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View Full Version : Really Down Right Now- Dating Sucks


SnowbuddyM
02-03-2012, 10:34 PM
Hey everyone. Anyways, I was skeptical about meeting guys online but since I can't seem to meet anyone at graduate school, I went for getting an account on an online dating site. Most of the people who messaged me seemed like creepers, but I ended up really connecting with one guy. We messaged a lot back and forth and finally met up for a first date last weekend. It went great- we talked a lot, he paid for dinner, and we left it that we want to see each other again. We texted and talked on Facebook all week. He asked me if I was free for what I thought was tonight. I said yes and straightened my hair this morning and did laundry and then found out he meant next Friday. I said OK, it really was a legitimate misunderstanding. He apologized, I apologized- we left it that we'd try to meet up again next weekend. I was already bummed as I now am spending Friday night alone, but was cheering up since I have plans for tomorrow and Sunday with other friends. However, about an hour ago, I check his facebook and he has changed his default picture to one of just him with his arm around some girl. She's gorgeous. And she's not his sister. I mean, I understand taking photos with girls- I have plenty of photos of me with guys who are platonic friends and whatnot, but they aren't my default picture.
What is wrong with me?

Alethea
02-04-2012, 01:11 PM
There is nothing wrong with you! When you do online dating, you're going to meet people who are on there for reasons of their own, which may not be the same as your reasons. But there are other people on there who are lovely. I would just say, don't take it too seriously because if you do, you put too much pressure on yourself.

But that aside, I think you need to see that you have loads of great qualities, and you will meet the right person one day - but it doesn't have to be now. Maybe focus more on time with your friends, having fun, putting your time and energy into yourself.

I'd view something like online dating as a chance to meet people and have fun, go out, dance, but don't go on there looking for the love of your life.

You have plenty of time to meet the perfect person and just because you haven't yet, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

pourlikerain
02-04-2012, 02:44 PM
SnowbuddyM,

I have tried online dating and there are lot of guys who just want a booty call. I have met some cool people, but like Alethea said, don't go on expecting to find the love of your life. Many people do find that, but there are LOT of guys on there who are looking for something else. And then I have found guys who lie about who they are, etc.

I would just use it to connect and make friends! And also--don't read too far into things. If he says he wants to connect next Friday, I say still go for it! At least you could make a new friend maybe!

Let me know what happens. I am thinking about you and praying! Online dating can be a rough scene sometimes.

best of luck!

BTW- I am as single as ever and I have a hard time not being with a guy. It is SO hard. My friend just challanged me to **** months without dating, so that is what I am doing right now. It is HARD! But she reminds me that the right guy is out there and I don't want to worry and keep trying so hard. SO I am just trying to focus on being myself and learning about me right now in this period of my life.

little_phoenix
02-04-2012, 03:10 PM
awh,



I dunno though. Sounds like I would completely let it go, and maybe wait if he calls you. If he does, be nice to him, but don't be too keen on meeting him. Tell him that you have a girls' night planned, and that you can do some other day.

Guys sometimes put hot girls in their pictures, but it doesn't mean the girl is actually dating them. And who knows, it might also be his way to appear desirable. And if not, then you will most definitely find someone else.

I know how these facebook things can hurt. My ex-love.. he befriended this girl, and now they are married.. and I sort of watched all of it through facebook. I really loved him, and tried to think what was wrong with me. Hmm. He just wasn't into me, and I'd like to think we wouldn't be happy together anyways.

*hugs*

dermaline
02-05-2012, 07:46 PM
Snowbuddy,

I really think you need to be careful about jumping to conclusions here. It possibly is as you think but you just don't know.
She could be his cousin for all you know.

Did he give you his facebook info?

SnowbuddyM
02-06-2012, 10:39 PM
Thank you all for your replies. I'm not sure how to handle. I mean, I really don't think its a good sign. The only time I've ever had a default pic that was just me and one guy was when I was in a relationship. I don't think its a family member as looking through his Facebook pics, there are other pics of her with him and his friends. I really don't think its weird to have a pic with a girl- I mean, I have tons of pics of me with guys- but they aren't my default picture. H

The weird thing is- he did friend me on facebook. he knows I see it. He has even been commenting on my posts with the new picture. He still has been texting throughout the day to tell me funny things about politics and such. I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to act jealous but I'm really not interested in dating someone who is insensitive or a player.

nc
02-06-2012, 11:21 PM
So now he is an insensitive player? You have been on one date with this poor guy and because of a picture of someone whom you don't even know you have decided this guy is guilty.

