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Rayneonthemoon
01-22-2012, 08:19 PM
So, it's been a month and a half since the breakup. We're still living together and will be until the end of March.

She's seemingly quite easily moving on with her life. Me... not so much. She's doing things to "find" herself, and she's in her 'process' (something that was a constant struggle due to her unwillingness when we were together.)

For whatever reason, something has 'clicked' in her now... While I understand she can't necessarily control that, I am pissed and hurt that she was completely unwilling for the duration of our six year relationship, and now she's 'getting it'.

She's, becoming happy.

And it's hurting me.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her. I truly am. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't hold a grudge. It almost feels like a slap in the face.

I am doing things to try and move on... it's been hard because I've been dealing with quite a few health problems lately, so it's easier to be on somewhat of a pity pot instead of take action get my shit together, so to speak.

I dunno. Just needed to get this out there. I could use some advice, and :challenge

:hugon Fishies :hugoff

sflathinker
01-22-2012, 08:26 PM
Not so easy to turn a blind eye while she's sitting next to you. Are you still talking about your lives? Sharing information? Knowing what's going on is going to make moving on harder. Don't forget, she is ahead of you in this process, she started shutting down months before you. This isn't a race. Your pain is natural. I am never the first to move on and it has always bothered me to see my ex's (who I typically remain friends with) move on. I stay stuck in so many ways. And I wish I would take my friends good advice...mainly, you need to do what you can to stop focusing on her. I know she's living with you, but you can limit the time you spend with her or see her and certainly any communication.

Rayneonthemoon
01-22-2012, 10:00 PM
sflathinker :fishy

Yea, we're still sharing info about our lives. But you bring up a good point... it's more about my curiosity regarding her life than visa versa. Which I guess is also normal considering she did start shutting down months before me :ohboy

"mainly, you need to do what you can to stop focusing on her"

Hmmm... as true as that is, ouch! I know I needed to hear it though, so thank you :gimmehug

I am doing things to distract myself (i.e., going out with friends sometimes, getting away, etc.) but when we are here together mentally my focus is on her and not on me. How do I shift that focus when we're both just feet apart?!

bellydancer
01-22-2012, 10:24 PM
Hi Rayne,

You might need to sit with the fact that you're not going to be able to truly move past this while you're still living together. I'm not sure it's really possible. One of the hardest points of my life was living with my ex fiance for five months after I called off the wedding. When we finally moved out, it was like a weight came off my shoulders.

I think the best thing to do is to think of her like a roommate, although I know that's very hard. Find reasons to get out of the house--take a class, join a club, do something to get yourself out as much as possible. Is there a friend's couch you can surf on for part of the time? Other than that, you might need to just accept that moving on is going to be very difficult until you can move apart.

Rayneonthemoon
01-22-2012, 10:32 PM
thanks bellydancer :fishy

You are right, I think once we are finally apart in our living situation it will be like a weight is off my shoulders. Although, bittersweet, I am truly looking forward to it and to moving on. Right now though, it seems near impossible.

I have begun doing things to get out of the house, I have joined a couple of local meet up groups, I go out with my friends, go study occassionally at a local coffee shop, etc. I do have friends who have offered their couch to me, but I'd still have to come home, plus it's not really convienent with work and physical therapy and doctors appointments (I'm having surgery soon)

Hmm... sitting with it and acceptance... that's a big key, I do believe. Not an easy feat. How does one do that?

ducksquack
01-23-2012, 08:08 AM
I know she's living with you, but you can limit the time you spend with her or see her and certainly any communication.

Acceptance is hard and feeling the pain is too.

it's more about my curiosity regarding her life than visa versa.

Let go of the curiosity and focus on you and your life I would
suggest. Not easy by any means. Turn it over on a daily basis.

There will be relief and freedom come March but for now you
need to accept where you are at and the feelings that go with
it all.

god bless.

sflathinker
01-23-2012, 08:57 AM
Years ago I lived with an ex while he waited for his new lease to start. I loved seeing him and in a sick way needed to connect every day. It was hard not to talk to him and I almost felt like if i wad the perfect girl he would see what he would be missing and on moving day he would turn to me and confess he still loved me and beg my forgiveness or at least tell me he wanted us to stay together. Young and hopeful but silly. It helped that we did not speak at all again. It took awhile but kniwing what was going on in his life (and allowing my mind to fill in gaps) made me miserable. You can stop talking to her while she is there. You can choose to act like she is a roommate and not a close friend. Have you acknowledged that its over and she is truly moving on and you need to as well?

bellydancer
01-23-2012, 10:20 AM
Sitting with it and acceptance...It's a hard one, I know. I don't know that I have a concrete suggestion.

It might also help if you start thinking about setting your life up for once you're living separately. Maybe get a head start on packing, if you're actually moving so you're not doing all of it at the last minute. Go through your stuff, get rid of things you don't want or need-old clothes, books you don't want anymore, etc., and arrange to donate them. Take only things you want and like into your new life. Maybe make something or splurge on something special for your living space once you'll be living apart. That might help keep you focused on the future than on the past.

dermaline
01-23-2012, 11:03 AM
I imagine what is hardest is that you so wanted her to grow. For her sake and the sake of your relationship. You excused her refusal to do so even though you knew it was costing you dearly.
And now she decides to do what you she needs to do.
I really understand why that must hurt badly.

But you know what? She didnt not do what she should have because of you and she isnt doing it now because of you not being with her.

You have infinite value and her choices are about her.

I think whats incredibly important to take from this is that we dont have to excuse what is hurting us. That you deserve to be happy and have someone contribute as much to a relationship as you do. That you can demand that and that you are worth that.

That there will be someone out there that deserves you. Sometimes we can love people but it doesnt mean they are good for us.

Rayneonthemoon
01-24-2012, 10:30 AM
Thanks :fishy

I really need to start focusing on me and building my own life seperate from her, especially now since she told me she is going to move back to Austin :cry
She doesn't know the time frame yet, but that's her goal.

Ouch.

We were going to move there together. Sigh.

The same place that she's been attached to, and unable to detatch from, during our relationship. Emotionally and mentally, she's "been there" and not here. With me. With us. With Life. She refused to ever move on here. She's lived in the past completely. I often felt as though I was competing with her old life there; and to be honest I didn't have a fighting chance.


Although I am very sad, I suppose if it makes her happy I am happy for her.

But I really need to start building a life for me. I am so frustrated though because it seems darn near impossible to do so living together.

You guys have given me good insight though, so thank you :gimmehug

bellydancer
01-24-2012, 10:45 AM
Hi Rayne,

FWIW, when I've been through break ups, I've found it helps to not be in the same city as the other person. In the short-term I think it can feel harder, because we're used to seeing them. It can definitely feel very final. But in the long run I've felt like it helped me to move on more easily--you know you're not going to bump into them in the coffee shop, etc.

Rayneonthemoon
01-26-2012, 12:14 PM
Thanks :gimmehug

I am feeling a bit better today, thankfully :happy

bellydancer
01-26-2012, 12:30 PM
Hi Rayne,

Glad to hear it.

axi
01-27-2012, 12:19 AM
yay for feeling better

Rayneonthemoon
01-27-2012, 07:40 AM
I've been engaging with her less, and although it hurts I notice my mood is better. Also, I'm kind of in an "f-u" type of attitude, which my T says is healthy. Whatever it is, at least I feel a bit better :winky

Thanks guys :gimmehug