View Full Version : To tell or not tell

01-19-2012, 11:35 PM
I have just started dating this guys and were getting pretty serious like talking about future plans and stuff and he says he wants me to be his gf. Which I'm really excited about I haven't felt so good and happy around someone like this in a long time. There's one problem I struggle with...I feel like I have to choose my Ed or him and that's something I can't choose. All my past relationships I never told them I had an Ed and then when things started to get serious in our relationship I would break up with them. I'm tired I doing this to myself and fighting with my Ed. This time I am thinking maybe I should just be honest and tell him that yes I do have an Ed and I have my ups and downs up front so I don't feel the need to break up with him before my mind says he won't except that you have an Ed. What should I do? Any advice? I'm so tired of thinking they would hate me if I tell them the reason I am so thin or the way I eat. I don't want to be alone my whole life and I really think I am in love with this guy.

01-20-2012, 12:16 AM
I may get bashed for saying this but if you are really in love with him you would not want to have him live with you sick. You can recover from your eating disorder you don't have to manage your ed. Personally I think if you are going to get serious you have to let him know what is going on so he can make the decision to leave if you don't wan to recover. Personally I would not stay with someone choosing to stay sick but if someone were working towards recovery-and I could truly see that- I would give them a chance.
The ed isn't some separate entity to can learn tools to manage your thinking and get well. It will be forever hard to establish connections if you stay sick.

01-20-2012, 01:41 AM
I can totally relate to what you're saying!
I never let guys get to close, one because of trust issues, and two, because I don't want to have to deal with the whole ED issue.

Like you, I have started seeing a guy and feel like I should tell him if things get more serious. It's hard though. Sorry for not giving you better advice but you are not alone. Hopefully it turns out ok.

All I can say is that if he cares about you then it shouldn't matter to him if you have an ED. Perhaps he can even help you fight it: extra support never hurts if it's legitimate :)

Best of Luck!

01-20-2012, 09:38 AM
He deserves to know so he can make a choice of whether he is strong enough and capable of being a partner to someone who needs more than the average girl. We fool ourselves into believing that our eds don't effect anyone else but they do. And if you are going to attempt a relationship then real intimacy requires honesty.

01-24-2012, 12:00 PM
Yeah you guys are right he deserves to know I just don't know how to go about telling him. Any advice on how to tell him. I don't want to lose anyone else over this stupid Ed. I feel torn.

01-24-2012, 03:34 PM
I remember the night I first told my bf. I sat so we were facing each other, I took his hand and I said, "there's something I want to talk about." I told him some of the story (not the whole thing because I didn't want to overwhelm him), and then I said that it was something that I'm still dealing with, but that I'm working on recovery.

Advice I would give, look him in the eye and sit across from him. Try to explain what your ED means to you, but don't go too in-depth too quickly. And then tell him what you're doing to recover <--that is KEY! I don't know about you, but my bf is more receptive when I tell him, "yes I have this problem, but here's how I'm trying to help myself." Be honest with him, like others have said, he deserves to know the truth because realistically, this is an issue that will become part of your relationship. Finally, I would define what you want his role to be. For instance, when I told my bf, I said, "I'm telling you this because I want you to support my decision to recover. It's hard, I have good and bad days, so what I'm really asking from you is to listen without judging and understand that this is a problem that I'm working through."

There's no right way, in my opinion. But honesty is very important. You have to decide what to say without crossing the lines of too much info and not enough, and a lot of that depends on the type of person he is. If you're really unsure, perhaps write down an outline of what you want to say so you can organize your thoughts. Then, once you feel confident, sit him down for a serious talk. It's not going to be easy, but you'll be a stronger person for opening yourself up like that. Good luck, you can do this!

01-25-2012, 01:25 PM
I told my fiance a couple weeks after we started dating that I had an eating disorder. We started out long distance, so I wrote him a letter and emailed it to him, then asked him to read it and we skyped afterward to talk about it. I think putting it in writing can make it easier on you even in person, because you can be more careful about what you say, but being there to answer questions makes it easier for a significant other to process and understand. As others have said, honesty is the most important thing with this, and it's a relief to have the secret off your chest. Good luck!

01-25-2012, 11:17 PM
Mjseven: I guess you're right it is very important to be honest you advice actually relapse helped me plan how to go about it so thanks...now what is important is actually doing it...I have a tendency to put things off forever but I guess I better tell him now rather than later in case he decides to split. If he left I would feel so horrible so I hope he understands. God I wish this was not so hard...barely anyone knows about my Ed.

Justanna: thanks for your advice as well maybe the letter would be a good icebreaker to this uncomfortable and hard situation to understand. Plus maybe if I write a letter it will outline my thoughts like Mjseven said to do

Thanks guys for all your posts