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fifteen
01-25-2012, 06:38 AM
For the last several months I have had a non-committed relationship with this guy. We were basically friends with benefits that acutally cared about each other. He wanted to be committed but I was not ready for that. And he was fine just seeing where things would go. Anyway he recently has started ignoring me and I think I'm being dumped via ignoring. This is so out of the blue and so hurtful. He has become one of my closest friends and I never expected him to end things in such a coawardly way. I am angry and confused and partially worried because this is not like him. It's been a week since I've seen him or talked to him. There was no indication of this coming. The last time we were together we were happy. Then the next day I left him a vm wanting to hang out and he did not respond. Then a few days later I called again to check on him and left a vm to call me. It has now been several days since I left that message. I'm not stupid; I can take a hint. But I seriously think I deserve better. I want and need more closure than this. I cared about him and he is the first guy I ever really let in. Why wouldn't he have the decency to just end it officially. This is not the guy I know. He's normally a sweetheart, very good to me, super honest, and up front.

This is so painful. And his timing couldn't be worse. This weekend I could have used his support. My grandpa was dying (he just passed today) and my mom was extremely sick (and now is in the hospital). I've always dealt with these things alone (I'm used to my mother's illness) but it was nice to think that I could have there for me. How wrong I was because he no longer wants to talk to me I guess. I feel so awful. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and like the whole world is against me. I get to deal with crappy family stuff and get dumped at the same time. That really sucks and is a bit overwhelming. I have been crying me eyes out for the last few days. I don't know how I'll myself together anytime soon.

Am I just supposed to move on without closure? Do I try to contact him again? I just want to hear to say we're done. I am so lost as to what to do.

I know I didn't lose my great love and I will some day down the road move on. But I lost a a really really good friend in a hurtful way at a time I really needed one. I truly miss him like crazy. I feel really jaded and honestly find myself hating people right now and envying everyone's happiness. I'm angry. I don't feel like good things happen for me. I'm in a difficult place in life right now. I just graduated college and am in the middle of a hopeless job search. It was so nice to have someone during this timebut now it's back to being alone. I don't know when i'll ever let someone in again. I don't want to get used to having them only for them to hurt me.

Thank you for reading. And any advice is appreciated. Right now I am really shattered.

sflathinker
01-25-2012, 09:19 AM
You talk about what he could have done for you this week. He already expressed his desire to be more than a friend with benefits and there when you want or need him. Has it occured to you that he is taking care of his own wounded feelings of pain, anger, resentment (and potentially of feeling used) by backing off. He's not confrontational, he doesn't want to sound like a wuss by admitting he isn't satisfied with a sexual relationship without the commitment. Relationships, even friendships aren't just about what you get, its about what you give. Tell him you miss him. Ask him if he needs you. Be the friend he has been to you.

fifteen
01-25-2012, 10:13 AM
sflathinker,

Thank you for yor response. It did occur to me that there was something going on with him which is why I left him the second vm. I told him I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him and wanted to make sure he was okay or something to that effect. I'm really not a very needy person. I usally do my best to be there for others. including him, and not to burden people with my problems.

I am able to open up a little bit with him beacuse he cares or did care, and is able to read when I'm holding something in, and actually will try to pull things out. Anway if he was hurting, especially over the relationship we have I would do anything to comfort him right now and deal with the issue. But I can't do anything when he just goes MIA and won't talk to me. Maybe I will call him one more time but I don't want to seem like someone who is clingy or desperate.

bellydancer
01-25-2012, 10:50 AM
Hi fifteen,

I can understand why you're hurt. You say though that this was a non-committed relationship, but what exactly do you mean by that? If this was a non-committed relationship, what sort of commitment were you expecting him to make when you're going through a rough time? If there's no commitment to stay in the relationship, then why would there be a need for an official end? Note that I'm not just posing these questions for my own understanding, but I'm pointing out that this might be part of where he's coming from.

sflathinker
01-25-2012, 11:09 AM
You day that would comfort him if he is hurting over the relationship that he is lacking with you...but don't you see...you are the only person who can't comfort him. He's everything you want but you dont want him. Even the most secure person needs to shield him or herself from that. Just read the advice we give girls on the other end of a relationship. Yes, you have been honest but you cant expect him to be different any more than he can expect the situation to be different.

