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Glygirl
01-13-2012, 09:50 PM
I have a few relationship issues but this one nags at me and I would love any opinion. As with a previous thread - which I subsequently closed because I wasn't ready to deal with it - I will try and divorce myself to an extent from too much personal "connection" to this question.
What happens when there can be no compromise or meeting half-way on an issue? If someone is so firmly against something you would like to do that if you went ahead and did it anyway you would be exactly as bad as they are because you haven't respected their wishes.
:challenge

axi
01-13-2012, 10:05 PM
If it is something that is insurmountable, then you may need to end the relationship. For example, if my husband wanted to live in the US and I absolutely wanted to live in Spain, we obviously couldn't live together. Some things can't be overcome, but you owe it to yourself and him to discuss it and make sure there is no room for compromise.

Glygirl
01-13-2012, 10:19 PM
The issues I speak of are not as dramatic as both wanting to live elsewhere, but not being able to meet halfway means that one or the other has to "give in". If one party will NEVER give way on the issue, no matter what, there seems to be no option for the other party but to eventually "shut up" (or rebel and be as stubborn and unrelenting as the other.) One HAS to give in in this scenario don't they?

trika
01-13-2012, 10:26 PM
Hey, Glygirl - I just saw you have this thread open, and do you mind me asking for more information here? I feel like what you have shared so far is quite vague, and I don't want to share my perspective when I know so little. Maybe this is a sensitive subject for you, and I respect that. I just want to respond but don't know how.

helloballoon
01-14-2012, 03:08 AM
Poor GG :lubdub ... So it's his way or nothing :( That's not right. Relationships are about compromise and one person not always feeling their wishes aren't important. It's like there's no discussion allowed. His way or the high way.

It's hard to be in this position. But if a person always bends to the other person, then it just exacerbates the problem. Sometimes taking a stand might be important.

Would it be possible to say 'ok I'll agree to x if you agree to y?'

Consistently standing up for what you believe in and what you want- I think that's important. Easier said than done, yes.

But your wishes and opinions are just as valid and worthwhile as anybody elses. Just because one person doesn't agree, doesn't take away from this fact

What you want and wish for and think is all valid. It's important. Your wishes are important. X

Glygirl
01-14-2012, 04:12 AM
I will possibly expand more tomorrow. The *thing* that triggered this post is not so big in the context of *it's* importance but huge in the context of how it affects the relationship. Sorry, even more vague! Thanks MW & TRIKA.

helloballoon
01-14-2012, 04:20 AM
Is this directly about the post that you wanted closed? :lubdub

Glygirl
01-14-2012, 06:14 PM
no not directly MW - a different issue - that is another that drives me nuts also but really cannot handle that one and I'm not sure how it may relate to the context of this one? Possible i expect. I'm putting my thoughts out there, as below. Sounds a bit like trivial stuff and maybe it is. I hate that I feel compelled to ask opinion re this.

Glygirl
01-14-2012, 06:16 PM
I still want to divorce myself from this as much as I can though I understand you can see through the distancing. It is still somewhat easier?

As I said it is not so much the issue. It is the significance, I think, of what underlies the issue. So here goes, honesty, foolishness, frailty, whatever you like to call it...
One partner abhors Facebook and all internet “friendships”, support groups, creative groups whatever. Another partner has siblings, overseas cousins, grown up children, grandchildren who all share news, views and photos via FB all who wish for the last remaining non FB member of the family to share with them. They find it difficult to understand the view of the FB disliker, explaining privacy can be maintained if wished and there is no danger if used with caution. They also find it hard to understand how the other partner, more receptive to the idea, just can’t persuade the other or go ahead and do it anyway. The FB hater says loudly with no room for an opposing view “there will NEVER be a FB account at our house”. Also says “on-line chat rooms, support groups, anything that puts you “out there” are DEFINITELY NOT ON at our house” – so the other partner does sometimes go ahead and use these things quietly – not as an act of defiance but to truly “reach out” at times because reaching out in his/her own circle sometimes seems impossible. This partner who sometimes reaches out quietly can shut up accounts at times when feeling stronger and “feel better” because, for a while, there is one less secret.
Recently the partner receptive to internet creative forums re-ignited an account with a poetry forum – quietly, unknown to the FB hating partner who ridicules the writing of poetry anyway so two things are now being done without knowledge of the other. All OK till some fan requests (which shouldn’t have but there was a problem with the privacy settings, oh wow! Wouldn’t the FB hating partner have had a ball with that one!) began coming into the business email and the FB hating partner was dismayed – “look at this, what the hell are these fan requests coming in from this site” – the other partner could have stood up and said “they are from a poetry site I’ve joined” and face the wrath and indignation but instead said “don’t know” and regretfully went in and closed the account.
So as I said, the issues are not important. The non hating FB partner can in fact live without FB and can function without on-line empathy and support though that is a tad more difficult. The sad part of all this is, I think, that the FB hating partner is so adamant in opinion that there is no leeway for the other to suggest they explore together and see if it is OK? And the partner who loves to write has a part of them that the other doesn’t want to recognise – and I think it is sad for that other partner also because they don’t get to know the other as an individual, they want to shut off that side of them and only see what parts they want to see.
So the FB hating partner leads the way and the other follows meekly – as has done for years and years – and there seems to be two solutions “put up and shut up” (not ideal but easiest because only one person gets hurt) or say hooray.
Very unsure about this post – the other partner would die of disgust and embarrassment.
There it is, silly stuff, stuff that can be handled if someone always loses and someone always wins - the way it has been for ever and will be despite this "rant":ummm

ducksquack
01-14-2012, 06:27 PM
From what you are describing it sounds totally
unreasonable for one partner to dictate what
the other partner has a right to do.

Being on Facebook and using it as a tool to
share with family and friends is perfectly ok
in my opinion. I use it to communicate with
my son and granddaughter as well as friends.

I use Skype to communicate with my friends
all over the world and I enjoy hearing their
voices and seeing their faces.

If someone told me I was not allowed to use
these or any other online sites I would say
'do NOT tell me what I can do. If you chose
to not use the internet so be it but dont ever
tell me I cant'.

This sounds like a very unhealthy situation to me.

god bless.

nc
01-14-2012, 06:55 PM
My husband dislikes facebook and does not get it. That is his right. I like facebook. I play a game on there and communicate with friends and family members. That is my right.

I do not impose my will on him nor does he impose his will on me.

Honestly, if I were in that situation I would simply say he could do as he wished but would have to deal with me doing as I wished. The most I might do is not use my known name and use a dedicated email account not associated with anything else in my life, but I would not hide it, that would simply be my compromise.

Why the need to "divorce" yourself from the situation when writing about it?

