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pandaz
02-03-2012, 11:03 AM
I've been living alone for almost two years now. My friend has an open spot in her place. I told my boyfriend I was considering it because I'm sick of living alone and scared of myself alone because of my ED. He and I have only been together for maybe six or seven months (super long for me) and he has these elaborate plans: his lease is up in August and he wants me to move in with him...
My fears:
I don't want to loose him by moving in with someone else but I feel like it is too soon. And he sometimes comes off super controlling. My best friend thinks he manipulates me (I think I do have a tendency to date overly controlling men due to my feelings of my inability to control myself and the sense of stability I think I get from them).
I feel like I'm not good enough for him- he's ambitious and has goals and is successful and what he does; I'm a mess floundering in a dead end job.
I get slightly jealous that he makes more money than I and I get jealous when he hangs with other people and I know it's irrational. And it scares me that I am getting so attached to him, terrifies me because he likes me, cares about me, and even after six/seven months I can't believe that he is still with me..
I can't live alone. I don't want to loose him-I don't think I will; I just wish I could feel confident and be ok with him liking me and caring for me. I would love to live with him but it scares me so much being hat dependent on one person. I feel like I need my independence but I hate how I treat myself...

mjseven
02-03-2012, 11:52 AM
I'm sorry this is a struggle for you, Pandaz. First of all, I would say that any person (male or female) that would leave their significant other if they didn't move in with them after only six or seven months is not someone you should be with anyway. He should respect that if you're not ready, you're not ready. If you had been dating for years and you're still unsure, this may be a different story. But if this has been one of your longest relationships, he should understand and respect that you may not be ready for that step.

But don't say you aren't good enough for him; you are far more than what kind of job you have. You may not be where you want to be right now, but that doesn't mean you can't get there. There are so many more facets to who you are, so don't get too down on yourself because he has a "better" job than you.

I can totally relate to those feelings of "why on EARTH are you still with me?" I know the crap I've put my bf through, not just with my ED but other things as well, and it amazes me to this day that he still loves me. But if you really think about it, I but you've had to put up with a lot of his stuff too. Relationships are give and take; sometimes you may be the one to dish it out, sometimes you will be the one taking it. But it sounds like you're really hard on yourself and that you are, as you say, more of a dependent personality. Are you staying in this relationship because you like the idea of having someone there, or are you in this relationship because you really like him?

And you can be confident! I know you have it in you! And I understand what you mean by you wanting your independence but you don't want to continue to treat yourself the way you do. In my opinion, you will have more independence moving in with your friend and hopefully he/she can help you with your behaviors as well. Moving in with a bf/gf should be a fun, exciting experience. If you at all feel scared like it sounds like you're feeling now, then I don't think now's the right time for you. It's ok to build your relationship in separate apartments, and you need to stand up for you right now. Do what you think is best for you, Pandaz. In which apartment do you think you will be able to work on your independence, confidence, behaviors, etc. the best? Your friends' place or your bfs'?

Also, I truly hope he's not manipulating you and isn't too over-controlling. You said he sometimes comes off as super controlling, can you expand on this? People like that often prey on your dependency and won't ever release their hold on you. They know how to keep your confidence low so you feel like you can never leave them because no one else could possible love you. I truly hope this isn't the case for you, because you are worth so much more than that. I wish you the best in making your decision, but no matter, do what you feel is the best choice to keep you happy and healthy.

lifewithout
02-18-2012, 04:03 AM
My two cents: six months is too soon!

That's just me though, but beyond that, what raises a red flag for me is all the doubts and anxieties you are having about the idea. Your intuition is clearly telling you not to do that at this time and I think that's something worth listening to. Intuition rarely guides wrong.