fifteen
01-25-2012, 11:12 AM
Belly-dancer,

By non-committed I mean we were both free to see other people. (not that we were.) I considered him a friend and I expected him to be a friend for me. I would never just ignore someone's calls who genuninely cared about me and who I genuinely cared about. I know he had feelings for me. He wouldn't have said all the things he had to me and would not have told me he wanted to be exclusive if he didn't. I know you're trying to show where he might be coming from but I'm sorry I know I deserved an official end to this. I think this is cruel. Even if you're only dating someone and not offically together you should you break it off with the person and tell them it's not working. We cared about each other. I think he owes it to me to be honest. Do I seriously not deserve that?

bellydancer
01-25-2012, 11:30 AM
You do deserve that. But you might have to accept that he might not feel the need to offer that.

fifteen
01-25-2012, 11:37 AM
slafthinker,

I think I can expect honsesty and common courtesy. From the beginning we told each other the most important thing was that we be honest. What he's doing/did isn't honesty.

But really in everyone's opinion. Should I just try to move on or should I call him one more time. I truly don't know what to do. All I know is I just want to stop crying over him and wondering about what's going on. Everytime my phone rings I race to it hoping it's him to tell me this is was all a big misunderstanding. I can't take this. It's torturous. He was like a best friend- actually he was my best friend for a bit.

sflathinker
01-25-2012, 12:31 PM
Have you considered going over there? Confront him, tell him how you feel. Ask him if the friendship is hurting him or preventing him from finding the intimacy he is seeking with another (because it sounds Luke he wants the relationship he has with you, but he needs the feeling reciprocated.

fifteen
01-25-2012, 12:42 PM
If he lived in a house and not an apartment where I have to be buzzed in and wouldn't be able to know if he was not home or ignoring me I would go over there.

sflathinker
01-25-2012, 01:11 PM
Then you have your answer. When it matters more than anything you will find a way to get in touch with him. But if you love him, even just as a friend, respect him. Sometimes that means backing off when you know your feelings aren't as deep. It's no different when a boy is sleeping with a girl who doesn't want her as a girlfriend but she's in love with him. Maybe this is a good time for you to evaluate your feelings for him. A friendship like that will die because he wants love and when he gets it, he can't have his head wrapped around you too. He doesn't owe you any more than you owe him. Girls call block guys all the time when they aren't strong enough to say "I can't do this anymore"

rafferty
01-25-2012, 04:18 PM
He might been having a seriously busy week - or having some kind of crisis - something that has kept him out of contact for days. It might not have anything to do with ignoring you or dumping you.

So far in the relationship he hasn't done anything to hurt you - so maybe you need to give him the benefit of the doubt until you get to speak to him.

I understand you could have done with his support over the last few days... but as I said - maybe he's having some kind of personal crisis or is completely caught up and is stretched to the limit. I know that people say it's easy to make a phone call or just send a text.... but I know when I'm caught up in something - I find it extremely difficult to take time out to call people back or answer texts - even to people I care about deeply. I just don't have the emotional space or brain space to talk to anyone - even for a minute or two!

You may be right in that he's moved on... but don't make assumptions and write him off until you know for sure what is going on.

:love

Cypress
01-25-2012, 06:10 PM
So basically, you wanted him to act like your boyfriend, but you still wanted the freedom to date other people. He must have reached a point where he could no longer tolerate that. You can't really blame him. The whole situation is not fair to him; you expect all the benefits of being in a relationship, but you won't commit to him.

Ananke
01-25-2012, 07:26 PM
In my opinion, people are being a little too quick to criticize you here (even though they have a point). I'll try to be gentle with my comments, but I also don't think you are seeing this situation clearly.

Tell me if I have this wrong, but it seems to me like the official agreement was to have a friendship that did not have any emotional boundaries and a physical relationship that had strict boundaries around commitment. Now, ostensibly, the problem is that he is not acting like a very good friend. Viewed from this perspective, I could see why you'd have a right to be angry. Unfortunately, I don't exactly believe this is all that is going on.

First, if I understand the agreement correctly, the boundaries were unsustainable, and it was only a matter of time until the situation completely blew up. A deeply meaningful friendship cannot coexist with a purely physical relationship. It would be impossible to love someone as a friend, be physically intimate with them, and avoid the development of romantic love.

