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TamarRuth
01-15-2012, 04:04 PM
Hey :fishy

I haven't been around much, but I still think of you all and wish you all the best.

I could use some thoughts on the following conundrum...

there's a guy.

and basically I'm not ready for there to be a guy around. and in a span of four or so days, I've decided to cope I'm going to restrict in order to blunt every single emotion I have because I know that's what happens when I do that, in order to avoid getting attached, being fearful, etc etc

the guy also is a good friend. and typically a good support for this kind of stuff, but since all of a sudden he's now the guy in the phrase "there's a guy" I don't feel like I can use him for support. He'd be really unhappy to know that I was responding to this experimental phase of whatever the hell it's called in the world of liking someone, by engaging in behaviors and trying to blunt all emotions.

I am really stuck. I can literally feel myself being pulled in a spiral downward.

escape needed
01-15-2012, 04:48 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you aren't having an easy time of it.

How would restricting helping you deal with these feelings in the long term. What other things can you do. How can you use your voice to share what you do or don't want from this situation

Take care of yourself
Safe :gimmehug if wanted

TamarRuth
01-15-2012, 05:17 PM
:hugon escape needed :hugoff

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and for the good and challenging question.

Restriction will NOT help long term. I'll run into this situation again most likely, and have no way to deal with it because I'll have run away from it this time if I resort to behaviors.

Immediate stuff I can do would be to distract, do some breathing, take a shower...

Other ways to use my voice...oh god, I feel like i've been doing that too much. I think this guy is taking a "hands off" approach with me because I am so easily frightened. So anything that comes up in conversation is my own initiative. So I feel like all the talking that's happening is already me.

I want this to stop. I do not want to like him. I do not want him to like me. I want fear, liking, sadness, to go away. I want to feel numb.

escape needed
01-15-2012, 06:00 PM
Are you sure you want to not like him. Being scared of something isn't the same as not wanting it. Thats not an easy question to asnwer I know.

Good idea on the immediate things to help you distract from your negative thoughts :yay

There is nothing wrong with talking to him. You have the choice to talk just as much as he has the choice to listen. If he felt you were talking too much he could chose not to listen or inolve himself in conversation. If he hasn't backed off then that is his decision.

Being numb keeps you away from the good as well as the bad. Life is full of experience, learning to live with them thats the challenge. One worth fighting for

mollyo
01-15-2012, 06:08 PM
Hi TR!

First, it's really good that you're noticing and posting about this instead of just disappearing into it.

This might be completely wrong for you, but this is just a guess based on me:
My only suggestion would be to try to slow everything in your head wayyyy down. Breathe, sit with it, tease it out, and write it down for yourself. It sounds like you have a llt of different emotions, thoughts, reactions and fears crowded in your head. Maybe you can start with just one strand at a time and follow it back to the first thought or feeling that sparked it and look closely at that first twinge, .and fact-check it, problem solve it, breathe through it. Do that for each thread until they are less tangled and you feel more able to see them clearly and do an actual written pros and cons list of risking a bit of trust and care and relationship.

are you in a place in yoru life now where there is room for a bit of openness and curiosity about adding parts to your life and experiencing things?

TamarRuth
01-16-2012, 11:37 AM
:hugon escape needed :hugoff

You're right, it's such not an easy question. I really don't know. I think in my head, if I "destroy" my emotions then I don't actually have to answer that question....because I won't have emotions to choose from anymore.

I should probably give the guy more credit. you're absolutely right he doesn't have to listen to me. But I have this HUGE fear of burning people out. Which I've yet to do, but I feel like I could. I'm not sure how to even begin to explain what's happening in my head. It also is a triggering situation from past stuff, and so, it's even more complicated...no one likes to deal with someone like that, right?

:hugon mollyo :hugoff

Thanks for the validation. Much appreciated.

I like your idea. I like it a lot. It's actually an idea I'm going to use today with the three thousand other overwhelming things going on too. :winky I probably could try this technique with at least one thought, see where it leads me. Although usually I end up in catastrophe...and I'm not sure how to check those facts.

I'm probably not in a place for new things? Although my T and friends might agree. I think the new things for me might be helping to push the recovery forward, if that makes sense. I tend to rise to a challenge, and have been, surprisingly able to do A LOT with my ED, and it reinforces this idea that i can have it and do everything I want. Relationships are one of the areas where this is less true. So in some ways it's good...in some ways..I'm still really not super stable with my emotions (obviously!) so it's really hard to say.

Oy. :winky

escape needed
01-16-2012, 03:05 PM
In my opinion it isn't all that easy to destroy emotions. They have a clever way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.

I'd keep looking at the notion of burning people out. I do empathise with you on this point as it is a big worry for myself as well. But its about trust. I have to trust I spend time with people who can set boundaries. If I am getting 'too much' then I trust that they will be able to tell me that. And whilst that would be difficult to hear, it wouldn't be a judgement on me or them, it would just be how it is at the moment.

Someone once said to me that I did people a disservice by assuming that they couldn't be there for me. I'm always there for other people but I don't allow them to be there for me - which doesn't give them a chance to show how supportive can be. Allowing myself to show 'weakness' around others is a chance for them to feel good about what a supportive friend they are. I don't know if that makes sense but I know what I mean

No-one likes dealing with triggering situations from the past, but people often will do things that aren't easy because it is worth it in the long run. Again just because it isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't worth it

TamarRuth
01-16-2012, 06:13 PM
:hugon escape needed :hugoff

thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful insights. :love

Yea, destroying emotions hasn't worked for me yet. Not sure why I keep trying. :winky

Someone once said to me that I did people a disservice by assuming that they couldn't be there for me. I'm always there for other people but I don't allow them to be there for me
I have heard this idea too. And I fully agree with it when it applies to everyone but myself. It does boil down to trust. And I actually typically ask out right, that people tell me if something is too much for them. That I understand that it could be, and I'm accepting of boundaries, in fact I'm too good with boundaries. I have boundaries like brick walls. So I could check the facts on that by knowing that I have asked people to tell me if I'm too much--and then trust that they will.

I'm not sure if it's worth it in the long run. I'm not sure I'll ever be "healthy" at least that's how I feel right now. So...it's really hard to say...it scares me.

I would also like to say, because it made my mom laugh and laugh, that all that happened to put me on my strike against emotions and mission to eliminate any feeling toward "this guy" was that I let him hold my hand. Right. I am days back into awful habits because of THAT. How does that happen?!

escape needed
01-16-2012, 06:30 PM
There are plenty of stories on this site of people who have made it to other side and have recovered healthily. I'm not there yet - I'm a work in progress - but I do hope I'll get there. It will be hard work though. That which is worthwhile isn't often easy

It is that sense of trust - other people deserve to have that trust from you. Let them worry about their boundaries. It is their own choice where to draw boundary lines. I like your idea of checking out the facts - in the past you've been able to warn people they can back off - and then taking that leap of faith we will.

And I fully agree with it when it applies to everyone but myselfOut of all the things that makes you special and unique and worthwhile - I'm pretty sure this isn't it. We have more in common with other people than we have differences. Margaret Mead, a famous anthropologist, puts it nicely Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

How does any of this happen - if something triggered this off again, then thats a signal its something to work on. Its not a sign of anything more than you are still a work in progress

Take care of yourself