Glygirl
01-14-2012, 07:25 PM
NC divorcing myself sounds a bit lame but I thought it might give others a more general idea? Also I guess it hurts to be the yielding partner. Yes, it hurts a lot because I feel weak, hen-pecked, non equal, submissive, all of these things. Well I am all of those things - and the pathetic child gives way to the pathetic adult..
I see many people give advice on this site about "standing up" no matter what. Sometimes they just cannot see the venom that prevents it. Sometimes it just doesn't seem feasible. Sometimes allowing yourself to die a little inside, yet still function, is preferable to be wrapped in that venom on a daily basis.
Thanks DQ for your input. I know in my heart this is all unhealthy but I feel mightily trapped.

dermaline
01-14-2012, 07:35 PM
I think there are a lot of concerns here.

Person a likes keeping in touch and is open to new technology. And loves poetry.
Person b seems to judge and look down on the essence of who person a is.
Person b also seems to feel they have a right to decide how person a lives and interacts with loved ones as well as how they spend their leisure time.
Person a doesn't seem to be able to own their own right to express themselves and their personality. Person a even speaks of things in terms of not being "defiance" which is really a term we would expect if person B was the parent.
Person a is not deciding how person b is expressing themselves or living their life.

Person a possibly has many emotions involved in this. Maybe anger, shame, betrayal, resentment, hurt and fear.

???

Sorry ((glygirl))
I just saw your post. I wont edit what I said but will say that I know it isn't easy. I actually grew up in a household where speaking up would and did backfire and was no use as it was not safe to do so.
But I also think some costs are too high and we dont know how much others can change until we push them a bit.And push ourselves a bit. It certainly isnt easy. But the cost to self respect and any true wellbeing of not can be too high.
It can be quite astonishing how others can change when we do.

ducksquack
01-14-2012, 08:08 PM
Sometimes allowing yourself to die a little inside, yet still function, is preferable to be wrapped in that venom on a daily basis.

Venom is a very scary and powerful word and I would
never recommend confronting someone who is very
dangerous or has the potential to be.

I do hope you look at resources that can be of help to
you as 'allowingt yourself to die a little inside' is a very
horrible way to live.

god bless.

axi
01-14-2012, 09:27 PM
I think that this is very irrational and unfair. Partner A is closing Partner B off from family and support that B needs, while also discouraging Partner B from doing something that they love and ridiculing it, which makes B feel small and foolish for enjoying it.

Even if partners disagree on things, they shouldn't give ultimatums and disparage something that the other partner enjoys. I personally hate,hate,hate sports on tv. It is boring to me and I would rather do almost anything than have to sit there and watch them. My husband adores football and hockey. I don't tell him how stupid it is to watch them on tv or that it is a waste of time or that we will never watch sports in the house. Instead, I let him watch it when he wants and often record my show so that he can watch the game live. If I don't have something else to do, I will play on my laptop or read a book while cuddling with him. Partners should encourage each other's passions even if they don't quite understand them and they should not require their partner to give up their main way of communicating with their families. He may not be as tech savvy as you, but that doesn't mean he can't learn or respect your wishes.

sprout
01-14-2012, 09:41 PM
:love Glygirl :love

There are some things that truly cannot be compromised. When I saw the title of your thread, I thought of a situation in my life - I wanted to have a third child and my husband didn't. NO way to compromise on that one! Can't have half a child, or have a child for only have the time - lol. :sarcasm
So it was really hard but something i had to 'give in' about.

I really think though, in this situation you are descrbing, it's not that there CAN'T be compromise; it's that there doesn't NEED to be compromise. One person doesn't have to do FB, and one person can use FB if they want to. There is no need for either person to try to impose their will on the other - both can be happy.

To me, FB and online communication is so mainstream that for someone to demand that another person not use it would almost be like insisting they not use the phone and instead write and send paper letters! It doesn't make any sense and seems as if the person is just trying to be controlling.

sflathinker
01-14-2012, 09:53 PM
My ex was very opinionated and while I am too, I live the way I want to live and allow others to. In relationships it's not that easy. If he insists that he wants a partner that lives his way, then he wants to dominate his partner and wants someone submissive. My ex admitted he wanted that and went as far as to tell me that most women were submissive and I was weird for being strong willed. Like your partner, he didn't like fb and believed that I should share his beliefs because if I wasn't with him, I was against him. Ultimately, this is why we broke up. We lacked harmony. I believe there is a compromise in everything, but I don't think you should have to compromise how you spend your leisure time online so long as it is beneficial and not harmful. If you were on fb looking at pictures and feeling bad about yourself and complaining...I could understand him suggesting you not go on there. But you are not a child, you are an equal. Some men seem to believe that 'their women' will abide by their rules. Have you talked about how this makes you feel?

trika
01-15-2012, 01:04 AM
Oh, Glygirl, my heart just goes out to you. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation to me...

This may be SUPER random, and I rarely do things like this. But I want to share a story that I heard years ago about Stalin (the Russian dictator). It came to mind as I read about what you are experiencing in your relationship. Maybe you will see why I saw a connection, too.

Here it is.

When Josef Stalin was on his deathbed he called in two likely successors, to test which one of the two had a better knack for ruling the country.

He ordered two birds to be brought in and presented one bird to each of the two candidates.

The first one grabbed the bird, but was so afraid that the bird could free himself from his grip and fly away that he squeezed his hand very hard, and when he opened his palm, the bird was dead.

Seeing the disapproving look on Stalin's face and being afraid to repeat his rival's mistake, the second candidate loosened his grip so much that the bird freed himself and flew away.

Stalin looked at both of them scornfully. "Bring me a bird!" he ordered.

They did.

Stalin took the bird by its legs and slowly, one by one, he plucked all the feathers from the bird's little body.

Then he opened his palm. The bird was laying there naked, shivering, helpless.

Stalin looked at him, smiled gently and said, "You see... and he is even thankful for the human warmth coming out of my palm."



Though I heard this story years ago, it just VIVIDLY came to my mind as I read through what you are currently experiencing. I feel like you are that BEAUTIFUL, gifted bird, Glygirl. And I feel like someone is trying to be a bit of a dictator in your life by gradually plucking at your colorful, vibrant feathers to make you increasingly more dependent and submissive over time.

Do you see this? Am I being dramatic? It's just that when you use words like "venom," I can't help but see this as being a really sad and painful situation for you. I am so sorry to hear about it. And I'm also angry because you deserve better than this. You're right, this isn't just about one incident of Facebook...I'm sure this applies to many different things in your life. There is some serious oppression and manipulation going on in this relationship. You TRULY deserve far better than this! You don't need the warmth of some dictator's palm when your gorgeous feathers are more than enough to keep you warm and make you fly.

