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View Full Version : An abusive realtionship- with myself


lightwithin
01-09-2012, 05:54 AM
I am a young woman, living with the daily battles of ED, obsessive compulsive bahaviour, and severe self esteem issues.

:trigger talks about sexual abuse and rape

When I was a child, I was molested for years. I have never ever told anyone about this. It was never violent, or horiffic like the stories you read about, but it was an invasion of my privacy and personal space. I never felt like it affected my life negatively, I felt that I was strong enough, and dealt with it on my own. The person who did this to me was my brother. I never hated him, or resented him for this. After years, one day it just stopped. It was never discussed or approached, and I have a great relationship with him now. I have forgiven him. I think I have a deep guilt for this, because I want to be angry, resentful, and hate him, but I don't, and that makes me feel disgusted with myself. I then restrained from being intimate, or having sex with anyone else because I never wanted anyone to see my body. Later, one night I was out with friends, and I had too much to drink. I was raped, although I don't consider it rape, because I was shouldn't have been drunk enough to allow myself to be violated like I was. I have never loved anyone, or allowed anyone close enough to see through the walls I build. I freely have sex with any guy, because it reassures me that I am desirable. They are never more than one night stands, and I am left feeling dirty, cheap, and easy, and so the circle continues.

To the world, I am the perfect picture of happiness. I have everything anyone could possibly ask for, I have a great family, I have every opportunity handed to me, and I pretend to be the confident girl that everyone envy's, but hehind closed doors, I am a shadow of this person. I allow myself to be abused by destructive relationships, because I feel I don't deserve any better. I have an unrealistic desire for perfection, and it is detroying every aspect of my life.

Are these sexual issues, relationship, and intamacy issues related to ED? Does anyone else feel this way?

I don't know what it is like to love someone, and connect with them on a soulful, and intimate level.

I am going to see a cognitive behavioural therapist about my ED, and I am hoping to discuss and conquer these issues as well.
Has anyone experienced similar feelings or actions? If so, how did you seek help?

axi
01-09-2012, 08:56 AM
I think that the ED and the feelings stem from the sexual abuse. Even if you do not hate your brother, it obviously affected you. I hope that you mention all of this to your t and perhaps print this thread out to show him or her.

I was sexually abused and I did/do have feelings of worthlessness. I have worked on them with my t and I have conquered a lot of them, but I still have a ways to go. It is difficult to overcome the things you have told yourself for so long.

bellydancer
01-09-2012, 09:55 AM
Hi lightwithin

It was not your fault that you were abused, and it was not your fault that you were raped. The person who raped you bears responsibility for that, not you.

It definitely sounds like these things are related to the ED, especially since you keep so much of yourself behind closed doors. I agree with axi that even if you have been able to forgive your brother, you still have been affected by your experience. Definitely bring this up with your T.