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View Full Version : argument with H makes me want to use ED to 'get back at him'


sprout
01-21-2012, 10:45 AM
how juvenile and immature is that?

...that I want to harm myself to make him feel bad, or sad, or sorry, or regretful.

Sometimes i really hate myself and the way I think about things. :sad

bellydancer
01-21-2012, 10:54 AM
I think that instead of tihnking of it as juvenile and immature (although it might be those things), you should think of it as sick and eating disordered. It's not a sign of immaturity, it's a sign of how deeply you are in your ED.

Hyzenthlay
01-21-2012, 11:23 AM
:hugonsprout:hugoff

More than anything, when I've felt like using behaviours to 'get back' at someone, I think I've been unloving and unkind. Not just to myself and my body, but to them.

You have a choice, even if you go ahead and use behaviours, to tell the person that you are struggling to deal with your feelings and that you know it is cruel and unhealthy to 'punish' someone by doing (behaviour), but you are still learning the healthy way of expressing and dealing with difficult emotions.

How do you know that he doesn't already feel bad, sad, or sorry?
Is him feeling worried/guilty/angry at you for using behaviours better than him feeling whatever feelings he feels when you talk through the problem that triggered this?

framewall
01-21-2012, 12:38 PM
:hugonSprout:hugoff

I can relate.

I have felt this way repeatedly over the many years of my illness. Most recently, in my current and rather troubled relationship I was kind of doing this...but this time it was more like trying to say 'you have caused me a tremendous amount of pain' and using my ed to speak those words for me.

Do you feel like it's more about 'getting back at' or trying to speak to your H that you are wanting to use the ed?

:gimmehug

haddon
01-21-2012, 02:32 PM
sprout...grrr...i hate that feeling and am sorry you are feeling that way. i used that approach for many years with my ex and he still didnt notice and all it got me was a bed in the hospital. i am so sorry he is causing you so much pain that you feel you have to harm yourself. can you talk to him about what you are feeling and how he is making you feel? i know, easier said than done, but sometimes men just dont "get" it, sometimes they dont even know we are upset and would rather us tell them.

helloballoon
01-21-2012, 02:36 PM
Oh sprout. I've had similar fleeting thoughts..

I'm sorry :gimmehug

I agree with BD. It's disordered thinking.

starforty
01-21-2012, 03:26 PM
Yep. Been there. It's a slippery slope. It only hurts you in a the long run, hun. Take care of yourself FOR yourself.

sprout
01-21-2012, 03:59 PM
Thanks for the support, fishies. :love


Bellydancer

You're right. I'll try to think of it that way. I think I get frustrated with myself when it's the first thing I jump to in my thoughts. It happens when I'm angry and feeling unheard.
And that wasn't because I didn't try to express myself. It was because he didn't listen and/or didn't care.

Hyzenthlay

I think at the time I wanted to be unkind. I was angry and i wanted to hurt him. I know that's nasty and I don't usually think that way.

How do you know that he doesn't already feel bad, sad, or sorry?
I guess I don't know. But I doubt it. If he did he wouldn't really say so.
Actually, about an hour ago as he was walking past me, I told him I was sorry for yelling at him. And he said he was sorry for yelling at me. So. That's that.

Is him feeling worried/guilty/angry at you for using behaviours better than him feeling whatever feelings he feels when you talk through the problem that triggered this?
That's an interesting question. I think it is better, becaue the feelings he had when we were talking about the problems were that I was wrong, that I am a bad mom, that I don't do enough and don't do anything right.


Stone Studier

Sorry you can relate!

Do you feel like it's more about 'getting back at' or trying to speak to your H that you are wanting to use the ed?
hmmmm.....had to think about this one. I don't think it is about trying to speak about wanting to use the ed. I never speak about that with my husband.

But I'm not so sure it's about 'getting back' at him either. I think when I feel anger I direct it inward, and when I feel people are angry at me, it scares me and maybe subconsciously i feel like if I can get them to feel pity instead it is better somehow, or safer.



haddon

I hear you and you're right this approach won't get me anywhere. I know it won't even work in the short-term, much less the long-term.

He knew I was upset because I we were yelling at each other. I don't know about telling him how I feel, and that being angry like that makes me want to harm myself. That almost seems manipulative in a way. I think it's just something I have to deal with on my own.


Mollywolly

Thanks for your support. :love
Yeah, it is disordered thinking. It helps to hear that too, so I don't spend an age beating myself up about what a loser I am.

Starforty

It's a good reminder and i do need to take care of myself no matter what someone else does. I can't use it as an excuse to self-destruct. Thanks.

framewall
01-21-2012, 04:20 PM
:shy what I meant to say was...are you using your ed instead of your voice.

I see now that I did not make that clear.

So, I mean, are there things you need to say to him? But instead are feeling angry and hurt and wanting to lash out....so rather than speak your feelings, you want to 'wear' them?

Let me try to explain a little more...

I know that there have been times over my ed history that I have wanted to, as you say, get back at people by using my ed by getting really sick by hurting myself etc. Sometimes it was even like 'to every man in the world...look at what you make me do to myself :mad' kinda thing :ohboy Sometimes it was more specific and directed toward one person. Usually, when it was directed toward a person it was less me wanting to get back at them and more that I was feeling so many overwhelming things that I did not know how else to express. A massive part of recovery, for me, is learning how to use my voice.

I hope that I am making a little more sense.

I would ask you...what are you feeling? What did the fight bring up for you? If you remove using the ed as an option to speak for you - what would you say to your H?

:gimmehug