Glygirl, please don't let anyone pluck-out your feathers!!! :parrot

trika
01-15-2012, 04:18 AM
And Glygirl...I know it's easier said than done. I get that. I know there is likely a long and sordid history that goes along with all of this, and I'm sure it is scary (to say the least) for you to even consider challenging how the relationship has functioned...ahem, dysfunctioned...for so long. Your role has been an extremely submissive one from what I gather, and it surprises me to see that when I feel that you have such a strong voice and presence here. Glygirl, I know I can't solve this...no one here can, and I know you're not asking for us to do so. I wish I could help more, that's for sure. My Dad was extremely impatient and often oppressive. He made demands left and right and things had to be just his way a lot of the time...or he would explode. He was abusive in a variety of ways. I only mention this because I want you to know that I can at least slightly understand how awful it can feel to think that there is a tyrant in your midst and that you are stuck living as a scared citizen of your own home.

Glygirl, you're probably sick of me. Oh, dear...I hope not! But I get intense about this because I just can't NOT care about you at this point. Is there anything you can do to speak to your husband in a way that shows you care about his perspective but that you also need for him to kindly stop viewing YOUR innate and sacred agency and freedom to choose to be his for the taking? There has got to be a way to gradually speak-up for yourself, Glygirl...and I don't know the details of your situation. You do, of course. I can't give specific advice, but I just desperately wish the best for you, :love GG :love.

dermaline
01-15-2012, 05:17 AM
You may be feeling a little overwelmed at present and as if pandoras box has been opened but I really hope you know that it is ok to discuss here.
And that when people put forward thoughts or ideas they are not telling you what to do but giving you an outside perspective of what they know of the situations.
And it is quite possible that many people here have some understanding even if each of our situations is unique.

I think its v brave that you at last looking at this. I see a change in you and new strength and need to something better for yourself. And full recovery. These are the types of situations that stop true full recovery. Dynamics that leave us feeling controlled, humiliated and as if we need to hide our very "selves". The essence of who we are. All to appease someone elses feelings of power and control.

I hope you wont just close this all up again and pretend it isnt there. Even though it is painful it is very important.

trika
01-15-2012, 02:30 PM
I just want to say that I agree with dermaline. I have been thinking about you and about this thread, and I am realizing that my responses have been quite emotionally-charged ones, and I don't want for you to regret having opened-up to us about this. I got intense about this not because I think you are a weak or pitiful creature that needs to be defended by others. I got intense because I know you are a powerful woman who is being forced to hide her strength. And that just doesn't sit well with me.

I am so glad that you shared what you have shared because it is real, it matters, and it needs to be challenged and changed. You have truly done a brave thing, and please don't stop being brave. This is how it starts to change, by processing your thoughts and your experiences with those who care about you. :gimmehug

framewall
01-15-2012, 03:13 PM
:hugonGlygirl:hugoff

wow. I so relate to this.

My current (soon to be ex?:sad:ugh) bf hates FB. He will not and can not go on because of his job but does not want me on it. We don't live together so that makes it easier.... I don't 'lie' about it...but I just don't talk about it either. :ugh

I really understand.
I am sad to hear your fear.
I wonder of you realize that dying inside and/or being wrapped in venom are not your only options?

There are other options Glygirl.

I will leave it here for now.
Please know I understand and I hear you.

I hope you will come back to this thread and continue the discussion, think through and talk through your feelings about it all.

We're here for you :gimmehug

framewall
01-15-2012, 03:16 PM
ps - I just needed to say wow :hugontrika!:hugoff
That story is amazing! It made me cry.. :touched It speaks to my situation right now too :sad

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 05:00 PM
Your replies are so genuine and supportive and I thank you. THANK YOU ALL - at this point I am not able to respond individually, I hope you'll forgive me.I had a dream last night about a young boy with no body - he had a head only (wierd I know, my dreams) yet he was happy. His father was proud of him too. I said to the bodyless boy "you are just the right size to nip around people's ankles"......
and I woke up and regretted this post because I know that one can still do that (nip around ankles) when somewhat incomplete.
I also regret some words I used above, like venom - grossly unfair and exaggerated - I want to go in and edit that if I can?
My viewpoint is I have a lot! Some things are great - some maybe not so, but isn't that the case everywhere?
What I have to do is cling to the things I have that are good, make the most of those things. And I also HAVE TO ACCEPT MY OWN ROLE IN THE SCENARIOS ABOVE - MY OWN FEARS, INSULAR NATURE, INABILITY TO CONTINUE TO STAND UP ETC. ETC. IT TAKES TWO ALWAYS AND I HAVE TO STOP BLAMING AND START DO-ING TO MAKE SURE I COMMUNICATE MY VIEWS ON FAIRNESS, EQUALITY ETC.
I'm not sure if I will come back to this other than to respond to some individuals. It has been helpful to me to put out the question but I'm also ashamed of being so dramatic in what I believe now to be unfair and one-sided. THAT I BELIEVE WAS THE MOST UNHEALTHY THING ABOUT WHAT I SAID IN THIS THREAD.
thank you all again

framewall
01-15-2012, 05:27 PM
:hugonglygirl:hugoff

I hope I am not being bothersome by replying again to a thread you said you're not sure about coming back to...however...I felt I needed to say how much your response is SO much like me!!! I could have written all of it! All of the apologies and the feeling bad for being too one-sided too dramatic and all of it! Read any of my posts about my relationship recently and you'll see.
It's so strange how easy things are to see in other peoples situations and not our own.

:gimmehug

trika
01-15-2012, 07:34 PM
Hey, Glygirl! Good to hear back from you!

I understand how much you don't like to be or seem "dramatic" because I don't like to, either. I definitely understand where you're coming from with all that. But I hope you know that I didn't see your posts as being dramatic. Please know that it's also okay for you to express what you need to express in any given moment...sometimes we feel those extreme emotions for a reason, even if they seem exaggerated at times, there is often quite a bit of truth in them.

But I respect and appreciate the clarifications you have made. I think that what I most appreciated reading from you was when you said, "And I also HAVE TO ACCEPT MY OWN ROLE IN THE SCENARIOS ABOVE - MY OWN FEARS, INSULAR NATURE, INABILITY TO CONTINUE TO STAND UP ETC. ETC. IT TAKES TWO ALWAYS AND I HAVE TO STOP BLAMING AND START DO-ING TO MAKE SURE I COMMUNICATE MY VIEWS ON FAIRNESS, EQUALITY ETC."