It is reasonable for your &#****************; ? ... to realize that and extract himself from the situation, and extraction could come about by following either set of rules (those governing friendship or those governing a no-strings-attached relationship). Not responding to someone is inappropriate for a friend, but it is perfectly appropriate for a no-strings-attached hook-up. Likewise, a big emotional conversation about how things aren't working is appropriate for a friend, but it would be inappropriate for a no-strings-attached relationship. No matter how he chose to end the relationship, it would violate some set of norms, and I could imagine him picking the rules that humiliated him the least.

Of course, I also think none of the above is completely on-point because I kind of doubt that you are being honest with yourself (and him) about the relationship. Objectively, you were physically and emotionally intimate with your friend, and neither one of you were physically intimate or as emotionally intimate with anyone else. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you were dating him regardless of what you told yourself about "being ready" or "seeing other people." Your reaction now seems a lot more similar to a reaction to a break-up than a fight with a friend, and I think that is probably because it IS a break-up rather than a fight with a friend.

So, before getting to the question of whether or not you should contact him, I think you have to first address the threshold question of what would you say if you did? I don't think he'd find a continuation of the unequal relationship in which you deny the feelings he has disclosed very appealing. Would you be inviting him to be part of a different sort of relationship? If so, which one do you want, friend or lover?

That said, maybe he lost his phone. Even if this ends up being a misunderstanding, I think it is worth asking yourself if the rules for this relationship are workable, and if you really want the boundaries around commitment that you claim to want.

I hope things work out, and I am sorry that all this seems to have reached its moment of crisis at the same time you are having to deal with the loss of your grandfather.

fifteen
01-26-2012, 12:24 AM
First off Anake thank you for being gentle because I feel some have been a bit harsh. I did not want to commit to him in the very beginning because I was confused about how I felt. I lacked a certain spark with him and also I still had feelings for someone else. That is why I was not ready to commit but I wanted to see where things would go because I liked being with him. Lately my feelings for the other person had begun to fade and I had started to wonder if maybe spark was overrated because I loved how comfortable I had become with him. But I had not totally sorted this out yet. There was a big part of me that was thinking about when I saw him next that maybe I would tell him I wanted to be more serious. I don't know what I would have done because that seems like a long time ago now and I no longer seem him the same.

Back when we were together I asked him if he was okay with what we had and he basically told me yeah he kind of wanted more but he was definetly fine with how things were. I did not want to put him through something he couldn't deal with. I won't pretend like I was not dating him. I realize that I was. We were both just allowed to pursue other people if we wanted but more relevant to us, we were not official to our friends. He is the first guy I ever seriously dated. And to really tmi it, he is the first guy I ever slept with. He knows that. So I think I can be angry over this because he knew he meant something to me.

I agree with everyone this was not the most fair relationship but most relationships are not equal. My best friend is dating someone who does not like her nearly as much which she knows because he told her so. She chooses to still date him because she enjoys being with him and can accept this. My other friend is dating a guy who treats her poorly but she loves him and chooses to stay with him despiste how much he hurts her and takes advantage. Relationships are often uneven. That was the reality of mine; his feelings were stronger (although now I'm not sure). Regardless I cared about him, and treated him well. And now I miss him like crazy and wish I still had him in my life.

I guess we're done though, so the question of whether I want a friend or a lover is moot. If I do decide to contact him at this point all I would want to say is that he should have called and perhaps hey if you get his message just send me a text that says anything so I know you're okay. That's it. I don't understand why other people seem to think his ignoring me is justified. If someone meant something to you and you know you meant something to them you should have the respect to tell them that it's not working. I take this as a slap in the face. This ending didn't have to be as painful as it was for me. Yes I would have been hurt by him ending it officially but at least that would have meant closure. If the reason he is done with me is the reason everyone assumes which I don't even know, I would have understood and let him go if that's what was best. Remember I don't know why he's done. It could be I gained weight and he no longer was attracted to me, it could be I did something that annoyed him the last time we were together. I don't know. I can assume it was because I was non-committal which is the nicer thing to assume but now I get to make a laundry list in my head of why I wasn't good enough.

rafferty
01-26-2012, 01:39 AM
I still think that it's too early to be making assumptions about what is going on! I think it's too soon to assume he's ignoring you in order to leave you... or anything like that.

I think you need to find out what's going on before thinking TOO far ahead.

