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View Full Version : when your male friend screws it all up...


nefretiti
01-29-2012, 10:03 AM
so, i hav this friend for some time. he was very nice and kid to me. our relationship developed. and i strated trusting him. we talked a lot. had nice time when we would mee. i was keeping distance though....always afraid it could be too much. then i realised he really cared about me cause he went out of his way so many times just to see me. and he was giving me my space, too. i liked that.

then there was this thing. he actually liked me. so....my best friend was kinda mediating there, she wanted to see us together cause i liked him and he was a nice guy. i let it just be as it was until one day he told me he liked me, we kissed, he wanted more, i said "lets take it slowly". i didn't want to rush cause i i'm trying to recover from my troubled realtionships and patterns i uset choose men.

i was particularly thinking this "giving me space" could be actually what might get me into trouble.

so it was good in the begining, and it lasted so short. he started not calling, not answering, not making any efforts after we slept together.

persoally, i was happy and relieved cause i don't really want a relationship while i am trying to sort things out in my head and be able to be in a healthy relationship. BUT! one BIIIIG BUT! he was my fried firstly and he started acting as if he was not any more.

We didn't manage to talk about it so i just dropped the story. and i realised that giving me space was actually takig space for himself, and that was the thing from the very start. anyways, the thing that is bothering me here is that i thought he was my friend and he could be honest with me. but he was obviously not. and avoiding to talk over this is for me just a matter of not being brave enough to face consequencies and express your oppinion. and maybe it is better if he was never my real friend to just know it now instead of living and not being aware of that. but it makes me kinda sad and disappointed and it's a pity....

still haven't talked to him. and i think i don't want to. on the other hand i would really love to tell him what i thought he was and what he meant to me ad thata now it is all just blank. i want him to be aware that i understand what happened and that it is gone now.

pantherr
01-29-2012, 06:22 PM
Sorry to hear that this guy is not acting like much of a friend. I understand why you don't want to talk to him, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with telling him (as a friend of course) that ignoring you is immature and that he let you down. I give you this advice as someone who has a lot of trouble sticking up for myself - so if you did that, could I live vicariously through you? (Kidding, kind of). But really, if you want answers you deserve them. And there may be something else going on with him...like you said, he was probably 'taking space for himself,' and I wonder why..? Sounds like he was scared of something (maybe that you didn't like him the way he like(d) you?).

SnowbuddyM
01-29-2012, 09:45 PM
I know this must be really hard for you, and I agree that it is certainly wrong of him to stop treating you like a friend, especially without an explanation.

However, I know from speaking to some of my guy-friends and from my own experience, that it is near-impossible to be just friends with someone after a relationship starts or after one person develops romantic feelings for the other. You have a right to want to take things slow and to not want to get in a serious relationship right now, but your friend may have taken this as a rejection. It sounds like he really likes you, and he may be feeling really hurt, upset, and scared that you do not like him in the same way. If you two slept together, he may have been so emotionally attached to the relationship that it is hard to go backwards and just be a friend when he has romantic feelings for you.

I think what would be best is to tell him what is on your mind, and see how he answers. It sounds like you may need to have a serious talk about the status of your relationship. Maybe if he realizes how much he means to you, he will start to come around again.

fifteen
01-29-2012, 11:37 PM
You should tell him how you feel. He should know that what he did was hurtful. He may even up giving you some you closure that you need.

Recently I went through something similar where the guy I was seeing started ignoring me. I finally was able to tell him how I felt and he apologized to me and was honest with me about why he did what he did. I personally didn't feel I could move on until I told him how I felt because he really hurt me and I needed him to know that. I also knew I would regret not doing so later on. If there's something you want to say to him you should. I really think you deserved better and you should tell him so.

pantherr
01-29-2012, 11:54 PM
"You have a right to want to take things slow and to not want to get in a serious relationship right now, but your friend may have taken this as a rejection"

I gotta add that I think Snowbuddy hit the nail on the head with that. :] good luck!

nefretiti
02-02-2012, 04:32 PM
huh, i don't know what is going on. i know he was very enthusiastic bout me and then he was enthusiastic to sleep together as soon as we kissed, but for me that was not the way i could start, at least not until i am sure i wanna b with him. so i was taking time and he was still nice. when we did sleep together he wanted to stay over at my place, and even though i don't like anybody sleeping and waking up with me in my bed, i let him. in the morning he went and since then troubles started him saying he will call and he doesn't , him forgetting his phone for **** days and going on a trip, him not answering my call when we agreed i will wake him up and later on telling me he woke up and went to clean kitchen while he was supposed to get ready for work!

funny enough, a week ago he said to my best friend he will call me to sort things out and to b fair to me so we can talk if we want to stay friends. but he didn't! i just hav an enormous desire to show him my middle finger!