That seems like a great and insightful self-assessment, GG, though I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. I also hope that you won't entirely discount or discredit your other previously-written posts because I feel they came from a sincere place within you, too. Sure, you maybe felt like what you wrote was a bit "unfair and exaggerated" in some regards, but honestly, I think you were just trying to express the struggle you have been having in your relationship AS WELL AS the struggle you are having INWARDLY...the struggle to be firm in demanding that your own needs/wants be met as well, the struggle to speak-up consistently in the relationship, the struggle to be seen as an equal partner. I think you are feeling restless right now, and I think that is entirely normal and actually good...it means you are trying to seek after something better and something healthier.

But you're right, it does "take two," and I believe that you have every capacity necessary to contribute to the solutions as you feel you have in contributing to the problems. I think you are very wise and capable, GG, and I hope you can apply that to what you are facing right now. I am always interested to know how you're doing and always happy to cheer you onward as you so often do for me. :gimmehug

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 07:36 PM
caroline thanks, I know I am more inclined to step aside than make waves. What I really need to determine is what is truthfully worth making waves about. I see much more clearly today and I have to stop pointing the finger away from myself.

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 07:38 PM
DUCKSQUACK you picked up on a word I had no right to use. But thank you for your concern

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 07:40 PM
AXI I agree with the point about encouraging a partners passions. It is a bit sad to for the partner who doesn't want to or can't because they don't see their partners entirity.

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 07:43 PM
SPROUT I liked that answer. In the scenario re FB it shouldn't be a matter of one trying to convince the other either way. I actually respect my H's wishes on this and I've used it as an example of an issue but I'm not going to be any the worse for not using it. I can "get around" it by using more email etc. etc.

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 07:46 PM
SFLATTHINKER your response also gave me something to think about. It is not the FB thing that is at issue, it is the sense of feeling unequal. Beleive me I am actually working to correct that despite the "doom and gloom" I generated in the earlier part of these posts.

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 07:47 PM
And from slflatthinker down i will respond personally later> much stronger today

dermaline
01-15-2012, 07:48 PM
(((Glygirl)))

I dont think people are talking about facebook or poetry really. They are commenting on what this symbolises which is I think what you were doing too. And what it symbolises is important.

But it seems you are now blaming yourself for something?
see much more clearly today and I have to stop pointing the finger away from myself.
Would you like to discuss this more with us?

I actually respect my H's wishes on this
Would you like to explain this to us a little?

I dont see your original post as doom and gloom at all. I saw it as being honest with both us and yourself.

Do you think you judge yourself when you are not able to shrug off things or are upset or angry? Do you see those feelings and thoughts as "wrong" and shamefull and try to get rid of them?

Do you feel you always have to be upbeat and positive and non complaining?

trika
01-15-2012, 07:50 PM
Take your time, GG. Just know that I'm with you, and I'm glad you are feeling stronger today. :love

I second what dermaline has said because it reflects what I have said earlier about hoping you wouldn't entirely discount your first posts on this subject. I felt like the woman writing those first few posts was a passionate woman with a determination to speak-up and to exercise her right to defend herself. Sure..."maybe" some bits were exaggerated and all that, but like I said, I feel like underneath it all there is a burning truth in your words, regardless of how dramatic you think that may have been. This truly isn't just about Facebook. This truly isn't just about poetry. It's about your freedom. It's about your inborn, innate rights as a human being. I don't think you should have to cower to the demands of another and place so much "blame" on yourself. What an unpleasant cycle. I think that is something you are really used to doing, though, so I can see why it is truly a struggle to break free from it.

Please do continue talking about this with us when you feel ready to do so. :love

ducksquack
01-15-2012, 07:59 PM
The FB hater says loudly with no room for an opposing view “there will NEVER be a FB account at our house”. Also says “on-line chat rooms, support groups, anything that puts you “out there” are DEFINITELY NOT ON at our house” – so the other partner does sometimes go ahead and use these things quietly – not as an act of defiance but to truly “reach out” at times because reaching out in his/her own circle sometimes seems impossible. This partner who sometimes reaches out quietly can shut up accounts at times when feeling stronger and “feel better” because, for a while, there is one less secret.

This is what I consider totally unhealthy and you seemed
to explain it very clearly and certainly didnt seem to be a
drama queen at all.

You also mentioned that your husband was like someonelses
husband so I dont see you being a drama queen in any way.

Yes we do need to each own our own responsibilities and make
the necessary changes so we stand up for ourselves but it appears
that you may be the only one doing it is what I sense.

If I am wrong then I am wrong and you are of course free to
disregard my opinions.

god bless.

trika
01-15-2012, 08:00 PM
Question for you, GG: How does your partner respond to you when you firmly share your opinion and ask that your needs/wants be met?

Glygirl
01-15-2012, 09:38 PM
Caroline, TRIKA. Stonestudier, Ducksquack all your thoughts and challenges are quite overwhelming. Some valid thoughts and opportunity for thought from me. It is daunting but I will try over the course of today and the next day or so.
I still can't back down from my use of the word "venom" - that was too strong and unfair because in his own way my H loves and cares about me.
Stone studier I will check out your posts some time soon. Knowing others relate is always helpful.
Everyone else I will try and respond when I can. I do want to explore this further even though it feels wrong to me to be discussing another in their absence and not allowing them opportunity to retaliate. But then in another sense I know that (his) retaliation can drown my voice and this time I'm determined for that not to happen.

trika
01-15-2012, 09:50 PM
I just think it's AWESOME to hear that you don't plan on backing-down or running away from anyone during all this...not your husband and not even us! I'm glad you're willing to process this with us because this isn't about "hating" on your husband...I think I speak for most (if not all) of us when I say that we wish for your relationship to heal and to be a HEALTHY, HAPPY one. We don't wish to create more problems between the two of you if solutions exist! So...all that being said, please take your time and respond when you are ready. No pressure, no judgments, no rush... I am just glad you are delving into this even when it feels uncomfortable to do so.

trika
01-15-2012, 09:54 PM
Oh...and I am sorry to overwhelm! I realize we all kind of "swooped in" at the same time, and it probably feels like a lot to process. Just please regard our responses as signs that you have people who care a bunch. :)

Glygirl
01-16-2012, 01:43 AM
thanks, I WILL do some more responding tomorrow. I appreciate all your support - and I also feel proud I didn't run away from this thread and the underlying difficulties behind it as this morning I did intend to! I intended to delete, deface and again turn my back.

TRIKA you are so generous to keep coming back to this - sorry I haven't been back in to your threads but I will soon.
x

framewall
01-16-2012, 01:49 AM
I am proud of you too!

