View Full Version : commonsense guidelines for meeting an online dater

02-05-2012, 10:46 AM

I decided to try online dating after not dating for a really long time.
I'm going to be meeting someone I was emailing with and while it's nice, i'm kind of wary and paranoid and feel totally out of my depth also.
I also worry because i can tend to be swept away or not have good judgment, and can also be too quick to judge and shut down. :ohboy

Does anyone have experience or just advice for setting guidelines for myself about this experience?

like, i'm thinking so far:
-Start off small, first date where we're just meeting in person for the first time should be shortish. like coffee or pub trivia. it's ok to not commit to a long day or something.
- Stay in public places
- No physical contact really, or nothing beyond a kiss on the cheek if that actually happens. (i really do need to know i have a rule on this. )
- He'll probably be nervous too and it's just to be expected that things are awkward, so i should give him a chance,
- have some conversation topics ready
- have a friend know where i'll be and with who
- figure out exactly what personal info i'll be sharing and what i won't (?)

any comments on that or suggestions?
Do I sound batty and overthinking? I think this will be helpful.


02-05-2012, 10:56 AM
Well this is exciting :cutie

Not batty!!! Brave and pro active and exciting.

Love the list, can't think of anything else.

Maybe the one like in the movies where a friend can rescue you by you sending a coded text. And her ringing you with an emergency. Lol

02-05-2012, 10:56 AM
Hi Mollyo,

I tried online dating a couple of years back. It was fun, I met some lovely people and I pretty much followed the safety guidelines that you are setting out. I think it's absolutely fine to do a really small first date, maybe just an hour for coffee. I would agree with all the rules that you have come up with, especially the one about someone knowing where you are and who you are with (and not letting the date guy persuade you to go somewhere else once you've met up - I had a date with a guy who was really keen to change locations on me once I got there and i wouldn't..... I neveer heard from him again so I feel I made the right decision in sticking to the arrangements I made in the beginning).

I also made sure that I avoided alcohol on the first few dates, until I got to know the person a bit (easy for me, I don;t drink very often anyway) because I am aware that my tolerance for alcohol is low and thus my thinking gets impaired quite quickly.

I totally don't believe that you are overthinking this. There are millions of lovely people out there and on dating sites, but you have to take precautions to ensure that you are safe from the few bad apples that are out there.

Good luck on the date and I hope you have a lovely time!

:gimmehug Shrimps

02-05-2012, 06:17 PM
I think the most important things is to absolutely follow your gut. I've tried it too times the first time I ignored my gut and it didn't turn out good and the second time it felt right and it turned out much better.

02-05-2012, 06:23 PM
Well done Mollyo.

I love your list and agree with every point. It is a smart and forward thinking approach to have.

I will add that most people I have spoken to who have done this dating stuff give the guy a few dates to see how they feel unless they cant stand the guy for some reason.

Once the first date is over and done with you can post about the second.

The important thing is to have your boundaries and then try to just be yourself and enjoy.
Many I know find it helpful to think of it as merely meeting people and enjoying that and that if anything develops from it it is a bonus.

Its just a little adventure.

Ps. Oh and remember like catsilove said that your feelings and intincts and thoughts are important. Dont ignore them.

02-06-2012, 12:31 PM
Great list!

I agree that both people can be nervous and it is a good idea to give people a second chance unless there are huge red flags.

I would say that short is definitely best--it might be good to actually have somewhere you have to go afterwards. Or else, you could plan on it being short and if you are having a really good time, you can extend it--but really, I think shorter is better and then you can always get together again soon!

I think that you can decide at the time how much to share about things--in general, aside from general safety stuff (like where you live, etc.) you can assess based on your comfort what and how much to share--and also can go by how much he shares.

A few things to add:
-when you meet someone online, a lot of the first meeting can be about reconciling your expectation with the actual person (as they can be very different!) so defintely be open to learning more before writing someone off
-Casual is best--in terms of not having to pay too much or having him pay too much (often the guys treat) and then feeling like you "owe" someone another date or something
-Each date is a learning experience--what you like or don't like are equally valuable pieces of info.

And yes, try to view it as a fun experience--either way you'll have a story!!

Have fun--let us know how it goes.

02-07-2012, 01:31 AM
I met my husband online!

I would definitely go with the rules about staying in public and letting someone know where you are. Beyond that, I would say just do what feels comfortable once you meet. My husband and I went to coffee shop the first time we met in person...but we enjoyed hanging out together so much we went out for dinner afterwards. :)

Stay safe and have fun!

02-07-2012, 07:55 AM
Thanks all!

02-14-2012, 08:19 PM
Just wanted to let you know that i did it!
I went out with someone.
it was mild and fun.
it really helped to have some of this stuff thought out and feeling in control.
Also saw a friend before and after.
thanks again.

02-15-2012, 12:49 AM
:hairy yay !!!!!

02-15-2012, 03:32 AM
Awesome!! Go Mollyo!