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View Full Version : I feel bad and I don't deserve this...


Miyako
01-26-2012, 07:59 PM
Hi!:) I'm new and in recovery from anorexia. I'm having a hard time right now, feeling close to a real bad relapse. Only a few people know about my anorexia, even though a lot have probably noticed. My anorexia is my biggest secret. I feel ashamed and like a burden to others, so I usually don't tell everyone. However, my ED thoughts were the cause for my being mad at a friend of mine. I said that he didn't like me, that everyone would be better than me, that I wasn't good enough for him and I blamed him for everything... He's always been real sweet and he treats me better than anyone else so he clearly didn't deserve what I did. It took me some time to figure out that it was my ED speaking but when I finally did I realized that I had to tell him. I thought he'd hate me after all the drama I caused him. So I told him yesterday and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was scared to death that he'd run away from me or that he wouldn't take me seriously, make fun of me or whatever. But he didn't do any of these things. He really listened to me. I felt so bad for the drama I caused him but he said there was no need to... I said that I was a terrible person but he said I wasn't... I told him how much I hate myself and try to be like everyone else, but he said that I was fine just the way I am... I started crying and he let my cry on his shoulder... He promised not to tell anyone... No one has ever been so sweet to me. I felt like I was taken seriously and I felt like someone really cared for the first time in my life. Now I'm overwhelmed... I feel like I don't deserve this... I'm not able to believe all the things he said... I feel bad for being a burden to him, now that he knows about my anorexia... I feel bad for putting him in such a frustrating and hopeless position... He's telling me all these things to comfort me and I'm not able to believe him... Even though I want to... Do you sometimes feel this way? How do you cope with that? How can you believe people when they say things like that?

sflathinker
01-26-2012, 08:22 PM
When you tell someone you care about something nice that you feel or think about them, are you being truthful? When someone asks you for comfort, do you enjoy comforting them? Does it bring you joy to know that someone has confided in you? You are worthy and there will be many people who care.

ducksquack
01-26-2012, 08:29 PM
He's always been real sweet and he treats me better than anyone else so he clearly didn't deserve what I did

Welcome and your friend sounds like a good and caring person.

You did the right thing I believe in letting him know why you didnt
treat him well and thats a big positive step to take. Congrats.

I have found that my true friends stick with me thru the good and
the not so good and they really do care and want whats best for me.
They dont judge me and I dont judge them.

Your friend is telling you how they see you and I hope you listen as
friends dont lie or make up stuff. They tell it like it is even if at times
we dont want to hear it.

Your friends see you differently than you see yourself and I would
imagine they see the real you and you arent able to see yourself
as you truly are. In recovery I believe you will be able to see how
right he is.

I hope you keep sharing here and also reach out to professionals
for help as well.

god bless.

Miyako
01-27-2012, 05:00 PM
Thanks! :)
Hmmm, I tend to be suspicious and mistrusting of others, always thinking that they wanna hurt me... I am truthful telling nice things, but others? I don't know... I have a hard time trusting someone. My friend is the first person I've ever really opened up to. And he's the only one allowed to really hug me without me feeling uncomfortable and pushing him away. I usually do that when people try to touch me... Or I flinch and try to get away as fast as I can... He's the first person I ever let in on my feelings...It feels scary to tell him what's going on in my head and what I feel inside...No one else knows... None of my other friends...I don't let them get that close...I'm always the strong one, the one who never cries and seems to be an ice cube but always there for others. This friend I'm talking about is the only person who has ever seen me cry... He always puts me first and asks how I feel. During the last four months I was either sick or blaming him for stupid things and now I had to tell him that I have a mental illness. I really haven't been the most enjoyable person to be around recently. I had a cold with fever multiple times, I had some stomach virus and was throwing up and he sat at my bed and wasn't even disgusted when I threw up. He was there for me in the middle of the night when I had some serious problems and a fight with a teacher of mine saying that everything would be alright again. I didn't believe someone like this existed. I don't know how to deal with so much affection...I'm not used to that... I feel like I need to do something in order to deserve someone like him...like I need to prove I'm worth it...
I don't have professional help right now. I'm having some trouble eating at the moment but I'm still at a healthy weight. I mean I don't look anorexic right now, slim but not anorexic. I know I'm not in a great mental state at the moment, I feel tired all the time, stressed out, exhausted, I'm not happy, I'm overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless that this will get better anytime soon. But I'm not sure if this is serious enough to get professional help again...if there's such a thing as something being "serious enough"... The last time I was really happy was five years ago...I wanna do so much but I don't feel capable of anything right now and I have no confidence in my abilities and that gives me a hard time now that it comes to graduating from high school and choosing a college and I feel inferior to everyone... A difficult situation right now...

ducksquack
01-27-2012, 05:59 PM
I know I'm not in a great mental state at the moment, I feel tired all the time, stressed out, exhausted, I'm not happy, I'm overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless that this will get better anytime soon. But I'm not sure if this is serious enough to get professional help again...if there's such a thing as something being "serious enough"... The last time I was really happy was five years ago...I wanna do so much but I don't feel capable of anything right now and I have no confidence in my abilities and that gives me a hard time now that it comes to graduating from high school and choosing a college and I feel inferior to everyone... A difficult situation right now...

It sounds like this is very serious and getting help is
something we all deserve.

I do hope you seek help and keep sharing here for
support.

god bless.

Miyako
01-30-2012, 06:06 PM
I'll think about it...I'm visiting relatives at the moment so I don't have all the usual stuff going on right now, no work to do etc. I'm just watching TV all day long... I'll give myself one or two more weeks at home, if it doesn't get better, I'll go and get help.

I'm thinking about what it'll be like to see my friend again. I mean my ED changed things or - better - I changed things by telling him. Before it was like "Hey, we're friends, cool." and now it's like "Hey, we're friends and you told me your biggest secret and I saw you completely loose it and crying your eyes out and I promised that I wouldn't tell anyone.". That feels weird. I've never been that close to anyone. Besides, on one side I feel relieved after finally telling him the truth but on the other side I feel kinda like a wounded deer (I know this sounds stupid), very hurt now that someone knows, very vulnerable and that annoys me and I don't know how to react...

And the next time I'll see him will be his birthday so since things sorta changed to a certain degree I wanna give him a special gift but I have no idea what... I want it to be personal and I want it to show how much it means to me that he's always there for me even through my ED struggle and that he still likes me in all this misery and pain. Do you have any suggestions? I'd love to hear/read them :)

And I wanted to say thank you for your replies and support, it's really appreciated! :)