If he was concerned about you seeing this picture he would not have posted it. If he was dating this girl why would friend and then interact with you? If he is a player then he is the stupidist player there ever was.

What I do think this shows is that you are not ready to date. I have encouraged you over and over again to return to therapy for your black and white thinking and other distorted thoughts and to me this again highlights your inability to see outside of one perspective and it is likely a very distorted perspective. If after one date you are this insecure over one picture and ready to condemn this guy for doing nothing more than changing his profile picture then I would encourage you to do some work on your self-worth before trying to start a relationship.

Alethea
02-07-2012, 07:28 AM
I do agree with what some of the others have said - about not jumping to conclusions and not reading too much into it. It sounds like you are torturing yourself over this when really it doesn't have to be such a big deal (not to minimise what you're feeling but you don't know what the picture is about and there's no point trying to guess).

I think you're over-thinking it.

And I still think you need to focus on being happy with yourself and your life and not put so much pressure on yourself with the dating thing. It is nice to have a boyfriend, but only when you're able to enjoy it, without lots of fears holding you back.

SnowbuddyM
02-07-2012, 07:08 PM
NC, I did not call him an insensitive player. If you go back and read my post, I said I don't want to date someone who is insensitive or a player. I am also not accusing him of anything. I think you are misreading my post. I don't think he's having sex with or that she's his girlfriend necessarily. While you are wiser than me in many ways, but as someone who is of the younger generation, I think I can read facebook pretty well. All I am saying is that, where I come from, if someone's profile picture is them hugging a member of the opposite sex it usually means they are in a relationship. I remember a few years ago a platonic friend of mine changed his profile picture to one of just me and him (it wasn't even as intimate as the one I'm talking about in my post) and everyone at my school thought we were dating. Also, speaking personally, I know that if I was on an online dating site and looking to meet people (which I am), I would not post a profile picture of myself hugging a guy. Maybe I'm nuts, but I wouldn't. Now I have tons of platonic guy friends, I have tons of pictures with them, but I've never made them my profile picture. So I think my concerns are justified. I haven't decided on how to handle the situation but that was what I was looking for advice on.

Ananke
02-07-2012, 08:02 PM
Maybe I am missing something, but why don't you just ask him. Something like, "by the way, who is that with you in your profile picture?" seems like a perfectly normal question someone would ask out of curiosity, and his answer will likely explain how she came to be in the photo in the first place.

It does kind of seem like you are jumping to conclusions here. I don't agree that being in a profile picture = romantic relationship. Maybe that is the custom in some groups, but it isn't universal.

dermaline
02-07-2012, 08:14 PM
I asked as if he he knows you have seen his facebook page and even encouraged you to see it then why on earth would he do so if he is a player? A pretty poor player methinks. Maybe I am missing something but it just doesn't make sense.

Why don't you ask who the girl is?

sflathinker
02-07-2012, 08:44 PM
My girlfriend updates her profile pic all the time, usually with another friend, sometimes a guy. Unless someone changes their relationship status...then you shouldn't assume anything. Dating is just dating until it's a relationship. I wouldn't assume I am exclusive with someone and I wouldn't be offended to find out they are talking to other women, friends or potential interests while they are getting to know me. The concept of dating is to find the most suitable partner. You should also be pursuing people, that's what online dating is for, an opportunity to meet people you would not meet in person. The way I usually handle situations...if I get an uncomfy feeling in my gut, then I am on alert. If the guy continues to do things that make me feel that we aren't on the same page with values, interests, etc...then I don't see him anymore. I know myself pretty well, and as a result it's made dating easier. Trust that if you and he jib, that it won't matter if he updates his photos with other girls...we spend time with people who make us feel good.

TennisLady
02-07-2012, 11:38 PM
Snowbuddy, She could be a promo model that he just took a photo of, at a fitness expo or something. I've seen guys do that.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions just based on a photo on Facebook. Yeah if he has a ton of women leaving him messages on his wall to get together tonight, that's a red flag, but you don't know the full story.

