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View Full Version : major relationship issues - frank (but gentle) advice wanted


starforty
01-20-2012, 12:41 PM
Iím in a conundrum. I have been seeing the guy I was dating from before the holiday. We have just been seeing where it was going. The holiday was awesome. He spent it with my family, and we had a fantastic time. I am STILL thinking it might not be ďjust right.Ē

Iím not super physically attracted to him and I wish I was. He is really one of the nicest, sweetest guys I know and I want it to work out. However, I donít know if I am super physically attracted to him. He has noticed a difference lately, and it is part of our discussions (almost on a weekly basis). He deserves someone who is going to love him and be attracted to him. I love him, but I also want him to have everything a good relationship has. Hell, I want it for myself.

He is a vegan, personal trainer (on the side) and that is difficult for me. He is also a type A personality, which sometimes clashes with my type A personality Ė we both are all ramped up and communication sometimes gets difficult.

My parents LOVE him, and he fits right in with my friends. I love his family and being with him. We also live an hour away from each other, which I know I have mentioned before. I moved this past weekend and it added about ten minutes. I made the commute to work from his place today and it was horrible. I was almost late for work. Itís not something Iím looking forward to doing again any time soon. Itís just too far for me to stay there during the weekday. He invited me over his place on Sunday for the day, but I see myself somewhat dreading the ride.

We do have a lot of similar interests and he does make me very happy. However, I wonder if we are right for each other. If I lose him, I think I would lose my best friend. Noone to talk to during the day. Noone to talk about my family issues, work, or health issues (heís really open and a great listener). Iíll essentially be alone. I am not afraid of being alone, donít get me wrong. I just wonder if he is more of a companion and best friend than a lover. How do you know this for sure? He has asked me the same thing Ė as in ďAre you sure this is what you really want Ė that you donít like me as a friend.Ē

Do I see myself with him in five years? I donít know the answer to that. I would hope so, but Iím not sure. Do I see myself without him? I donít know the answer to that either.

My counselor (who I am seeing in a little over a week) says that if Iím not sure, donít jump the gun. I usually tend to bounce into an action to try and avoid experiencing feelings and existing through a difficult time or issue. But, havenít I been doing this for some time now? Am I just questioning this because Iím afraid Iíll get hurt in the end? Am I fearful of commitment OR afraid of being alone? I really need some help guys. Someone give me insight into what Iím feeling, please! I feel like Iíve listed all the issues/concerns here and I need help deciphering themÖwhat is the underline thing my heart is telling me to do?

Iím also afraid of making the wrong decision. If itís the RIGHT decision, it will be okay in the long run! I never want to look back with regret. Life is filled with too many regrets and coulda-shoulda.

haddon
01-20-2012, 01:45 PM
star...i have been in a similar situation. i went back and forth every day trying to decide what to do...i loved him and loved alot of things about him and he was my very best friend in the world and had seen me at my worst and still loved me. i was so afraid of making the "wrong" decision so i stayed stuck. as you know, beauty fades...so i wouldn't put too much emphasis on his appearance as he seems to love you truly. but the bottom line is you have to do whats best for you. if you cant see yourself with him in five years then i wouldnt put anymore energy into the relationship. in my situation, i journaled about it everyday, and i looked back on my entries a year later (i was still in the relationship) and was kinda shocked that i was still writing about the exact same thing!!! it was then i decided to end it and not let anymore time slip by. i would say take your time but at the same time dont put it off...??? in other words write about it and reflect on your feelings and consider what life w/o him would be, but i hope you dont take over a year like i did.

sflathinker
01-20-2012, 03:49 PM
It only gets harder later. I have had a hell of a time being alone. I miss my ex, not because we had a great all around relationship (hes wouldn't be an ex if we did) but after two and a half years of back and forth and us being so entwined, he was my closest friend and lover. But it wasnt right. I couldn't let go. But like Haddon, I re-read old emails and was shocked, saddened and enlightened. Our first breakup two years ago was because of the same things we argue about today. Serious personality issues and doubts that we can ever "like" each other wholly as we are. Infact, he sent me a message using a term to describe me and I looked back at an email from two years ago when I broke it off explaining that I knew he didn't like me because of (insert term here). I wasted two years and a lot of confusion, heartbreak all because I wasn't totally sure. The thing is....I'm pretty sure that when it comes to not being sure about your feelings....you're sure.

Being alone isn't fun but being with the wrong person is worse. You'll know when you're ready to make a decision. I made the decision to be with him and don't regret it per se, but I wish I listened to what I knew. Once you know....listen.

rafferty
01-21-2012, 03:29 AM
The things you've mentioned here.... not being 'super' physically attracted to him.... and not liking the commute... are these the only things that you are questioning?

