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recoveringinwi
01-28-2012, 02:47 PM
I saw my T yesterday (who I've been seeing for years and absolutely love!) My relationship with my husband has been a very common topic of discussion in our therapy for years. We have been happily married for almost a decade, but he has a spending problem. He took out credit cards in my name without telling me, drove us to bankruptcy, buys himself expensive boy toys, he can't afford, etc. We are getting by now and didn't lose our house or anything, but he absolutely does not want me involved in the finances and when I try to bring them up (tactlfully and politely,) he gets extremely offended and yells at me and we fight. It's like that when I bring up anything he doesn't want to talk about.
I have low self-esteem and worry more about keeping him happy than anything else. I feel like all the years I've been sick and in and out of hospitals were so hard on him I don't deserve to do anything that might upset him, and I finally couldn't handle the confrontation anymore, so about six months ago I started just holding it in and quietly letting him do whatever he wants no matter how it affects me. I also had a serious relapse about six months ago. I don't know if it was coincidence or not.
My T finally said yesterday that if I don't listen to her advice and start speaking up to him she has to consider whether she can keep seeing me. She says I will never get healthy this way and she refuses to have a front-row seat to watch me self-destruct and die. I feel like I'm happy in my marriage as long as I stay quiet and don't want to ruin that. I feel so overhwelmed!

bellydancer
01-28-2012, 02:52 PM
Hi recovering,

As much as your ED affects your husband, his spending also affects you. If the only thing keeping your marriage together is you shutting your voice down, then it's not very stable or happy. I think you both need to work on meeting each other in an agreeable middle. Does he bring up your hospitalizations, etc.? How do you react then?

recoveringinwi
01-28-2012, 03:14 PM
My H occasionally talks about my past hospitalizations and stuff, but not as if they ruined the last eight yrs of his life or anything. I jump to that conclusion. My problems seem like safe ground to talk about as long as there is no part of the conversation that even hints towards that fact that anything he does affects my health. I guess I'm allowed to be told I have problems but he isn't.
I'm sorry. I feel like I'm being so whiny and negative.

ducksquack
01-28-2012, 04:31 PM
My T finally said yesterday that if I don't listen to her advice and start speaking up to him she has to consider whether she can keep seeing me. She says I will never get healthy this way and she refuses to have a front-row seat to watch me self-destruct and die

You have been seeing your T for years so she must know
what some of your major issues are.

We do need to use our voice in order to recover I believe
and she seems to see it as critical to your recovery.

As hard as it is something needs to change for you. It has
to change for your hubby as well as he has his own issues.

god bless.

recoveringinwi
01-28-2012, 05:55 PM
All of you are right. I think it's going to have to come throuh many small steps, though. I'm not going to be able to go from dangerously passive to completely assertive overnight. I can't sacrifice my health to 'make him happy.' He loves me, so how happy would he be if I died 'taking care of' him and not myself. He is a good man. We're going to have to learn this dance together.

dermaline
01-28-2012, 09:26 PM
Becoming assertive takes willingness to risk trying things out. And then to take those risks repeatedly.

Just like stopping ed behaviours takes repeated practice stopping passive behaviour does the the same.

You need to push yourself and risk changing in order for your life to change. your t is there to help you and guide you so she is someone you can listen to,

SnowbuddyM
01-28-2012, 11:27 PM
Just because you had an ED does not mean that you need to sacrifice your own health and happiness. Remember that all people go through rough times in their lives (one of yours happened to be an ED). I am sure you have been there for your husband when things are rough as well.

As hard as it is to speak up sometimes, remember that it makes things easier in the end. Not speaking up isn't going to change how you feel inside. You are still going to be upset and holding it in will only lead to more problems down the road.

cuddy
01-31-2012, 12:36 AM
sweetie! Not addressing problems is gonnamake you crazy.You need to talk about whats going on otherwise you are going to spiral.
If he won't let you in then you need to decide whether or not to maybe take a break from one another and maybe get some counselling (both of you).
If he cares about you and your relationship he needs to talk to you.
I'm always here if you wanna talk :)
gl

Alethea
01-31-2012, 12:13 PM
I think there is a real link between lack of assertiveness and eating disorders, and part of recovery is learning to express yourself verbally rather than through your body/eating behaviour. If you are heard and allow yourself to have an equal voice in your relationship, you might find it easier to let go of the control around food.

You're not whiny and negative, and I think your husband needs to take some responsibility for his behaviour, as much as you also need to work towards recovery and accept that your ed will affect him.

Have you thought about relationship counselling as part of your recovery?

You need to be able to be assertive and he needs to be able to accept that, for you to have a healthy relationship.

goodtimeforachange
01-31-2012, 01:24 PM
I think there is a real link between lack of assertiveness and eating disorders, and part of recovery is learning to express yourself verbally rather than through your body/eating behaviour. If you are heard and allow yourself to have an equal voice in your relationship, you might find it easier to let go of the control around food.
.

Exactly!

My T was telling me about this today, she said I never say what I feel, I never get angry (I vent to her instead, when I'm angry with my partner or my mother). She said I "eat" it all instead (literally and figuratively).


@recoveringinwi:

my partner also has "touchy" subjects where he doesn't want to talk about them. He is also very passive aggresive and it really stresses me out when he's giving me the cold shoulder or shutting me down constantly.

Truth is, when I have stood up, told him it upsets me, he always stops and comforts me.

We need to try and voice things more often. In the end, if we don't things never change (for worse or for better)