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mjseven
01-11-2012, 01:04 PM
Ok, so I'm not ************% how to describe this, but I'll give it a shot.

Mini-backstory: My bf and I have been together for a little over a year. We just moved in together last week, and things have been pretty good.

Here's the problem: I've been house sitting for the past couple days, so I haven't been in our new place for more than a day. I came home yesterday and proceeded to tell him a story. When I finished, all he said was, "so what was the point of the story?" I told him, in so many words, that everyone tells stories just to tell them. There doesn't always have to be a point. I wasn't nasty, more informational (although I do feel at age twenty two, he should know this by now) So, initially, I blew this off. But, as usual, I started to overanalyze the situation, and now I'm starting to get more upset about this.

In fairness to myself, this is not the first time he's done this. ********% of the time when I tell him a story, he'll stop me mid-way through and say "get to the point," or "so, what's the point." I knew before we dated that he hates to hear long drawn out stories, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Honestly, the only times he doesn't get inpatient is if I'm super excited or really upset. Which, I guess that's a positive.

I think he has a problem with being too blunt, and I don't honestly know if he knows he's doing it. But it sort of sucks when someone cuts you off and tells you to hurry through your story. It makes me feel really down on myself (which is how I'm feeling now). I don't know if he was just upset because I haven't been home, or if this is just his usual behavior. I know it's a stupid thing to get upset over, but I've been very vulnerable lately with all the changes in my life. He's always so honest about practically everything, and I think that part of his personality is starting to get to me at times.

So, I guess I'm just wondering, am I exaggerating the importance of this? Should I confront him the next time he does this (whens he's perhaps too honest)?

Any thoughts and opinions would be greatly appreciated!

bellydancer
01-11-2012, 01:37 PM
I don't know if I would call this bluntness so much as disrespect. It's rude to interrupt someone, and it's ruder to shoot them down in the middle of what they're saying. It's dismissive of the other person and telling them that what they have to say is not important. It says more about him than it does about you.

If this is bothering you, then it would be worth talking to him about. It might be that he grew up in a house where people talked to each other like that, and he thinks that's the norm of how you treat people.

Kensington
01-11-2012, 01:37 PM
Have you ever told him something like, "When you cut me off and ask me what the point is or tell me to get to the point, I feel _____________"? You can fill in the blank with whatever you're feeling, such as invalidated or that your day to day experiences aren't important to him. If you haven't said this to him, how do you think he would take it if you did?

mjseven
01-11-2012, 02:06 PM
Thank you both for your replies, it's much appreciated!

Bellydancer-disrespect is a better word for sure. I would say that more accurately describes how I feel. And your bringing up his house situation actually hits close to home. I've watched interactions with his family and everything is curt, to the point, no frills. I'm more of a "storyteller" type person, and I don't think it's something he's used to, so it bugs him. Like I said before, I truly don't think he knows what he's doing/how it sounds to me.

Kensington-I have somewhat said something to him, but never in the way I should. I would say I haven't really sat him down and said it hurts me when he does that. As for how he'd take it if I did, I think he'd be ok for the most part. He may defend himself, which is only human nature. But I've confronted him in the past about things and he's usually never mean about it. He listens and we talk about it.

I think my problem is that I'm afraid to say things because I'm afraid I'm exaggerating the importance of a situation and I'm going to look stupid. I'm waaaay too self-conscious about expressing myself when I feel it might hurt someone/be confrontational. But, overall, it's really not fair for me to get upset if I don't at least tell him what's going on. He truly may have no clue he's hurting me, and it's sort of silly for me to get angry and not even tell him, now that I think about it.

I appreciate both your insights. It's given me something to think about. I feel better :) If it happens again, I think I will confront him (but for real this time).

bellydancer
01-11-2012, 02:56 PM
To be fair, some people are also just impatient by nature, and that's not necessarily bad, that's just who they are. My dad and my husband are ramblers. I especially have a hard time with my dad explaining things to me that I already know, such as going into detail on the floor plan of my parent's house. Which I lived in for eighteen years. Still, I find it's more polite to say "Oh yes, I remember that the bathroom is across the hall from the bedroom." Rather than "Shut up, I know this already."

