putting a lock on your door would be a good idea, but you should either get your landlord's permission or make sure you don't need it before doing so. A lot of leases are very strict with respect to what you may and may not do with locks.

02-11-2012, 12:38 AM
Gosh she sounds very stalkerish.

I agree that it would be very good to investigate why you feel you need to let her feel "closer" to you. Normally with this type of person the opposite is advisable. putting firm boundaries in place and keeping obvious emotional distance. I also think its better not to suround yourself with others who are struggling when you are trying to recover. How good are you at setting boundaries with others in general?

She wanted a relationship with you at a certain point?