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View Full Version : a new guy - body image freaking out


nefretiti
02-09-2012, 04:16 AM
so this guy is so funny and interesting and positive and i like him so much. we went to the movies and had so much fun. and he gave me a few compliments, so i do know he likes me. but now is the thing:

****. he gave me compliments on how fun and interesting i was and so on about my personality not bout my looks - GREAT! i want a guy to appreciate me for my personality. BUT i think he doesn't like my body now. and somehow i think if he doesn't like my body he cannot like me. .....or maybe i don't like my body so i need him to like it and be the reason for me to say:ok, he likes it so, my body is acceptable....

****. i am scared to continue anything with him that might turn to relationship eventhough i would like to, cause i am so anxious about my body and i just hate it.

****. i think now i need to eat less and loose weight so he can like me, eventhough why would that be important, even me i like him and i don't look so much how he looks like. i mean i like that he is tall and i like his smile and smily eyes but is not so important if he is a few pound up or down. so why the hell i put on my body this kind of expectation?

please, some healthy thoughts on this. i want to continue normally to live. i am on recovery and it is getting better to live my life, i don't want this anxiety.

pantherr
02-09-2012, 11:38 AM
Hi nefretiti,

I'm happy for you that you found a guy you like (he sounds nice) :)

As far as your body-image anxieties - I have been dating my current bf for almost six months now, and I can totally relate. I felt the same way in the beginning. But you have to realize that saying stuff like "he doesn't like my body now" is ED distorted thinking. Are you a mind-reader? No. And he knows what you look like - obviously he does like your body, just like you like his, because if he wasn't attracted to you then you guys wouldn't go out together. People are simple that way. It sounds to me like he does like you. My bf didn't comment on my body on the first date! That would have been way inappropriate in my opinion. But now he compliments my body all the time.

Ok, the being scared about it turning into a relationship. I was the SAME way. I was the one that wanted things to move faster (physically) because I didn't imagine it would ever last. He was the one that slowed things down because he didn't want to "mess it up." Now I can appreciate that. He respected me more than I respected me. Anyway, it took me a couple months before I felt really comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with him, because relationships mean being open and vulnerable and that's frikkin scary. Sometimes it still is scary. But honestly, having someone to trust, or at least to laugh with, to sleep next to, to go out to movies with, etc. is worth it.

The ED is telling you to lose weight because then he'll like you more. This is another example of thought distortion. My t always tells us "don't believe the lies you tell yourself."

I hope some of that helps...again, I can totally relate to you because six months ago, I was there!!! It got harder before it got easier. Putting yourself out there is terrifying, but if he's the right guy, it really is worth the risk.

mjseven
02-09-2012, 11:59 AM
Nefretiti, I'm so glad you found a guy that you like! That's wonderful! And just because he didn't compliment you on your body, doesn't mean he doesn't like it. As for your first point, many guys are uncomfortable doing that in the beginning because they don't want to come across as creepy and weird. But complimenting your personality and interests, that's safe ground, that's probably why he stuck to those. Don't assume yet that he doesn't like your body, I bet he's just waiting for the right time to tell you :)

As for you second point, I can relate to what you said about you possibly not liking your body and needing him to like it. But our EDs often give us a skewed sense of how our bodies actually look. I understand what it means to hate your body and feel like everyone is judging it, but if he's a good guy and truly likes you, he's not judging your body. And while I believe that physical attraction is important, there is more to that than just your body. I know you're anxious and are considering backing out, but part of recovery is being good to yourself, and I think finding a healthy relationship with a good guy is being good to yourself. Please don't back out! Prove to yourself that you are worth this guy, because you most definitely are :)

As for your third point, it's interesting how we expect so much more out of ourselves when we don't look so deeply into others. I do the same thing with my bf. He's gained a good amount of weight since we first met, but I love him no less. But I feel like if I gain one pound he'll be disgusted with me and no longer find me attractive. However, that type of thinking is completely irrational. Any good person, who cares about you genuinely, likes/loves you for so much more than your body. Do not ever, ever, ever loose weight because you want someone to like you. If any person doesn't like you for the person you are in this moment, then they aren't worth it. You ARE beautiful, and you DESERVE someone who sees that in you :)