My tendency can be to run and hide and avoid....so I relate to the desire to do that...but you didn't :yay

:happy

trika
01-16-2012, 02:54 AM
Sweet GG, no worries! :gimmehug There is enough in life to feel guilty and stressed about, I don't want to add to that burden ever! I know you'll come back to my threads whenever the heck you're ready to come back! :winky It's not like I'm keeping track. I already know that you care. You've definitely proven that. This discovery/recovery process takes time, and there will be up's and down's and times when we'll want to post here and times when we won't. I understand that, and I think it's perfectly normal. I know you'll be back when you're good and ready. Just take care of my friend, GG. :love

And also...I'm definitely proud of you, too, for sitting with all the discomforts of a thread that makes you feel vulnerable. I think that's simply awesome, and please know that if you need time, take it. Just don't give-up on it. You deserve to see where it leads you.

Glygirl
01-16-2012, 04:40 PM
Although I know there are others to respond to - TRIKA, Stonestudier, DQ and anyone else I've missed - thank you for your support and encouragement for me to "see this thread out". For today (or at least until much later) for now I want to respond to Caroline's challenging post after I responded to your original replies to this thread.

I dont think people are talking about facebook or poetry really. They are commenting on what this symbolises which is I think what you were doing too. And what it symbolises is important.
Exactly right. And those two things, though both irk me to an extent are not anywhere near the crux of the issue I've raised.
But it seems you are now blaming yourself for something?
see much more clearly today and I have to stop pointing the finger away from myself.
Would you like to discuss this more with us?
Yes, I blame myself for being the one who "has to" (so it seems) back down. I really don't want to exert my viewpoint to the point that he backs down either by the way. Ideally we could compromise as was the original question. Ideally we could appreciate each others points of view and work through things so any problems for either could be confronted together and worked through. I feel inadequate in that I can't seem to get across that sense of sharing in all aspects. I have been told I am "weak" where my H is concerned because I don't nag at him to help me do things for example. I blame myself to an extent for being the agreeable, mostly non-complaining, diligent, multi-tasked person I am - sounds an odd thing to blame myself for but there it is. H has a mother who is all that I am - in that line above - and more! And there is a lot of my "truths" leaching from that perhaps and that is indeed another story
I actually respect my H's wishes on this
Would you like to explain this to us a little?
I mean I can appreciate and respect his point of view. Doesn't mean I don't have my own. It means, despite me using it as an example in this post, it is one issue I don't necessarily see the need to keep pressing him on.
I dont see your original post as doom and gloom at all. I saw it as being honest with both us and yourself.
Thank you for that. In the heat of emotion I sometimes think I over dramatise? There was honesty yes, but "hanging out your dirty linen to air" has always been a "no-no" for h and his family and that has rubbed off. It is very much the same on my side come to that.
Do you think you judge yourself when you are not able to shrug off things or are upset or angry? Do you see those feelings and thoughts as "wrong" and shamefull and try to get rid of them?
To an extent. Because there are so many people in this world with worse things to worry about. My issues seem minor and selfish in comparison. I've always felt this way - I live in the "lucky country". I have a lovely family and we all "get on" - not deep and meaningfuls, but light, friendly stuff and that is more than other people have. Fresh air, no overly concerning money issues, I'm reasonably healthy, never physically abused...work is busy but keeps me occupied..I could go on.
Do you feel you always have to be upbeat and positive and non complaining?
Someone else quizzed me on that point and it is really interesting! I considered this to be a good thing not a negative? I think without thinking "positive" pulling myself mostly (not done of course, hence I'm still here exploring) from the throes of bulimia would not have happened. Positive to me means living with hope and without hope there is none. I do complain at times - with H it s usually an "explosion" because he is generally "amused" when I get a bit uptight and that amusement fires me up even more! I saw on this forum where someone else said she has never won an argument with her H. I'll say amen to that.

My little "war" to stand up has been going on for years but I have made inroads. Early in or marriage if I made a meal my H didn't fancy he would demand I cook something else for him. That would NEVER happen today. And two years ago I joined a creative class that took me away from him and our work for three hours a week. He didn't like it, but got used to it.

trika
01-16-2012, 05:00 PM
I hear you, GG, and I am just glad you are here working through it all so calmly and openly. I just saw today in another thread that you listed "not feeling heard in your relationship" as a trigger for you. So it just makes me happy to see that you are willing to be open about this and to challenge it in any way that you can. Just please remember that though you are a major peacemaker and positive person by nature (so am I, believe me...and it really is overall a VERY good thing), it isn't wrong to let the truth be known, regardless of how negative or complaining or selfish it may SEEM to discuss it and focus on it for a little while. It has to be focused on if it is going to be changed. It is obviously something that affects you to enough of an extent to trigger you, so it is obviously something that deserves your attention. And it's okay to give it attention! This issue is real, so please never "unvalidate" yourself, please. Sure...there are PLENTY of other people in this enormous world with PLENTY of horrific problems that they have to deal with, but that does not mean that YOUR problems (big and small) should be shoved aside and be considered selfish to talk about and sort through. I support you as you move through this and figure-out how you can continue to make yourself TRULY HEARD in your relationship. I think you are being very brave bringing up this thread in the first place and sticking with it.

Glygirl
01-16-2012, 10:32 PM
TRIKA I was moved by your story earlier on in this thread.
I can see the connection although in a wierd way being insular has protected me from being plucked all together. There are things I've refused to "give away" including empathy for others, creativity, care, concern for those I love and many in the world I don't know personally, the essence of my soul and who I am is surprisingly still very much intact.

I am thinking I may "quieten" down on this thread a little - not "run away" - because I know there are things that need to be dealt with - but just ease up on the intensity.

dermaline
01-17-2012, 10:10 AM
Ideally we could compromise as was the original question.
Why is it ideal that you compromise on how you choose to use your leisure time or express who you are? How is it ideal that you compromise and how and which of your loved ones you keep touch with?

sounds an odd thing to blame myself for but there it is.
I actually don't think it's a strange thing to be concerned about.

I mean I can appreciate and respect his point of view.
Hmmm... but do you really? It means enough to you that you have had to resort to hiding and sneaking about. Do you really respect his point of view? It seems to me that maybe you feel angry hurt and controlled.

There was honesty yes, but "hanging out your dirty linen to air" has always been a "no-no" for h and his family and that has rubbed off. It is very much the same on my side come to that.

I think you need to address this as it seems v problematic to me that you don't feel able to discuss these issues without thinking of it as airing dirty laundry.
I have had that sense from you. That you touch on something and then backtrack.

I considered this to be a good thing not a negative?
I am not making a judgment of how this plays out for you Glygirl but here are some thoughts.
There is a huge difference between being positive in the sense of:
I can face difficult situations and emotions and cope healthily and win.
I can look at the good in my life whilst not avoiding what needs to change.
I can see the good in people but without ignoring what is not/the truth.
I can enjoy and notice when I am happy and can also be honest when I am sad or angry.

