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sunshinepoppy
01-12-2012, 11:52 PM
I had another thread going on about an internet friend of mine. I said that romance has never entered the picture at all. And it hadn't until last night when I had this beautiful dream about kissing him.

At one point in the past, I nourished an imaginary love for someone entirely unavailable to me, a guy named E. I met him at work and cherished a deep affection for him that I think he returned, but for complicated reasons, nothing could be done about our feelings. I spent so many hours yearning for him and living a fantasy. I used to listen to a certain album and lose myself in the beautiful yearning. I continued that long after I moved to a different city and totally lost touch with him. I needed that at the time. My life was a barren waste and it gave me the love and beauty I needed to keep wanting to live.

The thing about fantasy relationships is that they are perfect... no fights, no disappointments and resentments, none of the messy things that come with real life. I really did need that in that particular phase of my life. But now I need real things. I know this and will not nourish any ideas about my internet friend. That is a sensible, realistic, healthy decision. When I spent my time yearning for E, I was not capable of filling my needs in real life. But now I have to figure out how to do so. But turning myself away from fantasy love feels like a loss. The fantasy world I was able to create was so beautiful.

And I have to face certain harsh realities too. I am not physically attractive to the majority of people. I loathe my body and the fact that it has desires. The idea of sexuality in this disgusting body is grotesque to me. But it is real, My outside appearance does not eradicate my innate human desire for love and physical contact. :cry :cry :cry

My therapist sees my lack of touch as a real problem, but an unfortunate one that we cannot solve at the moment. I have no partner, no children, no pets. All I have to cuddle with is my teddy bear. :cry How sad is that? But it is my reality and I need to figure out how to live with it.

Adding people to my lonely life is a step in the right direction, and I have a potential new friendship developing right now. I have taken successful steps to widen my social circle. I need to keep forging ahead in this realistic way.

I just feel sad and lonely at the moment. :cry

A lot of this was triggered by watching Don Juan de Marco last night. It is about some one with the delusion he is Don Juan. He pulls another person into his fantasy life, and they both live off it. Being a movie, it ended with the delusional man finding in real life what he desired in his fantasy life. But my life is not a movie. :cry :cry :cry

I am not sure what I am looking for here. Maybe just an understanding ear. :sad

axi
01-13-2012, 09:55 AM
Here's an ear. Fantasies are great, but putting the elements you long for into your real life is much more satisfying.

What are ways you can satisfy your need for touch? You could volunteer at an animal shelter or perhaps a hospital's nursery.

There are many people that find your body type desirable. The only thing holding you back from finding someone that does is you.

sunshinepoppy
01-13-2012, 12:04 PM
:hugon axi :hugoff

Thank you for listening.

Fantasies are great, but putting the elements you long for into your real life is much more satisfying.

I know this is true. But it seems like I have been working and working and doing all these scary things, and I haven't put together anything that equals the beauty of my imagination. I really can't let myself run away with fantasies, I really have to stay here in reality. It's just that it falls so short. I guess that's the nature of things. It doesn't stop it from hurting though.

The only thing holding you back from finding someone that does is you.

Yes, the thing holding me back is me. And I don't think that will change any time soon. Even if I met a wonderful man and he found me attractive, I am so disgusted and ashamed with myself, I wouldn't be able to DO anything. I am working on it, I am working on accepting myself, working on self-love, etc. But this is discouraging too, as I have been working on it for so long and never gain any real traction.

My fantasies are so beautiful....

:cry :cry :cry

mjseven
01-13-2012, 12:37 PM
There was a point in my life where I went through a similar thing. I understand what you mean by saying you needed it in the moment. I think I too needed that phase at that point in my life. It too allowed me to continue to live. I applaud your accepting that you need to move out of your fantasy and into reality, it is NO easy task. Good for you for saying that to yourself.

It sounds to me like you have a good start with broadening your friend circle. And I agree with Axi, going out and volunteering is a great thing to do, even if it is only a distraction.

