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View Full Version : how do u not hate yourself for hurting someone, aka: break up


starforty
01-22-2012, 10:10 AM
I am going to break up with my b/f but I don't know wehther to tell him in person or over the phone. I was goign to wait until I see him after his kids go back with their mom...so we can get a chance to "talk" in person. I don't know if that is going to work though. He's asking me what's wrong. Is it worse to put it off so that I can do it in person...or just bite the bullet and do it over the phone.

I hate myself..so much. I am going to hurt a really nice person. I hate to have to do that to someone. How do I not turn that hurt inward and hate myself?

noparenthesis
01-22-2012, 11:25 AM
Do it in person. Doing it on the phone is...sort of a cop-out, I think, and it'll give you both a chance for closure and such.

Even though he is going to (understandably) be hurt, you are also doing the right thing for YOU, and ultimately honoring yourself by doing what you feel is right rather than being with someone that you don't want to be with. In the moment, it may feel like you're being hurtful and doing him a disservice, but in the long run...you're honoring yourself, as well as him by giving him a chance to find his own happiness.

framewall
01-22-2012, 12:16 PM
:hugonstar:hugoff

:ugh I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I can really relate. I just finished reading your other post too.
My situation is similar but opposite in a way...cuz I am crazy insane over the top attracted to my bf who isn't the nicest and we have many personality differences:ugh
I am currently on a 'I need distance" break from him too...and it feels like the break up is inevitable, but I am dragging it out by holding on to this thread of hope that he really is going to permanently change :ugh
Like you, I feel so so bad at hurting him:sad
But to stay in it is to continue hurting myself. (but I end up beating myself up anyway...so:confused)
Anyway...just wanted to offer you some hugs today.
:gimmehug

sflathinker
01-22-2012, 12:53 PM
This isn't about him or how he is going to feel. You cannot control how someone else reacts or how they are going to feel. This is about you, your feelings (or lack thereof) and being authentic. If you stay true to you and you are honest, then no one can take that away from you. If he needs to hate you in order to process his own pain and move on, then let him go through his process and move on in his way. He will find love again and be happy. You need to focus on your own feelings and work through your process. Personally, I wouldn't wait, but I'm the type of person who wouldn't be able to sleep tonight knowing there is something wrong. Others will disagree...but this isn't our life, this is your life and you need to make this decision. What do you want to do? What do you feel is right for you?

Who told you that you are supposed to hate yourself if you hurt someone? Where did you get that message? You are supposed to be try to yourself. Do you hate the people who have hurt you? Or have you come to understand that they were just trying to be happy and in essence, also help you to find happiness too.

helloballoon
01-22-2012, 01:19 PM
Breaking up with someone in person with a bit of an honest explanation is the kindest way to do it I think. I just put myself in their shoes.

But agree with Sflathinker that you can't control how he feels etc.

Just be kind, honest and respectful. That is all that you can expect of yourself.

Not wanting to be with someone anymore doesn't make you mean or bad. You don't deserve hate for it.

You are also a nice person and you would be hurting yourself to stay with someone bevause you feel bad about breaking up and not wanting to do that to a nice person.

Breaking up with someone is hard, I've been there a few times and it was less than fun. But doing it in person helped me respect myself.

Good luck. You're not doing anything wrong x

catsIlove
01-22-2012, 06:22 PM
Breaking up in person is the most kindest way to do it. The only exception would be if someone feels they could be threatened by the guy when they break up. There are cases of bad things happening to women who break up with men in person because they "wanted to do the right thing" . I don't know him but I would suggest doing it over coffee or in a public space just to be on the safe side.