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View Full Version : Recovery = increasingly horrible relationship decisions


Ananke
01-16-2012, 01:46 AM
I can never figure out how to categorize my posts. This could probably go in the AN board or the student board as well. Feel free to movie it if inappropriately posted.

So I have finally started recovery after relapsing for the past six months; unfortunately starting recovery seems to mostly consist of failing to follow a meal plan, losing more weight, feeling hopeless, and making increasingly poor decisions about every relationship in my life. I am not doing what I need to do for school, I continue to pursue a romantic relationship with an unavailable friend (who is actually kind of cruel, or at least callous, toward me), and I feel uglier than I ever have. Right now I just want to give up on trying to get better, but I continue to look for a way to fight against that impulse. I am drinking too much (and have had too much to drink tonight, sorry), and I am not eating enough. I don't know what steps I should take except those I have already taken, and those don't seem to be working. Therapy + RD + pdoc + doc seems to be as much help as I can marshal without going into IOP or IP, and nobody would actually let me into IOP or IP given that I am not even that good at having an eating disorder. The student counseling center didn't even thing I needed therapy until my RD freaked out.

I don't even know what I am doing by writing this message. Maybe I am just venting or maybe I am looking for someone to tell me things will get better. I need someone to tell me I am not fat and someone will find me attractive (even if that person is not my somewhat cruel friend whom I want so desperately), but I know that isn't really something an online community can provide without seeing me. I hate everything about me right now, and I think I just want someone to say something to make me feel better.

Well, now that I have asked for the impossible, it is time for me to apologize for being so sad and needy. I do realize I am asking for the impossible, and I am sorry for imposing that burden on others. Like I said, maybe I am just venting. I know I am the only one to blame for putting myself in such an awful position, and I can't really expect someone else to fix it for me. Thank you for reading : (

coffee-
01-16-2012, 01:54 AM
Sometimes venting is just what you need!
I think recovery really complicates relationship issues: going out is hard enough, we have an ED to take along with us!
We're also faced with the decision of prioritization: date vs. ED. It can mess things up!
Someone who is worth it will like you for you, no matter where you are in your recovery and how much you do or do not weigh. For this person you need to be healthy, cause they will care about you!

framewall
01-16-2012, 01:56 AM
:hugonAnanke:hugoff

I wish I could say something to help you to feel better :shy

But I am feeling pretty awful myself...so all I have to offer is some understanding and a gentle hug if you want it.

:gimmehug

axi
01-16-2012, 08:09 AM
It seems like you are panicking at the thought of giving up your ED, which is natural. You seem to be seeking the validation that you got from ED in other places such as drinking and chasing a guy that is unavailable.

Do you think you could promise to not contact him for x number of days and stick to it?

I don't think that others telling you that you are not fat would fix your issue. I am sure many people have told you that, yet here you still are. I think it's the need for validation from ourselves, not others, that drives our ED's.

Ananke
01-16-2012, 11:08 AM
Thanks everyone. I am feeling a little bit better this morning. Venting must have helped. :supergrin

I am sure a lot of my problems right now can be attributed to freaking out about giving up my eating disorder. Recovery the first time was a lot easier, and I am scared by how much I am struggling this time around.

I don't know what to do about my friend. This relationship is bad news, my friend would be terrible to date, and I end up hurt every time we are together. We say we are friends, but our emotional connection is more like boyfriend and girlfriend, and we spend huge amounts of time together. I am not even sure avoidance is an option given the way law school works. I spend all of my time in classes, studying, or at social events with this person.

When I said I needed distance, my friend got angry and suggested I merely pretended to be a friend in order to establish a romantic relationship. First of all, that isn't even a little bit true. I wasn't initially interested, and the romantic feelings developed only after increasingly levels of reciprocal emotional intimacy over a period of months. Second, my friend knows I have an ED, rejected me last month, and knows I am incredibly depressed - is it really so unreasonable to expect that I would establish some boundaries in this relationship? Isn't it kind of understandable that I wouldn't want to hear about oh, I don't know the person my friend decided to date instead of me?! Third, I was pissed off. Don't I get a little bit of latitude to overreact when I am angry? I mean, I wasn't yelly or throwing stuff or anything. I just overreacted to a disclosure that I didn't want to hear (and maybe shouldn't have had to hear) and pushed my friend away a bit.

Grrr, now I am getting angry again, but at least anger is better than self-flagellation. :reallymad

I don't want the friendship to end, but I feel like I am being treated poorly here. Am I out of line? Is it reasonable for friends to think other friends should be able to help them process their romantic feelings regardless of the history?

iKiwi
01-16-2012, 02:11 PM
I think your instincts are spot on. Which makes me wonder why you aren't acting on them instead of giving in to your self-destructive streak.

Your friend sounds like they are being a jerk. And you sound like you have a right to be angry because they are exploiting your affection for them.

So why don't you act on your anger, and walk away from them? Why are you giving that person a power over you that they don't deserve?