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View Full Version : My perception of how I believe someone perceives me


images
01-19-2012, 02:15 PM
I am working on a lengthy, personal graduate school application. It has many writing pieces.

I know someone who I met through a state conference hosted by the state coalition against sexual assault. Embarrassingly, I told her too much. I was really stressed out, and while I did not tell her details, I wish I would have conducted myself in a more professional manner. So I believe she already thinks negatively of me.

She offered to review some writing I had for my graduate school application. She very recently graduated from a masters counseling program so I thought she would be ideal and I accepted her offer. But now I am embarrassed and nervous because she probably thinks less of me now. I do not know why it matters so much but it does!

Problem: I am anxious and sad (which makes me not be able to focus and want to use behaviors) because of what I assume her perception of me to be.
I could:
check the facts..aka ask her... but I think that asking her, hey do you think worse of me now or think I am stupid, would not help!
ignore it... I ignore a lot of things and I am discovering this is not the greatest thing for me
post here and hope for more answers... doing that! :winky

bellydancer
01-19-2012, 02:19 PM
Why do you think she thinks less of you?

images
01-19-2012, 02:21 PM
I thinks she thinks less of me because:
-my writing was awful, not competent
-I exposed a lot in the writings due to the nature of the prompts

mjseven
01-19-2012, 04:18 PM
For me personally, I never let ANYONE read my writing because I'm so self conscious. I didn't even let anyone read my med school essays! So I applaud your ability to do that!

First of all, exposing a bit about yourself is not always a bad thing, but too much can work against you. And I'm sure if this woman feels like you've been too open, she will tell you. Don't take that negatively though, and don't think that she's saying that AND thinks less of you. She's trying to help you. And I doubt, unless you've admitted to some horrible crime, that she thinks less of you. I know how stressful these applications can be, but don't be too hard on yourself. Think of what a great accomplishment it is to get this far! Good for you! Whatever feedback she gives you, don't take that as a reflection of yourself, she's trying to help you accomplish your goals, not judge you as a person.

Second, I wouldn't say that you're "ignoring" her by not asking what she thinks of you. To be honest, I don't know if there's a non-awkward way to ask someone bluntly if they think less of you because of what you wrote. But I will say this, if she thinks less of you for being open about struggles in your life, then that's her problem, not yours. I would say to wait to hear what she says about your writings, and then see how you feel.

Good luck on your grad school applications! I'm sure you did fine, and congrats for pursuing a higher degree! :)

bellydancer
01-19-2012, 04:45 PM
If she offered to give you feedback on your grad school essay, then surely she does not expect it to be perfect. If she's taking the time to look at it for you, then she probably thinks highly of you, or at least what she knows of you so far. She offered to help you after meeting you at this conference, so if you had made a bad impression, I doubt she would have done that.

If you met at a conference regarding sexual assault and you're entering a counseling program, then she likely has a lot of experience in that field and she's not going to be shocked by what you have to say. A lot of people who go into that field have histories of similar issues themselves. You're likely to not be unusual. If the prompts were structured to elicit a passionate personal response, then surely she'll read your essay with that in mind.

If she feels that what you have to say is too open, then she will tell you that. Keep in mind that if she tells you that, it doesn't mean she thinks less of you or thinks you're a bad person or a bad candidate. She would be giving you pointers on how to get into grad school. Again, that's not something you give to someone you don't like. Also, if you go into grad school, your work is going to be evaluated and critiqued. You have to understand that the evaluation and critique is not a personal attack against you, nor does it indicate the person involved thinks less of you. Are you sure you're able to make this distinction?

It would be weird to me if someone I had met once in a professional setting asked me if I liked them. That to me would be weird, yes. To me, that sounds like someone with poor boundaries and a lot of insecurity.

I think it seems like there's a bigger problem here, and that's that, first, you are making a lot of assumptions about this person without any actual evidence. Second, you seem to be taking an offer for feedback on your application as a validation of you as a person. You shouldn't hang so much of your self-esteem on one person like this. Do you typically do this in your life?

images
01-20-2012, 02:49 AM
Sorry I did not get to replying to this yesterday. You both posted some awesome thoughts! Tomorrow after work I will reply.

images
01-20-2012, 07:41 PM
mjseven :bounce Thank you for replying! :love

So I applaud your ability to do that!
Thank you... that is a good point, I did allow her to read it.

she will tell you.
Objectively I really do think she would... Yeah.

