View Full Version : First Big Conflict with Best Friend

01-14-2012, 10:14 AM
This is a long story, but basically I have a really good friend who has never expressed anger at me. She tells me if she is mad at someone else but seldom addresses them directly.
Yesterday for various reasons I became extremely worried that she was suicidal and was acting on it. I ended up calling her case manager and then the poice for a welfare check as she was not returing my calls or texts when I knew she was home and was expecting her to call me.
Turns out she was depressed but had just turned off her phone. She is mad that I jumped to conclusions and had the police at her door. This was not an easy decision to make, but in my mind there were red flags that, as someone who cares about her, I simply could not ignore.
As of today she has only briefly emailed and texted.

I guess the point of writing is to say how very hard this is for me. At this point I feel bad that I did something that upset her, that I did not trust that she was ok. But I am also angry that even when she knew how worried I was, she waited hours to get back to me. I hate conlfict and am worried about if and when this will get resolved.

I emailed her this morning saying that i hope we would both cool off and hopefully talk soon, and that I have come to undertand her point of view but felt I had to do what I did.
Thanks for listening.


01-14-2012, 11:02 AM
Better to be safe than sorry skippy. I'd happily choose a friend being furious at me, if it could potentially have been life saving.

On this occasion she didn't need the help you sent. But easily she could have needed it.

You did the right thing skippy. IMO.

Don't beat yourself up, just let her calm down x

01-14-2012, 11:49 AM
I agree with Molly.

I will also say that your friends reactions is too be expected in that type of situation. Not that it would change what you decided to do of course. I know I would do the same and expect to be put in the dogbox after.

Why do you think you are angry with her?
What is going through your mind?

01-14-2012, 02:13 PM
Thanks. She and I are slowly ironing this out I think and hope, though via email inspite of my requests to talk in rt.
My anger comes form the fact that she knew I was worried enough to call the police yet waited hours to let me know she was ok. I felt really tortured by that, though I realize she was just too upset and angry to contact me right away.
There were a lot of reasons why I did what I did, based on her history and recent statements and actions. I do not regret what I did based on what info I had at that time, and I appreciate your validation. Naturally I feel stupid to find out I was off, but yes, I knew it might come down to her being pissed (and maybe not forgiving me). I was willing to take that chance. I don't know if I could have ever forgiven myself if I had missed/ignored cues.

What makes it a bit harder is that I know I sometimes project my feelings onto others. If I see a stranger on a bridge just standing there, I may jump (no pun intended) to conclusions that are totally off. I know what it is like to feel desperate and on the edge and have no one know. That some kind of contact or recognition can make the difference between a life saved and a life gone leads me to act more on the side of caution.

Thanks again. Skippy

01-14-2012, 03:25 PM
Hey :hugon skippy :hugoff

I'm sorry you had to cope with such a difficult situation. Hopefully your friend will come to see that you cared more about her life than you cared about her possibly being mad. That is true care.


01-14-2012, 03:43 PM
The reason she probably doesn't want to talk is she might not be able to stand up for herself to you or truly dislikes confrontation. Email is a safe way to express yourself without having to feel as defensive. If she is your best friend then she knows you and knows you were looking out for her. If she feels your decision was off base she will tell you that. If will require you both apologize for hurting each other though...whether you made the right decision or not, she obviously feels you over reacted.

01-14-2012, 05:55 PM
skippy...you made the right decision to call for help, even if your friend cant see that right now, someday she will. you said she was depressed and she probably isnt thinking too clearly and is so involved in her own pain/problems that she cant think about anyone elses feelings right now. give her time. i think deep down, while she might be embarrased or whatever, she realizes how much you care for her. you are a good and caring friend and she is blessed to have you, and given some time, she'll remember those things.

01-15-2012, 08:51 AM
Thanks. Yeah, I know she does not like conflict at all (uhg, neither do I). So I know this was a big thing for her, as it was for me. I agree the email is just easier for her at the moment. I just don't think it is a good way to communicate emotional stuff at all.
I sure hope she will see that all of this was bc I care so much and worry about her. She is very reluctant to tell even her t when she is suicidal, thinking no one can help. I have had to push her a LOT in the past to get the whole truth about what is going on. In fact, my prodding led her to go into the hospital about six months ago (she really needed it and later thanked me).
Anyway, I hope she will call me before long.