When you say not 'super' attracted... does that mean that you are attracted to him physically - but it doesn't have the 'wow' factor... or that you aren't physically attracted at all.

The commute issue.... well.... I can't help but think if you could get past this questioning of the relationship - the commute would be less of an issue. The commute isn't really a relationship issue as such - but when you are questioning the relationship - it suddenly becomes an inconvenience that you wonder whether it's worth it.

I think it comes down to what you are wanting in the relationship. 'super attraction' or attraction, plus companionship, friendship and kindness. What kind of physical attraction are you looking for?

:love

starforty
01-21-2012, 04:42 PM
I'm scared. I know what my feelings are and I know exactly what you guys are saying. DOn't take too long, figure it out on my own, listen tom my feelings, and don't be afraid to move on.

What do I want from the relationship? I want to be phsyically attracted to my parenter. I want to want to hug him, be with him, etc. RIght now I'm a little turned off be some of his personal and stuff. I think that's important to me, as much as I don't want it to be (or rather that I don't want to be judgemental). I think the only thing that seperates a good friendship from a relationship is that physical attraction. Which, I admit, I don't think is there.

THe distance is just that -Rafferty- an inconvenience. I think if I liked him as much as I should, the hour drive shouldn't be an issue. I would want to drive and see him. SOmetimes when I'm with him, I'd rather be on my own or spending time by myself. Maybe that's a key sign right there.

I talked on the phone with a friend who knows me really, really well...I think it's the right thing to do. I think my feelings are leading me toward breaking up with him. I don't want to settle. We both deserve better than that.

Now I'm just scared when to tell him and how. I don't think I've broken up with anyone I care for as much as I care for him. I want to let him down as gently as possible, but also be as clear as possible without leading him on in thinking that "some day" we get back together.

I afraid to tell him and am afraid of what I will do after we break up. How will I handle being alone. I said I wasn't afraid of being alone, which I'm not...it's more that I'm afriad of losing him as a great friend. We can't stay friends, I know that. It's not fair to either of us. I just don't know what I'll do with myself, how /if I will regress with my depression, my ED...I unfortunately think that it's inevitable. THAT is what scares me.

I should tell him in person, right? I do have some stuff at his place anyhow. I was supposed to go over tomorrow and play board games with him and his kids. If I don't go, he will know something's up. If I wait until Mon night to talk to him in person, he will know something is up. I hate to do it over the phone, but how will he NOT tell something is wrong?

starforty
01-21-2012, 04:48 PM
I haven't done anything all day - actually got a full night's sleep, and took two naps! It's horrible. All I want to do is go to bed and cry....

My only other option is to go to the gym (which was on my list of things to do - just to do something to get out of the house, since it's snowy here). So do I cry it out, or try and distract myself with exercise (even if it's just light and to get my body moving since I have done nothing today?

Also, I started him a quilt over this winter. I have it all made except backed and the border put on. I don't want to give it to him b/c a.) it will make him feel bad b.) he already said every time he sees it, he will think of me and c.) it's still going to take me a few weeks to finish it, that is IF I still have the desire to finish it. I'm thinking I should finish it and donate it. I don't want to break up with him and then in **** weeks send him a quilt I made him..that would be weird right?

So cry or exercise? I feel like I'm losing my best friend....

sflathinker
01-21-2012, 05:27 PM
Cry...and cry some more. It's cathartic. You are setting him free. And you are giving yourself the gift of doing something for you....and so much of what you do is always for others, this time you are making the decision for your own happiness.

starforty
01-22-2012, 10:05 AM
I did cry a bit, but I also went to bed early.

I spoke with the b/f this morning. He asked if I was coming over (game night with his kids). I said I wanted to do my own thing today. I kinda am feeling the depression a lot today - i don't want to do anything. I think part of that is because this is hanging over my head.

I think he knows something is up b/c he said "ok, I'll give you space today". I texted him and asked if we could get together tomorrow night to talk some more....since that's when his kids go back to their mom's house.

Is it better to wait until tomorrow night so I can tell him in person or do it over the phone. I hate to do it over the phone. He is a great person and odesn't deserve this. I feel like a horrible person...

axi
01-22-2012, 11:35 AM
In the long run, you are doing the best thing by not drawing this out.

sflathinker
01-22-2012, 12:50 PM
It doesn't matter whether you do it over the phone or in person. It's a breakup...it's going to be hard either way. He isn't going to enjoy it. the question is...will he be able to change your mind if you do it in person?