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CrystalChaos
01-28-2012, 11:01 PM
Hey fishies! It's sure been awhile since I ventured on the boards for support. I've been in a lot of denial about my eating disorder and slipped off of the bandwagon for a few years but I am back and ready to kick this..

I wanted to share something I am going through and ask for your advice/opinions/whatever..

Three years ago, I met a boy through a mutual friend who, at the time, was kind of fancying him for herself. We met and the moment our eyes locked it was an instant connection. We've both expressed this to each other. Now, this boy is emotional, deep, intelligent, and a wonderful friend. Since the first time we met, became instant friends, best friends, and spent a great deal of time together. We are both great communicators and he has a way of expressing his feelings (blunt, honest, to a fault) to me. We're just cosmically good.

Enter personal self-doubt, self-esteem issues...
Now I admit, I'm not the easiest person to love. I push away people who care about me sometimes and he put up with this often, but always pushed back, fought for me, for well over a year before I gave into him (all the while being best friends, talking daily, seeing each other all the time)...We dated long distance and of course I freaked out and broke up with him, and because he was very upset about not being with me, he dated another girl for about a year, and eventually broke up with her. At this time, we got back together only to last for a short period of time before I once again freaked out and pushed away, I had never been 'in love' with anyone before and he is the first love I've had, ever. After the second break-up, he couldn't stand being around me because it was just too painful, and we did not speak for six months (after a slew of fights and dramatic phone calls that ended up just hurting both of us) and he dated another girl during this time.

Last year, on my birthday, I was feeling particularly said. That month marked six that we had not spoken, and since he blocked my number to give us both space (so I wouldn't drunk dial the poor kid) I had no way of contacting him at all, and I was respecting his wishes. I awoke to a note on my car (we would leave each other letters and notes often on the hoods of our vehicles) saying that he missed me very much (the card talked about how he quietly celebrated me and wished me a year full of joy) and was doing 'better' and would hopefully be able to be in my life again soon. He would go to the park where my mom and I walked our dog and make chalk drawings with messages for me (I found this out after the fact....)

After reading this letter, I contacted an old mutual friend who allowed me to use her phone to call him to thank him. God, I remember hearing his voice for the first time in six months. I was so happy, and since he usually gives in, he allowed me to come see him and spend time with him at work that evening. It was like nothing had changed. Summer was wonderful, we dated and spent time together much more than I usually allowed and everything was blissful. He'd stopped talking to me for enough time to collect himself (we never lived in the same town for more than three months during our entire friendship, which is why distance is so rough on me..) and I thought things were going well. Until he went back to school. I once again freaked out and ended things. I don't know what the piss is wrong with me. I love him, I'm just scared of giving him my whole heart.

So anyway, he came back for Thanksgiving break and before this, I had been a virgin. I still technically AM a virgin, but...things happened. I was so scared that of anything sexual happening to me, and feared I wouldn't be able to enjoy it, or that I couldn't even FEEL sexual (side effect of ED) but because I trust him and love him, some things went down, and I was really proud of myself for making that huge step. He asked if we could be together after that and I said 'No', I wasn't ready. I was about to move from my town even further away from where he goes to school (which went from being three hours away to now five hours away) but I am only going to be in this place for four months (just living with a friend temporarily while I figure things out with my career/life) He told me that 'what happened between us was different than anything he had ever experienced before'..

He went back to school.

Apparently while being up there he's met another girl (they've known each other for two years but I guess he didn't have that 'instant connection' like he did with me) And told her all about me (he's too honest) but kinda started to date her...she knows that he apparently loves me but he doesn't think that he and I can be together right now because the distance causes so much instability. When we are in the same place, we do very well together, and he told me that I was his best friend and the love of his life. Yet he is not official with this other girl (because he can't take another heartbreak and break-up from me long distance) but also told me that he does not want to speak with me for awhile, even got very very upset with me for texting him one night when I was drunk and upset about losing my friend (especially since two weeks before he made things official with her he told me that he loved me and would do anything for me). I understand self-preservation and letting love go and having it come back, but I'm just so broken-hearted. I know that I fucked up multiple times but I can't help but feeling like we aren't over. He told me that he needed to be selfish and put himself first for once so he could finish school and figure out where he would be in two years so that we could possibly be together. I just have trouble with trusting and having faith in all this, because there are so many mixed messages :cry

I just wish I knew how to heal myself and feel normal again..

TennisLady
01-29-2012, 12:17 AM
Long distance is tough on relationships.

Perhaps this is a blessing for you to focus on healing and recovering from your ED? If he finishes school and is close to you, then perhaps you can be together and hopefully you will be healthier then.

However I am sure it is hard to lose someone you talked to regularly, definitely many hugs to you for feeling that way.

CrystalChaos
01-29-2012, 12:37 AM
Thank you. He told me he wants me to be stable before he can invest in anything again. I am just so afraid that I've lost him permanently..

pantherr
01-29-2012, 06:18 PM
Hi Crystal,

Not to be a total cliche, but matters of the heart can be so complicated. But how wonderful that you got to experience that kind of connection with someone, and make note of what a beautiful capacity you have for loving others! As far as what's happening right now, to a large extent it's out of your control. Long distance is hard even when two people seem to be steady in the first place.

It sounds to me like what you're really struggling with is trust and getting close to people. I can relate to that in a huge way. I have a lot of trouble sharing my thoughts, emotions, memories, etc. with even my best friend, and probably more so with my boyfriend. The only person I feel I can truly tell everything to is my mom.

I guess what I mean when I say I can relate, is that when I first started dating my bf (it's only been five months) I had NO expectation that it would actually go anywhere. My romantic history before him consists a string of drunken hookups and short-lived stints without any real emotional connection. I didn't realize that I had kept things that way on purpose. I had/have lots of barriers. I think it does relate to the ED, although I'm still working out how...it sounds like he means a lot to you, but you (like me) are afraid.

I don't really have anywhere to go with this, except to say that you're not alone. :gimmehug

Is there another person in your life that you are very close to? If so, why do you think you can trust them, and why in comparison you're having trouble with this boy..?

CrystalChaos
01-30-2012, 12:36 AM
I have a couple close girlfriends who I can open up to but he was the first BOY I loved and broke that emotional barrier with me. He saw right through me and still does. I know eventually we will cross paths again because when you have such a beautiful connection with someone it would be a shame to let it go to waste, and we both have expressed this, but I need to heal and find stability so that if we ever do get that 'chance' again, I will be ready to commit. I need to work on myself, and he told me that he needs time to 'figure out who he is without me'.

CrystalChaos
01-30-2012, 12:37 AM
And you're so right, we put up so many barriers that sometimes we don't even see ourselves...I'm glad things worked out for you and hopefully they continue to :lubdub

axi
01-30-2012, 03:19 AM
I think, honestly, that he is doing the best thing for himself. He wanted a relationship with you and you are not willing/ready to have one with him. With you still in his life, he can't move on and you two will be stuck in this cycle of going too far and then running. You either have to take that leap of faith or accept that it is over and move on.

That being said, it is hard as hell to figure out relationships and it's really hard to let someone go when you feel connected with them. However, you will find other connections and other people you value and want in your life. If you work on yourself and heal some of the issues that made you not ready for this, perhaps then you two will be able to give it another chance, but for now I think it will only lead to more heartbreak if you try to keep him in your life when he wants more and you still want to run from it.

CrystalChaos
01-30-2012, 02:17 PM
He definitely is. I respect him for it, but he knows that I do want to be with him, just need to find myself and my stability. He needs to do well these last years of school and a tumultuous relationship back home isn't helping, so I get it. I do want more, I just need to get better and love myself first.