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Mismatched socks
02-09-2012, 09:33 AM
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm broken... Like I've always been broken but now it's coming out and everyone is worrying about me and it's like... It's a little late.

I'm getting into fights with people who care about me all of the time. I'm pushing my friends away... I don't even want to be friends with some of them anymore. I'm actually enjoying some of the drama I've started just because it's a relief. There are people I haven't really wanted to be friends with for years because they frustrate me and don't respect my space and now I've finally got a reason to push us apart.

...People are telling me that I'm scaring them.

I don't feel anything anymore, except anger and self-loathing.

I don't understand why I'm getting like this. It's not even like I've been through a lot...

I wish everyone would leave me alone. I don't understand why people worry about me. I'm worthless.

sisserbell
02-09-2012, 10:27 AM
First of all, I just want to jump through my computer and hug you. Mismatched I have been in your shoes for years now. I officially have no one left, except maybe my mom and that is hanging on by a thread. Like you, I pushed and forced everyone away. Mine was by stealing food, money and excessive lying. All around excessive and I regret every second of everything.

My hope for you is that you are recognizing what you are doing and addressing it head on. I ignored all my behaviors and didn't recognize what I was doing until it was all over. Push through and open up to one person or even journal. When you are left lane with your eating disorder, like me, it's like a slow painful death.

It hurts just to write this. Fight fishy, fight!

Skyward
02-27-2012, 01:23 AM
:hugon Mismatched socks :hugoff,

I really :ear you. Years ago I was exactly where you are now - I had a bunch of friends but I ended up pushing them all away. Some of that felt justified, like you said, but there was this underlying drive in me to destroy everything, all my relationships. Maybe you're like me in that deep down, you feel too unworthy of love and care and friendship, and so you push it all away from you.

I also went from such a nice, warm, open person to a cold, bitchy, even "scary" person. Like a personality switch.

The only advice I can offer is to get into therapy if you aren't already. I don't know the way out of this mess but I do know that support is crucial.