View Full Version : What to do?!?

01-18-2012, 03:14 PM
I really really need advice!!
I was hospitalized about a year ago for my ED. Thank heavens, because it saved my life. I have struggled for years. I went to an intensive outpatient treatment, still struggled. But at least I was doing something about it. During my time in treatment, I unfortunately got a DUI and lost my job because of it. I got a new job pretty quickly and soon met a lot of new people. I met a guy at work and we soon started dating. I have always had issues with guys, as I have some trauma in my past. Well, I'm not sure if I should have even been dating, as I was in recovery, but struggling significantly. I told him this on like our second date. He said he will be there and what not. Well, Mark and I started hanging out a lot. I was doing better with ED and was feeling less depressed. My friend needed a place to live and Mark had recently lost his job. I was thinking I could help everyone out by subletting my apartment to my friend and moving in with Mark to help him pay rent. It was going good, even though Mark and I had dated for only like **** months when I moved in. However, it has been like **** months now of him having no job and I have been fully supporting him and our two dogs. I work constantly and still attend a significant amount of appoinmtents, which cost money. MY therapist encouraged me to move out on my own again and to worry about just me. Mark has caused me a lot of stress, not only financially, but definitely mentally. He is ten years older than me, and you would never know it. I told him I needed to move out on my own and he got really mad and made me feel so guilty and crappy. He also has no phone, and has been needing to use mine for the past four months. His drug use is really high, and I don't use at all. I have given him the opportunity to take advantage of my money, whether he meant to or not, not sure. I don't really think I have feelings for him anymore, and I am not sure if it is because I have recently been relapsing or what.
I have made tons of positive changes lately and I feel like it is still him who is pulling me down. I have quit smoking and drinking within the past month and am applying for grad school. I have kept all my appointments and have made progress in getting the DUI off my record, but I have to do random UA's weekly. Which is hard having MArk smoking weed and drinking all the time.
All in all, I tried to break up with him the other day. He told me I can't, because he fell in love with me. He says I'm the only thing going good in his life right now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him, but I don't. I shouldn't be ambivalent like this. I feel like I am making progress in getting my life together, but he can't. I don't know if it would be better to break up with him. I can't move into my apartment until Feb. ****, which is like two weeks away. So, I still have to sleep in the same bed and stuff. It's so weird. I don't know what to think or do. What is right? My ED symptoms are popping up again. My doctor threatened to put me back in the hospital last week. I feel stuck. What do i do? What's wrong with me? Am I intentionally pushing him away, or do I just not have feelings for Mark anymore?

01-18-2012, 05:06 PM
flyermel sadly you are doing all the giving. His "love" is merely a word if he can't respect and give back to the relationship by helping out financially, attempting to improve his behaviours and so on. I would most definitely trust your instincts here - this relationship IS dragging you down - big time. I admire you for doing as well as you have. If your feelings for him are really strong and you think the relationship is worth salvaging tell him his "love" is not being displayed by him using and disrespecting you. Ask him if he can change or try to. You will guage very quickly what his answer will be by his actions. Then I would encourage a fresh start for you without him in your life.

01-18-2012, 05:25 PM
He is not working or paying the bills, but he has money for drinking and drugs? That is completely messed up and you should not put up with it at all. No wonder you are stressed out, especially since he knows you are a recovering alcoholic and he is drinking around you.

Serena for Serenity
01-18-2012, 10:09 PM
Sorry to hear about your situation and how you are feeling :gimmehug. I agree with what the others have posted, it seems like he is making no effort in the relationship and him saying that he 'loves' you just doesn't make up for his lack of being an adult and being an equal partner in the relationship. It is not fair to you to pay all of the bills, support him and his drug habits, and then be made to feel guilty for his 'happiness'. You are only responsible for yourself and your happiness and it doesn't seem like you are very happy...Take it from someone who has been in some SHITTY relationships, when you can move in to your new place, break it off with this guy completely and just take care of you. Congrats on taking positive steps in your life, getting sober is no small feat, so keep up the hard work. I know it will hurt to break it off with him, but if your Ed is popping back up and you are only feeling drained...it's time to leave. Maybe you could stay with a friend for the next two weeks or figure out a different sleeping arrangement? Either way, YOU can leave him and deserve way better. :yay