At least you still have next weekend planned! Second and third dates are tough to get online, as usually people are dating a lot of others on there and trying to fit everyone in. If he said next weekend, then that's promising!

catsIlove
02-08-2012, 01:07 AM
I would not jump to conclusions some people have pictures with family members that are opposite sex and if you didn't know it you would think they are their significant other. You can't make assumptions black and white about what kind of pictures peope put up on facebook. Your experience may be that it is significant others but my experience is that it is not. Actually I think if a guy is able to be friends with girls that makes up an upstanding individual because he would obviously have to respect women to have them wanting to be his friends.

SnowbuddyM
02-08-2012, 09:33 PM
Thank you all for your replies. I certainly feel a lot less black and white on the matter now. I must rule out the possibility she is some sort of model- she is clearly someone in his group of friends, and they were clearly at a local bar. I guess I'm not surprised he is hanging with other girls- I expect it- heck, I just got back from having a beer with three men and one woman from my grad program. However, I just think considering that there were plenty of photos taken that night, I don't know why someone looking to date would pick one of them hugging one girl to put as their default, but I do realize I have to understand that I think differently from other people.

That being said, I guess I just get a bad feeling in my gut. To be honest, I wasn't all that keen on online dating. Two of my friends found guys on this site and have been encouraging me to sign up for months. And the guys my friends found on this site are not really that nice- I don't think they treat my friends well, and my one friends' boyfriend was openly hitting on the bartenders at my graduation party. I finally relented because its been really lonely and hard to meet people in graduate school.

dermaline
02-08-2012, 10:14 PM
I know three people who are married and met their partners this way but it certainly isnt for everyone.

It seems you were maybe waiting for it to go wrong. ?

I also wonder if you are a bit jealous when in a relationship.

Why would you having a drink with three men and one women fom your grad programme be in any way relevant?! :confused

I would be interested to hear what you think a relationship looks like. From when one first meets to when one is married.

???

You are still making assumptions about him and about this girl when you really know nothing.

Remember that you can always spell out your idea of a what a relationship looks like to people that you meet. If you dont speak up they wont know what you are expecting.

lifewithout
02-09-2012, 04:07 AM
I met my boyfriend online and it is a great relationship. Many people meet online and have much success -- just on certain sites you really need to weed out the not so great ones. What I'm saying is don't rule it out yet.

Also, for what it's worth, here's my advice on the situation: stop overthinking. You only met him once and it's impossible to know what he's thinking with that profile picture. From my perspective, it probably means nothing. If he knows you, as a girl he is dating, is seeing it, then honestly it's probably nothing. That said, again, you only met him once. He may very well be a not so great one. Impossible to tell. The best approach is to give him a chance but not take it too seriously or get your hopes up too much. If I were you, I'd stop worrying about it and go on another date with him but not expect too much. It's always better to have low expectations at first when dating as the vast majority of dates end before they get to the relationship stage, therefore, low expectations avoids having hopes dashed.

unnaturalone
02-09-2012, 07:14 AM
I would be interested to hear what you think a relationship looks like. From when one first meets to when one is married.


Maybe this question would be good as a thread alone, but I'm interested to know thoughts on this as I don't think I have a clue as to what a healthy relationship looks like. I am on a self-imposed dating moratorium (for at least a year) to work on myself, my eating disorder issues, and try to be stronger so I can attract a strong and healthy partner. Just worried I won't know what that looks like.

sflathinker
02-09-2012, 08:43 AM
Lots of people will stay with bad people, because they don't stick up for themselves or don't feel they deserve better. Online is no different than meeting someone in person, you will have the same insecurities and you find yourself fantasizing about who they might be without knowing them first...don't friend them on facebook, it only creates unnecessary drama in your head.

SnowbuddyM
02-11-2012, 02:34 PM
Why would you having a drink with three men and one women fom your grad programme be in any way relevant?!

I think this is very relevant. My point is that I have lots of friends who are guys and take lots of pictures with guys, but they aren't my default. My point is also that I think its good for people to have friends of both sexes.

Perhaps, my worries do stem from past experiences. I had two relationships not work out because the guys couldn't cope with me being away at a prestigious university. They kept saying I would meet a really smart dude at school and not want them anymore. This hurt tremendously, as I liked both of them. The one was paranoid about the various guys from school that would write on my Facebook wall and that sometimes hung out with my group.

.