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sick_of_the_fear
01-23-2012, 05:23 PM
So I recently started dating this amazing, super open minded and willing to talk about anything kind of guy and we have had talks about our faith and some issues with that and I can tell by some of his comments that he truly cares about people and has said he doesn't think people should have to carry burdens alone. So I feel bad at times that he is totally in the dark when it comes to things that have happened in my past and most of all my ED. :sad

At one point he was saying how he is totally open and I am free to even read his journal. I was shocked. The idea alone of anyone reading my journal is enough to put me into a crazy panic. So at that point I was as honest with him and told him that I was not that open and trusting, but that I wanted to be with him (which is more than I can say for anyone else) and that he may just have to be kind of patient.

He was super sweet and understanding and told me to take all the time I needed. Then the part that hit me the most was when he said quote: "there is nothing you could say to me that would make me be like whoa wait that is not the girl I asked out." :confused

To hear it was kind of nice but it is hard for me at times to fully believe it. My question is how long is too long to keep all this stuff secret before someone could get made for not being fully honest. I know this a question that can have many answers and differ for different people but even some personal experiences on the topic would be helpful. :happy

pantherr
01-24-2012, 01:04 AM
I think it's great that he wants to be so open and honest with you! But, like you, I'm a more private person. Sweet of him to want to know you, although it would kind of send me into panic-mode, too.

I really believe it has to be about how comfortable you are. I have been dating my bf for almost five months, and I haven't told him anything about my ED. I don't know if/when I will. And if he gets mad at you for keeping it a secret, he is much less sensitive than he made you believe. ED's are very complicated, and very, very difficult to share!

Aside from my family, I only told two of my best friends about my ED. The first is my roommate - she is in recovery from anorexia herself, so she was very sympathetic. We live well together because we 'live and let live' in the food department - we both buy and cook healthy food and help each other keep the environment safe. We don't talk about the EDs much anymore...at all, actually. And I think we both prefer it that way.

The second friend I told was much, much less supportive. She was, and still is, judgmental of my eating and of my body (always commenting negatively when I lose weight but never when I gain it, which I think has to do with the 'misery loves company' and her own issues around her weight-gain). That said, it is hard to guage how people will react.

I really believe that this kind of negativity and judgement stems from A) inability on some level to empathize and B) ignorance. People who don't have an ED will never fully understand what it means, but I'd hope that someone who loves you would be willing to learn as much as they could so that they could support you however you needed. :)

green tea party
01-24-2012, 09:13 AM
As Pantherr said, it's all about how comfortable you are with him. Like Pantherr there are very few people in my life who know about my eating disorder and I have a hard time talking about it. I told an ex of mine (when we were living together) and he was not supportive, found the slow recovery process irritating, didn't understand how I couldn't be in control of my own body, etc. After that I was single for a few years and dating a few people but was never ready to tell anyone, and also not ready to get close to anyone.

Having said all that, I'm currently in a relationship with someone who knows all about my ED and is incredibly supportive. I think I told him about three or four months into our dating, at which point I had gotten a sense of his kindness and level of understanding, and I trusted that he would be supportive. There were a few people before him that I dated for that same length of time and DIDN'T tell, because I felt it was better to carry the burden alone than risk a negative reaction. It's a really tough call, I've now been with my boyfriend for three years and he is still wonderful in terms of helping me with this. I don't think that our relationship would have been able to get very serious (we live together, have dogs, and plan to spend our lives together) if I hadn't been open with him. We wouldn't have been able to live together without him detecting behaviors or the fact that I go to therapy weekly...

I think if anything you should give it some time to see how things progress, because it sounds like it's still early in your relationship. Most people are on their best behavior at the beginning, but it's quite possible that he IS a really great guy. Eventually you'll have to decide whether you want things to get more serious, and if you do, that might be a good time to tell him.

sflathinker
02-07-2012, 08:00 PM
It's not true intimacy until you reveal your true self. You can't know what the future holds but any serious contender for a long term boyfriend (and only you know what length of time you consider serious) should be made aware so he can decide whether he can deal with it and you can decide whether he is capable of it.