There is a difference between positive thinking and avoidance.
Being "positive" for some can be a way of avoiding the uncomfortable truths and difficult feelings. Of even hiding their real selves form others and themselves. It can also be a way of rejecting all of the parts of us that don't fit within a certain role or ideal that we or others set for us.
That can mean we are not allowed to be sad or angry or hurt. That is not realistic as all human beings experience all feelings. Rejecting them tends to mean we express them in other unhealthy ways.

Some people have a problem in life wanting to be seen as vulnerable so that they are looked after and may often be often negative. Others want to be seen as always compliant and calm and "good". Still others confuse anger with strength. None of those are healthy.

with H it s usually an "explosion
Do you think you are passive in general and then loose it in an aggressive way with him?


Can you see this for how problematic it is:
idn't fancy he would demand I cook something else for him. That would NEVER happen today. And two years ago I joined a creative class that took me away from him and our work for three hours a week. He didn't like it, but got used to it.
I suspect you partly do. Maybe not quite though.


I know I sound like a stuck record but this is why T is really what is needed here. If you had had some as a backing then just working on it here might be enough but never having had any t is far from ideal. Seeing a dr is just not going to do the job. These things tend to be really complex. There is a lot of complex stuff going on here it seems to me.
Just my thoughts.

dazed
01-17-2012, 10:24 AM
Hi
Just wanted to say I relate to what you say.You are harsh on yourself sometimes.Always happy to talk.

Glygirl
01-17-2012, 06:45 PM
Dazed thanks for your nice message. And yes, I am possibly my own worst enemy?

Caroline. Wow! Your post was in fact a bit confronting. Sent me reeling back a little. Is this what therapy feels like? Was I, to an extent, being "reprimanded" rather than challenged? And well I may need that?
One big thing - I don't go behind my H's back re FB - I haven't an account nor never will while he is so firmly against it. SFishy is a communication not known to him as was my poetry (on again/off again) site - harmless creativity but allowing the venting of "me" via poetry. Not ideal I know - none of it ideal.
I may return later and respond to your questions.

dermaline
01-17-2012, 07:28 PM
Glygirl,

I certainly never meant anything in a critical way. I realise it was extremely challenging and there was a lot in there. These are common things to experience if (note "if" as a most of this was general)any of them is true for you and many on here will relate. These were all general thoughts and questions or observations and not one was said in judgment or critisism. What you need to do is inject a tone and expression of concern when reading it.

And T's certainly dont confront things like that! :grin Sf is very direct and challenging in a way that T doesn't tend to be. It works here because it comes from others who have been in similar places.

I personally don't see any problem in you coming here on fb or anywhere else to express your personality in your present situation. There was zero dissaproval coming from me for that. I was just questioning how Ok you really are with all of this as your earlier posts told a very different story. I was challenging that bit of backtracking that seemed to happening to do with it.

Glygirl
01-17-2012, 10:04 PM
Caroline thanks for your second reply - I came back to reply to your first - and I think your directness threw me at first but I have gained something a little steelier as this thread progresses and that is a great thing! I gave myself a pat on the back for going away and realising you only meant it to provoke thought, another pat on the back for not getting "too uptight" in my spur of the moment reply (because that has been done before by me on previous threads) Anyway enough of that, but I do thank you for taking the time to reply back in case I had actually gone away miffed or put off enough to give the thread away.
Ideally we could compromise as was the original question.
Why is it ideal that you compromise on how you choose to use your leisure time or express who you are? How is it ideal that you compromise and how and which of your loved ones you keep touch with?
That is an excellent question. Brings up a further issue of "control" - "you can share in what I do and love, I'm not prepared to share in what you do OR allow you to indulge to a great extent in your own hobbies, friends, self-expression etc." Part of the issue with my H is his need to "keep me to himself" and that is more his issue than mine? but I am the lonely end result. I still feel though compromise would be ideal when it came to FB in the sense that he "give it a try" with me, then if all the things he says are a worry can't be fixed then at least he was prepared to "have a go" with me and not be so pig-headed.
sounds an odd thing to blame myself for but there it is.
meaning my traits as "agreeable, mostly non-complaining, diligent, multi-tasked person" - in that context they seem fine and admirable but in the context of this thread, I can see what you mean, they are probably more of a concern - I see your point.
I mean I can appreciate and respect his point of view.
Hmmm... but do you really? It means enough to you that you have had to resort to hiding and sneaking about. Do you really respect his point of view? It seems to me that maybe you feel angry hurt and controlled.
There is some of both there - I do respect his p.o.v re FB in that I know him, and I can understand his fear of "putting things out there" - and as I said I wouldn't go behind his back on that issue. SFishy and a creative writing site IS behind his back - guilty as charged - but I see them more as a lifeline. SFishy definitely was/still is. When I googled for a help site about bulimia originally, I was desperate and going nowhere. If it is wrong to reach out for that lifeline when I couldn't see one anywhere in real life well then it is a wrong that has created some sense of right in one person's life and hurt no-one else.

And I will continue on wth your challenges on a further thread because this one is bound to time out...

Glygirl
01-17-2012, 10:16 PM
timed out anyway...here we go again.
There was honesty yes, but "hanging out your dirty linen to air" has always been a "no-no" for h and his family and that has rubbed off. It is very much the same on my side come to that.

I think you need to address this as it seems v problematic to me that you don't feel able to discuss these issues without thinking of it as airing dirty laundry.
I have had that sense from you. That you touch on something and then backtrack.
Yes, all of my family thinking, stating, feeling that way is a problem. I've touched on the stark and frightening realities of it before when someone from my side of the family hid for twenty years an unhappy marriage. When this person finally broke and revealed all and left the marriage I thought here was my chance to begin on a few of my own deeper issues - and suggesting we be more open with problems was laughed off, told to lighten up etc. etc. After that, quite honestly, I felt there was never going to be an outlet. So I do try with SFishy but the pressure of those on one side who see all addictions, mental problems etc. as weak and disgusting and the pressure of those on the other side who insist on "bright and breezy" and don't talk about troubles weighs on me enormously. Sometimes I think I must be the odd one out and the "crazy one"

going to try a further post..hate this timing out thing....

Glygirl
01-17-2012, 10:33 PM
Caroline, you have sent me such a lot of things to thought tackle... for today I'm going to try and end with the one below, it encompasses quite a lot, then maybe come back to those remaning tomorrow.

I considered this to be a good thing not a negative? (referring to being postive)
I am not making a judgment of how this plays out for you Glygirl but here are some thoughts.
There is a huge difference between being positive in the sense of:
I can face difficult situations and emotions and cope healthily and win.
I can look at the good in my life whilst not avoiding what needs to change.
I can see the good in people but without ignoring what is not/the truth.
I can enjoy and notice when I am happy and can also be honest when I am sad or angry.