Whatever feedback she gives you, don't take that as a reflection of yourself, she's trying to help you accomplish your goals, not judge you as a person.
That she is... she is what I asked for too.


Good luck on your grad school applications! I'm sure you did fine, and congrats for pursuing a higher degree! :)
Thanks! :supergrin

bellydancer :love Thanks for your (challenging) feedback! :peace

If she offered to give you feedback on your grad school essay, then surely she does not expect it to be perfect.
Good point to remember

If she's taking the time to look at it for you, then she probably thinks highly of you, or at least what she knows of you so far.
I want to believe this but I fear it is a pity/pathetic thing.

She offered to help you after meeting you at this conference, so if you had made a bad impression, I doubt she would have done that.
I am thinking on this... :lookin

If you met at a conference regarding sexual assault and you're entering a counseling program, then she likely has a lot of experience in that field and she's not going to be shocked by what you have to say.
That is true I know for a fact. She is a counselor too.

If the prompts were structured to elicit a passionate personal response, then surely she'll read your essay with that in mind.
I think she did do that. On one she did specify that she believes I am responding with what the prompt was looking for.

If she feels that what you have to say is too open, then she will tell you that.
She did specify that one part was too graphic. So I believe this.

Keep in mind that if she tells you that, it doesn't mean she thinks less of you or thinks you're a bad person or a bad candidate. She would be giving you pointers on how to get into grad school.
I believe that constructive criticism is helpful and not an attack on me. I do believe that her exposure to my poor writing and personal would lower her perception of me.

Again, that's not something you give to someone you don't like.
ehhh.... I suppose. :ummm

Also, if you go into grad school, your work is going to be evaluated and critiqued. You have to understand that the evaluation and critique is not a personal attack against you, nor does it indicate the person involved thinks less of you. Are you sure you're able to make this distinction?
I am pretty sure... I enjoy constructive criticism and being critiqued because it does help me improve and I understand this academically. On the other hand, unless my work is perfect (which it never is) I do not think the professor approves of me.

It would be weird to me if someone I had met once in a professional setting asked me if I liked them. That to me would be weird, yes. To me, that sounds like someone with poor boundaries and a lot of insecurity.
Amen. I am glad I did not ask her, and thank you for describing why you agree. However... I do have poor boundaries and am very insecure. :ugh

I think it seems like there's a bigger problem here, and that's that, first, you are making a lot of assumptions about this person without any actual evidence. Second, you seem to be taking an offer for feedback on your application as a validation of you as a person. You shouldn't hang so much of your self-esteem on one person like this. Do you typically do this in your life?
I am making a lot of assumptions. That is true. ...so do I just not consider how these things have influenced her view of me?
There are some key people in my life that I hang my self-esteem on yes... like my therapist, one friend who I admire, and my husband. These are people whose approval and positive regard feel nurturing and really make me cool with existing. This does seem to be a problem huh. Sigh.

bellydancer
01-20-2012, 08:02 PM
Images,

Well, I can tell you that if someone I disliked, held in low esteem or thought was incompetent asked for my assistance getting into grad school, I wouldn't help them. I certainly wouldn't offer to help them.

I do believe that her exposure to my poor writing and personal would lower her perception of me.
OK. So what if it does? She's just someone who went through the program and is giving you help. Why does this person that you scarcely know hold so much control over you?

so do I just not consider how these things have influenced her view of me?
You can't control her view of you, so why fret about it? She shouldn't matter that much to you at this point in your relationship.

images
01-20-2012, 10:21 PM
Well, I can tell you that if someone I disliked, held in low esteem or thought was incompetent asked for my assistance getting into grad school, I wouldn't help them. I certainly wouldn't offer to help them.
That is good to know!

Why does this person that you scarcely know hold so much control over you?
She is kind, older than me, female, interesting... that how maternal figure thing. :ummm:ohboy


She shouldn't matter that much to you at this point in your relationship.
You are right, she really should not. My interaction with her is minimal, and in the future I seriously doubt it will ever increase.

I think... I get "addicted" to the high of chasing the idea of the maternal role in my life, "addicted" to the intense insecure anxiety, and "addicted" to the intense exhilarating emotions surrounding it - no matter how good/bad. And of course, all I want is approval, acceptance, and positive regard from that person so of course their perception is all mighty... but this in itself is a problem. :whateva Gosh dangit, I never thought it would get into all of this! But thank you, at least it does help me lower the intensity of the fear/anxiety I originally began with! :hairy It does help me focus back on the real issue... not that I am sure what to do with that. :ohboy