I'm so happy for you to find someone, I want you to be happy too! I understand your anxiety, but allow yourself this chance to be with someone who seems to be great. I'm curious, how did you guys meet? Did he ask you out, or did you ask him?

nefretiti
02-10-2012, 07:57 AM
pantherr,

i agree, it would be inappropriate to coment on my body or sth on the first date and also, if he told me i am cute or beautiful, anything that has to do with my looks i would think just another ass*ole looking for sex. so actually i like the fact of him comenting on my personality but i just get scared when he didn't mention physical attraction.....it's complicated but i used to talk that with my t - when they like my body i hate them cause it reminds me of rape and makes me feel like an object, but when they like me as a person i try to find a reason to aprove my ed thoughts that hate my body.

well, funny thing i use sex as a way of blocking my thoughts and searching for approval and not to bond with a person. so now i'm freaking out cause i am experiancing those strong feelings of actually wishing physical relationship but with strange desire to bond and not with lust or passion. and it is scary cause i don't believe there is sex as an expression of love. and that scares me, so i don't even want to be physical now. i am scared i would just be hurt. plus body issues, cause i really like him i would actually care more how it is going to be when we do have sex, so it is not just automatical thing and that is scary too.

mjseven,

well, i am aware that our bodies change all the time and they will change, and that for love and attraction it is not how thin you are but more about so many other sences and bond that you create trough interaction, comunication and so on....anyways we will get older, we cannot look the same all the time. and i guess ur right, i do want someody to love me for me as a person that i am, and he is always encouraging me to be as i am and as i want to be, and it is so nice, he told me yesterday over the text when i said i don't wanna talk bout my family (he asked sth bout them) he said he doesn't actually want to know about them but about me who i am what i am doing and so on. so i liked that somebody is interested in me, my thoughts and interests, my wishes. but i get so scared. cause i was alwayes judged by my appearance. it is so hard to get rid off that. at least it is hard to just be and act as i feel like. i don't know....

and well, he asked me out in the end. and he asked me out again. so i guess it is a good sign. he also comented that people look at me on the street but if they would talk to me they would stare even more- i was puzzled and then i asked what that meant - he said he meant that as a complient...so maybe he does like me in the end....

mjseven
02-10-2012, 09:24 AM
Ok, so I'm being totally honest here, this is what I think he meant about looking at you in the street. He's saying people look at you on the street because you're beautiful, but if they had the guts to actually approach you and talk to you, they would stare even more because they'd realize that you're so much more three dimensional than your looks. You are fun, you're smart, you have a good personality, etc. And I am truly not saying that just to say it, that's how I interpreted what he said as an outside observer. Wow, he sounds like a great guy :) Again, I think he's trying to say in an appropriate way that he finds you beautiful. And I agree with what pantherr said above (at least I think this is what you meant, I apologize if I'm putting words in your mouth) that we go out with someone because we're physically attracted with them. We stay because there's so much more. He asked you out because he likes you, he's asking you out again because he realized he made a great choice in asking you out. And that is wonderful because he sees more than your physical appearance.

As for what you said about sex not being an expression of love, that made me very sad to hear that. I know I don't know your past, but you mentioned something about rape. I am not trying to make you uncomfortable or asking you to expand on that, please don't mistake me. But have you talked to your T about your thoughts on sex? And that's ok if you don't want to be physical now. I actually think that's a good thing because it sounds like you need to be reassured by him that this isn't just a physical attraction before youíd be comfortable enough for sex. You have sex when you're ready and not a second before. For me, sex is about trusting another person while being completely vulnerable emotionally and physically. Itís about sharing a personal and intimate moment with the one you love. Itís about each kiss, touch, and caress that tells you this person loves you enough to open up to you in the most passionate and intimate way they can. Itís about having fun and enjoying yourself, and if you donít think youíre going to enjoy it, then wait until youíre ready. I know itís difficult to let go of body anxiety when youíre having sex, and it took me about a year before I was even somewhat comfortable. But if youíre with the right person that loves you for you, they will help you accept your body and help you to see sex as an expression of love.

Good luck, and please give this guy a shot. You deserve to be loved and respected for every part of who you are, and it sounds to me that thatís what heís trying to do. I just want you to be happy, so do what you feel will bring you the greatest happiness :)

pantherr
02-10-2012, 10:44 AM
The ED is funny that way. It's never satisfied. But can you try to just accept the compliment(s) without self-degredation? Even if you feel the thoughts coming up, like "well if you only knew.." just zip it and say thanks. Eventually they may start to penetrate.