I agree with no one. Coping unhealthily is not positive. Bulimia is not positive - for this week I have been absorbed in thoughts and feelings but not absorbed whatso-ever in behaviours. So this "thought-tank" - thank you Caroline - is positive.

No two, three and four are saying to be "positive" you need to acknowledge and work on the not so good things in life, people and relationships as well as looking at the good things. That makes sense - one doesn't avoid the lump growing on your back because your heart is excellent. Yes I see that there is some negative in avoidance...as you state below...

There is a difference between positive thinking and avoidance.
Being "positive" for some can be a way of avoiding the uncomfortable truths and difficult feelings. Of even hiding their real selves form others and themselves. It can also be a way of rejecting all of the parts of us that don't fit within a certain role or ideal that we or others set for us.
That can mean we are not allowed to be sad or angry or hurt. That is not realistic as all human beings experience all feelings. Rejecting them tends to mean we express them in other unhealthy ways.
I can appreciate the truths in that statement.

Some people have a problem in life wanting to be seen as vulnerable so that they are looked after and may often be often negative. Others want to be seen as always compliant and calm and "good". Still others confuse anger with strength. None of those are healthy.
I am not sure even the "compliant, calm and good" is me entirely! I'm a wierd mix. I don't like to reveal my vulnerabilities because, as I mentioned, in my world there is nothing to be gained from it! Vulnearbility to one side of my family is a failing, to the other simply not talked about. Its a no-win situation.
Thanks for the thoughts - given me plenty to digest.

Glygirl
01-17-2012, 11:57 PM
was compelled to later complete your series of questions Caroline........
again...here goes...

ONE "with H it s usually an "explosion
Do you think you are passive in general and then loose it in an aggressive way with him?
TWO "Can you see this for how problematic it is:
idn't fancy he would demand I cook something else for him. That would NEVER happen today. And two years ago I joined a creative class that took me away from him and our work for three hours a week. He didn't like it, but got used to it.
I suspect you partly do. Maybe not quite though. "

I'm thinking these two are not meant to be related? Yes I am generally passive - quiet, patient, not easily stirred to expressing my anger (and that is different to not feeling anger of course) I am rarely aggressive when I "lose it" - my "explosions" are generally me getting angry to the point I'm not clear, calm, precise, expressive - I can cry, shout a little, get red-faced - well that probably is aggression I expect? I can appreciate that my patience does get tested and "boils over" - I think that is what you are getting at. Better to complain a bit more frequently and it may end up being more effective?

Yes I can see how problematic the first part of Question two is/and was definitely. I knew at the time the "obey" part of the vows were being stretched. With the classes etc. I can see how that is problematic too. I can see how it is not realistic that my H has to become "used to" me having some time for myself rather than accepting and embracing. He has his time and special things he likes to do and acheive.

Whew! Definitely enough for today now, but has been helpful in sorting out some of thoughts surrounding my relationship.
:yay

Glygirl
01-18-2012, 01:05 AM
reignation and dissapointment re a behaviou lapse. maybe this intensity with a few other bits thrown in?

trika
01-18-2012, 03:09 AM
Hey, Glygirl. Just want you to know that I am here with you, reading this thread every time it is updated. I REALLY relate to several things you have said, and I have just thoroughly EXHAUSTED myself in my other thread. So I don't have much left in me right now, and I know that's okay with you. But I at least want you to know that I am here with you...very, very here with you.

I can tell that this is an intense subject for you. (Maybe we could both stand to slow-down a little just for our own sakes?! I just went off on my other thread trying to sort through some things and share some hard things, and now I'm feeling a bit weird and kind of cruddy.) So I can relate to you feeling like this was all just too much, too fast perhaps.

And I think you said that you had a behavior lapse? Did I understand that right? Well, please don't be too hard on yourself. Truly, please don't. I know you've gone a week (I think you said?) without behaviors, so I'm sure you're feelilng not-so-awesome about this, but please be gentle. This doesn't discount that amazing week you had, and it doesn't stop you from continuing forward at all. You have been so brave with what you've been doing on this thread. Small wonder that you're emotionally "spent" because this has been some intense stuff. But it has been very inspirational for me to see you be so willing to open-up and face some issues, and you have encouraged me to do some necessary digging of my own. When we dig, we get a little dirty. And that's okay. It has to be that way. I really do feel close to you, and I feel even closer now with all you've said recently in these posts. I'm getting to know you better, and I see why I related to you so well from quite early on. I apologize if I "weird you out" when I say that I feel close to you. I'm just very expressive by nature, and I like to tell people what I think about them. I hope it's not too strange for you to hear!

Anyway...we truly are (I think) probably feeling some similar things right now, and I just don't want you to feel alone or like a failure or anything like that at all. We've both started some pretty dang intense threads recently, and we've kept going with them, even though they're kind of scary and yucky sometimes. But we don't have to deal with it all at once. I think sometimes I try to do that...not intentionally. I just want to get to the bottom of the issues while it is fresh and while I'm still willing to do it! :)

Just want to say that I'm still here, GG. I'm always here, and I always care about you. :love

Glygirl
01-18-2012, 04:29 AM
Thank you TRIKA. I no longer count the days between slips - that is why a lapse is so frustrating. I can have a bad couple of weeks and then go along OK for some time. I too have other issues of not really practically having the time to delve into all this at the moment - yet I know I need to. Very annoying to have spent time delving today that really should have been to meeting work deadlines - that are in fact quite deadly at the moment, true to their name.
You don't wierd me out at all with the "closeness" talk - I really appreciate how someone can "get you" on this forum. There are those we feel that connection of empathy and understanding with. I sometimes "miss" those who no longer are able to respond much where I felt that connection with.
Anyway, work beckons and I appreciate your care so much.

Glygirl
01-18-2012, 05:28 PM
Just grasping on to little things to help all this progress - I heard a quote from a horse-whisperer on the TV this morning and it really stuck with me - could even be the cue for a new thread?
He said someone once told him "don't treat them like the are, treat them like you want them to be" (and he thought they were telling him about horses but he now realises they were meaning people too):ear

That really got me thinking. I can see that in the issue of control and how the controller builds someone more submissive but how can it effectively work in reverse?:ummm:ummm

axi
01-18-2012, 06:59 PM
I don't think it really works that way when people have deep issues like that. In the midst of your ED, someone treating you like you did not have one would not have changed anything. It would only have let your ED get worse.