And I one hundred percent agree with Axi on their point that there's people out there that will love, not just your body, but your personality, your characteristics etc. I know I have never seen you face-to-face, but I will tell you that I have NEVER met a good and genuine person who I thought was "ugly" *big hugs*

sunshinepoppy
01-13-2012, 01:01 PM
:hugon mjseven :hugoff

I have NEVER met a good and genuine person who I thought was "ugly"

Thank you for this. It is true for me too.

I already have a volunteer job. It fills a huge social need for me. But I think i will look into the hospital nursery. I don't really like pets that much, but holding babies sounds really nice.

axi
01-13-2012, 01:25 PM
Fantasies are a lot better. I have lived in fantasies before and it's something that I still struggle with. Fantasies are the ultimate control, especially when our lives are not the way we would like them to be.

Trusting someone and letting them in is hard; even more so when you don't love yourself or think you are capable/deserving of that love and desire. I have had to face the escape fantasies and harsh reality while I've been working on my marriage. I had a good fantasy going of leaving my h and finding someone that loved and wanted me. Of course it would go relatively perfectly since I do want that love and desire. However, as we've been working on the intimacy and sex, I have had to realize that I am scared of letting someone in and I have a plethora of body image issues. Yikes. They are hard to turn around when they have been with you for so long. It is beyond difficult to imagine someone else desiring you when you feel that you don't deserve to be desired.

One question I have for you is about that never ending cycle: are you binging because you don't like yourself or do you not like yourself because of the binging? For me it started as self-defense. I was keeping myself safe, but the eating also became self-punishment and self-defeating since I was already 'fat' and lonely, why care what I looked like.

What is the food replacing in your life and what other ways can you fill those gaps that won't hurt you?

I wanted to add that I think you are gaining traction: you are here, talking about it. That is huge progress.

mjseven
01-13-2012, 02:03 PM
I don't know if this will help you, but how I started working on not relying on my fantasies too much was realizing that the perfect guy, friend, etc. could come along, but because I have such a high standard created by my fantasy, I would reject them as "not good enough." When I stopped fantasizing so much and truly engaging in my life, more opportunities opened up, both romantically and platonically. To be honest, I probably would have missed those opportunities had I still been so in-tune with my fantasies.

You have my support and confidence in your ability to be strong and move forward! Good luck! :)

dermaline
01-13-2012, 02:49 PM
I actually think that fantasies steal all true happiness from us. There is no way to get any real self esteem or love or self respect from a fantasy. They sucks the life out of us and keep us frozen and isolated.

Good for you for looking at this.

sunshinepoppy
01-13-2012, 05:12 PM
are you binging because you don't like yourself or do you not like yourself because of the binging?

This is a good question. I remember very clearly my first binge... I was extremely angry at my mother for putting me on a diet, and defiantly ate lots of X. Then I immediately felt horrible about myself because I had done something that would make my mother withdraw her affection and be unpleasant with me. I was mad at her for denying me something that used to symbolize love, and the binge was both defiance and an attempt to give myself the affection my mother had withdrawn. The feeling bad about myself definitely came after the binge. I think that my bingeing has to do with defiance and trying to fill needs.

When my ED started gaining momentum, I used food for two things... to numb pain and to try to give myself some love. Now I am numb most of the time and can't seem to do good things for myself. Doing self care is a really big project in therapy right now. I am tracking my attempts on a diary card. My T gives me praise and encouragement when I do manage to care for myself, but all I can see are the (many) days I failed to do anything good for myself.

I think part of the equation is that both my mother and my sister reacted badly whenever I showed enthusiasm and pleasure in things. My mother would criticize me and my sister would get really mad. I persisted in enjoying things but always some deep part of me felt bad about that. Anyway, trying to crush my spirit worked in part. :cry

You have my support and confidence in your ability to be strong and move forward! Good luck! :)

Thank you so much! :love

They sucks the life out of us and keep us frozen and isolated.

I never thought of it like that. I really think that the fantasy about E kept me afloat when I was in danger of drowning. But now it is true, it would isolate and freeze me.

Thank you :hugon :fishy :hugoff