I agree with mj, that compliment sounded like first they'd stare because you're pretty, and then if they talked to you they'd stare because you have a great personality to go with it. :)

I also agree that it made me sad to think about sex as purely physical. You should take things slow so the experience isn't tainted or uncomfortable for you. But yeah, it can be an expression of love. With my bf, when we kiss or look at each other, it erases those negative body image thoughts I have about myself. I know how sexy he thinks I am, so in that moment, I can trust that.

See, he did ask you out again :) I'm excited for you. Take it one day at a time. When you're ready, you're ready.

nefretiti
02-11-2012, 06:40 AM
mjseven,
that is wonderful what you wrote about intimacy, i was touched...yet, i hav a BIG problem with that. true intimacy is freaking me out. especially cause i was living in a very disruptive home and begun to be codependant. later on i was hurt and felt betrayed more and more, so i just sturted blocking all of the feeling i didn't know how to handle. so now it is overwhelming even expressing care and love cause i hope they would just erupt and suffocate the other person. i also don't wanna be hurt any more....irony is i am hurt anyways, cause blocking of my true loving self (cause i am a person in fact that funcions the best with other ppl and i do get the best of me only when i am involved with others) is making more harm to me then to others. maybe i should just let go of my anxiety and try, but it is hard work every time.

and i didn't talk to my t about my thoughts of sex. i think it is the time to do so. we started to work on suting off feeling and codependancy, but it is the scary part the one about sex, cause it has to do with my childhood and my father and it is freaky that i just recently started realising how my relationship with my father affected my interpretation of love and sex and is troubling me so much...

pantherr,
it's hard to believe compliments. i tend to see malintention in each compliment....but it's funny, he wrote the other day "nighty night princess (fllowed by blushing smily)" and i saw that in the morning and i was so happy and it felt so good. to b called princess and to hav that blushing smily. maybe because for me being princess has all special connotations and maybe because blushing when you say a compliment to me looks more honest then just throwing compliments at ppl as if they meant nothing.

huh, i had this great anxiety last night. i told him i am free from ****pm. so i thought he would call me to go out tomorrow cause we said we will go today or tomorrow depending when i'm free. but he didn't call. so i had that huge panick attact, that anxiety, worrying that i will loose that nice feeling i had and so on...codependancy working....but i decided to cool down, went for a walk, for a lemonade, watched fountains, read....today i get a msg "so ....you don't wanna go out with me again?" so tonight we r going out. anxiety again....i'll keep posted.

mjseven
02-14-2012, 11:45 AM
He sounds like a genuine guy, nefretiti, he truly does. And it's okay if you have anxiety about intimacy, especially if there's a reason from past experiences. But I think it's good that you feel it's time to talk about that with your T. And like I said before, don't do anything until you're comfortable doing it. You don't want to regret moving too fast. I've never met anyone who regretted moving too slow, but I know many who regret moving too fast. But I'm curious, do you think you can truly accept that this guy likes you for all that you are? Do you trust that anyone can see a side of you that you don't particular like and still like/love you?

And I understand you not wanting to be hurt. But I agree that you should try and have a go with this relationship. Don't regret letting someone go that you have genuine feelings for. It may be uncomfortable right now at times, but if he's truly worth it, and if he continues to treat you like a gentleman, then he's worth you working through that. I feel that you are very deserving of love and being in this relationship, but I wonder, do you feel like you deserve love, nefretiti? Do you feel you deserve this relationship?

I'm trying to understand your anxiety, so forgive me if I'm wrong, but are you anxious because you think this guy is really great and you're afraid it will end up not working out for him and you'll be the one left hurt and wanting?