Glygirl
01-18-2012, 10:52 PM
axi your reply was interesting - I'm still trying to grasp it? If someone has a deep underlying issue with self esteem for eg I imagine someone constantly treating them as if they are worthy, with respect and care etc. wouldn't some of that rub off?
In the midst of my ED - as now - no-one knew - so I don't know whether someone treating me as if I didn't have one would have changed anything? I actually think that is what would have happened in my life by the way because avoidance of all emotions and problems is the norm.
So the controller can't be changed by other people refusing to accept that control? I don't really want to believe that.:ummm

trika
01-19-2012, 12:16 AM
Hey, Glygirl!

I think I shall now break my "vow of silence" that I made last night in regards to not posting anything on here for one day. I think I am feeling a bit emotionally stronger now...I think I just "zapped" my emotional energy yesterday! Phew...I'm pretty sure you know what that feels like. Heavy stuff sometimes.

But I think I understood what you meant when you were talking about what you learned from that "Horse Whisperer" show. I think you are onto something with this. I believe that we are ALWAYS adjusting to the people around us (according to how they treat us...according to how we LET them treat us...according to how we treat them...according to how they LET us treat them), etc. I think that's what makes every relationship so interesting and different. We can get something very different out of each relationship. Some are healthy, some are not, obviously.

But I DO believe that in a relationship we "train" each other (like a "horse whisperer" might) and "teach" each other HOW to treat us. I think just how we treat people makes a HUGE difference in how they act (especially around us) and who they become in time. Obviously the greater the role in that person's life (parent, spouse, family member, close friend, etc.), the greater the potential impact of our treatment. We mold each other gradually...and that can be a BEAUTIFUL thing. I have seen that in many of my own personal relationships, and I love to think about it! Yet I think if we are not careful, I think that it can turn into something ugly, too, if we consistently give our "permission" (whether intentionally or not) for the other to treat us in ways that aren't good or healthy for us. I think each day we are constantly "testing the waters" with each other in a relationship to see what is "okay" and what is not. In time I think you get to where you have a pretty dang good idea of what is "okay" and what isn't...that's when people start to "get you" and you "get them" in a relationship, right?

Okay, so I've just talked and talked about this, but I have always liked the idea that as we treat others, so they will become. Of course there are tons of other factors that go into making a person who she/he will become, but I think the way she/he is treated is IMMENSELY powerful and in forming their self-image and their ways of interacting with others. It has the potential to sound manipulative, but I think that having an effect (hopefully a positive one!) on each other is the whole reason why we have relationships in the first place. I think in a healthy relationship each person will do all they can to find-out what REALLY matters to the other as soon as possible so that they can BELIEVE in that other person and TREAT that other person in ways that promote those goals, aspirations, qualities, and such in them. I think that's what "bringing out the best in others" is all about.

So...how does this apply to YOU, Glygirl? What do you think? I really think you ARE onto something.

P.S. Thanks SO MUCH for what you said in my other thread. It really meant a LOT to me. You said some things I needed to be reminded of. I'll be going back to that thread hopefully soon. I still feel like it took a lot out of me emotionally. And while I want to "dig" here, I also want to be careful with myself and not over-do it.

Glygirl
01-19-2012, 12:48 AM
TRIKA a quick reply for tonight - "digging" is good but it can break our backs as well so yes, we do need to do so with care.
I like the term "bringing out the best in others" as opposed to trying to change someone. I married my H because he is strong, honest, forthright, hard working, family orientated, passionate, powerful - I don't want him to lose these qualities - that is who he is. But I need to help him understand the difference between strong and manipulative, honesty and bluntness, hard working and workaholic, passionate and loving and respectful, power and aggression etc. etc.
Equally he needs to look at why he married me! (other than the obvious answer) What has changed since then? Why has it changed? and so forth...
Obviously family upbringing has a lot to do with why someone has a certain personaility - as AXI says, some deeply ingrained traits may be hard to budge....
anyway, do feel I may be onto something here?
will be back I think?

trika
01-19-2012, 12:53 AM
Awesome. :) You know I'll be "tuning in" for it when you're ready.

Oh...and I LOVED the list of reasons why you married your husband, what a WONDERFUL list of qualities! And I am sure he has just as phenomenal a list for you, too. I admire that you are able to see and willing to work on the things that aren't working so great in your marriage while still being very much able to see the many things that ARE working. I think it gives you a much better perspective. I think you're being very honest, brave, and truthful to your own self in all of this. I can appreciate that, and I think that will be so helpful to you in (hopefully) resolving these concerns of yours in time so that you feel much more heard in your relationship and anything else that you need at this time.

Glygirl
01-19-2012, 06:47 PM
I need to let this thread slide now for internet access reasons.

What have I learned?

I think my major realisation is that being positive isn't all about attitude, perserverance, personality or pushing negatives aside. It also means working to arrest things that aren't right, that could and should be better.

I've also learned that sometimes there shouldn't need to be "compromise". Sometimes we should give to another gladly even though we may be non-interested or ambivilant about what it is they are wanting to do.

######Cheers all and many thanks for your support and wonderful challenges re this issue of mine#####

dermaline
01-19-2012, 07:36 PM
Glygirl,

I just wanted to :yay for working so darn hard on this. You really deserve :yay as I am sure it was tough.

I just wanted to add that I many of the things in my tough challenging post where certainly not about me thinking I knew your truth or what and how things play out for you. that I was rather just putting out a schmorgasboard of information for you to pick and choose from.

"compliant, calm and good" also wasnt aimed at you and was just a general example. We are each a unique combination of traits.

meaning my traits as "agreeable, mostly non-complaining, diligent, multi-tasked person" - in that context they seem fine and admirable but in the context of this thread, I can see what you mean, they are probably more of a concern
I actually think they are lovely qualities but in the context you brought them up and which those who care about you were concerned about, there is a concern if it stops you looking after your boundaries.

So good traits as long as displayed in appropriate situations.

Glygirl
01-19-2012, 09:57 PM
appreciate your praise - I definitely feel the benefit from this thread, although I know working at TRUE positivity in my life will take time and effort. And I feel comfortable now about not being content and constantly looking on the bright side when things could quite honestly, and without selfishness on my part, be improved.
You are very bright and articulate and astute about many issues by the way Caroline (heaping a little praise back) and I really hope that you can transfer some of that into sorting out thoughts and feelings in your own life to keep it "sane" and moving happily forward. I sometimes glance at your posts and feel they are WAY too deep and involved for me to give a helpful answer.
Au revoir for now - I really am going to be off the e-ways loop for a while - and that is OK, I have some good vibes now to proceed with.

axi
01-19-2012, 10:46 PM
I do think that you can show someone how to treat you and you can absolutely show him that you will not let him be controlling towards you. However, that means standing up every time he exerts that control over your life or dismisses something that you find important, such as your poetry. So far, from what you have said, you aren't willing or able to do that. There is also the chance that he would only escalate.