View Full Version : Why do I keep running away if I think I want a man in my life?

01-22-2012, 10:00 AM
Hi all,

I'm starting to notice a pattern in my behavior regarding men and I don't know how to figure out whether it's due to baggage or if it's real intuition. I'd really appreciate some input on this because everyone I know just wants me to get into a relationship...any relationship. Here's the story, in list format (I think better this way).

I. There's a guy right now. I was set up with him two weeks ago through a friend and we've gone on two dates now. They both went pretty well for blind dates, but I cannot tell whether I'm into him or not. My mind keeps pointing out all of the things that are "wrong" with him (whether absolutely absurd or not): he's too nerdy, too conservative, wouldn't let me raise our children Catholic, other people would find him annoying, his laugh is totally geeky,his eyes look too much like an ex-bf's eyes, he would be way more into me than I am into him, people would wonder why I would date him, he wouldn't fit into my family....... and on and on and on.

II. I have no idea how I would ever know whether I had feelings for him, or even liked him as a person, with all of this stuff in my head.

III. I have totally shifted into "get the h*** out of there" mode. Even before I met him I was thinking about how I was going to get rid of him without any hurt feelings. I CANNOT look him in the eye and make every attempt to avoid physical contact. I feel like I would be "giving in" or binding myself to him or lying about how I felt about him if I let him kiss me.

IV. I know there is a "baggage element" to all of this. In my past two long-term relationships, I was definitely less into the guy than they were into me and I felt trapped, like I had to go along with it and give it time. I gave one of them four years and finally quit when I realized I would have to marry him if it went on any longer. The other was a friend that wouldn't stop bothering me about dating him so I did just "give in," even though I wasn't attracted to him. I DO NOT want to get into another "trapped" situation.

V. I feel that I need to have a boyfriend to be a normal person and that now that I'm twenty-five it's time to get that piece of the life puzzle in place. Like any time I meet a single guy there is the potential to check off that box on the list of success.

VI. I really want a fulfilling relationship but I don't believe it's possible to find someone who will really SEE me. When I've let friends in that close it has just exploded into horrible co-dependency and I can't let that happen. I can't be vulnerable.

VII. Wouldn't I be able to let some of these defenses down if I were truly attracted to someone? Maybe I really just don't like him that much. However, I feel like this any time I go on a date. Does that mean I haven't found someone I like yet or that I shut things down without giving the guy a real chance?

I feel really anxious and trapped right now and he wants to hang out this afternoon. I just can't do it while all of this stuff is in my head, so any insight would be VERY much appreciated. Thanks for reading this all the way through!!!:confused

01-23-2012, 08:35 PM
I can't tell you for sure if you are doing what I did or if there is something more going on behind it but I will just give you a quick incite to my personal experience and hope it will at least let you know you are not alone. Sorry in advance if it is kind of long.

So I have been jokingly described by my friends as not having a soul because I hate girly sappy love movies and always end up laughing at them when they cry when the girl finally gets the guy.

I don't like to say I'm cynical I prefer realistic. My parents couldn't make there marriage or future marriages work and I credited that to the fact that they thought it was supposed to be all love and easy. If I have learned anything from them it is that marriage and relationships are hard and it is vitally important to find a person you deem worth fighting for.

With this logic I the fact that I also hated the idea of opening up and being vulnerable I made the personal choice to not date anyone unless I truly believed I could have a future them, (not to say I am running to the alter anytime soon!).

I have had multiple guys try and convince me to date them but I refused because I knew they were more into it than I was and that there was no future and wanted to guard my heart (and to behonest my secrets).

I chose to never look for a relationship because when people look they settle. There were times when I would get concerned like will anyone ever love me if they knew me, will any guy ever look at me the why he looks at her, will some guy ever say the things he says about her, and once I do will I like him back, will I be able to open up?... the list of insecurities go on and on. But I had to be patient and believe that God would lead me to the right guy when the time was right.

Several weeks ago my greatest fear came true. I met a guy that I think is a truly amazing human being and a guy that thinks I am the same. I have never nor have I ever thought I could feel this way. So to sum this long rant up I have been pushing guys away since I was able to date too but once I found the RIGHT guy things just flowed and I could not be happier that I waited around for him. I was able to learn how to be comfortable single which makes being in a relationship all the more fun.

Don't know if that helps but it is all I got. Good luck :cheesy

01-23-2012, 11:20 PM
THANK YOU SO MUCH sick_of_the_fear for sharing that! It's funny that I feel the same way when my parents' marriage actually is very strong and I want to have what they have. I want to be with someone that I adore......and I have not met a guy like that yet.

But this makes me worry. What if there just isn't someone out there that I truly want and who truly wants me (and wants the real, ED-ed, anxious, not-so-put-together-as-I-seem me)? I tell myself that if God wants to me live a single life, that's his will. But I really want there to be someone! Being alone has its perks, but I don't want to be alone forever.

I guess deep down I'm afraid that the whole "love" thing that everyone says they have is a sham, like Santa Claus or something...a nice idea that no one wants to spoil for anyone else. I don't believe it will happen for me and that makes me feel devastated.

It's comforting to know that there are other people who feel this way. I wish you so much happiness!!!!!!!!

01-23-2012, 11:35 PM
believe me I was the same way and if I can admit that I get butterflies from a guy ANYONE CAN for real, you will find him just be patient and when I had those feelings I found praying about it really comforting.

Also the people who inspired me the most when it came to relationships was not TV or movies it was actually this band called Barlow Girl they are amazing musicians and role models I have had the opportunity to meet/see them a few times and if you get a chance I encourage you to read their blogs and youtube videos on dating they really helped me out when I was feeling the way you are now. (As a side note two of them actually suffered from ED's as well)

You are not alone and you can drop me a line anytime. :happy

01-24-2012, 12:15 AM
I agree with the refering to barlow girl they are amazing I want you to try to listen to a couple specific songs by them "never alone" and "porcelain heart" and "mirror"

01-30-2012, 07:11 AM
toddkaylie: the songs are wonderful!!! :lubdub

sick_of_the_fear: how are things going with the bf?

02-15-2012, 09:05 PM
Sorry this is a late response but first off I am glad you liked the songs then and many others are wonderful! :lubdub

As for the guy things are going really well. We just got out of the awkward stage and I just feel comfortable with him now. :happy Thank goodness the awkward stage is horrible no matter how much you like the person. Haha How are things with that guy? :sly