I'm sorry to pose so many questions, and I do apologize if I overstepped my bounds. I'm just so excited for you and I wish I could take your anxiety so you could have a carefree time with him like you deserve to have. You deserve to be treated like a "princess," and if this guy is as great as he sounds, then you deserve him. I know you're anxious, but it sounds like he's worth facing your fears for. Just remember, you are beautiful, you are worthy of love, you are a good person, and you deserve to be with something that makes you happy. Let us know how it's going!

nefretiti
02-15-2012, 12:57 AM
mjseven,

hm...i think u r right...i don't like myself and i actually have rarely experienced anybody loving me for whoever i was. so i am just stunned here....especially now....and i guess i have been with so many "bad" guys that weren't treating me as they should have, so i am just not used to this nice treatment....

it's so scary. and so wonderful at the same time. i tried to let go of my anxiety. he wanted to spend the whole day together yesterday. so i said yes. he came in the morning and we really spent the whole day talking, cooking, watching tv, we went to the movies...and this is the first time i totally let go of my schedule for the day, and most of my anxiety. i was with no make up, in my home baggy clothes, and guess what - he was still telling me i as amzingly beautiful, he said "look, there is no make up and u r still so amazingly beautiful"...blush :) it's strange and nice, but this guy doesn't feel treatening. his compliments doesn't feel fake. he doesn't feel like he just wants to get to bed with me. and it was scary when he said he likes my thies and my hips....i thought gosh no, i hate them, they r f*t. but i just did as you said, i said thank you and smiled and later on it was better, he actually said he liked it and he had that genuine smile and teneder look in his eyes...he might like it actually...

but now it all just feels so strange, so unusual....i mean i am not used to somebody being so tender with me. i haven't experienced that from my parents or from my boyfriends....maybe once or twice sth similar...but i don't even remember because i was deep in my ed at those times....this now just makes me wanna cry, from happiness....

mjseven
02-15-2012, 03:28 PM
I am mentally jumping up and down in excitement for you!! Yay!! Ok, step back for a moment and think about what you did.

A. You were so anxious about going out with him for a date, and then you spent a whole day with him. Awesome!

B. You were so worried about your appearance, and you wore no make-up and wore baggy clothes. Umm, can you say fantastic?!

C. He still thought you were beautiful and you let yourself feel that instead of hiding from it. Holy. Moly. AMAZING!

I'm so happy that you faced your anxiety and put yourself outside of your comfort zone. There are people out there that WILL and DO love you for who you are. And you are deserving of that love. If this guy continues to show it and prove that to you, then that's great! I'm sorry that you've never received tenderness from others, and that this feeling is new to you. But I'm SOOOO happy you're feeling it now, because you deserve it.

I hope this guy is helping you to love your body, mind, and self more. I hope he's helping you to see how beautiful you truly are in reality. Now, it sounds like he's being more forward with his compliments of you, so I will say again, you make sure you're ready for every step of this relationship. I know we've discussed intimacy before, you just make sure YOU are ready and that YOU take your time. If he's worth it, he will respect that. And believe me, intimacy means even more and is much more enjoyable when you are both ready :)

I'm so happy for you and good for you for facing your anxiety! Keep with the updates!! And you keep standing up to your anxiety and allowing yourself the happiness you deserve!! :)

nefretiti
02-23-2012, 06:37 PM
huh this was hard and strange but i did it! :spinny i managed to overcome my anxiety and take of my clothes, and it felt so strange, i didnt feel like object at all, and he said my body was as if somebody modeled it (????). and he asked me if i wanted to be his girl as girlfriend and to be together as a couple....so strange to ask that as we are not teenagers any more, but someow was so nice to feel appreciated and wanted not only likea body but also like a person....i feel so happy. thanks mj seven for support.:yay

pantherr
02-23-2012, 07:27 PM
Ahhhha I'm so happy for you. :lubdub what a NICE compliment, such an eloquent and respectful way to say he thinks you're beautiful. My bf says sweet stuff like that a lot more than I think I deserve it, and it's funny...but after a while I did start to internalize it. New relationships and getting to know someone is so fun :cute

melissa.anne
02-23-2012, 08:33 PM
Awwww! I just jumped into this thread and oh my goodness! This guy sounds wonderful. It is great when you feel wanted for both your body and mind.
I hope this relationship is happy and healthy!

nefretiti
02-24-2012, 06:39 AM
pantherr, nice indeed.... i loved the way he expressed himself....actually i love the way he expresses himself in general....i hope it helps me to internalise...

melissa, yes, he seems so wonderful....i hope he stays that way....:cute

mjseven
02-24-2012, 12:17 PM
I'm so glad you're happy, nefretiti, I sincerely, sincerely am :)