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View Full Version : Is It Normal? Or am Being Sensitive?


Flor
01-22-2012, 05:10 PM
I really love my boyfriend, and I know that he loves me alot.
He is in a very hard situation, he had to drop out of the college where we met because he could not face academics with the crippling depression he was facing. At home, he got a part time job that he recently lost because they were laying people off. He tried a semester at a community college and, once again, couldn't meet academic expectations because of his depression.

He is finally seeking help. He doesn't like to talk about it, and I don't like to bring it up because it makes him defensive and quiet. We talk about my ED on a regular beasis because he is frightened for my life, something I have a hard time accepting.

He isn't always kind. He says pointed things, things that I brush off, but it has gotten to the point that if we are driving and he criticizes how I am giving him directions, it makes me want to cry.

It is so tough because I love him so, so much. He means so much to me and the connection that I have with him is the deepest I have ever had. We connect, we support each other as much as we can, and we are best friends.

He has let me down many times. Just missed calls, and insensitive words. Downright mean words.

And a part fo me just wants him to know how much he has hurt me sometimes, but I am just quiet and let it pass.

Like today, he asked me to call him during the day, if I wanted, and I did, he didn't pick up, and a couple hours he called, and the conversation made me sad for no reason.
He said he'd call me again tonight. I guess we'll see.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am actually sad about my relationship or just sad because of restriction and the effects it has on my depression.

catsIlove
01-22-2012, 06:15 PM
I don't think that is normal. Looking from the outset it does not look like a healthy relationship one you are struggling with your eating disorder and trying to overcome that and he has depression he doesn't seem to ready to face since he won't talk about it. Depression as well too is very life threatening so you both need to look at your issues. I think in early on you have to look and see if the person can give you what you want or in a position to do that. When I look at a relationship my main thing is does this person make me a better person and to me in seems like that may be lacking because he himself is not the person he wants to be. I hope I make some sense. I think as well since you are both sick you could actually be bringing each other down. He probably thinks why should I get better she is not and you know he is sick so that puts less insentitive for you to recover.

nefretiti
01-25-2012, 05:36 AM
i totally know where r u coming from. i found myself, with my ed and depression and all other issues, so often in relationships where i just felt sad. and i couldn't really say was it just me or was it the relationship that was making me like that. probably it was both, cause if i didn't have my issues i wouldn't have been ending up every time in the similar type of relationships. basically, my relationships would just be the same as me alone, repeating and confirming my troubles, mostly making them worse cause they were justifying the way i felt and putting me outside focus.

i started to realise this just recently. u know it took me quite a lot of time, eventhough i started thinking sth was wrong there in my way of choosing men a couple yeras ago when i was raped by the guy that was my ex bf at that time, my first love. imagine. still took me a lot of time later on to really rationalize and be aware what was exactly the problem there.

my new t gave me this book to read, and i suggest it to u: robin norwood - women who love too much. i don't know your story and i guess we all ahve diferent stories but what we do have in common is ed and relating patterns. where they come from, you will be the best person to know. please, try to find this book. is easy to read. a lot of real life stories. and might help you in your further reflection.

hugs

Flor
02-04-2012, 09:29 AM
Thank you so much for the advice... I was feeling so down that day and then he did call. And the next weekend I spent with him. I think that my anxiety feeds into my anxiety about our relationship.

In some ways, I think that the reason I have been able to stick to my meal plan better for the past week and a half is because, and my therapist is the one who noticed this when we were talking about a week ago, for the first time in my life I feel loved.

I have family issues. I know that everyone does. Long story short I have never recieved anything I needed: comfort, care, understanding, from parental or sibling relationships. It wasn't until college that experienced even an inkling of this from friendships. And when I met my boyfriend, it was like he gave things, a sense of importance, that I was beautiful and deserved food just like anyone else, that I was a good person, that NO ONE had ever given me.

I definitely think that the "he is sick, so I can be too" mentality is something I struggle with, and we talk abotu our struggles and we have had conversations about getting better together, and when one of us slips, and actually tells the other one, which is infrequent but not rare, we support and hold each other up.

I really allow my anxiety to creep into this relationship. Thinking about "how it should be" instead of how it is. Does anyone relate? I feel like I am placing my well-being on a twenty year old who loves me and is only twenty and dealing wiht many of his own issues.