PDA

View Full Version : used my 'voice' - stated my needs and don't know what to think about his response


sprout
01-28-2012, 07:44 AM
My H and I had another argument this week and flipped out and lost my temper (again). It was an extreme reaction and out of proportion to the disagreement.

Later, we talked. I told him maybe I flipped out because most of the time I push down my feelings and needs and pretend that everything is ok.

I told him I needed affection, and love, and togetherness.
Like before we got married when we were dating.

I was honest about how I liked the attention I got from him about my ED, and said that might be one of the (million) reasons why I am not recovering.

He said he would help me recover and then I could leave him and find someone else who would make me happy. :confused:cry:whateva

I don't want anyone else. I want him!
I love him and I want to stay with him. But he can't/won't give me what I need.
He would rather me leave him than try to meet my needs. :cry

I don't know what to think.

helloballoon
01-28-2012, 08:01 AM
Sprout!
Woohoo for using your voice! Using your words!
Woohoo for being honest with your H!
Woohoo for admitting to him that the attention he gives you (even though for something negative) is keeping you stuck!

It's good to acknowledge that when you squash feelings and needs and thoughts that it ends up like a pressure cooker and explodes out eventually. Maybe you could take the lid off the pot a bit more often.

People say things they don't mean.
They do! You do!

He is likely very angry with you for your apathy. He is likely frustrated and hurt and despairing. He is likely furious with your anorexia- the third person in your marriage.

Thing is, people say things they don't mean. They also change their thoughts. They choose to do things differently than planned. Just because he said that he thinks you should leave doesn't mean he actually means that. How often have you said things in anger and hurt that you did not mean?

But recovery has to be about sprout and sprouts needs. That is first.

Ed does not make your H be the way you want. Years of this. Has he ever acted the way ed is longing for?

If you want the healthy relationship similar to the one you had before marriage then you need to be healthy in body and mind. You need to get rid of the third person in your marriage.

I think this is actually great progress! You used your words. And likely your H feels attacked because you are saying he doesn't give you what you want (affection etc). He probably thinks he gives you loads of attention. But the attention is going to a negative thing. It's getting gobbled up by ed so that your H just doesn't have much left to supply you with healthy attention.

I know I'm rambling. But he may just be being reactive to what you said. And to the argument.

You did well to admit it all though :lubdub

Xxxx

sprout
01-28-2012, 08:45 AM
Thanks Molly! I'm quite surprised at your positive take on it. But thanks! :lubdub

A pressure cooker is exactly what i am - I think I was trying to think of that word.
I just explode sometimes and I scare myself because I turn it all on me and want to self destruct and sometimes I feel so impulsive about it and I'm worried one of these days I won't control it well enough.

I don't think he didn't mean it, though. I really don't. I agree he is frustrated and concerned about me. And that doesn't help things. But he cares about me and wants me to be happy. And that's a good thing! But instead of changing his behavior to make me happy, he wants me to go elsewhere to find what I need.

How often have you said things in anger and hurt that you did not mean?
All the time. I can be really mean sometimes, but I don't mean it.

But he wasn't angry at all when he said that. We were having a calm thoughttful conversation.

Ed does not make your H be the way you want. Years of this. Has he ever acted the way ed is longing for?
No, you're right. It isn't the way I want. But it is better than nothing. And before the ED, it was nothing.

He says he's just not that type of person. Which I understand. I don't want to ask him to be someone he isn't, which is why I try to stuff it down and ignore my needs, because that is what HE wants. But it is not what I want.

nc
01-28-2012, 10:04 AM
Sometimes the person we want our partner to be they simply can't be. It sounds like your husband is telling you that he cannot be the person you want and is putting the ball in your court.

At the same time I can tell you that an ED can destroy a relationship but with recovery sometimes that relationship can be rebuilt. Things might change as you get healthier but you will never know until you are willing to do what that takes.

My question to you is will this give you another reason not to recover? If you don't get better you won't have to face the possibility of moving on?

helloballoon
01-28-2012, 10:07 AM
Well let's try to keep positive. Keep the ole spirits up and all that :winky

But he shouldn't have to change his behaviour to suit you. That is not authentic. That is him bending to someone else. And even he did change it, you would know it's not real.

I know you say your ed started in response to T. But I really would question that. It sounds like there was a lot going on before the T. That that was like the thing that tipped you over the edge :wacky

When you were trying to recover and when you were resi etc, did he respond differently to you then? Did he praise you and give you as much attention?