The important thing is that you feel that you're being hurt and shot down and that's why you need to talk to him about it. Perhaps you could be willing to meet him halfway, and ask him what sort of things he would find more interesting to talk about, or before you start on something take a second to sort out your thoughts before launching into it.

helloballoon
01-11-2012, 03:13 PM
hmm.. it's a tad blunt alright. but he mightn't realise he's hurting your feelings. especially if you don't react.
in rt i speak fast. incredibly fast. and get very very bored with people who talk slowly. so i get impatient if i'm waiting on a story and sometimes i might do like a hand gesture in a sort of 'come on' way. which i guess could be hurtful. but it's just my attention starts to go. especially if it's my dad. he just speaks so damn slow sometimes :P

but on the same note i'm a total rambler. and i tell stories like it's a tree with a million branches. so in the middle of a story, i manage to go off track repeatedly telling side stories and telling details (like descriptions of stuff) that my bf doesn't care to know. and sometimes he'll be like "FOCUS would you. stop going on tangents' and sometimes it can seem rude. but mostly i know it's because he really doesn't care what colour the table cloth was or other little details in my story...:sarcasm

i try not to take it to heart. because ive noticed all my girlfriends do it too. like someone will be telling a story about something that happened at a party. and yet in that same breath they'll manage to say who was there, what they were wearing, what the decorations were like, what food there was and then they get back on track to say the point of the story- which was something that happened at a party :wacky

now i'm not getting to the point... SORRY!>

i just mean that guys sometimes have a short fuse for rambly stories that have lots of girly details in it ....

mjseven
01-11-2012, 04:07 PM
I do sometimes ramble, but because I know his impatience with drawing things out, I try very hard to be "to the point." I think that's why I was so frustrated. I felt like I said my piece quickly and he still was like, "what was the point?" But as for what you said, bellydancer, about thinking before I start, I usual do, which is also why I was frustrated. I feel like I'm trying, but it doesn't matter.

Mollywolly, I also am a fast talker, to the point where I'm sure people can't keep up lol And I TOTALLY understand what you mean about the tree with a million branches. But I'm consciously trying to avoid the "girly details," as you call them (good phrasing, btw). I admit that some of my stories are rambly, but not all of them. Besides, the point of telling a story isn't necessarily to convey a point. Sometimes it's to vent, sometimes to share a feeling or experience.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even if a story I'm telling isn't knocking you for a loop, the least you could do is listen and somehow acknowledge that you heard me :/ I guess I feel like I do when he's looking around when I'm telling him something, and after I finish, he doesn't say a word. Ugh, pet peeve! Say something!! lol

axi
01-11-2012, 04:22 PM
My h and I grew up in different types of homes and it has caused some misunderstandings that should be small things, but they just grow until your head wants to explode over them. One is that when I ask for something like 'hey, can you take your plate to the kitchen', he would often reply sharply 'can you give me a minute' which would leave me wondering what the heck just happened. After many squabbles, we finally had it out and he told me that in his house, if he was asked to do something, it meant to drop everything right now and do it. To me, if I ask for something to be done, I just expect it to be done in a reasonable amount of time and an answer like 'okay, I'll take it after I finish this chapter in my book' is perfectly fine. So, with the small adjustment of me now saying 'when you get a chance, can you.....' everything is fine. A small adjustment can make a big difference.

I think that it would be good to sit down with him and explain that you like telling stories: it's a way of connecting with him, making him part of your world, etc. and let him know what response you want from him, such as just listening or offering advice and maybe tell him that you will let him know ahead of time what you expect from him, such as if it is just a story, you'll say at the beginning 'I'd love to tell you what happened today' so that he knows what you want at that moment. Writing that paragraph made me think that perhaps that is part of the issue: he doesn't know what his response should be.

mjseven
01-12-2012, 11:25 AM
Axi, I read your post and was nodding my head the whole time, and then I read your last line and was like, "YES!" That is EXACTLY what it is! He has even told me before when I try to get something out of him by saying, "you're really quite," or whatever that he doesn't know what to say, or he doesn't know what I want to hear. I think by prefacing my stories by saying I want to talk about____, it may help. But I'd like to get to the point where I don't feel anxious before I tell him something like, "is he going to interrupt me? Is he going to find me boring again?" You should feel comfortable enough with your significant other to tell him most things without anxiety :/

But what you said about telling stories is my way of connecting with him, making him part of my world, that's exactly right. Like you said about your situations, it's such a small thing, but it festers. I feel like this is one of those things that with time and trial and error, I bet it will blow over. But I've gotten such great advice from all of you (as usual), thanks! :) It helps me to understand my side more and how I feel.

axi
01-12-2012, 02:07 PM
Why don't you tell him that it makes you anxious and less likely to reach out when he interrupts you. If he understands how it makes you feel, then he should be less likely to do it. My t said that it's like you have two piles of evidence in front of you: the first is the pile that says he doesn't want to listen and the second is the pile that says he wants to listen. Right now the first pile is bigger, which is what makes you anxious about this. As time goes on and he listens more, the second pile will grow bigger than the first and the anxiousness will go away.

mjseven
01-12-2012, 02:11 PM
That's an awesome way to put it, thank you for sharing, Axi! :)