And I don't think you are out of line in wanting closure if that's what this is. You both went into this relationship understanding what the ground lines are in terms of commitment. BOTH of you. So I agree its not fair to jump too hard on you for wanting to know what's going on. He might have wanted more... but it sounds as though he was OK to agree to the set up in the beginning. That's not something you alone need to take responsibility for. So if he DOES want to change things... then as you say - it's not out of line to expect he would let you know and not ignore you.

But.... don't make assumptions! Find out for sure what's happening :lubdub

:love

fifteen
01-26-2012, 12:55 PM
Thank-you Rafferty for your response. I truly believe I see where the facts are leading me. But you're right- I do owe it to him to find out for sure what's going on. Tonight or tommorrow I'll call one more time and I guess we'll see what happens.

Ananke
01-26-2012, 03:47 PM
Thank-you Rafferty for your response. I truly believe I see where the facts are leading me. But you're right- I do owe it to him to find out for sure what's going on. Tonight or tommorrow I'll call one more time and I guess we'll see what happens.

Although I was using the example as a proxy for all of the other possible misunderstandings that could take place, it does seem at least kind of possible that there is a phone issue. Admittedly, it would be strange for him to fail to let you know about it via email or fb or something, but it might be worth trying one other method of communication before assuming it is completely over. Also, a phone call kind of drops you into a what might be a really difficult conversation. If it were me, that would make me feel really out of control.

Again, I hope things work out for the best (whatever that might mean). It is hard to lose someone close to you, but try to remember that everybody is left by someone close to them at some point. No amount of beauty, intelligence, kindness, love, or care can protect you from the experience of rejection, so killing yourself to try to be prettier, smarter, kinder, or more loving does nothing except make the pain worse.

Take care of yourself.

fifteen
01-27-2012, 11:35 PM
Believe me Ananke ninety% of me knows he's ignoring me. If there was something wrong with his phone he would have tried to contact me via my friend's fb (i don't have one). There is ten% of me that focuses on the last time we were together and totally happy. I think about why when I was with him last, he made sure to show he stocked the apartment with some of my fave things. Why buy stuff for me then the next day ignore me/ dump me? But hey who knows what prompts someone to dump someone.

Anyway I left him another vm. I wasn;t going to try to reach him through my friends fb. I'm not going to put her in the middle, plus I'm kind of embarassed to let people know what he did.

So here's the basics of what i said on his vm. "given that you've ignored me for the last week I can only assume this means you don't want me around anymore. I wish you would have just told me. I deserved better than to be ignored. That was really hurtful. I really cared about you. You can call me back or not. I would still like to know what your deal is but it's up to you."

What he did was wrong and I needed to tell him that. My only regret is supressing my anger on the vm and not just letting him really have it. I know some on this board think that because I did not want to be "official" with him yet it was okay for him to just leave me hanging. But I know it was not. It was extremely cowardly and disrespectful. Anyway doubt he'll call back but now I feel like I am in a better place to move on. Still hurts like hell to have lost my best friend but at least I got what I needed to off of my chest.

TennisLady
01-28-2012, 01:26 AM
fifteen I had an exclusive friends with benefits with a guy who continuously disappeared and reappeared, over the course of nine months.

He and I are now friends but haven't seen each other in almost a year. We came to an understanding of why it didn't work out (he doesn't want kids, I have a child) and remain professional friends.

Yet he now says didn't "owe" me to tell me if he was leaving the country for two weeks, or if he needed his space. He would disappear for a week and reappear for a week. He wasn't there for me during my grandmother's passing, and it hurt. I realized that my feelings turned more into love the more time I spent with him. Finally I moved on last spring.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, I feel your pain during the first week that happened to me. It was miserable and I obsessed about it, created threads on here and was in misery for days. Just try to relax and keep your mind busy during this time.

fifteen
01-29-2012, 11:48 PM
Thanks so much for the support TennisLady.

He actually called me back the night I left him that vm. He didn't even listen to it first, which made for a confusing few minutes of our conversation. But anyway we talked and he was honest with me. The reason he didn't take my calls was because he was conflicted about our relationship and needed time to think. He wasn't trying to dump me, just wanted to ponder. He realized that what he did was wrong and apologized.

Anyway I left it in his hands as to whether he wanted to continue what we had or not. We'll see what happens. But I know now that I'll be okay with whatever happens. I'll miss him but I want him to do what's right for him.