In a way it is good to know where you stand. He is telling you something. And maybe you need to listen :sad

Do you ever consider that your marriage has run it's course? Don't answer that if you don't want to, I won't press the issue. But it is something to consider.

Better than nothing? Really? Personally I would rather the nothing. If the something is rejection, annoyance, arguments, pressure, harsh words (sprinkled with worry, concern etc), then is that really getting you anywhere?

It doesn't matter how sick you get. Your H is never going go treat you the way you long for. He has made that clear by both his actions and his words :confused


What did you say when he told you that he'd help you recover but then encourage you to leave?

Xxxx

(you order that book? I'm on chapter three. Hurry up, book partner :love)

sprout
01-28-2012, 11:54 AM
NC,

Sometimes the person we want our partner to be they simply can't be.
I completely agree with you about this. I don't think it's right to even ask them to. And i don't want to ask him to but I don't want a divorce either. At all. I really love him.

Before we got engaged, he was SO affectionate and loving. He always wanted to be with me and we had great chemistry. But after our engagement things cooled off a lot. I thought it was the stress of planning the wedding, etc. But then after we got married it never changed. I kind of feel like I was tricked in a way. Like he pretended to be something he wasn't so that I would marry him.

It sounds like your husband is telling you that he cannot be the person you want and is putting the ball in your court.
Yep. I agree with this too. Although he didn't say it directly. He doesn't even want to TRY. Maybe I should be grateful that he isn't going to lead me on and make me think he will change when he can't/won't. But at the same time, he doesn't think I'm worth it to try?Is it really that AWFUL for him to have to hug me? Or sit on the couch with me and watch a TV show? Or rub my back? Or hold my hand? I mean, that's the kind of stuff I want. I'm not asking for roses and chocolates every day.

Things might change as you get healthier but you will never know until you are willing to do what that takes.
Anything is possible.

My question to you is will this give you another reason not to recover? If you don't get better you won't have to face the possibility of moving on?
It's not going to help anything, that's for sure. I definitely think that's a reason for me staying stuck. Not the only reason, but one of them.

The thing is, like I said before, my H has always been like that since we got married. I was very unhappy about it for a while and we fought a lot. Then, I decided to 'accept' it. Before the ED started, I dealt with it by immersing myself in the kid's lives, and volunteering, bible study, friends, spiritual life, etc. Then the 'incident' happened, and the ED took off, i lost my friends and spiritual life.

So now that has become what I immerse myself in.

sprout
01-28-2012, 12:26 PM
Thanks Molly. :love :lubdub

I know you say your ed started in response to T. But I really would question that. It sounds like there was a lot going on before the T. That that was like the thing that tipped you over the edge
Wait, I'm confused. What's T? You don't mean 'therapy' do you? Sorry, not sure I understand. :confused

When you were trying to recover and when you were resi etc, did he respond differently to you then? Did he praise you and give you as much attention?
When I was in residential two years ago, no. He didn't respond any differently. He never came to visit one time, either. Yes, it was five hours away, but I was there for five weeks so he could have visited once. My mother came to visit and offered to bring the kids with her, but he wouldn't let them go.

In a way it is good to know where you stand. He is telling you something. And maybe you need to listen
I agree. He's telling me that he really doesn't care if we stay together or not.

Do you ever consider that your marriage has run it's course? Don't answer that if you don't want to, I won't press the issue. But it is something to consider.
What does that mean - run its course? You mean, that it has just naturally come to an ending place? I never thought of a marriage like that. in my mind, marriages last forever and don't have a natural ending.

Better than nothing? Really? Personally I would rather the nothing. If the something is rejection, annoyance, arguments, pressure, harsh words (sprinkled with worry, concern etc), then is that really getting you anywhere?
No, it's not getting me anywhere.

The arguments are normal arugments - the last one was about differnent approaches to monitoring my ten year old son's internet usage. Normal stuff that people argue about.
They aren't about my ED or recovery. I don't argue about that. I know he's right about it.


It doesn't matter how sick you get. Your H is never going go treat you the way you long for. He has made that clear by both his actions and his words
:cry:cry:cry:cry:cry


What did you say when he told you that he'd help you recover but then encourage you to leave?
I didn't say anything. I just stared at him. I cried.

(you order that book? I'm on chapter three.
Yep, I ordered it! Estimated delivery date is Jan thirty-first.
(confession: i also ordered som bad ED stuff at the same time. :wacky)

helloballoon
01-28-2012, 12:38 PM
Sorry for all the cry faces. I know you must be feeling very sad. :gimmehug

T-trauma

Run it's course- yes. That your relationship has kinda fizzled out :sad Sorry... :ugh

I am of a view of marriage that it is forever. But......... sometimes ... It just doesn't work out. People change. Life gets complicated. I am unwilling to stay with bf forever if we are both really unhappy together. I think what's the point if we were both to become miserable. Of course I would get couples counselling first and try everthing to repair stuff and get things back. But I am not willing to stay together if we couldn't reconcile.

Have you done couples counselling? Or is that a future thing?

Could you start that? And things with your h might improve? I mean I'd say he needs some support himself. Or it would at least help you both communicate without it turning into an argument.

I am so sorry he didn't visit you :sad

That is not ok. I know it's not right for me to be commenting on your relationship because we are not there and we don't have all sides and its none of our business. But if I went to resi and bf didn't at least visit me once, I think I would be very very hurt by that.

I am very unimpressed with your extra purchases :sly

What were you thinking? I mean are you not stuck enough and sick enough already? :(

sprout
01-28-2012, 04:52 PM
Hi Molly,

T-trauma
Oh!. ok. duh - sorry for being dense. Then, to go back to the original q:

I know you say your ed started in response to T. But I really would question that. It sounds like there was a lot going on before the T. That that was like the thing that tipped you over the edge
A lot going on with my eating, you mean? Or my husband?
My eating was fine, completely normal. I had finally lost the baby weight through healthy eating and exercise. I was happy with my body. I had no problems with eating in moderation or having treats and indulging.
With my H, yes, it was basically the same situation. Maybe a little more tense, because I wasn't working at the time and he wanted me to be. Money was a bigger issue than it is now. But I had accepted that was who he was and I wasn't going to be able to change him. I was working on filling the emptiness in my life in other ways. I wanted to try to be the best wife I could be to make him happy. I started cooking special dinners for him several times a week and trying new recipes. I tried to do little things he liked without him asking. I don't know if he appreciated my efforts or even noticed them, but it made me feel good about myself to do them anyway.


I am of a view of marriage that it is forever. But......... sometimes ... It just doesn't work out. People change. Life gets complicated. I am unwilling to stay with bf forever if we are both really unhappy together. I think what's the point if we were both to become miserable. Of course I would get couples counselling first and try everthing to repair stuff and get things back. But I am not willing to stay together if we couldn't reconcile.
I agree with these things, I really do. I am not 'unhappy' with my H. He is nice enough, he doesn't yell or nag very much. He is really funny and handsome and strong. He is very generous and giving. Everyone likes him. He has a magnetic personality. I almost feel like a girl who has an unrequited crush, even though we've been married fifteen years (god i'm old)

Have you done couples counselling? Or is that a future thing?
I wanted to, but he won't do couples counseling until my ED is better. He thinks it's like trying to move the furniture around on a sinking ship.....or something....
I think it's just an excuse and he doesn't really want to, but whatever. :whateva


I am very unimpressed with your extra purchases
What were you thinking? I mean are you not stuck enough and sick enough already?
I'm a F**king idiot, that's what I was thinking. Yes I am stuck enough. I had a gift card to amazon, and I was trying to find that book I needed for work but I couldn't find it, and i heard about this other item and just bought it. stupid stupid stupid

helloballoon
01-28-2012, 05:14 PM
I think that's the first time I've heard you speak kindly about your H. There's a lot to like about him.

I get the idea of unrequited crush. I always like think I want my bf to fancy me and fall in love with me and that he'll choose me over other girls but forgetting that he's been mine for years and does love me already. Right now he's pulling my leg pretending it's a bazooka. Dunno where I got him from.

So your food was ok. But your happiness was not. There was a void. :(

Ok well the big thing is when the BAD book comes that you throw it in the recycling. I've been there K. I've looked at stuff I shouldn't have. But really it keeps me more stuck. It's hard enough as it is. Don't make it harder.

When it arrives will you throw it away.

Oh yes you're ancient. Practically on a Zimmerframe :ohboy

You're like a decade older than me and I'm wearing a barbie hoodie. We're as young as we feel sprout.

I kinda agree about moving furniture about, but I think your ed has a lot to do with your H so I think it would be good for him to come with you to your Therspist sometimes ?!